Who Breaks First: A New Adult Bully Romance (Clearwater University Book 1)

by Eva Ashwood

  As she leans over her backpack, I get a brief glimpse of her dainty cleavage, and I feel my dick respond again. I turn away, clearing my throat.

  Emma’s still so on edge that the noise makes her jump a little, and she drops her phone on the floor as she tries to stuff it into a side pocket of her bag. Because I was raised to be a gentleman—and okay, maybe because I want to see if she has any texts from that Peter fucker—I get up from my chair and crouch down to pick up the phone for her.

  As I do, she bends down to grab the phone too, and as we both rise at the same time, our bodies brush against one another. I’m standing right in front of her, looking down at Emma and seeing that charming deer-in-headlights look that she gets when she’s overwhelmed. Neither one of us moves, and as we stay rooted to the spot, electricity seems to zap between us.

  Fucking hell. This isn’t just me. I know it isn’t. One person can’t generate this level of sexual chemistry all on their own. Emma is just as powerfully attracted to me as I am to her, despite our circumstances.

  I bring my fingers to the sides of her arms and I see that she has goosebumps. I gently touch her skin, watching intently as she closes her eyes. Yep, Emma is definitely enjoying this contact. Or at the very least, she can’t seem to resist it. Next, I bring my hand down through her hair. The blonde strands are silky and full, and for a second, I think I might be the luckiest motherfucker in all of Clearwater.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, my voice raspy.

  “No, Reese.” The words come out on a sigh, and I think she spoke them against her will. Like she doesn’t want to admit weakness to me. “I’m not okay. I’m so fucking far from okay.”

  “It’s not gonna get any better,” I whisper. “Although I wish it would.”

  Her eyes snap open, seeming as surprised at my admission as I was at hers. Then she shakes her head, her gaze hardening even though she doesn’t step away from me.

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m going to get through it.”

  “Yeah.” I tug on her hair gently. “I believe you will.”

  We’re already standing so close our bodies are brushing, but now Emma leans even closer to me, and my heart starts thudding hard in my chest. I’m pretty sure we’re about to kiss. I come so close that I can smell her cherry lip-gloss when I feel Emma pull away and take a deep breath.

  She still hasn’t stepped back though. It’s almost like she can’t.

  And I don’t fucking want to let her. If she moves away, this moment between us will break, and I’m not quite ready to let it go yet.

  “Why did you say no to me?” I murmur, bringing my gentle fingers to her abdomen now. I think Emma almost moans from the feeling of it.

  “What do you mean?” She shakes her head, breathing a little harder.

  “When I asked you out. Remember? We went to see a movie in San Diego, and then you and I left West and Trent behind for a while and walked on the beach. I asked you to go out with me.”

  “Yeah, I remember.” Emma licks her lips, looking almost terrified.

  Maybe I shouldn’t be pushing her, but I need an answer. It’s driven me crazy for years, wondering what the hell was going on in her head that day.

  “Why did you say no?” I press. “You wanted me. I could see it in your eyes. So why did you turn me down?”

  Emma’s body is shaking. I can feel the vibrations in mine from everywhere we’re touching or almost touching. Her pulse beats wildly in her neck, and my own heartbeat matches it as my dick grows even harder. Everything about her invades my senses, and when I cup her chin between my thumb and knuckle and tilt her head up, it looks like she has to fight to keep her eyelids from drooping.

  The chemistry between us crackles like lightning, and I lower my head, my mouth drawn toward hers by what feels like a magnetic force.

  “You’re wrong. I never wanted you,” she finally whispers, her breath brushing against my lips. Then she pulls away and grabs blindly for her backpack before running from the room.

  I’m left standing there by myself, with just the echo of her lie to keep me company.

  And it was a lie.

  If she doesn’t want me, why did I just feel her body literally melting next to mine? Why is it that when I touched her, Emma looked like she was about to come on the fucking spot?

