I'm Not A Hero!

by Mia Archer

  “We need to end this fast,” I said. “Luckily it looks like this crazy cat lady doesn’t have the same resilience as the last giant monsters we went up against.”

  “Though there is the possibility that even one of those worms getting away might be enough to reconstitute the whole hive mind,” CORVAC said.

  “Then we’re just going to have to make sure we take them all out, aren’t we? How are we doing on the drone swarm?”

  “Almost in place,” CORVAC said.

  “Make sure you don’t pick a location that has any grates or obvious manhole covers she can use to escape,” I said.

  “Affirmative, mistress. It looks like right in front of the Starlight City News Network building might be the best choice.”

  I grinned. “You sure know how to sweet talk a girl.”

  “I can assure you that absolutely was not my intention, mistress,” CORVAC said, his electronic voice dripping with vague disgust.

  I wondered if I was going to have to do some more sweet talking of my own to get the alien queen to come this way, but as soon as she spotted me hovering in front of the SCNN building the whole disgusting mass lurched forward.

  A disgusting squishing noise filled the air as individual worms were destroyed by the sheer force of the hive hitting the ground, and then it was rolling around again leaving behind a trail of dead worms everywhere it’d made contact.

  The thing staggered to an upright position. I couldn’t say it was staggering to its feet since there were no feet for it to stagger to. Just a roiling mass of worms with presumably the alien queen somewhere in the middle.

  Assuming it wasn’t a hive mind with a bunch of self-replicating worms. Which would be just as bad, but it was easier to personify a hypothetical queen for purposes of vengeance.

  Finally it reared itself up and it was almost as tall as the giant irradiated monsters I’d faced down when Dr. Lana was doing her best to destroy downtown Starlight City.

  The big difference being these things hadn’t been absorbing radiation from that strange world that gave people powers. Sure there were some of them giving off that radiation signature, but it wasn’t nearly as pronounced as with the giant irradiated lizards since presumably most of these worm fuckers had been created here on earth.

  I smiled up at the thing as it towered over me and blotted out the sun. It moved down as though it was going to try and smash me and I raised my wrist blaster. Fired off a shot.

  It’d been a hell of a long time since I’d been able to get off a good shot with my wrist blaster. The trouble with using the thing was I was constantly forced to pull my punches because a lot of the things I fought on a day to day basis, at least back before Fialux and giant robots and giant irradiated lizards became a regular thing, weren’t powerful enough to stand up against the shit I was putting out.

  This was different though. This was one big fucker and she could take it. The blast slammed into the monstrosity and a big chunk of the worms that made up its body were fried.

  Briefly the smell of a bunch of insects slamming into a bug zapper wafted across my nostrils. I turned up the dials on my nasal shielding.

  “Come on you bitch!” I said. “Come at me!”

  It reared and tried to hit me again, but this time a massive shield bloomed in front of her and more of the worms were destroyed. The shields surrounded the bitch as the drone swarm moved into place.

  “Good work CORVAC,” I said. “Now get her in a nice cylinder.”

  The shields moved in closer and closer to the big monster. It was made up of hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, of parasitic worms which meant it could be easily funneled into whatever shape I wanted. That would’ve been impossible with, say, one of the giant irradiated lizards that tended to keep the same shape unless you blew them up.

  “Very good CORVAC,” I said. “Move it in closer and closer. That’s right. We’re going to teach this bitch a lesson she’s not going to forget.”

  I stopped to think about that.

  “Y’know scratch that. She’s going to forget it because we’re going to reduce her to flame and ashes, but whatever. You know what I’m getting at.”

  “Of course, mistress,” he said.

  32

  Throwdown

  I turned to make sure the cameraman on top of the SCNN building was still catching this. A zoom in showed that Nancy Norris was standing in front of the camera at the edge of the SCNN building reporting on everything that was happening, because of course she’d do something stupid like that.

  I sighed. She might’ve taken my Surviving A Heroic Intervention class, but clearly she hadn’t taken away all the lessons she was supposed to learn in that course.

  “Just a little higher CORVAC,” I said. “A little more.”

  The drone swarm had moved the monster up so the worms were trapped in a giant cylinder with the blue shielding on all sides frying any of the worms that came into contact with the edges.

  I figured I could let the bitch die this way. It would only be a matter of time before all the worms in that giant monster hivemind made contact with the edges. It would’ve been the safe way, but I wasn’t interested in safe.

  No, I was interested in teaching this bitch a lesson. I felt like it was an affront to my abilities as a villain that these worms made it through the barrier I’d erected to aliens who wanted to take over the world, and I needed to send a message.

  I flew up to the massive cylinder and smiled. Gave a little wave.

  “If you’re in there I want you to know that this is going to hurt,” I said.

  “Wait!”

  It was that creepy “thousand voices talking at once” thing again.

  “What is it?” I said. “Because I sort of have a massive monster to destroy and you’re delaying me.”

  “What if we could tell you where to find our world dearie?”

  I paused. Really thought about that. Like we’re talking I seriously considered it for maybe five seconds or so, which was an eternity considering there was a giant monster that was trying to destroy my downtown.

