Risking It All

by Melissa Stevens

  “They’re out. All four of them. That didn’t take as long as I thought.” Thorne shook his head and chuckled.

  “I knew it wouldn’t take long. You played them into exhaustion. We’re lucky we got Jasmine in the car before she passed out. She was seriously dragging.”

  “She was. I saw it but she was determined to stay if everyone else was still playing.”

  “Jazz is stubborn like that. She gets it from me, I think. I used to be really bad about not letting anyone or anything keep me from doing whatever I wanted.”

  “Has that changed?” There was amusement in his voice.

  “Not really, I’m just a little choosier what I get set on. What I determine I will achieve, no matter the cost. It took me a while to learn, but I know now not everything is worth the battle.”

  “What is?”

  “My kids.” Nancy glanced in the rear view mirror, where she could see heads tilting at different angles, more than one resting against the side of a car seat as they all slept. “My family. Warren. Love. A chance at happiness.”

  “A chance at happiness, not just happiness?”

  Nancy bit the inside of her lip as she tried to find the words to make him understand.

  “I realized something a while back. Something I wish someone had explained to me a long time ago.” She paused, glancing over at him then back to the road. He watched her, waiting for her to continue. “Happiness is not a goal. It’s not something you can hold onto, and it’s not something that just happens. As much as anything, it’s a mindset. It’s how you decide you will see the world and everything in it.” She glanced over to make sure he was following.

  “I’m with you so far.”

  “You can see everything that happens to you as some kind of ploy, someone is out to get you, the world hates you, whatever. We all have challenges and it’s how you deal with them that makes the difference. Not only to you, but to those around you. For example, you go out to get in the car and it won’t start, your battery is dead. It’s frustrating and a pain in the ass, but it can’t ruin your whole day unless you let it. You could get mad, kick the side of the car, call someone and complain, generally bemoan it all day long, whether it’s the world is out to get you, the company is selling junk, or just bad luck, it doesn’t really matter. It’s your choice of how to handle it that has let it ruin your day. You following?” She wanted to look at him again but the semi headed her way made her hesitate to take her eyes off the road.

  “On the other hand, if you choose to make the best of any situation, to generally be happy, then when you find the battery dead, you jumpstart it, or call someone to jumpstart it, get it replaced, be happy it wasn’t something worse, let it go and move on. One negative thing doesn’t ruin your day, or your week, month, year, whatever.”

  “You never get down?” He sounded confused.

  “Don’t get me wrong. I get down, and I’ve had some serious depression. I got help and I’m dealing. There are days I struggle with trying to be happy. There are days when the last thing I want to do is get out of bed and put on a happy face, but I do it for the kids, and you know what? It helps. It may only be a little but choosing not to take every little thing as a personal slight makes things easier. Makes it easier to let go of the bad and remember the new.” Nancy glanced in the rear view again, making sure all the kids were still asleep before she said more.

  “When I lost Thomas I thought my world had ended. In some ways, it had. For a while I was a zombie, getting up, taking care of the kids, but not really there, not registering anything, honestly. I don’t remember much of that time. Thankfully Warren stepped up and helped. He moved down here and helped me with the kids.

  “After a few weeks, I started to function a little better. I realized I needed to get myself together and figure some things out. That’s when I decided go to back to school, finish my degree and start teaching. It’s been a struggle, I won’t deny that, but not taking every small set back to heart, not taking it personally, and making a conscious decision to try to see the best side of everything, made it at least a little easier, at least for me.”

  “I get what you’re saying. It’s easy to blame someone else, to say someone is out to get you, and that’s why, fill in the blank. Why you can’t get a job, why you can’t pay the bills, why you can’t whatever and therefore, why you’re not happy. By choosing to make the best, you’re taking back control, even if it’s just of your attitude. It’s not going to change the things that happen, not in a big way, but it can change the way you’re perceived and how you’re treated.”

  “Exactly.” She glanced at the kids again, through the rear-view. “I’m trying to make it more natural for them. Make it second nature to look at the bright side. I’m not sure how well I’m managing but I’m trying.”

  “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing an amazing job with them. I know I’m just a guy you work with, and I don’t know them well. But what I know of them, they’re some amazing kids. I’ve not yet seen them argue. They get along, they share, and they don’t bicker over who got this and who didn’t.”

  Nancy chuckled. “They fight, trust me. They do all of that, but they were really good today. It might have been partly due to threats of making them sit in the car and watch everyone else have fun. But for the most part, they are good kids. I know that. I just hope I can continue to do as well by them as they get older.”

  She looked at the cherubic sleeping faces a moment and her chest ached with worry that she might screw them up. It wasn’t a new worry, only one that she sometimes couldn’t push away. All she could do was her best. But since her kids were something worth fighting for, she’d do her very best to raise them as happy and healthy as she could.

  They fell quiet, but it was a comfortable quiet as each was lost in their own thoughts. Nancy didn’t know what Thorne was thinking about, but she was thinking about her kids, Thomas, and what the future might bring.

  Chapter 16

  Thorne estimated they were about half an hour from his place when Tommy woke.

  The sound of movement behind him made Thorne turn and check on the kids.

