by Lexi Blake
“I’ve got a statistics class I’m nervous about. Especially since I’m not the only one taking it,” she admitted with a wince.
“Alexei’s taking it, too?” Holly’s other husband had been taking classes at Adams State University in Alamosa as well, though he hadn’t decided on his area of studies yet.
Holly shook her head. “Micky. I’m taking a class with my son. I feel like such a weirdo.”
Holly’s son was proof positive that she was awesome. Micky Lang had every bit of his mother’s kindness and a wonder for the world around him that always made Nell smile. “You’re not. You’re brave and strong and you’ll teach every kid in that class that they’re never too old to follow a dream.”
She felt old. Stupid. Maybe that was a better word, though she’d been so tired lately that old felt like it worked, too. She hated feeling dumb, but even more she hated the looks of pity she would get. Like the one on Holly’s face now. It was sad when she thought about it because she would tell anyone else to not look on it as pity, to see it for what it truly was—empathy, sympathy, caring.
But she was still a seven-year-old girl watching her mom being carted off to a mental facility, hiding in the corner of her room so they wouldn’t take her away. She was still the girl who listened to the social workers talk about how sad it was her mom was insane.
She was thinking more and more about her mom lately. For obvious reasons.
“Are you okay?” Holly asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
“I’m as well as can be expected.” Nell gave her friend what she hoped was an encouraging smile. She glanced out the window, but still no Henry. “I’m here for a checkup.”
No Henry, but there was a gorgeous blonde jogging up the street. Laura wasn’t wearing her usual heels. She was in a pair of yoga pants and a T-shirt, sneakers she could easily slip in and out of on her feet. She’d slung a yoga mat over her shoulder. But it was obvious she was more interested in cardio than stretching.
Nell turned back to Holly. “You called her?”
“I texted when I checked the appointments at the clinic for today,” Holly admitted.
“Isn’t that against HIPAA or something?” She couldn’t hide from a doctor’s appointment, but she’d thought she could get in and out quickly. After all, it was a weekday and she’d known Holly had to finish her registration and Laura would be at her yoga class in the park. The same yoga class Nell should have been in if it hadn’t been for Henry turning her into the town fool.
She could do that all on her own. She was well aware that some of her protests could be seen as less than normal. Mostly the ones that dealt with mime, but it was hard to yell all the time. It was good to change things up.
“I’m the office manager,” Holly replied. “Part time, but I do have access to the schedule.”
The clinic door opened and Laura walked in, tossing her mat over beside Holly’s books. “Thank god we finally ran you down. I’ve called a thousand times and knocked on your door. Nell, you can’t ignore me.”
Nell thought she’d done a pretty good job of it. “I’m fine. I needed some alone time. I haven’t felt well.”
“Really?” Laura stared down at her. She proved that motherhood had nothing to do with the physical act of delivering a baby because she had the mom look down. “You’re going with that? You have nothing to say about the whole Henry-used-to-be-a-CIA-operative thing?”
“I don’t know that it’s anybody’s business.” She wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not even with her friends.
Laura sighed, a deeply relieved sound, and sat down opposite Nell. “You knew. I was so worried that this blindsided you, but if you’re this calm, then you knew.”
“It’s okay.” Holly smiled as though she was relieved, too. “I would normally say you should have told us, but I understand why you wouldn’t. It’s important to keep that particular secret. No one’s upset. Everyone will understand you couldn’t break your husband’s confidence.”
“Mel’s already bugging him about opening up the ‘vault,’ as he calls it,” Laura admitted. “Apparently Mel believes the CIA has a vault filled with knowledge about alien encounters. He also made Henry take a shot of his special beet-infused whiskey. It’s horrible. Seriously, if I was an alien, it would keep me away, too.”
Henry hadn’t mentioned that, though every time he tried to talk about anything other than what they needed to do around the house, she shut him down. She couldn’t listen right now. She was in some kind of purgatory where she couldn’t quite tell him to get out and she couldn’t do the things they needed to heal the wound.