  I put my hands on my hips and look around the room, remembering as I do that it’s got two walls that are entirely made of glass. People probably saw what went down, but I don’t really care. Emma might be embarrassed about it, but I’m sure as fuck not. I know there’s something she isn’t telling me, something that explains this crazy electricity between us that won’t go away.

  As thoughts of what just happened flicker through my head, I realize my heart is pounding in my chest and my dick is as hard as a rock.

  Jesus fucking Christ. Get it together, Reese. I’m not a sex-crazed kid anymore. I’m a man.

  And now I’ve gotta go back to my room and jerk off like a child.

  9

  Emma

  Things aren’t going as planned.

  As more weeks pass, I find that my concentration in class is waning. I do my best to focus, taking as many notes as I can before going back to the dorm and drowning myself in homework, but none of it is working.

  Not only are the guys under my skin, they’re also invading my dreams at night. My dreams about all of them turn sexual at one point or another, but I also have different thoughts about each of them. When Trent comes into a dream, I’m always confronting him to find out the truth of what happened between us in high school. When Reese comes into a dream, he’s always sweet and comforting—until he turns on me.

  There’s no talking when West is in a dream. Just hard, angry sex.

  I’m not proud of any of this, but I can’t stop it. I’m sure the guys are only too happy to see me unraveling. They don’t care how they break me, they just want to break me. I can tell Leslie notices the change that’s come over me. We’re still super close, and I really like hanging out with her, but I’ve been so erratic and lost in my thoughts lately that I know she sees it. When she tries to ask me about it, I just say I’ve been PMSing… for several weeks.

  I can’t control what happens in my dreams, but in my waking hours, I indulge in a lot of fantasies about making the guys suffer like they made me suffer.

  It probably makes me just as sick and twisted as they are, but I think maybe it would make me feel better in some way to make them pay for what they did to me.

  I try to walk around campus with Peter whenever I can, because I know how much it pisses the guys off. But it has to go deeper than that. I want to sabotage them in the way they’re sabotaging me—to wreck college for them, to ruin them. Sometimes, when I’m supposed to be taking notes in class, I just jot down ways in which I can exact my revenge.

  There are some things on that list that are so fucked up, I’d probably never have the guts to do them, but it feels good to write them down.

  I often think about the resolution I made on my first day, when I was riding my bike to Clearwater U in the warm fall sunshine. I promised myself I would start again and create new opportunities for myself. That I would avoid trouble, keep my head down, and graduate with good grades. And I held strong to that plan for so long. So why have things taken a turn for the worse?

  “So… I have to admit something,” Leslie says, lying on her back in bed. Midterms are only a week away, and we just finished a marathon study session.

  “What?” I crane my neck to look at her. I’m lying in my bed in much the same way.

  “I started dating someone.”

  My heart sinks in my chest. Dammit, no. I was using Leslie as my rock, my example of staying strong, and now I’m about to lose her. Not that she doesn’t have the right to date whoever she wants.

  “Who?” I ask.

  “This guy in my Economics class. His name is Rory. He’s pretty cute,” she says casually, and I’m envious of her.

  Not because she has a
crush on someone, but because she’s so casual about it. I wish I could talk about guys that way. I’d give anything to turn back time and go back to when things were good between me, Reese, West, and Trent. When their friendship made me feel safe and cherished. When I could say their names casually. Considering what’s happened between the four of us, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to be casual with any guy again.

  I’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  “That’s awesome,” I say, faking a smile. I want to be happy for her, even if I can’t quite muster it right now. “When do I get to meet him?”

  “There are always tons of parties in his dorm. We should go.”

  “Yeah. That would be fun.” I roll onto my back again to look up at the ceiling.

  Shit. Leslie is going to have a boyfriend, I’m going to flunk out of school, and my dad will have reason again to think that I’m a monster screw-up.

  As if responding to my thoughts, my phone pings, and when I pick it up, I see that my dad is texting me.