  I shook my head. “I don’t believe you, and there’s no point in trying to save someone who’s already dead. This is it for you, wormy.”

  I flew to the top of the massive drone wall cylinder. There was an opening at the top, but the drone shield went up high enough that the worms couldn’t make it over that edge even though there was a constantly bubbling and roiling mass of the things trying desperately to break free.

  Oh yeah. This hive mind bitch knew the end was near. I pointed my wrist blaster down and let it overload to the point that it would’ve taken out a good chunk of downtown if I didn’t direct the energy somewhere before it went into overload.

  I fired. The blast was blinding, and it was only my compensators in my mask going off that kept me from going blind.

  Hopefully Nancy and her cameraman up on the SCNN building were far enough away that they wouldn’t be blinded by the blast. Whatever. I’d offer to toss them into a medbay and give them new eyes if it came to that.

  The blast moved down through the worms with a massive concussion. It ripped through them with all the force of a charged plasma blast that was honestly a bit of overkill for what was happening here, but I figured there was no kill like overkill when I was trying to send a message.

  Then things really got bad. Sure I vaporized the alien monster that was threatening to take over the city, but the blast hit the ground beneath the monster and it turns out the shield wall didn’t apply to the street beneath the monstrosity.

  When the blast slammed into the pavement it sent great chunks outside that shield wall flying into the air where they slammed into buildings all around. I winced. That was going to leave a mark.

  Particularly it looked like it was going to leave a mark on the Starlight City News Network building. One of the chunks went flying straight for the top.

  I was starting to think there was some higher power out there, and it enjoyed
fucking with me by putting me in increasingly dramatic situations for its pleasure or something. Because of course the chunk of street I’d just sent flying through the air would go flying right for Nancy Norris and her cameraman.

  The cameraman knew what was up. He pulled back and looked like he was about to run for the door, but Nancy was oblivious until she turned around.

  I flew off at top speed, but I knew even as I flew towards the building that I wasn’t going to make it. It figures the giant chunk of rock was going to go for the one person in the whole city who was out and in a position where she could get hurt and…

  Huh. That was weird. She pulled back her hand. The cameraman had reached the door and was trying to get in, but it wasn’t going to do him much good if a chunk that big slammed into the roof. It’d take out everyone up there.

  Only…

  There was that arm pulled back. She stepped forward. She was far enough away that I couldn’t see exactly what she was doing, I’d long ago learned the dangers of flying while zoomed in, but one moment the giant chunk of street was in one piece, and the next moment it’d shattered into a bunch of smaller chunks.

  They still did a number on the SCNN building, don’t get me wrong. One thing the movies and comic books always get wrong is the idea that turning one large something moving at a high velocity into a bunch of small somethings moving at a high velocity somehow made it less dangerous.

  It just meant that all the small somethings were now dangerous and pouring the same amount of kinetic energy into their target over a more dispersed area, but the thing shattering around Nancy was enough to spare her, at least.

  I landed next to her a few seconds too late. She stared at me with such a look of complete and total innocence that I knew something I didn’t quite understand had just gone down here.

  I didn’t like it when things I didn’t understand went down. In my experience that’s usually what happened right before I started having a hell of a headache trying to fight off a new hero.

  Or a new villain. It was difficult to tell in the opening stages of some careers.

  “Um. So do you want to tell me how you did that?” I asked.

  “Did what?” she replied. “One moment that thing was coming at me and the next it shattered. Lucky, that.”

  She stared at me with a defiant look. It was a look I was familiar with because it was the same look I’d given people back when I was starting my own villainous career and daring people to call me out on the obviously super powered things they’d seen me do.

  And I was so exhausted with everything that’d happened recently that I just didn’t give a fuck.

  “Whatever,” I said. “You go ahead and keep your secrets. I’m too tired from fighting giant robots, super healing bitches, giant monsters, watching my girlfriend killed in front of me, and fighting off alien worm possessed cats trying to take over the world to worry too much about what you do in your private time. Glad you survived.”

  Her eyes went wide. Huh. I guess when I laid out everything that’d happened to me lately it really did feel like a whole hell of a lot of shit to put up with.

  Odd, that. How something doesn’t seem all that intense until you lay it all out.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t realize…”

  I waved a hand. “Nothing to worry about. Just how my life’s been going lately. Not anything you can do about it.”

  She took a step forward. Moved her hand out and touched mine. It was strange feeling human contact again when I’d been on my own with nothing but CORVAC to keep me company for the past month or so.

  He was an okay conversationalist when he wasn’t being a sarcastic bastard, but that didn’t change the fact that he couldn’t do some of the things Fialux could do to me.

  “Very interesting indeed mistress,” CORVAC said. “Would you like me to make reservations at that fancy restaurant you like with the dance floor up on top of the skyscraper?”

  “Dr. Lana destroyed that place with a giant robot, remember?” I said.

  “Excuse me?” Nancy said.

  “Nothing,” I replied. “Just talking to my AI assistant.”

