Stay Sexy & Don't Get Murdered
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Under the screengrab, Carey texted, “If you’re ever feeling down, just remember THIS. You led a feminist movement. That’s a legacy that will live on without you!” I of course made a joke about how it sounded like she thought I was suicidal or she was preparing my eulogy, but if I had given vulnerability a shot in that moment, instead of the humor that I’ve relied on my whole life to shield me from intimate (read: awkward) moments, I would have just sent her a photo of myself crying, which is what actually occurred when I read her text.
Just two years ago, I could have never imagined that this would be my life … that I was someone who actually had a LEGACY to leave behind one day. Since MFM started, whenever I run into someone I know and haven’t seen since the success of the podcast (which is A LOT in a city like LA), they always say something along the lines of “Can you believe it?!” or “Did you think this was going to happen??” or “How do you feel about all this craziness?!”
My answer is almost always the same: mouth slightly agape in speechless awe, a slow tremor-like shake of my head back and forth to portray my disbelief. Then I just mumble something about “It’s crazy … I can’t even…,” and I use my hands to mimic my head exploding. Then I change the subject. But what I really want to say is somewhere along the lines of “I am so fucking lucky. I am so fucking grateful. I think I deserve this, but I also can’t believe it’s happening. I promise to use my powers for good and not evil.”
We’ve heard from so many people who have decided to go back to school to pursue a career related to true crime because of the podcast convincing them that their interest in murder is OK. These future criminal attorneys, police officers, forensic psychologists, and others have that empathy and goodness that is capable of changing the world.
The most important part of that legacy, one that Michelle was able to achieve through her terminal empathy and gorgeous poetic writing skills, is that in this world of true-crime obsession, it isn’t about the blood, the gore, the terror, or the murderer. That shit is totally fascinating and we’re all obsessed with it on some level, but at the end of the day, the only reason it matters is the victim. It’s the victim and their friends and family who will forever be affected by the trueness of the crime long after the killer is caught or the popular tabloid case of the moment has moved on to something new.
I also feel incredibly grateful that Karen and I have listeners who help us learn from our mistakes and that we get to share those corrections on the podcast. I don’t mean like how to pronounce awkwardly spelled city names in Wisconsin or whatever; I mean updating the language around crimes and violence in a way that acknowledges the victim’s humanity. Like saying sex worker instead of prostitute and died by suicide instead of committed. And our listeners don’t stop there. We’re constantly blown away by the donations that Murderinos have made to important causes like End the Backlog and RAINN in our names and the friendships that have formed because the podcast brings together women with sharp minds and good hearts who are ready to be vulnerable and make a connection.
So when I say my standard polite acknowledgment of “I’m so lucky,” what I really mean isn’t that I’m lucky that the podcast got to the top of the iTunes charts or that we make enough money to cover rent or whatever; I mean that Karen and I are so lucky that we got a chance to show our vulnerable sides to each other without judgment, and through that, we created an imperfectly perfect legacy that is so much bigger than we are.
Stay Sexy. And Don’t Get Murdered.
Elvis, want a cookie?
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
KAREN
I’d like to thank my sister Laura Kilgariff, for her lifelong and continued older-sister excellence, as well as my other sister, Adrienne Kulasingam, for always being on my side. And I’d like to thank my father, Jim Kilgariff, for being the funniest person on the planet, the wisest man I’ve ever met, and the best father in the world.
GEORGIA
Thank you to my husband, Vince Averill. When my mind won’t stop chasing anxious thoughts, you clothesline that fucker and wrap me in your hilarious chillness and for that I will always be grateful.
Thank you to my parents, Janet and Marty, for not disowning me when I was at my worst, and always being proud of me at my best, and everything in between.
Thanks to my siblings, Asher and Leah, for letting me share my childhood memories, which also belong to them, and not suing me for the stuff I get wrong. Thank you to my sister-in-law, Yolanda, for making our family seem slightly less neurotic. And to my two sweet, perfect nephews, Micah and Joe, for making me laugh and giving me hope for the future.