She wasn’t sure the wound could heal.
“I’ve always known you two had some kind of big secret between you,” Laura admitted with a smile. “You’re going to think this is crazy, but I decided you and Henry write romantic novels under the name Libby Finn.”
Holly rolled her eyes. “Nell wouldn’t write romance. I told her. She made me read those books and not one of them talked about recycling. Although some of the characters are oddly close to a few people we know.”
“Her latest book was about a woman named Heidi, a doctor named Calvin, and a former Ukrainian mobster named Andrei,” Laura said. “She’s here in this town. I swear. Or she’s someone’s sister and hears all the gossip. I would say it’s Callie, but Callie can’t keep a secret.”
Oh, but Nell could. Still, she hadn’t even known the biggest secret of her life. “I didn’t know. Not until last week. So I take it the word is out to everyone now?”
She’d been hiding from this all week, but it was time to face it. After all, it wasn’t like she’d done anything wrong beyond being unable to see what was right in front of her face.
Both of her friends simply sat there for a moment, staring at her like they didn’t know who she was.
“You didn’t know.” Laura seemed to have to say the words in order to believe them.
“I’m not anywhere near as smart as you two seem to think I am,” she said with a humorless chuckle. “I had no idea until I watched my husband kill a man.”
“Henry killed someone?” Holly’s question came out loud, seeming to ping around the room. She flushed and lowered her voice. “I thought that was a joke. I mean, he was CIA, of course, but he worked in an office, right?”
Nell shook her head. “Nope. He was a license-to-kill kind of guy. And he was in the Army.”
Holly’s eyes managed to widen even further. “He was a soldier? We’re talking about the US Army, not some group that calls themselves an army, right? Like Wildlife Warriors? I could see that.”
“He was Special Forces. He was so good at it, they recruited him into the CIA.” He was everything she’d believed was wrong with the world. Not the idea of a soldier. The world needed soldiers and protectors, but that wasn’t necessarily what the CIA did. On the surface, yes, but history had proven the CIA mostly watched out for the CIA.
Holly turned Laura’s way. “You’re supposed to be a hotshot profiler. How did you not see this? I am Suzy Sunshine and tend to think everyone is awesome until they prove themselves to be awful. You’re supposed to be smarter than me. Smarter than us. You’re obviously the brains of our friendship, and you have failed.”
“Hey,” Laura began and then deflated. “I didn’t see it at all. He’s good. I should have gotten something off him. I used to find actual serial killers.”
According to Henry himself, he practically was one, though all of his kills had been sanctioned by the US government. Or Nate Wright.
Maybe she should protest Nate. It had been a while, and he seemed to have forgotten that there were procedures to be followed.
Henry could have died. It could have been Henry on the floor of the Feed Store Church, his lifeless eyes staring up at her.
“Hey, you just went pale,” Laura said.
“I’ll get Caleb.” Holly stood up.
Nell reached for her hand to stop her. “I’m fine. Rachel’s in there righ
t now. At least I think she is. She had the appointment before me. Caleb likes to get all the pregnant stuff done at one time.”
Holly sank back down. “I’m so sorry. This has to be hard on you.”
Laura had sobered as well. “Are you all right? Please don’t give us a bullshit answer. We’re your friends. You’ve been hiding. You need to talk about this.”
But if she talked about it, then it would be real. She would have to make a decision, and she wasn’t ready for that yet.
“She’ll talk about it when she’s ready,” a deep voice said.
Holly started and Laura turned around to face the newcomer. Henry stood just inside the door of the clinic.
“I didn’t hear you,” Holly said. “The door makes a noise when it opens.”
Henry simply shrugged. “It doesn’t have to if you know how to open it.”
He wasn’t hiding it anymore. There was a difference to her husband that had come in the last few days, some odd meshing of his two personalities. He was still Henry, but sometimes she was almost sure she could see John Bishop beneath that grim expression he wore. He was here now, staring at her friends like she needed protection from them.
