by Woody Allen
PHYLLIS
She was deceiving you, Howard.
CAROL
Will you shut up! You hover around making spiteful remarks— things are bad enough.
HOWARD
(simply)
She was always so jealous of you, Phyllis—
PHYLLIS
She's certainly paid me back.
HOWARD
Sam was my friend—
CAROL
Why do you tell her I'm jealous of her? How was I ever jealous?
HOWARD
It was more than jealously. You were obsessed with her.
CAROL
You're dreaming, Howard.
HOWARD
I'm a writer, Carol—I know how to recognize obsession—
CAROL
You're a failed writer, Howard—judging from the characters you create you shouldn't even be a writer—you should be in the cardboard business.
HOWARD
And I say you were obsessed with everything about Phyllis.
CAROL
I was not, goddamn it!
PHYLLIS
Children, let's not quarrel.
HOWARD
Jesus, Carol, you thought she was an artist. You thought of going back to school to study psychiatry.
PHYLLIS
So the truth comes out—hero worship.
CAROL
Stop drinking, Howard, you're worse than me.
HOWARD
I can drink—you're the one who makes a spectacle—she used to dress like you—remember? And you wanted to cut your hair—
PHYLLIS
This is becoming positively morbid.
CAROL
I was always fascinated by psychology. I minored in it at college.
HOWARD
You minored in history.
PHYLLIS
I thought it was art.
CAROL
I was an art history major.
HOWARD
She likes to say she hasn't found herself.
PHYLLIS
Has she tried looking in the reptile house?
CAROL
(explaining rationally)
There was a period of time that I was very impressed by you.
HOWARD
And she talked of becoming a shrink.
PHYLLIS
Fortunately they have licensing laws—
HOWARD
She was going to combine it with her yoga—an Eastern religion psychotherapy. An Eastern religious, holistic, zen, waking dream therapy.
PHYLLIS
How were you going to cure your patients, by dipping them in the Ganges?
CAROL
Go ahead—make fun of me.
HOWARD
And for a while she dressed like you—she ordered all those simple skirts and tops—I remember on more than one occasion you rejected an outfit because you said Phyllis Riggs would never wear anything like that.
CAROL
He makes this up. Howard, your father's dying, don't take it out on me.
HOWARD
Carol's always had an identity problem. She doesn't know who she is. Or rather, she knows who she is and she's desperately trying to find someone else to be—and who can blame her?
CAROL
All right, calm down. I think you're overdue for your treatments. Howard's mood swings are getting worse. He doesn't like it known.
HOWARD
Don't change the subject.
CAROL
That's what I've had to put up with all these years, manic highs and lows. He recently tried joining the Hemlock Society, but they rejected him.
PHYLLIS
Rejected by the Hemlock Society? I'd kill myself.
CAROL
Don't say that—you've never seen him in a gray funk eyeing the plastic bags in the cupboard.
HOWARD
I'm not going to wind up in one of those homes, I'll tell you that.
CAROL
And then just as quickly he'll become happy—too happy.
HOWARD
Quiet, Carol.
CAROL
God, if you think I shop—when Howard swings into his uphill phase—he'll just check into the Plaza and run up all kinds of bills—champagne and caviar and things he'll never wear—and big plans and grandiose schemes—and the only thing that straightens him out is electricity. This man needs his voltage like we need our collagen. And he begs me to hide it.
HOWARD
At least I have an identity. I'm Howard who's manic-depressive. Carol wants to be you, but you're already taken—
PHYLLIS
So she steals my husband.
HOWARD
It's not just you—she identifies with lots of people.
CAROL
I didn't steal your husband—he came after me.
HOWARD
Her real identity crisis was with her art professor at school.
CAROL
Let's drop the subject now. I think we should go home.
HOWARD
Home? We have no more home.
PHYLLIS
What about her college professor?
CAROL
Howard, I'm warning you—
HOWARD
As long as we're coming clean, you may as well know that when we met, Carol had this art professor—quite a brilliant woman—not with your honors but very impressive …
CAROL
Howard, I will not stay here while you tell this story.
HOWARD
And Carol grew to idolize this professor and identify with her.
CAROL
Quiet! Quiet!
HOWARD
(shaking Carol)
Will you shut up!
CAROL
Don't you dare attack me!
PHYLLIS
Howard, you have a temper. Who would have thought it of a man who named his goldfish Dorothy?
HOWARD
She identified with Professor Kanin as much as she identified with you—duplicating her wardrobe—braiding her hair, taking on her mannerisms—reflecting all her tastes—and because Professor Kanin had a tiny child, Carol decided she wanted to be a mother.
CAROL
I don't care if you tell this story because I can hold my head high.
HOWARD
And so she begged me to make her pregnant—which I did—
CAROL
With some effort, darling—don't leave out the part about the sudden impotence. Talk about trying to stuff an oyster into a parking meter.
