Cheetahs Never Win

by RJ Blain

  “That she broke my jackhammer breaking my planar.”

  Joe turned to me, and we stared at each other. When it became clear Sassy’s brother was at a complete loss, I sad, “I can help him pick out a new planar and a jackhammer, and until you think I’m able to drive, I’ll give Sassy the keys to my truck.”

  “You’re not helping, Aaron.”

  “Sure I am. Do you really think your old man will leave the hardware store without breaking the budget otherwise? After fitting a planar and a jackhammer in the bed of my truck, he’ll have to leave space for my tools. It’s probably cheaper to get him a new planar and jackhammer than it is to leave him with half the bed of a truck to fill.”

  “I hate that you’re right.”

  I nodded at the line sticking in my arm. “When do I get free of this thing?”

  “In an hour, and keep it quiet. My sister is sulking at the top of the stairs as a cheetah. Mom banned her from coming down the steps, and Dad threatened to make her sleep in the guest bedroom alone if she didn’t behave. I had Dad tell her I was doing a thorough examination, and since she has no idea how long those actually take, she’s assuming I’m just being thorough. I’ll have to wipe your arm down with antiseptic to mask the scent of blood, but it should do the trick. If she does smell your blood, I’ll just say I did a blood test. If she smell’s Dad’s blood, I’ll tell her I was checking his virus levels. Since everyone got a round of virus levels being checked today, she won’t think twice about it.”

  I could live with an hour. I hoped.

  A chirping Sassy waited at the top of the stairs, and I scratched behind her ears, fighting to keep from laughing. “Everything’s fine,” I promised. “I’m wiped and in dire need of some sleep, but everything’s fine.”

  Sassy’s father came up behind me and thumped his hand against my shoulder. “Take him to your room and remember to be gentle,” he ordered. “Let him sleep as long as he wants, and try to limit how much weight you rest on him. He’s not a pillow. Tonight, you’re limited to putting your chin on his shoulder. Purring is acceptable. Other than that, keep your paws and teeth to yourself.”

  Sassy shook herself, rose, and retreated in the direction of the staircase leading upstairs, and I followed, too tired to hide my grimace.

  Joe shadowed me. “I’ll check on you in the morning. I’m also going to call in a few prescriptions for you. Sassy, you’ll need to pick them up in the morning. While you’re running errands, I’d like a copy of his medical insurance.”

  Twisting her ears back, Sassy glared at her brother.

  “We’ll talk about it tomorrow, just please get me a copy of his medical insurance. Snag me a complete copy of his medical record while you’re at it. Oh, and the contact information for his lawyer would be nice, too. In the meantime, keep Aaron company, keep him warm, and try not to shred your bedding. And no, the scripts aren’t anything to worry about. He needs some supplements while he recovers. It’s annoying they weren’t already prescribed, but it’s no big deal. He’ll just bounce back faster while taking them.”

  Sassy chirped and bobbed her head.

  After being poked and prodded, I viewed the potential of Sassy puncturing me in her typical feline enthusiasm minimal at worst. “It’s fine, Sassy. Your brother’s paranoid, as is my brother. You know how those military types get, and since our bothers get along, well, they gang up on their unsuspecting victims. I’m their choice of victim this week. Let them be worrywarts. As for the medical records, they’re worry warts. Don’t ask me about the lawyer. Joe probably wants our lawyer’s info because he likes handsome men.”

  “Funny, Aaron. Why am I helping you again?”

  “You like that I tell the truth with an added bonus of being easy on the eyes. Unfortunately for you, I’m unwavering in my heterosexuality.”

  “How annoying. Dad, I’ll drop by in the morning. Sassy, unless he stops breathing, he’s fine. Should he stop breathing, yell for Dad. He’s good at CPR.”

  Sassy’s father sighed. “Stop trying to give your sister a panic attack, Joe. Aaron, go to bed.”

  As only an idiot argued with Sassy’s father, I did as told.

  Sassy had only herself to blame for my unconscious behavior. Had she not used me as a climbing pole, I wouldn’t have sought revenge in my sleep. Waking up holding eighty pounds of cranky feline added some spice to my morning. She growled and beat me with her tail, an understandable reaction to being held hostage and unable to escape.