  “Hey, did you have a good nap?”

  “Yeah.” The kid yawned and stretched as much as he could in his seat. “How close are we to home?”

  “Still a little while yet,” Nancy put in, “you okay or do I need to stop?”

  “I could go but not right away. If the others wake they’ll need to go soon.” Tommy scratched the side of his nose and looked at his sister beside him, who still slept, a slight snore escaping her.

  “I’ll start looking.”

  Thorne frowned, then it dawned on him what they were talking about. At first it had seemed like code, but it wasn’t not really, just a kind of family shorthand.

  The sun sat low on the horizon when, a few minutes later, Nancy pulled into a convenience store on the edge of Blackjack.

  “Unbuckle your sister, I’ll wake the other two.” Nancy said as she put the SUV in park and killed the engine.

  Thorne got out as she did and went to the rear door to help, by the time he got the door open, Tommy had freed himself, hit the button on his sister’s car seat and was leaning backward over the seat to get to the twins.

  “Come on, wake up. We’re gonna use the bathroom.”

  “Huh?” Mason muttered before closing his eyes again.

  “Get up. We gotta go inside.” Tommy pushed at his brother again. Mia blinked and rubbed her eyes. She seemed to be waking up.

  “Hey bud, let me try,” Thorne said to Tommy.

  Tommy glanced at him, eyes wide then slid down from his seat and moved to stand next to the truck. Thorne hit the latch to flip the seat and reached back to help Mason out of his seat and out of the truck, Mia was right behind him. Thorne started to step back and let her climb down but she held out her arms for him to lift her down too, so he lifted her out and set her on the ground beside her brothers. On the other side of the vehicle, Nancy lifted a sl
eepy Jasmine from her car seat.

  “Thanks.” She smiled at him across the interior of the vehicle then stepped back and closed the door.

  Thorne herded the kids out of the way and closed the door then he put one hand on Mason’s shoulder while Tommy took Mia’s hand.

  “Come on.”

  They met Nancy and the baby at the front of the truck and followed her inside. She asked about the bathroom then followed the attendant’s directions to the rear corner of the big open space. Reaching the restroom doors she took one look and turned to him.

  “I’m sorry but this may take a while.”

  “Why?”

  “Because with four kids, it just takes a bit.”

  He looked down at the three walking kids, Mia and Tommy were awake and alert, but Mason still looked like a zombie.

  “I can take the boys if it’s okay with you. If you’d rather take them with you, I won’t be offended though.”

  “No, I trust you, or I wouldn’t have brought them around you today, but are you sure you want to?”

  “I don’t mind.”

  “Thank you so much.” She looked down at her sons. “You two go with Mr. Whitman, I’m going to take your sisters. I’ll be out as soon as I can, all right?”

  “We can use the bathroom, Mom.” Tommy rolled his eyes.

  Mason just blinked as if he hadn’t been spoken to.

  “Don’t forget to wash your hands.” Nancy reached out and took Mia’s hand from Tommy, who handed her over as if it was a process he was used to. Nancy took the girls and disappeared through the ladies’ room door.

  “Come on, guys.” Thorne pushed the men’s room door open and held it while they filed past him. Tommy went ahead and disappeared into a stall. Mason had to be prompted for every move, but he didn’t argue. Thorne couldn’t help but shake his head as he wondered at the boy. Yeats had been that way at this age. It took forever for him to wake up and even longer before his brain seemed to kick in, in the mornings. Thorne couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever gotten past that or if he was still that way.

  When they were done, Thorne wrapped an arm around Mason’s waist and lifted him up so the boy could reach the sink to wash his hands, and grab a towel, then he set the boy back on his feet.

  “Ready?”

  Mason blinked at him.

  “I am. Mom will be waiting,” Tommy said. “Thanks for this. I hate going in the girls’ bathroom.”

  “No problem, bud.” Thorne opened the door and watched the boys file out, then looked up, half expecting to find Nancy and the girls standing in the small hallway, waiting but it was empty. Had they managed to beat the girls out of the bathroom? Sure they wouldn’t be far, if they were even out yet, he had the boys stand next to the wall so people could pass if they wanted, and they waited. A couple minutes later, the door to the ladies’ room opened and out came Mia, then Nancy, once again carrying Jasmine.

  “Sorry about that. We had a wardrobe malfunction and it took a little longer than I anticipated.”

  “No problem. You want anything before we hit the road again?”

  “I could use some water.”

  “Any particular brand?”

  “No, whatever’s fine. Here, let me give you my card to pay for it.”

  “I got it.”

  “I don’t know.”

  Thorne met her gaze. “It’s water. It’s not a big deal.”

  “All right. I’ll take them out and start getting them back in their seats.”

  “I’ll be out in a minute. You want to?” he gave a pointed look down at the kids, hoping she’d understand. He didn’t want to ask in front of them, because then they’d ask for something and he didn’t want to put her in that position. Relief washed through him when she smiled and gave her head a small shake.

  “They’ve been sleeping they’re fine for now.”

  “Okay. I’ll only be a minute then.”