HOWARD
Not that I wanted a child—nor did Carol down deep.
CAROL
You never knew what I felt down deep about anything.
HOWARD
But how else to become Professor Kanin—the idol of the day.
CAROL
You couldn't make me pregnant—is that the story you want to tell? Because that's the long and short of it.
HOWARD
She visited a fertility expert—and every few days I'd be asked to masturbate into a test tube—
PHYLLIS
My God, what an aim you must have had.
HOWARD
So she could run with it in a taxicab and while the sperm were still fresh and squiggling—
CAROL
Yours didn't squiggle, Howard, they wandered aimlessly—
HOWARD
To make a long story short—science worked its magic and she got knocked up. Her dream was going to come true. In nine months she would be just like Professor Kanin—with her Laura Ashley skirts and the Aztec jewelry—art major, mother, the works—she wouldn't have to go on being that unenviable character Carol.
PHYLLIS
I can see this coming—she got cold feet—went to a drunken illegal abortionist who operated on her face by mistake, and that's why she looks the way she looks.
HOWARD
Cold feet is exactly what she got, but in her eighth month. Suddenly she didn't want to be a mother.
CAROL
(softly)
No—I didn't.
HOWARD
Reality set in and she said to herself, Hey, it's one thing to have fantasies of identification—but I'm not Professor Kanin and I don't want a child.
CAROL
Why are you doing this?
HOWARD
To make a long story short she gave birth to an eight-pound little boy who was quite cute considering he resembled the movie actor Broderick Crawford—but you know they all look like old men. I mean, they're bald—and I bonded in the first few days—but darned if she didn't give him away. She insisted on placing him out for adoption—
PHYLLIS
And you stood back and let her do it—you were probably very reasonable and well mannered.
HOWARD
I remember it so clearly—the day we gave him up I thought— hey, if I take one of those bags that keep sandwiches fresh and place it over my head wouldn't that be a nice feeling.
PHYLLIS
Well, you make a lovely couple and if there was a special Academy Award for defective humans you'd have my vote. And now—I'm going to the toilet and I want both of you out of here when I return.
(Phyllis exits SL.)
HOWARD
So I guess it's over between us. After all these years.
CAROL
I guess it never should have begun.
HOWARD
Why do you say that, Carol? It certainly began OK—the first few days went well enough.
CAROL
No—it was my fault. You'd have done better if you had married that what's her name—Ida—Ida—
HOWARD
Rondilino—
CAROL
Rondilino. I shouldn't have taken you away from her—but I wanted to be with a creative soul—a writer—
HOWARD
You didn't take me away from Ida. I saw you and I went after you.
CAROL
That's what you think —but the night we all double-dated, and I decided I wanted to marry you, you were dead meat.
HOWARD
Poor Ida.
CAROL
Ida was insipid. But better suited to you than I am. We disappointed each other too much.
HOWARD
Did you ever cheat on me prior to your affair with Sam?
CAROL
No—yeah, once. My dentist.
HOWARD
Oh, Carol—
CAROL
Do you know he charged me for an extra filling?
HOWARD
Who else?
CAROL
No one … Jay Roland.
HOWARD
My collaborator?
CAROL
Oh, Howard, he was such a bad writer—but sexy with that ponytail.
HOWARD
You slept with my writing partner?
CAROL
Once. You were in the hospital getting shock treatment and we were both so concerned about you and we didn't know how to express it.
HOWARD
Who else?
CAROL
No one—that's it—that's it. Those were the years—fifteen arid years—without ever getting up the nerve to leave—betting wrong that all your mental instability was a sure sign of literary genius when in fact it was just plain dementia.
HOWARD
Where will you live?
CAROL
Sam has talked about London.
HOWARD
I don't want you to leave me, Carol.
CAROL
How can I not, Howard? I've become involved with someone who means something to me—something real—there's feeling—there's passion.
HOWARD
I'm a person who can't be alone, Carol.
CAROL
You'll get by—Howard, try and understand, I'm nearly fifty— how many more chances will I get? Let me go with this guiltlessly.
HOWARD
But I'm scared—
CAROL
I can see this has triggered one of your downswings—this and committing your father to a home. Why don't we call Doctor Carr—maybe it's a good time to go in and get your head zapped.
(She notices that Howard has removed a pistol from his pocket.)
Howard—what are you doing!?
HOWARD
I think life is a black hole.
CAROL
Oh my God! Howard—don't!
HOWARD
It's unbearable! I don't want to live.
CAROL
Where did you get that gun?
HOWARD
This was amongst my father's possessions—he was in the Great War—I mean, the first Great War—the war to end all wars—only of course it didn't, people being what they are—
CAROL
Put that down!
HOWARD
It's all so squalid and meaningless!