  All in all, I found the situation pleasing, as she kept me warm.

  As my nose was already buried into the bristly fur of her neck, I decided to enjoy the moment and take a few deep breaths.

  “Sassy, will you stop your complaining already?” Joe grunted and tapped his foot on the floor. “Obviously, he likes where you’re at. What’s the problem? You’re always whining you can’t attract single men, but now that you’ve got one wrapped around you, you’re whining about it! You even got him into bed with you. You should be celebrating. Aaron, let her go already. It’s noon. You need to take your medications and have breakfast. Your parents came over earlier this morning, but they left when they found out you were still sleeping. They looked in, saw you’d wrangled yourself a cheetah, and bailed.”

  “My cheetah,” I mumbled, rubbing my nose in Sassy’s fur. “Warm.”

  “And you’re obviously still asleep. You need a hot bath and breakfast. After, I’ll do another examination and see how you’re doing. Sassy, I really need you to go pick up his scripts while I figure out why his body temp is low enough he’s using you as a heater.”

  While I grumbled complaints, I released her. “Sorry, Sassy.”

  She rolled over and dragged her tongue over my face. Twice.

  “I deserved that.”

  Joe chuckled. “Get a move on, Sassy. I’ll make sure he’s all right. Oh, and do me a favor?”

  Sassy chirped.

  “Mom put in an order with the butcher. She’ll give you the address. Pick up her purchases in Aaron’s truck, please? You’ll have a few undercover cops tailing you watching for anything suspicious. Stay off the highways.”

  Flattening her ears, she hissed at her brother.

  “Are you sure you want to date that hissy cat? Less complaining, more running errands. I have to go to work sometime today, and Dad’ll whoop my ass if I don’t check on your pet human. You even put clothes out for yourself last night to make this morning easier. Smart. Now, move your ass. Seriously. You’re on dinner duty. You know what’ll happen if Mom feels like she wasn’t hospitable to a guest.”

  Sassy bolted out of bed, slowed long enough to grab her clothes in her mouth, and fled.

  “I see our mothers share similar beliefs about hospitality.”

  “Added bonus of my mother knowing we can take a whooping and not have a bruise by morning. In good news, my mother would only whoop our asses if we really earned it.”

  “Switch?” I guessed.

  “And we had to pick it out ourselves. Only took once to make it clear we never wanted the switch again.” Joe laughed, leaned out of Sassy’s bedroom, and stared down the hall, shaking his head. “And off she goes.”

  The thumps on the stairs concerned me. “Did she just fall down the stairs?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’m okay!” Sassy yelled.

  “Is she even dressed? How could she get dressed that fast?”

  “Not precisely. She was yanking on her pants when she tried to take the stairs, resulting in her headlong flight down the entire damned thing. She’s tough. She’ll be fine.” Louder, he added, “Put a damned bra on, woman!”

  “Screw you, Joe!”

  “Sastria, you dress yourself properly before leaving this house,” Sassy’s mother hollered.

  “Honestly, she did better than usual. Last time, she hadn’t gotten her pants all the way on before bolting out the door. Cheetahs? We’re not body shy. You’ll get used to it.”

  I hoped I never got used to it;
Sassy in a bikini could reduce me to a gibbering mess in five seconds flat. Fortunately—or unfortunately, as the case often was—she rarely went swimming. Cheetahs and water didn’t mix, although I hoped to buck the trend since I enjoyed a good weekend at the lake.

  At least Sassy liked fish.

  With as much dignity as I could muster, I replied, “I think I’ll manage somehow.”

  “It’ll be such a burden on you, I’m sure.”

  A door slammed downstairs, and moments later, my new truck rumbled to life. “It’ll be a terrible burden. Do you think she’ll try putting her shoes on first?”

  “She’s not the brightest crayon in the box sometimes. Could happen if you keep her shoes out. She’s a bit single-minded once she’s off to avoid a whooping.”

  “She’s not at any risk of a whooping from me.”

  Joe snickered. “Cheetah, Aaron. We like it rough. But, you’ll know when she wants a whooping from you.”