  “Oh,” she said, her hand not leaving mine. “Well I just want you to know that the rest of the city might not understand you, but I appreciate everything you’ve been doing for us lately.”

  I nodded. I was in a daze. Sure it felt good having her touching me, but at the same time I couldn’t shake the sure feeling that I was somehow cheating on Fialux by letting her touch me.

  It was all a bit much for me, and I didn’t trust myself to do much more than nod. That seemed nice and safe. I couldn’t get all choked up and lose it if I wasn’t talking, after all.

  “Thanks,” I finally managed to choke out.

  “And if you ever need anything,” she said, looking down at the building below. “Well you know where to find me. Even if you probably have pretty good reasons for hating this building.”

  “You have no idea,” I said. “Maybe sometime we’ll have a drink and I’ll tell you what really happened to Rex Roth.”

  I stopped. I couldn’t believe I’d just said that. Had I seriously just invited her to have a drink? Stupid! I couldn’t do that when…

  When I had a dead girlfriend? This was all too damn confusing and I needed to get out of here. I pulled away from her. Shook my head to try and clear it, though it didn’t help.

  “I’m sorry, but I really need to get going,” I said.

  “Of course,” she said. “But you know where I am, and I can’t wait to see what you do next. The world is going to be a much better place when you’re the one running it.”

  Okay, that was too much for me. She was talking about me taking over the world like it was a good thing? That wasn’t even something I could get Fialux to do. She was always griping at me for giving into my more villainous urges and now here this hottie was…

  Damn it, damn it, damn it! I shot for the skies because I didn’t trust myself to stick around. I’m not ashamed to admit that I panicked. Just a little. It was time to get the hell out of there.

  “That went well,” CORVAC said.

  “Shut up CORVAC,” I growled.

  “The girl was obviously interested in you,” he continued. “And I believe you blew it, as the young people are saying these days.”

  “I don’t think the young people have been using that particular phrase in a good long time CORVAC,” I growled. “And you really need to shut up.”

  “But if you are going to admit that Fialux is gone then you should also admit that it might be time for you to finally…”

  He cut off as I hit a button on my wrist computer. I couldn’t feel the explosion, it was happening in a data center on the other side of the country, but I could hear CORVAC glitching as his consciousness was affected by the outage.

  “I just blew the computers in a data center that provides Internet for a good chunk of the west coast to get at you,” I said. “And that was one you thought I didn’t know about. Keep that in mind if you want to keep getting smart with me today.”

  There was a long pause where I wondered if maybe I’d accidentally done more damage than I thought. Finally he came back and seemed no worse for the wear.

  “Affirmative, mistress,” he said. “I will shut up now.”

  “Good,” I growled.

  33

  Cleanup

  I flew down low over the city. I had to pore over every inch that bitch had walked over on her way to try and kick my ass.

  I wanted to be absolutely certain that not a single one of those wormy motherfuckers got away. I didn’t know enough about their lifecycle. The last thing I wanted was for one of them to get away and find its way into a cat and create another alien queen.

  Plus I figured I needed to see if that bitch was still around. I didn’t think there was a chance she could’ve survived that hit, but I’d had nastier surprises.

  Drones filled the air with a low buzz as they swooped over me
and tried to catch a glimpse of what I was doing. There were even a couple from SCNN watching me which was always an annoyance.

  Though for some reason I was feeling a little more warm and fuzzy towards SCNN now than I had before.

  “I am not detecting any life signs among the alien worms left behind,” CORVAC said. “We are still going to have to check all the cats in the city to make sure they are no longer hosts, but I think it is safe to assume you took care of it.”

  Charred worm corpses were all around us. That ever present stink of bugs hitting a bug zapper also surrounded me. People were starting to flow out of the skyscrapers and from the way they were waving their hands in front of their faces, putting their shirts over their noses, or just plain passing out the moment they caught a whiff of that stench, the smell was way fucking worse for the poor bastards who didn’t have a shield over their noses recycling the air.

  “I really wish those people would stay in their fucking buildings,” I said.

  “They are curious about what is happening in their city,” CORVAC said.

  “Yeah, well I could do without their curiosity if you don’t mind,” I said.

  I looked up at the pile of twisted metal and dust that had been the building the monster broke out of.

  A giant pile of the alien worms was right between the SCNN building and the pile of twisted metal and dust. I figured if I was going to find anything worth killing again it was going to be in that pile, though from the way everything was nice and charred I was starting to think that maybe these things were weak to charged plasma attacks.

  You could almost say it’d been super effective.

  I turned and looked at the SCNN building. And frowned and shook my head as I saw a familiar raven-haired figure stepping out of the bottom level with a new cameraman trailing behind her.

  I guess the other one had decided it was far better to live a long and happy life than it was to help the pretty reporter get her story.

  Yeah, Nancy Norris was walking towards us, and that wasn’t the kind of distraction I needed. Still, I pulled up the SCNN feed and put it up in the top right corner of my HUD so I could keep an eye on what they were saying as I went through the big pile of nothing that remained after defeating the latest monster of the week.