KAREN & GEORGIA
We want to thank everyone at Tor/Forge Books and Macmillan for their hard work and enthusiasm, Meredith Miller and the entire MFM Team at UTA, and STEVEN! Ray Morris for being there for us from the beginning.
We’d like to thank our brilliant editor, Ali Fisher, who truly made this book happen in every way.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Known for her biting wit and musical prowess, Karen Kilgariff has been a staple in the comedy world for decades. As a performer, she has appeared on Mr. Show, The Book Group, and Conan. She then transitioned to scripted television, writing for shows like Other Space, Portlandia, and Baskets. Her musical comedy album Live at the Bootleg was included in Vulture’s 9 Best Stand-Up Specials and Albums of 2014. You can sign up for email updates here.
Georgia Hardstark has enjoyed a successful career as a food writer and Cooking Channel on-camera personality, which began with the invention of the farcical cocktail the McNuggetini. She went on to cohost a travel/adventure/party show called Tripping Out with Alie & Georgia, and a regular gig on Cooking Channel’s number-one show Unique Sweets. She capped that off as a repeat guest narrator on Comedy Central’s hit show Drunk History. You can sign up for email updates here.
For more information visit MyFavoriteMurder.com or follow My Favorite Murder:
Facebook: @MFMpodcast
Instagram: @myfavoritemurder
Twitter: @MyFavMurder
Visit Georgia Hardstark and her cats online:
Instagram: @hardstark and @elvisandmimianddot
Twitter: @GHardstark
Visit Karen Kilgariff on Twitter at @KarenKilgariff
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CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
DEDICATION
LET’S SIT CROOKED & TALK STRAIGHT: KAREN’S INTRODUCTION
1. FUCK POLITENESS
Georgia’s Take on Red Flags and Riot Grrrl Courage
Karen’s Guide to Prioritizing Your Own Agenda
2. SWEET BABY ANGEL
Karen’s Lecture on Self-Care
Georgia Gets Her Nipple Pierced for All the Right Reasons
3. YOU’RE IN A CULT, CALL YOUR DAD
Karen on How to Not Drink the Kool-Aid Even When You’re Spiritually Parched
Georgia on Kleptomania and Calling Your Dad
4. SEND ’EM BACK
Georgia on Car Crashes and Meeting Karen
Karen’s Step-by-Step Guide on How to Be a Latchkey Kid
5. DON’T BE A FUCKING LUNATIC
Karen’s Plan for When the Party’s Finally Over
Georgia’s Top Ten “Holy Shit!” Moments in Therapy
6. GET A JOB
Karen’s Dos and Don’ts Guide to Becoming Employee of the Month
Georgia on Working for the Weekend and Also Free Snacks
7. BUY YOUR OWN SHIT
Georgia Demonstrates the Zen in the Art of Being a Crazy Ex-Girlfr
iend
Karen’s Advice on How Not to Be Thirteen Forever
8. STAY OUT OF THE FOREST
Georgia Loses Her Brother but Finds Herself
Karen’s Lessons from Listeners and Canadian Aldermen
NOTES
FUCKIN’ HOORAY!: GEORGIA’S CONCLUSION
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
COPYRIGHT
STAY SEXY & DON’T GET MURDERED
Copyright © 2019 by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
All rights reserved.
Illustration credits: here © Megan Lara; here © Danielle Winstanley; here © Haley D. Fischer; here © Rachel Ross; here © Rita Garza of RitaWorks Art & Illustration; here © Jenna Beddick; here © Claire Mabbett; here © Abigail Ervin; here © Lucie Rice Illustration & Design; here © Lauren Goldberg
Photograph credits: here © Alexandra Lucas; here, here, here, here, here, here, here © Leah Montagnino; here, here © Jean Cleary; here, here © Laura Kilgariff; here © Lindsay Dillon; here © Paul F. Tompkins; here © James Kavin Cook; here © MGM/Photography; here, here © Martin Hardstark. All other photos courtesy of the authors.
A Forge Book
Published by Tom Doherty Associates
175 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10010
www.tor-forge.com
Forge® is a registered trademark of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC.
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-17895-4 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-250-17896-1 (ebook)
eISBN 9781250178961
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: May 2019