  While he provided way too much information for my comfort, I filed his comment away as a warning. Then again, maybe I was more of a cheetah than I cared to think about. If Sassy wanted to get rough with me, I’d probably enjoy it. “Good to know.”

  “It’s considered polite to ignore nudity unless you’re admiring your mate or a coalition partner. Since you’ll never have a coalition partner, you can admire Sassy all you want. Just keep public displays of affection to a minimum. We try not to overly offend the uninfected.”

  By uninfected, I assumed he meant people like my parents, who viewed lycanthropes as a direct violation of their religion’s tenets. They welcomed headless angels with open arms, but everything else went onto their list of prejudices.

  It amazed me my parents had let Sassy into their home. That my mother had warmed up to her enough to start dropping hints at grandchildren astonished me.

  “That’s not what Sassy tells me about her dates,” I muttered.

  “Sassy’s an idiot and goes to lycanthrope-friendly bars and restaurants. We’re more relaxed. She’s also exaggerating some. Well, a lot. Kinda. I mean, her dates are totally guilty of kissing each other and ignoring her. That part’s unfortunately true. It’s her fault, though. She informs the various coalitions when she’s taking one of their men out on a date. They show up. If she wanted to steal a coalition cheetah, she’d be stealthier about it.”

  One day, I would understand Sassy. I’d probably be a candidate for admission to a mental institute, but one day, I would understand her. “How bad is she exaggerating, do you think?”

  “Only as much as needed to get your attention and escape from a date she didn’t want to be on in the first place. We’re promiscuous, Aaron. We’re one of the few lycanthropy species that’ll screw anything that moves until a determined cheetah female comes around. And since most cheetah males have no interest in human females, well, it’s a vicious cycle. Sassy’s been locked onto you for years. Mom’s getting impatient, but it takes time for a female to decide to stake her claim. All this is doing is speeding up the process. Since Dad’s a mated, breeding male, his virus is already wired to be interested in a singular female, in this case, Sassy. We speculate because you’re inheriting so much of Dad’s virus, you’ll have no interest in the coalitions. The instinct to join a coalition takes time to develop, and it happens because of the low number of eligible females. Since there’s an eligible female already interested in you, you’re going to fixate on her. It’s already happening. You wrapped yourself around her the instant you clocked out for the night. Dad invades Mom’s space all the time. He’s wired to protect her.”

  I scratched the back of my neck, but since Joe had already poked around my head, I saw no need to hide anything from him. “To be fair, I’m an unrepentant pillow hugger.”

  “Well, your pillow is now much warmer and furrier, and if you’re anything like Dad, you’re going to develop severe separation anxiety if you’re away from her for more than a few hours. This is fairly unexplored territory, as there are so few unmated breeding females. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I’m of the opinion you’re one of the few acceptable options around here for my sister.” Joe checked out the window. “Good. She’s gone. Time for you to get a transfusion. Dad’s virus is spiked to the high heavens this morning, so it’s an ideal time to boost your incubating virus. I’ve never had a chance to seriously attempt inducing early onset maturing of the lycanthropy virus before. I accessed the CDC’s files last night after you went to bed; you check every last box on what they think is required for it to happen. I went ahead and called in the possibility, informed them of the medical malpractice suit I’ll be filing on your behalf due to the severe internal bleeding, and got an authorization to use Dad as a legal donor. You’ll have to sign some papers, but you’re cleared, and they’ll make an exception for your license with a few conditions, especially since you’re being courted by local law enforcement. They jumped on the non-hybrid test like flies on shit.”

  Of course they had. “How much earlier? The virus typically takes decades to mature, correct?”

  “Up to forty years in some. It’s considered a new lease on life; once the virus matures and shifting happens, aging is often somewhat reversed or halted. It’s a case by case scenario. In your case, aging will halt. I’ve got a high sensitivity scanner on route, but it and its technician will be a few days getting here. Ideally, Dad’s spiking virus is going to replicate in your body, finish healing the damage from the crash, and take root. If we get lucky, we could see matured virus levels within twenty-four hours.”