  By the time he made it out to the truck, she had the three younger kids in their seats and buckled in. Tommy was climbing into his seat as Nancy opened her door and stepped up into the driver’s seat. Thorne went to his side and climbed in. He twisted around to check on the kids before handing Nancy the water he’d gotten her and twisting the top off his own.

  After she’d taken a long drink, Nancy set her bottle in the cup holder on her side of the console, dropping the lid into the cubby right there, and started the truck.

  “What do you figure? Another half hour to your place?” She backed out of the parking space, and pointed the truck back toward the road.

  “Probably a little closer to an hour with traffic. We’re out for the holidays, but most don’t have that advantage and it’s still rush hour.”

  “You’re right. I’m not entirely used to that. I guess I just assume if I don’t have work, no one else does either.”

  “You’ll get used to it, but it takes a little while.”

  She pulled out on the highway, both hands on the wheel. It was the same way she’d driven most of the day. Thorne didn’t know if it was how she normally drove or if it was because of the dusting of snow they’d hit this morning.

  Watching her, he couldn’t help but notice, not for the first time today, the missing ring on her left hand. The first time he’d seen the pale band on her ring finger where the ring had been, his heart had thundered in his chest. It was a step, it was huge step and he couldn’t help but be happy. But the longer he thought about it, the more unsure he became. Was it really a step she was closer to moving on? Was there a chance she might see him as more than a coworker sometime this century?

  The more he thought about other possibilities, the tighter his chest got. His stomach churned at the idea he may be pushing her faster than she was ready. Had he pushed? He didn’t think so but maybe she saw it differently? He was so lost in his own worry, in his own stress, he barely realized when they reached his neighborhood.

  “Thanks for inviting us to go to your parents today. We had a lot of fun.” Nancy’s voice pulled him out of his musings.

  “I’m glad I did. Your kids are great. I had a great time today.”

  “They did too. So did I. And your mom is amazing. She seemed to actually enjoy a bunch of kids swarming around the house.”

  “I don’t doubt she did. She probably misses having a bunch around. When I was growing up, our house was the hub for all our friends. Odd as it was because we were so far out of town, but it’s true. Same for Frost and his friends. Charlie too to a certain extent, but it wasn’t the same scale as she only had one or two girls she spent time with, mostly she hung around boys. Said they were easier and more fun. I don’t think Yeats has the same kind of crowd he hangs around with I did.”

  “You were a popular kid, huh?”

  “Not so much popular as hung around with a big crowd. There were fifteen or twenty of us, which considering the size of Garrett High, is a pretty good size group, but we were mostly the ranch kids slash cowboys. We were the ones who rode, worked cattle, had chores, well most of us had chores but not of the same caliber that most of my crowd did. What about you? What kind of kid were you?”

  Nancy shrugged and he thought for a moment she wasn’t going to answer.

  “I don’t know what you’d call it. I wasn’t popular, but I wasn’t unpopular. I was just kind of there. I went to class, I had a couple after school activities, but mostly I was just getting through.”

  She pulled into the parking lot of his complex and parked in one of the guest spaces near his building.

  “Thanks again, for today.”

  “No problem. I enjoyed it as much as anyone else. In fact, I’d love to do it again if we get a chance.”

  “I may take you up on that,” she said with a smile.

  “I hope you do.” Thorne hit the button releasing his seat belt and twisted around in his seat to look at the kids. “You guys be good for your mom. Don’t give her too much trouble tonight, alright?”

  “We won’t.” Tommy was the o
nly one to answer.

  “I tried.” Thorne looked at Nancy and shrugged. “You’ve got my number, call if you need anything, or even if you just want to talk.”

  “I may.”

  “I hope you do.” He didn’t wait for her answer, instead opened the door and let himself out, taking his half-empty water bottle with him. He reached the sidewalk and turned to wave, thinking she’d leave now, but the truck didn’t move. He waited a moment but she laid both hand on top of the wheel, letting him know she wasn’t going anywhere.

  Thorne shook his head and turned for his apartment, if he hadn’t been dressed to play in the snow with the kids, he’d be shivering. From the breeze on his face, he guessed the temperature was in the high thirties now, but it would drop fast now that the sun had set.

  He hurried to his door and fumbled with his keys, glancing back once he’d gotten the door open. The truck still sat where it had been when he’d gotten out. He waved and stood there long enough to see Nancy wave back, then ducked inside. He hung up his jacket, stopped at the thermostat and turned it to a more comfortable temperature then went to take a shower.

  An hour later, showered and dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, Thorne kicked back in his recliner looked for something interesting to watch on TV. He wasn’t having much success. There were several things that would normally catch his interest, but he kept finding his mind drifting back to Nancy and her missing wedding ring.

  He was staring at his screen, not paying attention to whatever they were saying when his phone chimed an incoming text. Curious, he picked it up, but almost dropped it again when he saw it was from Nancy.

  Nancy: You said to call any time but I hope texting is okay?

  Thorne stared at the screen for a minute wondering if she was serious.

  Thorne: Of course. What’s on your mind?

  Thorne: You better not thank me again!

  After he sent the second message, he started at the screen wondering if it would come across too harsh. Before he’d could decide, his phone buzzed with another message.

  Nancy: Getting tired of hearing it?