CAROL
Help! Phyllis! Phyllis!
HOWARD
Shut up, my head's throbbing!
CAROL
Suicide is not the answer!
HOWARD
It all comes to nothing—a void, a home for the aged.
CAROL
Black moods pass! It's just the moment—Phyllis! Goddamn it! Suicide is not the answer.
HOWARD
I'm frightened!
CAROL
Oh God, I don't want to watch!
HOWARD
You won't have to watch. I'm going to kill you first—then myself.
CAROL
Me? Howard, you're joking!
HOWARD
First you, then me!
CAROL
Help! Help! Phyllis!
HOWARD
If you don't close that yap!
(He pulls back the hammer.)
CAROL
Howard, don't! Don't!
HOWARD
Give me one good reason why we should both live?
CAROL
Because we're human beings, Howard—fallible and often stupid but not evil—not really—just pathetic—mistaken— desperate—
HOWARD
We're alone in the cosmos!
CAROL
Howard—this is not the cosmos—this is Central Park West!
HOWARD
No! It's no use! I want to die!
(Howard points the gun at his own head and pulls the trigger, but it jams. He points the gun at Carol and pulls the trigger repeatedly, but it continues to jam.)
Goddamnit! It's old—it's too old—it's broken! It's a German Luger—it should be like a Mercedes!
(Carol pulls the gun away from Howard.)
CAROL
Give me that! You lunatic! What's the matter with you!? I'm shaking like a leaf! I'm trembling, I feel faint! I need a Valium—
(Phyllis enters. She is oblivious to what has been going on.)
PHYLLIS
What's all the noise—I thought I said out.
CAROL
(shaken)
Howard wanted to kill us—both—first me and then himself— his father's pistol—a souvenir—but—but—but—it jammed— he pulled the trigger—but—it jammed— (Phyllis picks up the pistol and fools with it.)
PHYLLIS
There's nothing wrong with this gun, Howard. You forgot to unlock the safety latch.
CAROL
I'm going to be sick! (Carol exits. Phyllis sits with Howard on the couch.)
PHYLLIS
The truth is, Howard, that even though you are suffering from one of your clinical depressions, you are correct to be depressed. Even a clock that is broken is right twice a day. Depressing things have happened to you. First you put your dear, sweet father in a second-rate home for the aged—
HOWARD
It's not second-rate.
PHYLLIS
Face it, Howard, the best of them are none too good, but the one you chose, sensibly within your budget, is—and you'll understand this—a schlock house. Following the experience of parting with a
parent, which, by the way, brings you psychologically one step closer to realization of the end of your own life—your wife is abandoning you for your good friend—a successful male with a higher testosterone level— whom of course she has been diddling for two years behind your back. So it's almost healthy for you to be depressed. If you were not depressed, you'd be an idiot. Am I being helpful?
HOWARD
I miss my son …
PHYLLIS
I give this whole thing six months.
HOWARD
Sam and Carol? They may move to London.
PHYLLIS
Six months whether it's London or Tierra del Fuego. They're both too dysfunctional.
HOWARD
I knew he fooled around.
PHYLLIS
Did you?
HOWARD
Who didn't?
PHYLLIS
Just me, I suppose.
HOWARD
I think just you, Phyllis—I even think I heard a dirty innuendo from a busboy at “21.”
PHYLLIS
The busboy knew?
HOWARD
Naturally he didn't know I knew Sam or you, and Sam was entering and I was having lunch and I saw the busboy nudge the waiter and nod toward Sam and point to a sexy brunette and he said, What nerve—he's banging her and yet he comes in with his wife all the time. I was surprised he knew the term “banging” because he was just over from Poland.
PHYLLIS
That's a great story, Howard. The waiter and the Polish busboy knew but not me.
(The front door opens and Sam enters.)
SAM
(coldly firm)
I came to get the rest of my papers—
(seeing his work strewn on floor)
Oh Jesus, what did you do?
PHYLLIS
I need a couple of answers from you, big shot.
SAM
You had your go at me. I tried the reasonable route. I'm not getting my skull fractured by an hysteric—
HOWARD
You've been carrying on with my wife for two years.
SAM
You I'll talk to, Howard, and I'll start with an apology.
PHYLLIS
That just makes it all OK, doesn't it?
SAM
I said I didn't want to hear from you. I'm here to get my papers—look what you've done …
HOWARD
I can't easily accept your apology, Sam, because we're supposed to be close.
SAM
(angry at Phyllis as he picks up all his papers from floor)
I have some complicated cases going—
PHYLLIS
So you were screwing all my friends.
SAM
These last couple of years have not been easy for me, Phyllis— my work has not gone well. Why did you tear up everything?
PHYLLIS
I said, so you were screwing all my friends—
SAM
I wasn't screwing all your friends—
PHYLLIS
Liar! I know—I know everything!