From Suffering to Peace

by Mark Coleman

  Once you are finished with this meditation, try to extend this awareness throughout your day. As you observe your thoughts and learn to release being so caught up in them, notice how much more present you are to your immediate experience and the corresponding increase in well-being that flows from that.

  • • •

  Chapter 10

  The Ceaseless Conjuring of What Isn’t

  Perception and reality are two different things.

  — ANONYMOUS

  Contemplative traditions often point out that the world we live in is like a conjurer’s trick. Not that the world is an illusion, but that it is like an illusion. That is an important distinction. The world we live in is real. But what we see, think, and believe does not necessarily reflect what is so. We see life through a range of conditioning, bias, and projections. And what we make of experience is affected and often distorted by influences from our past as well as from the views of family, friends, culture, society, and religion. Therefore, we need to not only be aware of thoughts, but we need to mindfully discern what is true from what is simply a distortion.

  My friend Jane once adopted a beautiful golden Labrador puppy from a local animal shelter. The puppy had previously been owned by a man who had gotten quite sick and did not have the ability to take care of her. Sadly, the man not only neglected the dog but took out his anger on the poor defenseless animal, who became traumatized and terrified of men.

  Now in a good home and well loved, the dog is relaxed with my friend, and with her female friends and even female strangers. But when the dog sees a man, she cowers and runs for safety. The violence and neglect of the previous male owner conditioned Jane’s dog to fear all men, no matter how kind and mild. The dog sees the world through the lens of her harsh history with one man, which is deeply rooted and difficult to mitigate.

  As much as we like to think we are independent and autonomous, we are no different from that puppy. We are formed like clay at an early age by the social and cultural milieu we are born into. We are also shaped by our biological hard wiring. For example, as a species, we have been conditioned over millions of years to be wary of snakes, spiders, and centipedes, since many such creatures are poisonous or even deadly. If we see a snake or spider, our anxiety level instantly goes up as the amygdala in our brain triggers our fight-or-flight response. Then, if we recognize that the creature is harmless or no threat, or we see that the coiled thing lying in the bushes is just a piece of rope, we may breathe a sigh of relief.

  The challenge is that our perceptions are often wrong, mistaken, or misplaced. In the Indian Pali language, the term vipalasa captures this tendency perfectly. It refers to the perceptual distortion we have when we behold something and mistake as permanent things that actually change or perceive things that are actually painful as pleasurable. “Behold” means more, for example, than visual perception; it includes our expectations, assumptions, and perspective. We get caught up in such distortions all the time without realizing it.

  Like my friend’s puppy, we are often biased with preconceived notions that neither reflect actual reality nor predict what will happen. For example, most children love puppies, and they often harangue their parents to get one. Kids imagine only the cuteness and companionship of the dog. Parents, however, see much more: years of arduous dog training, a constant source of mess (from shedding hairs to peeing on the carpet), and an ongoing, daily responsibility that includes feeding, dog walking, and expensive vet bills. The dog is the same, but everyone’s perceptions are quite different. Which ones are true?

  Or consider romance. When we are attracted to someone, what do we see? The mind focuses on what is pleasurable and alluring, while overlooking or ignoring what is disagreeable or potentially problematic. When perceptual bias kicks in with full force, we obsess over and idealize our new love, so that we literally don’t see anything wrong with them. Yet as we know too well, when the honeymoon stage is over and infatuation ends, the blinkers to our perception fall away. We start to see the blemishes and faults that we were oblivious to before. Such is the dawning of clear awareness. Sometimes we wake up in a relationship and wonder where our fairy prince or princess went! As one cartoonist put it: “Marriage is a Cinderella fairy tale…just in reverse. You start out at a ball in a beautiful gown and end up spending all day cleaning up after people.”

  Conversely, aversion, fear, and negativity can distort perception just as strongly. When gripped by reactivity, or any strong emotion, we just don’t see straight. When scared, we see only threats, like my friend’s puppy. When angry, we fixate on what is wrong, negative, or problematic with ourselves, with others, or the world. When in love, we experience the world as softer, more beautiful, and kind.

  When we remain unaware of these distortions, we tend to believe our perceptions are reality. For instance, I had a fear of the dark growing up, and I remember the first time I camped in the Rocky Mountains. At night, I was convinced that every sound was a sinister predator, and I was afraid to leave my tent. One time I dared to step outside, and I laughed upon seeing that the ominous sounds I mistook for a mountain lion were made by a squirrel rustling in the bushes!

  As funny as this can be, this perceptual distortion can lead to far more serious consequences, such as racism and prejudice. Infants are not born prejudiced. Babies are color blind. While our evolutionary biology conditions us to be more fearful of what we consider the “other,” racial bias is primarily the product of socialization, which distinguishes people based on skin color or ethnic origin, and then posits one group as inherently superior to all others. Such perceptions of superiority have no basis in fact, but bias often runs deep and overrides reason or judgment.

