by Woody Allen
SAM
If you know everything you don't need me to tell you anything. Get your foot off those papers—get it off—
(forces it off)
Get it off!
PHYLLIS
Ouch—you bastard!
SAM
I gave you a chance to talk things out—I poured my guts out to you today—and where'd it get me?
PHYLLIS
I trusted you. How am I supposed to know that underneath you're seething with discontent? If only you had been honest instead of letting your gripes fester and taking up with my friends.
HOWARD
(rising pugnaciously)
I'm angry at you, Sam—you made me a cuckold—
SAM
(pushes him down)
Sit down, Howard. We can talk later. I said I apologize.
PHYLLIS
I know you slept with Edith and Helene—what about Polly?
SAM
You're cuckoo. I'm so glad to be out of this.
PHYLLIS
You're not out yet, sugar.
SAM
As soon as I get this mess together, I'm history.
HOWARD
She knows about the brunette at “21”—with the bangs and the full lips.
SAM
Howard, I'm sorry about me and Carol—I honestly didn't think you'd ever find out.
PHYLLIS
(turning on Sam)
What about my sister?
SAM
What?
PHYLLIS
What about Susan?
SAM
What about Susan?
PHYLLIS
Did you sleep with her too?
SAM
You're hallucinating.
PHYLLIS
HAL lucinating. That's the word you used to deny Carol when I found the Filofax.
SAM
Because it was absurd.
PHYLLIS
How absurd can it be? If you were sleeping with Carol, why not Susan? Now it all comes back to me. I used to notice you stare at her—and she always went to watch you play softball in East Hampton.
HOWARD
What kind of woman are you, Phyllis, that all these seemingly close people willingly betray you?
PHYLLIS
(stopped by this, regains poise)
You need shock treatment, Howard. Why don't you wet your finger and put it in the socket.
SAM
I'm gathering my papers and I'm out of here. Out—out—for good—forever.
PHYLLIS
(goes to phone)
I'm calling Susan—
SAM
Put that down!
(He takes it from her, hangs up.)
PHYLLIS
Look at the nostrils flare. He's scared.
SAM
Scared of what? I'm finished in your life.
PHYLLIS
(taking phone again)
Hey, lover, a girl can phone her sister, can't she?
SAM
You insist on making a fool of yourself.
PHYLLIS
(dials)
My first husband appreciated women too, but he didn't act out—may he rest in peace—or Secaucus or wherever the hell he's living—
(on phone)
Hello, Donald, put Susan on—
SAM
I can't believe she can still rattle me—
(He pours himself a drink.)
HOWARD
She's a ballbuster—but you did some evil things, Sam.
SAM
I did zero.
PHYLLIS
(on phone)
Susan—did you have an affair with Sam? I'm asking you if you had an affair with Sam? … When you stayed here … Well, I don't buy it, Susan! …I say you did—I say that was your way of getting even with me …
HOWARD
Even for what? Did you sleep with Susan's husband?
PHYLLIS
(to Howard)
Of course I didn't sleep with Susan's husband.
(on phone)
What?—No, I didn't sleep with Donald! Would I sleep with a Hasidic jeweler? But you did with Sam! Because you're a gypsy—a lost soul—and it was my generosity that kept you afloat and you resented me and this is how you repay me!
(She hangs up angrily.)
SAM
Bravo—now you've made yourself an ass in her eyes because, baby doll—
PHYLLIS
Don't call me baby doll—
SAM
Because, Godzilla, I never laid a finger on Susan.
HOWARD
Who was that brunette at “21.”
SAM
Howard, why don't you get some rest?
(Enter Carol, surprised to see Sam.)
CAROL
Sam.
SAM
Hello, Carol.
CAROL
Phyllis and Howard know everything. It's been quite a night.
HOWARD
It's like a boil was lanced and all the pus is coming out.
CAROL
Can we go, Sam? I need an hour to pack at home.
SAM
Go where?
CAROL
To our apartment, to Amagansett, if you want, straight to London—I just don't care anymore.
SAM
I don't understand—where are we going?
CAROL
Out of here—look, we all clearly need new lives—not just Sam and me—but Howard and Phyllis—let's try and look at tonight as a beginning—we don't have to give in to our bleakest thoughts. I know—it sounds easy for me to say because Sam and I have each other—but we can be civilized and help one another get through this.
SAM
Just a minute—we're not going away—
CAROL
Well, you mentioned London—I mean, away is just out of here.
SAM
Carol, I think you misunderstood.
CAROL
What?
SAM
I met someone and I'm in love.
CAROL
What do you mean?
SAM
I met a woman and I'm in love.
CAROL
I don't understand—you're in love with me.
SAM
No—we had a fling but—we never were in love.
