Three One-Act Plays

by Woody Allen

Oh, Sam—she's crippled!

  SAM

  What does that mean? For chrissake, Phyllis—I understand it was not noble of me to cheat but not because the woman has a short leg.

  PHYLLIS

  How did you do it with her? Did you stand her on a box?

  CAROL

  (to Sam)

  Why am I hairy and grasping? How have I grasped? I gave myself—I gave and I gave—I ran when you called—I broke appointments—I told lies—I juggled my schedule to accommodate and demanded nothing—how could you give her the impression I was a tarantula?

  SAM

  I'm responsible for what she dreams about you?

  CAROL

  Do you realize the kind of man you're going to marry?

  JULIET

  Well, actually marriage is more Sam's idea—I'm content to just see how things go.

  SAM

  No—I want the commitment—I need it—I can't go on like this—I want something stable for once—I have to bring some sanity to my life. Juliet, you're everything I ever dreamed of.

  CAROL

  A twenty-year-old anorexic?!

  SAM

  Twenty-one—and she's a film editor.

  PHYLLIS

  Six months ago she couldn't look a man in the eye without getting shingles.

  SAM

  Look, I know what you're all thinking, but this is the real thing. Despite what you two might say—I'm finished as a Don Juan. Promiscuity is no answer. Do you think a person is fulfilled by empty, cheap, stupid adultery?

  CAROL

  Thanks, Sam, it was meaningful to me too.

  SAM

  (to Juliet)

  All I'm trying to say is I found you and I want this to be forever.

  PHYLLIS

  What about when she's my age? You'll be gumming your food on Medicare.

  CAROL

  I know I'm not young and beautiful, but this is too much to take—it's more than I can handle.

  HOWARD

  (popping in)

  I decided to make ravioli—it's the only thing you have—

  CAROL

  My life is a shambles—

  HOWARD

  Too bad there's no pesto—but I can do a cream sauce and I'll do small tossed salads with anchovies and balsamic vinegar— who's this?

  JULIET

  (shaking hands with him)

  I'm Juliet Powell.

  HOWARD

  I'm Howard.

  JULIET

  See, six months ago I couldn't have just introduced myself.

  SAM

  Tell me that you're not wavering on our marriage. I need the reassurance.

  JULIET

  I just want us to be sure, that's all. Why isn't it enough if we keep seeing each other and see where it takes us?

  SAM

  You're reneging. I thought we'd settled it. Last night you felt certain.

  HOWARD

  (to Juliet)

  What do you want to get married for? You're a kid.

  SAM

  Howard—

  HOWARD

  No, I'm serious—she's a kid and you're ancient—ancient, I don't mean ancient but much too old for her.

  SAM

  That's our business.

  HOWARD

  And you come to her with such baggage—all those scars and bitterness—fixed in your ways.

  SAM

  I'm not bitter, Howard, I just want to start over.

  HOWARD

  Hey, who wouldn't?

  (to Juliet)

  Marriage is a huge step for anyone—much less a kid like you and a screwed up middle-aged Casanova.

  JULIET

  I keep telling him I think we should wait.

  SAM

  I want you.

  HOWARD

  He's nervous because he knows you'll meet somebody else.

  SAM

  Will you butt out—this man is certifiable.

  HOWARD

  Not so fast. I hear what this young woman is saying—you're pushing too hard.

  (to Juliet)

  What do you need marriage for anyhow? You don't want to lock yourself in with any one guy—you should be out tasting life—you're only a kid once.

  JULIET

  The truth is I'm just coming out of my shell, thanks to Phyllis.

  PHYLLIS

  If it's thanks to me,I'm signing up for shock therapy. And stop calling me Phyllis—I'm still Dr. Riggs.

  CAROL

  (running to Sam, hitting him)

  I'm a spider?! I'm a hairy, grasping spider?!

  SAM

  Carol, get off my back.

  HOWARD

  All I'm saying is she should not be thinking of marriage and especially to you. Remember, Juliet—marriage is the death of hope.

  JULIET

  The death of hope—what a poetic way to put it.

  HOWARD

  Actually, I'm a writer.

  SAM

  (to Howard)

  For you it was the death of hope—for us it's a bright future.

  JULIET

  He brought up marriage—I just got confused.

  HOWARD

  Juliet, may I call you Juliet?—if this guy's talking lifetime commitment, take my advice and run for your life—your young life—after all, you're so pretty and so appetizing— so luscious and succulent—

  PHYLLIS

  For chrissake, Howard, you sound like you want to cook her.

  SAM

  Why are you giving him a shred of credibility? He's a cartoon.

  JULIET

  I told you, Sam, I've never had an affair before—

  HOWARD

  Many men will fall in love with you—you're very lovely— I could and we just met.

  SAM

  He's competing with me—I can't believe it—he's competing.

  HOWARD

  What do you plan to do with your life?

  JULIET

  I'd like to be a film editor.

  HOWARD

  Hey—perfect for me! You know, I've written a number of screenplays.

  SAM

  None that ever sold—oh and a novel.

  JULIET

  (impressed)

  You wrote a novel? How wonderful.