  With mindfulness, we bring awareness to these veils of perception. We can become aware of our own bias, of the lens we look through. This can help us recognize when our conditioning is influencing our perception and is affecting what we believe — say, that certain people are smarter because of their socioeconomic class or that darkness represents danger and should be feared.

  Perhaps the biggest perceptual distortion is about our sense of self and identity. We perceive our sense of self as stable, consistent, and enduring over time. But if we take a closer look at our inner experience, we behold our sense of self as forever moving, fluctuating, expanding, contracting, and shape-shifting, and this affects our perception of life around us. For instance, consider how our fluctuating sense of self-worth makes us view things and the world differently. When we feel good about ourselves, we view our work with appreciation and satisfaction. When we feel depressed or insecure, we can judge and critique our work more harshly. It is the same work, but our perceptions cause us to see it differently.

  I encounter this when I teach. How I feel on a certain day determines to some degree how I perceive my lecture. If I feel any flicker of self-doubt, I tend to fixate on what could have been said better or what was flawed. I have learned to not wholly trust my evaluation of a particular talk, given the inevitable distortions of perceptual bias. Rather, with awareness, I try to see both the event and my perceptions of the event and to hold it all lightly. This is freeing, giving me room to avoid either inflation or deflation and the perhaps distorted view of my personal vantage point. In the same way, I also hold lightly the views and perceptions of others about the very same talk. I may receive two comments following the lecture, one saying it was fabulous, the best talk they’ve heard me give, and another saying or implying it was confusing and not helpful. They both heard the same talk, but which perception do we believe? Is either of them real?

  Finally, perhaps the most common perceptual distortion is thinking that what is impermanent is permanent. How often do we believe conditions, feelings, or events won’t change, only to be surprised and thrown when, naturally, a shift happens? Believing our feelings of romance will last forever, only to be disappointed when they fade? Thinking our flu virus will go on forever when of course it heals in due course? With practice, we can deve
lop a meta-attention to our experience that helps us get closer to the reality of what is happening rather than seeing through the lens of bias and misperception.

  • PRACTICE •

  Seeing through Perceptual Distortion

  It is hard to see our own perceptual distortions. The world seems to be a certain way until we realize that our lens, our perception, is coloring the world. This contemplation explores how your vantage point influences your perspective and thoughts. Begin by standing in front of a mirror. Pay attention to the thoughts about yourself that arise. Do you like or dislike what you see? That preference or bias will determine what you choose to focus on.

  Do you notice and fixate on whatever seems problematic? Or do you observe those things you like and appreciate? Do these observations and perceptions, whether negative or positive, seem to reflect the bias of the moment? For example, are you tired and feeling grumpy, and is this mood influencing your attention and judgments? If so, consider how your gaze might change if you were feeling joyful or energized. If you have had a particularly successful day, how might that affect what you behold in front of you? Then ask yourself the question: Which thought, idea, or view about myself is real? Indeed, I suggest doing this contemplation on consecutive days and observing how your perceptions, thoughts, views, and judgments differ or change.

  Further, continue this reflection throughout your day. While watching the news, sitting on a bus, or participating in a meeting, notice how you view the people around you. Is the lens through which you perceive influenced positively or negatively by something? Is that perception a reflection of your mood, your current state of mind, your energy, how your day has gone thus far, or any other factor from the past or present?

  In this way, try to become more aware of the conditioning, perceptions, filters, and biases that are influencing how you are perceiving in any moment. Learning to hold our own views and biases lightly allows us to meet experience more clearly, as we come to see through the distortions that are forever moving through our perceptual landscape.

  • • •

  Chapter 11

  The Restless Comparing Mind

  You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.

  — ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

  For the last twenty years I have taught meditation retreats with teaching teams comprised of several teachers. I have taught with senior Dharma teachers, world-renowned experts, novices, and peers. It’s always a delight to share the teaching platform with friends and colleagues who inspire me and from whom I myself can learn. However, as lovely as that can be, I can sometimes get caught up in comparisons with them, which can be quite painful. The comparing mind, no matter what the occasion, never seems far away, and it’s always eager to jump in.

  When I first started teaching, this habit was much worse. For instance, if I felt awe for a colleague’s eloquence, my comparing mind might use that to put myself down, and I could feel like my teaching may not be up to scratch. Conversely, if another teacher gave an unclear lecture, my ego could use that as grounds for inflation, thinking it could do a much better job! Each time I encountered a new teaching team, my comparing mind, left unchecked, started contrasting and comparing myself to others. What I didn’t fully understand then was that this never-ending anxious drama is all in our heads and really bears little relation to reality. It also leads to a lot of unnecessary anguish.

  When I dig deeper, I can see vulnerability underneath the restless comparing mind. Sometimes we fear being seen as less than others and of possibly losing appreciation, respect, and worst of all, love. This fear is rarely conscious, and it rarely is based on what’s actually true. Most often these fears relate to old anxieties, especially experiences from childhood that then reverberate throughout our life. Whatever the specific reasons, be they fears of abandonment and rejection or the desire for attention, praise, and love, they are strong drivers for the comparing mind.