CAROL
I am.
SAM
Oh, but—I never—you thought I was leaving Phyllis for you?
CAROL
Sam—
PHYLLIS
Sometimes there's God so quickly.
SAM
Carol—I was crystal clear on that point—at least I thought I was.
CAROL
(staggering)
Legs—legs—going to faint—the room is spinning—
HOWARD
Get some smelling salts.
(laughing)
Ha, ha, ha …
PHYLLIS
(to Carol)
Honey, what were you thinking?
CAROL
Sam—Sam—all those afternoons—we talked—
SAM
But that was the whole point—we were both just having a fling.
CAROL
That's how it started—
SAM
And it never changed.
CAROL
Of course it did.
SAM
Of course it didn't.
HOWARD
(amused by it all)
This is truly comical.
CAROL
But all the talk about the future—and London—
SAM
But that was just speculating—there was no actual plan—
CAROL
There was—
SAM
There couldn't have been—we never had that kind of a relationship.
CAROL
Of course we did—
SAM
We were never in love—at least I wasn't.
CAROL
&nbs
p; You told me you were—
SAM
Of course not—you're dreaming—
CAROL
“I've got to end my marriage—I'm suffocating—I'm drowning—the time with you is the only thing that keeps me alive—”
SAM
In the context of illicit sex—I told you the ground rules from day one.
CAROL
Yes—but—it—it—seemed to change—to deepen—you asked me if I could be happy in London?
SAM
Carol, you're reading into it—
CAROL
(total realization)
You bastard—you used me.
PHYLLIS
(annoyed)
How was I suffocating you? Why were you drowning? Huh? You clown.
HOWARD
(getting jollier)
He's a clown—this is a circus and he's a clown—and we're all freaks.
CAROL
You lied to me—you lied to me—
PHYLLIS
You got what you deserved, you crypto-hooker.
CAROL
“I want to be with you, Carol—with you I'm happy—with you I know my only real moments—rescue me from that selfcentered storm trooper who's crushed my hopes—”
PHYLLIS
A Nazi? Did you tell her I was a Nazi?
SAM
(innocently)
I never said you were an actual party member.
CAROL
I don't believe this! You can't make love like that without feeling love.
PHYLLIS
A stiff prick knows no conscience.
CAROL
(shattered)
This was real—this was true …
SAM
(turning on Carol)
Don't hold me responsible for your wishful thinking! I was aboveboard down the line.
CAROL
No—
PHYLLIS
A woman with a tenuous grasp of reality …
CAROL
You're the one with no grasp of reality. Deluded into thinking you had your marriage under control while he's off with everybody.
SAM
That's enough, Carol.
CAROL
In your own bed with Nancy Rice.
PHYLLIS
Nancy Rice is on the ethics committee!
SAM
(to Carol)
What good does it do to provoke?
PHYLLIS
Nancy Rice is chairwoman of the ethics committee at the hospital—her specialty is moral choice.
SAM
Yes, I had a quick moment with Nancy Rice when you were in Denver, but she instigated it. And you and I had no more sex life to speak of.
PHYLLIS
Now I know why we didn't—a man cannot ejaculate every day in double figures.
SAM
That's not the reason!
PHYLLIS
No? What's the reason?
SAM
What's the reason? What are we yelling for?
PHYLLIS
What's the reason our lovemaking disappeared like vapor?
SAM
You want to know the reason?
PHYLLIS
Yes—yes—the reason. Tell me the goddamn reason.
SAM
The spontaneity went out of it.
PHYLLIS
You think you're talking to a retard? I'm not her.
(Meaning Carol.)
HOWARD
One thing Carol is not, is retarded. She has a learning disability, but that's different.
CAROL
Will you shut up, Howard.
HOWARD
Hey—back off—I was explaining why you might seem retarded but aren't.
CAROL
He turned off you because you don't care enough to please a man sexually. Am I lying, Sam? Did you not use the term “nude catatonic”?
SAM
Mind your business.
HOWARD
I think the problem is Phyllis can be castrating.
SAM
Will you get back in the woodwork.
HOWARD
You told me as much, Sam. When you get drunk over lunch you babble—where did the time go? What happened to all my promises? Should I feel like Mr. Phyllis Riggs?
PHYLLIS
What madness is this? I'm penalized by everyone because I'm a success? My sister, my friends, my husband—
HOWARD
People never hate you for your weaknesses—they hate you for your strengths.
CAROL
Sam, you led me on—you said you loved me.
SAM
Never—never—
CAROL
Yes—
SAM
I was careful never to use that word.
PHYLLIS
Never fuck a lawyer, they get you on the terminology.
HOWARD
Can we put on some music?
CAROL
Chrrrist! That's always the start of an uphill swing.