  “That soon? And by matured, you mean I might sprout a fur coat?”

  “That’s exactly what I mean. You’re to behave like you’re contagious until we can get the high sensitivity scanner over for a better look at your virus levels.”

  “All right. What should I do to keep from passing the virus on to someone else?”

  “Stick your tongue only down Sassy’s throat, only take Sassy to bed, and don’t bleed on anyone. Kissing won’t actually spread the virus, but I’m siding with my sister on this one. She’s hopeless, and she needs to get some action and land you already. You have one job to do. Don’t mess it up. I’ve heard this lecture enough times from Mom that I’m going to spare you from hearing it from my mother. Cheetah ladies do not want an overly considerate male in bed. Sassy’s going to be a handful, and all you’re going to do is frustrate her if you take the overly gentle route with her. I’m sparing you the descriptions of what my mother likes. You’re welcome.”

  “Anything else I don’t want to know but you’re going to tell me anyway?”

  “Some details about the downsides of early onset lycanthropy. The CDC’s file had a lot of information, and I have concerns.”

  I considered crawling under the blanket and covering my head with Sassy’s pillow. “When a military surgeon tells me he has concerns, I worry.”

  “That’s because you’re a chronic worrier.”

  “While true, could you not? I’m already dealing with potentially bleeding to death from internal injuries.”

  “You’re not potentially bleeding to death anymore.”

  “Anymore.”

  “Valid point, but you’ll be fine. Should I warn my sister you’re a whiner?”

  I laughed. “I’m pretty sure she already knows.”

  “All right. The downsides are going to be pretty uncomfortable for you. My theory is the virus slowly adapts the host to shapeshifting, taking a long time to mature so the first shift isn’t traumatic. You won’t have that luxury. I suspect when you go through your first shift, it’s going to be brutally painful, and you’ll be trapped as a cheetah for a few days. You’ll also be easily confused, potentially delirious, and prone to succumbing to a cheetah’s base instincts. There’s no gradual adaptation. You’re going to be sick as a cheetah, and when you shift back to human for the first time, you’re going to get sicker. You’re going to be so sick you’d rather participate in another crash.” Joe shrugged. “It’s not
going to be fun for you, and you’ll likely require sedation. Worse, Sassy is going to freak out. If you haven’t mated properly before your first shift, her virus is going to spike, it’s going to spike hard, and she’ll be driven to claim you. While you’re ill. It’s going to get ugly.”

  “Well, that explains the whole protective brother trying to talk me into sleeping with his sister thing.”

  “Yeah, that’s not exactly the most comfortable thing I’ve done in my life. This is one of the more unique situations I’ve been in. I’m just glad I figured out you were it for my sister a long time ago, else I’d be even more uncomfortable than I already am.”

  “I’m so relieved I’m not the only one who finds this conversation disturbing.”

  Joe sat on the edge of the bed. “Sassy will be a problem. You’ll need to be prepared. Once you shift, she’s going to smell your pain and the spiking virus, and she’ll be prone to panicking. We’ve already seen how badly she’s panicked as a result of the crash. Her virus is going to spike, and her only concern will be protecting you.”

  Laughing, I shook my head. “I’m her property at this point, aren’t I?”

  “You figured that out quickly.”

  “Anything else I need to know? This is survivable, right?”

  “It is. Early onset is due to the virus going into overdrive to preserve your life. After your first shift and your body finishes adapting, your virus will go into remission to recover. That’s when Sassy’s protective instincts will peak. She’ll guard you while you’re adapting. During a normal first shift, lycanthropes don’t need to recover long as their viruses are naturally robust. They’re also more stable; the slow growth of their virus gives them a chance to control their new impulses. You’re going to be a powder keg set to blow. Obviously, do everything you can to stay away from the uninfected during the adjustment period. Until your virus is convinced you are Sassy’s mate, you’ll be annoying.”

  “I’ll be annoying?”

  “So Mom claims. I think you and my sister will be too busy keeping each other company to annoy bystanders. The annoying part will be your inaccessibility. I think you’ll be fine, and I’ll be on hand to make sure your transition goes as easily as possible. You ready to be poked and prodded again?”