  Such insecurity lies at the heart of the ego structure. The ego is always on shaky ground, forever nervous about its status. The ego-identity is a self-constructed paradigm, something we create and build up over a lifetime, and its tenuous status has no more reality than what we ascribe to it. Therefore, the ego stays busy trying to prop up its precarious sense of self in relation to others.

  There are three ways we are pulled into ceaseless comparison. We either feel superior, inferior, or equal. Yet the restless uncertainty of the ego means we rarely settle in one place for long. We may prefer the feeling of inflation that comes from feeling superior, but this status is vulnerable because at any moment someone else may display more skill, intelligence, or talent, which can elicit a sense of inferiority. Any status is tentative and subject to change, and so our egoic personality is always hard at work, comparing, contrasting, and protecting its identity.

  Today, social media further feeds the relentless comparing mind. This creates a tremendous amount of anxiety, particularly for teens, and it’s easy to feel that one’s social status rises and falls on a whim, depending on how many likes, shares, and re-tweets one gets. The pervasiveness of this medium makes it all the more important to bring awareness to this challenging habit.

  Of course, how comparison unfolds depends on how we think of ourselves. If we consider ourselves an expert or the most popular, then the comparing mind will feel threatened by others who have more expertise or get a lot of attention. If we are the office’s IT guru, we might feel challenged and undermined if a young new hire, fresh from computer programming school, knows more and outperforms us. This could trigger negative feelings toward the new person and force us to reassess our status. The new hire might threaten our chances of promotion, or the threat might be only to our social standing, but we tend to react as if our survival is at stake.

  The same is true in any situation where we have or want the status of being “the best,” whether that’s being the most supple person in the yoga class, the richest businessperson in the boardroom, the most generous donor, the most humble spiritual devotee, or the most successful politician. The ego generally wants to be top dog, but this effort is fraught with insecurity and uncertainty. It is hard for the ego to suffer the loss of identity that comes from not maintaining one’s status. We can see this when renowned political figures desperately try to hold on to fame or power or both, and go to extreme lengths, including a coup d’état, to preserve their status.

  Conversely, the ego may have a negative self-identity, one that is perhaps more vulnerable and painful. We can believe we are the worst, the least lovable, unworthy, and incapable. If we carry around a deficient sense of self, the comparing mind tends to put us down while elevating others. As with any identity, we tend to hold on to our status with tenacity. In this situation, the comparing mind might reject positive feedback or appreciation, since that challenges our negative identity. To be “less than” can sometimes feel safe and comfortable, a way to avoid taking responsibility, even though it’s an inherently painful position to be in.

  I have worked with some of the smartest, most gifted, and compassionate people who carry around a belief that they are stupid, underqualified, or selfish. I have known others where the opposite was true, and their actions did not match their high self-regard. Only self-awareness and an honesty with ourselves can keep us from being imprisoned by false realities.

  Even thinking we are equal to others can be a form of conceit, since it still involves an ego-derived comparison to and judgment of others. Being “equal” is the same kind of evaluation; it is a moving target that keeps the ego perpetually ill at ease. Fortunately, with awareness, comparative thoughts can be seen for what they are, just thoughts that bear little relation to the truth. We see clearly they are just unconstructive mental habits that leave us in a state of contraction, anxiety, and insecurity. That clarity then helps us to disengage from constantly measuring ourselves against others and to release the tyranny of the comparing mind.

  With a sensitive
awareness, we can sense the inherent insecurity that underlies these comparisons. Then, rather than judge ourselves or reject these thoughts out of aversion, we can attune to the vulnerability at the root of the ego-identity structure. As we learn not to buy into such mental games, and feel the deep pain they cause, we come to hold ourselves with compassion. Eventually, our insight into the comparing mind’s misperceptions and our compassion for the suffering that ensues for everyone helps us uproot the whole comparison game.

  • PRACTICE •

  Noticing the Comparing Mind

  Everyone can fall prey to the comparing mind. Because that measuring and evaluating can be so painful, it is essential to meet this experience with compassion and forgiveness. That’s not to let ourselves off the hook but to simply recognize how powerful this conditioning is. It’s important to bring kind attention and a sense of care as you become more aware of this painful process — in the same way we might console a child if they felt hurt by social media—driven comparisons. Mindfulness can help us not only hold comparisons less tightly but also not take the habit so personally.

  As you go through your day, pay attention to this habit of comparing. Notice when and how it arises. When you check Facebook or Instagram, do you compare someone else’s idyllic pictures of their “blissful” family with your own family? At work, when someone gets accolades, a promotion, or a bonus, do you compare this with whatever you’ve gotten, and perhaps put yourself down as a result? When you notice comparisons, notice if you feel the pain of this process.

  In this practice, simply notice the comparing mind. Whenever you see it happening, just name it: “comparing mind.” Often, just the awareness of this tendency is enough to remind us to step back and reconsider our belief or assessment. Recognizing comparisons, and remembering that they are self-created and often don’t reflect reality, can make it easier to let such thoughts go.