  DAD: Hey, Ems. You up for dinner sometime this week? With me and a friend?

  My eyebrows shoot up, and my thumbs fly across the screen quickly as I tap out my response.

  ME: Sure. What friend?

  DAD: Well, more than a friend, actually. I’m dating someone.

  ME: Seriously?

  DAD: Yes, how about Friday?

  ME: Cool

  Shit, is this for real? Has the whole world gone mad? Dad’s actually dating someone?

  This must have been going on for a while without him telling me. Dad has never introduced me to any woman he’s dated before, so it must be pretty serious if they’ve reached that point. I didn’t even know he was getting out there or seeing anyone. The last time I saw him with anyone was in high school, and I definitely wasn’t supposed to know about that.

  Fuck. The next thing I know, everyone in my social circle will be dating someone, and I’ll be left to obsess over West, Trent, and Reese. Until they all start dating girls too.

  Okay, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. I wasn’t prone to catastrophic thinking until after everything went down in high school. Since then, it’s like my mind just spins out of control with horrible possibilities.

  “My dad is dating someone,” I tell Leslie, my voice sounding a little doubtful.

  “Huh.” Her brows pull together. “Is that good or bad?”

  “I mean, it’s good. He’s barely dated since my mom died, and I’ve always wanted him to be with someone. But I guess I’m just surprised.”

  “I can see why, if it’s coming out of the blue.” She flops over onto her stomach, propping her chin on her hands. “Who knows? Maybe she’ll be some badass bitch.”

  She’s right. This could be a really good thing. I can’t let my own trust issues turn me against all relationships. Some of them have to be good.

  “I’m sure she will be. My dad only likes amazing people,” I say, and Leslie chuckles.

  Our conversation moves on to other topics, and we end up talking about my mom and what she was like. I don’t go into details about her death or anything from around that time, but I tell Leslie about the good times, and how Mom was such a perfect fit for Dad.

  And the more I talk, the more I realize it has to be true. Whoever this woman is that he’s dating now, she must be great. I can’t imagine my dad dating someone who isn’t awesome, because he’s just a really great guy.

  By the time we both sit up to dive back into studying, I’m actually looking forward to Friday night.

  Before I know it, another couple of unproductive days pass and Friday is upon me. Dad said he’d pick me up on the way to dinner, so at seven o’clock, I head downstairs to wait outside my dorm building. I’m wearing a cute floral dress I found at a thrift shop, and I actually changed my outfit three times before settling on this one. Funnily enough, I’m feeling kinda nervous.

  As I see my dad’s green Prius pulling up, I glance from side to side, desperately hoping that none of the guys are watching. One of my biggest fears has always been that dad will find out about the bullying. I kept it from him in high school, and if he knew what happened, it would kill me. West, Reese, and Trent might not survive it either, but that’s not the kind of revenge I want. I don’t want my dad to get involved and do something stupid, and I don’t want him to look at me with pity.

  Dad stops the car, and I quickly hop into the passenger side.

  “Hey, Ems.” He grins at me, excitement beaming from his pores.

  “Hey, Dad,” I reply, leaning over and giving him a kiss.

  “You look beautiful.”

  “Oh, thanks. I found this at a thrift store.”

  “That’s my girl. Always so resourceful.” He shoots me a wink as we pull out of the parking lot. My gaze scans the street as we head toward the edge of campus, my nerves still on high alert. Please don’t let any of the guys cross our path. As far as I know, Dad doesn’t even know they go to school here. When he offered to pick me up, I actually told him it would be better for me to ride my bike, but he insisted.

  We catch up during the car ride, and when we pull up outside the restaurant twenty minutes later, my jaw drops in surprise. “Seriously? Louie’s?”

  “You know it’s my favorite steak house.”

  “This girlfriend must be pretty fancy.”

  “She’s not all that fancy. She just has good taste,” he jokes.