HOWARD
I can beat Sam in racquetball.
SAM
Sure you can, Howard.
HOWARD
(putting on music)
It drives him crazy—he's muscular but not coordinated!
SAM
Uh-huh.
CAROL
Sam, I had everything planned—you were going to leave Phyllis.
HOWARD
He did, Carol, aren't you paying attention?
CAROL
Shut up, you manic psychotic!
HOWARD
Everyone's so down—
(He turns up the music.)
CAROL
Turn that off!
HOWARD
What?
CAROL
Turn it off! Off! Stop!
(Sam turns off the music.)
howard What's gotten into everybody—you'd think there was a funeral.
SAM
Howard, calm down.
HOWARD
Everyone's so cranky—probably 'cause you're hungry—why don't I whip up something?
CAROL
Idiot!
HOWARD
What?
CAROL
Idiot! Fool!
HOWARD
Baba ghanoush! It's perfect!
(Howard exits SR into kitchen.)
CAROL
I cared for you, Sam—I loved you—do love you—
SAM
I didn't mean to lead you on—I tried to be careful—I'm not out to hurt anybody.
(The doorbell rings—Carol, nearest to the door, opens it, admitting a very young, beautiful, sexy woman named Juliet Powell.)
JULIET
(to Sam)
I was waiting downstairs and I got worried—I know you almost had your head bashed in before and I—when you didn't come down—
PHYLLIS
No—no—no.
CAROL
Is this her?
JULIET
I debated coming up but you said five minutes—
SAM
This is her—she—Juliet Powell—Carol—Phyllis—well, Dr. Riggs needs no introduction—
PHYLLIS
No introduction. Just drive me to Bellevue and check me in.
CAROL
You know each other?
SAM
Look—let's lay this all on the line and try to wrap it up with no bullshit. Juliet is—was—a patient of Phyllis's, OK?
PHYLLIS
When did you—?
SAM
(to Carol)
Once a long time ago I happened to notice her in the waiting room—I have my own private access, but every once in a blue moon I glimpse one of Phyllis's wounded either coming or going, in tears or just sitting reading Town and Country. And I remember thinking, My God—what a lovely creature— so young and fresh—what problems can she possibly have at her age? And then, as fate would have it, several weeks ago I left the apartment at the same time Julie
t emerged from the elevator to enter for her session—and I spoke to her—just hello—but knowing she'd be coming down in fifty minutes— I bought a paper and sat on the park bench across the street and sure enough—fifty-two minutes later on the dot she emerged and I said hello again—what a surprise—and now I'm going to marry her.
PHYLLIS
(to Juliet)
And I'm going to stop being a shrink and join the Hemlock Society.
JULIET
(ingenuously)
That's why I quit treatment. I didn't think it was realistic to continue my analysis with you while I was …
PHYLLIS
Fucking my husband? Thank you, Miss Teenage America.
CAROL
Sam, she could be your daughter.
SAM
But she's not. She's the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Morton Powell who I don't know from a hole in the wall. Unless you read The Wall Street Journal.
CAROL
But what can you possibly have in common?
SAM
You'd be surprised. This is a charming, educated, twenty-fiveyear-old—
JULIET
Twenty-one—
SAM
Well, soon to be twenty-five—four years goes like that—
CAROL
What is it that you do, Miss Powell?
JULIET
Do?
CAROL
Your—line of work …
JULIET
Film editor. I mean, I will be when I graduate.
CAROL
Will you be going to the prom?
JULIET
I should have graduated already, but I took a year's hiatus.
PHYLLIS
Miss Powell has had some severe emotional problems.
JULIET
Yes, well—
PHYLLIS
She came to me a year ago—introverted, confused, anorexic— petrified of men. My goal was to liberate her so she could emerge as a woman and function.
JULIET
Yes and you did it.
PHYLLIS
Yes, I noticed.
JULIET
It's terrible because I hate to lose you as an analyst. On the other hand, you always tried to guide me to act in my own best interests.
PHYLLIS
And you think my fifty-year-old husband is in your best interests?
JULIET
Well, at first I did have some uncomfortable dreams—the spider dream again—only this time,you were the black widow, my mother was the scorpion, and—Carol was the tarantula.
CAROL
You didn't even know me.
JULIET
Sam told me about you and the way he described you—
CAROL
A tarantula—
JULIET
My unconscious formed the spider image from hairy and grasping.
CAROL
Hairy and grasping?
JULIET
But in answer to your question—yes—I had reservations—but Sam described a long-dead marriage and I didn't seem to be coming between anybody—I mean he was already sleeping with Carol and Mrs. Bucksbaum.
PHYLLIS
Who?
JULIET
Mrs. Bucksbaum? The lady on two?
PHYLLIS