They were likely the ones who needed protection.
“Caleb is running late,” she said, trying to tamp down the emotion that flared the moment he walked into any room she happened to be in. Anger always rushed to the surface, but there was something even more dangerous beneath the rage. Curiosity.
She kind of wanted to know this Henry.
He nodded and started to move toward her.
Her friends stood and stared him down.
“Nell, do you want Henry here?” Laura asked.
“I can go in with you if you don’t want to go alone,” Holly offered.
Something dark sparked in Henry’s eyes.
She wished she didn’t have such a visceral reaction to that look. A pretty sexual reaction.
She knew how to tame this particular beast. She held out her hand. “Of course I want him with me. This is his baby, too. Come here, Henry. You can wait with me.”
The dark look fled and he practically tripped over his own feet trying to get to her. He ignored Laura and Holly, his eyes never leaving hers.
He wore his usual uniform of khakis and a T-shirt, Birkenstocks on his stupid big sexy feet. He didn’t look like a man who’d held up the patriarchy and the oligarchy and all the archies with his spy work.
What had he called himself? A spy master? Or did he mean spy Master? Because that could be a book title.
It was the first time she’d even thought about writing in a week.
“Did the drive go all right? I’m sorry I couldn’t take you myself.” He reached for her hand as he sat down beside her, taking Holly’s place.
“It was fine. I can still drive.” She almost wanted the predator back. At least the predator didn’t look at her like she was fragile and might fall apart at any moment.
Even if that was exactly how she felt.
“Did the talk with Nate go all right?” Nell asked. “Did you find anyone else you need to kill?”
“Nell,” Laura started, sounding completely surprised, but then she rarely heard Nell be so sarcastic.
“No, dear.” Henry ignored Laura entirely. “I haven’t found anyone else I need to kill. Yet. There’s a situation brewing out in California that I might have to deal with. I don’t know how to though. I have to think about it.”
She wasn’t sure what that meant, but there wasn’t time to deal with it because the door to the exam room opened and Rachel stepped out, followed by both of her husbands.
“You’re up, Nell.” Rachel had her baby bag slung over her shoulder. “Doc is going to warm up the lube this time. Or else he’s going to answer to me.”
Naomi Turner walked out of the exam room, shaking her head. “I told him you would care.”
“Holly, I’m going to need you to shove an ice cube up the slit of your husband’s dick so he knows what it feels like,” Rachel ordered.
“Will do,” Holly promised, though Nell knew she’d learned long ago to simply agree that Caleb deserved every punishment possible for his fairly wretched bedside manner.
“Why the hell does he need lube?” Henry stood up, his hands fists on his hips and an outraged look in his eyes.
Max nodded Henry’s way, holding Paige in his arms. The toddler girl seemed fascinated with her father’s ear. “Good for you, brother. I told you not to read those books. You might be the first person to ever take my advice. And the Internet is the worst. Ignorance is the only way to go.”
“He’s doing a check on my cervix,” Nell explained. “It’s nothing to worry about. It’s not half as bad as a pap smear, but I hope his hands aren’t cold.”
Henry actually blushed as he obviously figured out what she was talking about. “Oh.”
Nell stood because Caleb walked out. “Big bad spy can’t handle his wife’s cervical exam? If you can’t, feel free to stay here in the lobby.”
Wife. She caught on the word. She’d married Henry Flanders. It was right there on the marriage license. He’d signed his name. Henry Flanders.
Henry Flanders didn’t exist.
She felt tears spring to her eyes, and she turned and walked out. She couldn’t do this right now. She couldn’t hold his hand and pretend like they were a happy couple waiting on their baby.
What would her baby’s name be? Would she go back to Finn since it was a legal name?
She pushed through the door to the clinic and was blasted with late-summer air. It filled her lungs and she could barely breathe.