  I’m beginning to wonder if I dressed up enough for this occasion. Why couldn’t Dad have told me we were coming to Louie’s?

  And Jesus, is there going to be an engagement announcement or something tonight?

  “Can we talk before we go in?” Dad pulls the keys out of the ignition and turns to me.

  “Sure,” I say slowly, a little apprehensive about what “the talk” is going to be.

  “You know I’ll always love your mother, right?”

  I cock my head, favoring him with a duh look. “Dad, of course, I do.”

  “Because I don’t want you to think anyone is ever going to replace her. She was a woman I can never compare anyone to. And she gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received in my life.”

  Clearing my throat, I glance down at my hands in my lap. “Come on, Dad. You’re gonna make me cry.”

  “I’m going to cry.” He chuckles, and his voice does sound a little watery.

  “You don’t have to say all this though,” I tell him. “And you didn’t have to hide from me that you were dating someone. All this time, I wanted you to meet someone nice.”

  “It’s not as easy as you think. I mean, there have been women in the past.”

  “Okay, just don’t go into too much detail though.” I raise my hands as I pull a face.

  “I won’t, Ems.” Dad snorts a laugh. “I’m just saying that this one is the most special. She’s really important to me, and I know you’re going to love her.”

  “If she makes you happy, that’s all that I want.”

  “Thank you, sweetheart.” A contented smile blooms on his face. He starts to unbuckle his seatbelt, then stops. “Oh, and before we go in, I want to ask you about school.”

  I freeze, my heart practically seizing in my chest. The way he spoke makes it sound like he knows something bad has happened. But how could he know? I haven’t told him anything.

  “What about it?” I ask, thinking that must be the lamest, most guilty response in the history of the world.

  “Well, how’s it going? We haven’t talked about it in weeks. Maybe it’s even been a month.”

  “I’ve just been staying focused. Haven’t missed one class yet.”

  “And your grades are okay?”

  I feel all the air evacuate my lungs. The truth is, I have no idea how my grades are doing. I just know I’m falling behind. Because I can sense that I’m falling behind, I haven’t wanted to look at it to know the actual damage. I’ve wanted it all to go away.

  “I think so,” I finally say. “I mean, we
haven’t had midterms yet, but they’re coming up soon.”

  “Well, just keep me posted. How you’re feeling and how you’re doing are incredibly important to me.” Dad reaches over to pat my knee.

  “Okay,” I reply, trying my best to not look guilty as hell.

  Sometimes I think all my fear that Dad is going to find out is a waste of time, because he doesn’t see any of it. Maybe it’s a kind of fatherly blindness or something. He never saw the truth of what was going on in high school, even when the bullying was at its worst. And if my dad has rose-colored glasses when it comes to me, then that’s perfectly fine. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’d throw myself in front of a bus before ever letting him know the amount of suffering I’ve been through.

  “Good. Then let’s go. I’m starving.” He hops out of the car and then comes around to open my door for me, offering me his arm as we head toward the restaurant.

  “No valet parking?” I joke, seeing all the SUVs out front.

  “Anyone who valet parks a Prius is just asking for embarrassment.”

  As we walk up to Louie’s, I see a lot of people who look more dressed up than me, but I don’t care anymore. I’m about to meet the woman my dad loves, and as much as I want to make a good impression, I want her to get to know the real me too. Inside the restaurant, everything becomes dark and cool. Louie’s has a vibe that’s very modern and old-school at the same time.

  “Right this way,” the hostess says, leading us to a booth way in the back.

  As we approach the booth, I see a woman already seated on one side of it, wearing a little black dress. My footsteps falter, and my breath catches in my throat.

  It suddenly occurs to me that Dad never told me he wanted to introduce me to his new girlfriend, just that he wanted to take me out to dinner with her. It makes sense now. I don’t need to be introduced to this woman, because I already know her.

  It’s Trent’s mother.