  SAM

  (losing it a little)

  Instantly remaindered. A thinly disguised novel about an excollege athlete who's competitive with a brilliant, foul-mouthed wife who heads the department of a hospital and writes books and is the center of attention wherever they go and who never realizes he's weak and she is inadvertently emasculating the poor bastard so all he lives for is illicit sex.

  PHYLLIS

  With the physically and mentally handicapped.

  HOWARD

  Juliet, I have a number of wonderful possibilities on the coast— actually I expect a call tomorrow from Paramount—

  SAM

  He's delusional, Juliet—he's got nothing—he is nothing.

  JULIET

  I think I feel a migraine coming on—

  SAM

  This is incredible. What started out as a minor annoyance has snowballed into a catastrophe. I love you, Juliet. We vowed it would be forever—now, let's go.

  HOWARD

  No so fast, Sam. Juliet and I have real potential.

  SAM

  He's nuts—he's an emotional yo-yo. In ten minutes we'll be pulling him in off the window ledge.

  HOWARD

  Think about California with me. All I have to do is say yes to a very big deal at MGM.

  JULIET

  Didn't you say Paramount?

  HOWARD

  (talking very fast)

  I have a great notion for a film, although once you have a hit they press you for a three-picture deal. I have some high concept ideas—one I'd like to direct. There's always been quite a bit of interest in me as a director, but I've always said no. Still, I might consider it—provided they sweeten the pot. You can do the editing. I'll wire my r
eal estate broker in Beverly Hills and we'll rent a house, it's silly to buy at first—you never know how long you're staying—of course we'll get something spacious—maybe in Bel Air—I'd love an Olympic-size swimming pool—it'll be fun for the kids—actually I think I read that Warren Beatty might be selling his home. Warren's a very dear friend of mine. Not that we've spent a lot of time together, but we met at a political rally—

  (looks at watch)

  Why don't I call him—let's see, it's three hours earlier there—

  SAM

  (has had enough—he grabs Juliet)

  Come on, we're getting out of here.

  HOWARD

  (stops him)

  Hey—not so fast.

  SAM

  Get out of the way, Howard.

  HOWARD

  No, Sam—you can't always have your way.

  SAM

  I said we're going.

  JULIET

  Now, just a minute here—I'm feeling anxious—

  SAM

  I'm not waiting—we can discuss it in the car.

  HOWARD

  Leave her alone.

  SAM

  Howard …

  HOWARD

  I mean it, Sam, I will not let this girl be pushed around. I mean to spend the rest of my life with her.

  SAM

  I said out of my way!

  (Sam pushes Howard and a scuffle ensues. The scuffle grows more and more serious, to everyone's surprise.)

  PHYLLIS

  All right—knock it off—we're not in the jungle—this is Central Park West.

  JULIET

  Stop it—leave him alone!

  HOWARD

  You're strangling me—

  PHYLLIS

  Stop it—

  JULIET

  Please—I can't stand it! Stop!—Stop!—Stop!

  (There is a general ad-lib as everyone objects and tries to stop Sam. Juliet picks up the gun and shoots Sam. Screams.)

  SAM

  Oh my God!

  PHYLLIS

  Sam!

  JULIET

  What happened!? It went off!

  SAM

  I have a terrific pain in my backside.

  PHYLLIS

  Get an ambulance—

  JULIET

  I didn't mean to—

  PHYLLIS

  (to Carol)

  Call an ambulance!

  JULIET

  Everything went red—

  CAROL

  She's only a kid, but she knew enough to unlock the safety latch. Bravo.

  PHYLLIS

  Get out of here now—before the police come—just walk out the door calmly and go home.

  JULIET

  I'm awfully sorry, Sam.

  SAM

  What is a German Luger doing on my living room table?!

  HOWARD

  How do you like your ravioli? And does anyone want salad?

  PHYLLIS

  (to Juliet)

  Go—the police will come—they'll see that you're the pretty daughter of a known Wall Street banker and they'll lick their lips and phone the press—

  JULIET

  I didn't mean it—it was an accident.

  PHYLLIS

  There are no accidents, baby. You still need me to tell you that? Now go home and stay home. We'll discuss this Monday.

  (to Carol)

  Give me that!

  CAROL

  Get your coat, Howard. We're going home. The Movie Channel is showing The Island of Lost Souls. I want to see if our names come up.

  HOWARD

  Can we stop at Zabar's—I'm out of nutmeg.

  CAROL

  You got enough nutmeg to last a lifetime.

  JULIET

  Good-bye, Dr. Riggs. See you Monday at our usual time—

  SAM

  Juliet—Juliet—don't go—I love you—

  (As lights fade.)

  PHYLLIS

  Grow up, Sam—she shot you in the ass—it's called rejection!

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  woody allen is a writer, director, and— sometimes—star of more than twenty films, including Annie Hall. Random House has also published three of his side-splitting collections:Getting Even, Without Feathers, and Side Effects. Mr. Allen lives in New York City.

  Copyright © 2003 by Woody Allen

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Allen, Woody. [Plays. Selections]

  Three one-act plays / by Woody Allen. p. cm.

  Contents: Writer's block—Riverside Drive—

  Old Saybrook—Central Park West.

  eISBN: 978-0-307-54805-4

  I. Title.

  PS3551.L44T47 2003

  812'.54—dc22 2003061185

  Random House website address: www.atrandom.com

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