She needed to go home. She could take a nap and when she woke up there would be dinner to make, and she had a virtual meeting with a group of young activists who needed a mentor. She would make her way through the day and deal with whatever happened tomorrow then.
She had to get home and away from all the eyes on her.
“Nell.” Henry jogged up behind her. “Sweetheart, are you all right?”
She was so sick of that question. “Am I all right?”
They’d all stepped out of the clinic, Caleb joining his wife. They were all staring her way.
“Yeah.” Henry sounded breathless. “You just walked out. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to talk about…”
“My cervix? You can say it, Henry. God knows your dick has bumped against it enough,” she shot back.
Henry’s eyes went super wide, and he stared at her like he’d never seen her before.
She’d practically screamed at him.
“Come on back inside,” Henry said, his tone so reasonable it made her want to punch his stupid perfect face. “I think Caleb’s ready for us.”
“Us? There’s no us here. You’re not the one who’s pregnant. Oh, I know I’ve said in the past that we would share this, but we can’t. You’re not the one who threw up for weeks, and I’m betting your nipples don’t ache the way mine do. You’re not the one who will soon have Caleb’s overly large fingers shoved up your hoohaa.” She pointed Caleb’s way. “Yeah, I’m talking about you, Doc. I know I said you’re good at a pelvic exam, but I was lying to spare your feelings.”
This wasn’t her. She was nice. She was considerate. And what had it gotten her? A man who lied. A baby she would likely have to raise on her own because she was living her mother’s life.
Caleb frowned. “I don’t really have feelings.”
“Good. Then you won’t care when I tell you you’re not a gentle doctor,” she yelled his way.
It felt good to yell.
“You tell him, Nell!” Max held his fist up in solidarity. “I’ve had his whole fist up my asshole. He’s a sadist.”
Paige grinned. “Ashooo.”
“Max!” Rachel was yelling now too.
Caleb frowned, his brows furrowing. “It was not my whole fist. Why would I do that?”
“She was sneezing, baby,” Max said even as his toddler tried out the new word she’d learned.<
br />
“You are scaring the tourists, my love,” Henry said under his breath. “Maybe we should go inside and discuss Caleb’s poor cervical techniques. Perhaps I can give him some pointers.”
She wanted to take the hand he offered. She wanted to be the Nell she’d always chosen to be. Good. Kind. Thoughtful. A woman who put her anger into advocacy, who tried to use the rage every human being felt as fuel to make the world better.
“Are we married?” She wished the world wasn’t so watery.
Henry’s face fell. “Baby, of course we are. Come here.”
He was holding his arms open, offering her the place that had always been safest for her. She could be angry or scared or sad and being in Henry’s arms made the world recede. His touch could calm her, remind her she wasn’t alone, wasn’t misunderstood.
She took a step back because that place had been a lie, too. “Are we legally married?”
He paled.
Well, at least she wouldn’t have to divorce him.
“Yes, we are,” he said, his tone firming.
“How? You have to use your legal name in order to sign a contract.” If someone had asked weeks ago she would have said a marriage didn’t need to be legal anywhere but inside the couples’ hearts. But now she wanted to know how tied to him she was. How far he’d gone to perpetuate his lies.
That dark look was back. This version of Henry was a lot like the Dom. He didn’t like to be challenged. It was one of the things she loved about her Henry. He could be a wonderful partner in their normal lives. They could argue and debate and he never once took it as an affront. But in the bedroom…oh, in the bedroom he was a brilliant caveman, taking what he wanted.
“I assure you my paperwork is perfect, love. You won’t find any loopholes to wiggle out of. The marriage is on the books. You are Nell Flanders and you will continue to be Nell Flanders.” He practically growled the words and then he seemed to deflate. “Baby, I promise you I wasn’t trying to trick you. I wanted to marry you more than anything in the world.”
How could she believe him?
“Nell, do you want to reschedule?” Caleb shouted the question across the parking lot.
She glanced around and realized she had far more of an audience than she’d imagined.