Cheetahs Never Win

by RJ Blain

  “We can get creative, right? There’s nothing illegal about spilling sugar on the road. We just have to leave a really good sugar trail and evict a bunch of ants. We could get every lycanthrope in the damned city to help out, too.”

  As I could see Sassy coordinating a mass relocation of insects to secure revenge on those who’d murdered Maxwell, I worried. “It’s probably not wise.”

  “Fire ants aren’t lethal. They’re just annoying as fuck. We’ll only send a few. Just enough to make the fuckers suffer while we sink them in the court of public opinion and ensure their political careers are over forever. Max was a good guy. Sure, he fucked up, but he was a good guy. A lot of people liked him. They’ll be labeled cop killers and be fucked. Fuckers.”

  “I’ll look into the legalities of fire ants, but I’m not promising any more than that. If I can find a way to do so that’s…” I blinked, then I narrowed my eyes. “Hey, Sassy?”

  “What?”

  “Do you believe in ghosts?”

  “Well, no. Not really.”

  “I read a book once that had a vigilante cop who couldn’t get the evidence he needed to sink a bastard for his crimes. A murder. So he figured out a way to get the guy to confess.”

  “I’ve read it. I was bored and you had it out at your apartment. He recorded voices that sounded like the victim and played them while he was sleeping to freak him out. The guy went mad and turned himself in, claiming he was being haunted by his victims. There’s a lot of problems with that plan, Aaron.”

  “Like what?”

  “Breaking and entering to set up the players is definitely illegal.”

  “It’s only illegal if you’re not invited. There’s some cool toys out there that can play sounds and make it difficult to hide. You know, those annoying damned beepers you set up in my apartment that one time? They’re small, hard to spot, and can make a lot of noise. If we can program something like one of those to play back voices, give them to someone who has been invited to their place, and plant them, maybe we can copycat that book.”

  Sassy turned off the shower, marched across the bathroom, and joined me in the tub. “Tell me more,” she purred. “That sounds even more evil than the fire ants. No, not just evil, useful. You could get them to confess just to make the voices stop.”

  I considered it, and then I smiled. “And I think my mother might know the absolute perfect accomplices who’d love to get involved. While it was my idea at first, she’s obviously been wanting granddaughters and has realized girls are few and far between. It’s to help cheetah lycanthropes around the world, or so she’ll say.”

  “What? Who?”

  “A succubus.”

  Sassy’s eyes widened. “A succubus? Your mother knows a succubus?”

  “From what I’ve gathered, she knows an incubus, too. I think she really wants litters of granddaughters and has been doing her research. If you’re aiming for specifics, they’re who you go to. And honestly, since the boys versus girls issue is my contribution, I’ll just pay an incubus a filthy amount of money to help increase the odds of a girl. I’m not too keen having my time with you be a group activity, either.”

  “You can do that?” Sassy gasped. “I had no idea.”

  “They’re walking, talking fertility clinics, Sassy. They live and breathe sex and reproduction. They can make barren women fertile when motivated enough. Same with infertile men. I’m pretty sure they can reverse full hysterectomies if they really want. That’s what they do. If you want ten daughters, I’ll do whatever it takes to give you ten daughters.”

  Sassy’s eyes narrowed, and she smiled. “For starters, we can let nature do whatever it is nature wants to do. I see you’re not put off by the idea of children.”

  “Sassy, you’re naked in the same bathtub with me. What were you expecting?”

  “Good point. I was thoroughly corrected about my misconceptions regarding your lack of interest. There is definitely no lack of interest. You’re very interested. This made me very happy.”

  I grinned. “You purred so much you pissed your brother off.”

  “I couldn’t help it. I was looking forward to seeing you, and I got excited, so I purred. But then we got the call.”

  “It won’t bring him back, but we’ll have to have one boy so we can name him Maxwell, then we’ll have to do the whole parenting thing right so he grows up wanting to be a cop.”

  “Not a politician?”

  I shook my head. “No. Maxwell was a lot of things, but I think he’d missed his calling all along. Sure, I liked bitching about him, but he did the cop thing well. He shined. He just got lost along the way.”

  “You got a little lost along the way, too. You’d make a better cop than a private investigator.”

  Enlightenment struck me, and I relaxed in the tub, unable to stop my smile. “No, I’d only make a better cop right now because I was a private investigator first. And maybe the reason Maxwell made such a great cop was because he was a politician first. Those who killed him won’t get away with it, that much I swear. We know who it is. We just need to ensure everyone knows what they’ve done and close off all routes of escape, even if it means we can’t dunk them in chocolate syrup and feed them to fire ants.”

  “I thought we weren’t wasting chocolate syrup on them.”

  “Chocolate syrup sounds more interesting than sugar water,” I admitted. “If we’re going to make headlines, it should be flashy.”

  “Go big or go home?”

  “Exactly.” I smiled at her. “Your father has banned eloping, and is in full plan a wedding mode. How do you feel about that as the future Mrs. Clinton?”

  “It’ll keep him busy while we look into legal methods of acquiring confessions. Tell me, Aaron. Do you believe in ghosts?”

  “As a matter of fact, future Mrs. Clinton, I most certainly do right now. But, before I worry about any ghosts, I think you need to thoroughly reassure yourself I’m intact from head to toe. Take your time. I’m a patient man.”

  “Yes, you are, and I think I’ve had my fill of being patient, Mr. Clinton,” she purred. “But I will accept your offer to thoroughly reassure myself you’re intact. From head to toe.”

  I pointed at my shoulder, which still ached despite Joe’s work. “This spot hurts. I bet you could kiss it and make it all better.”

  “Don’t worry, Mr. Clinton. I’ll get there. Eventually.”

  While I enjoyed dozing in a bubble bath with Sassy, I was less than thrilled with the invasion of her mother, who went about her business, which involved gathering up the clothes we’d left on the floor and straightening everything we’d disturbed. “Are you finished taking your time? There’s several coalitions of hungry males downstairs whining because I’m not going to serve them supper until you two are finished getting cleaned up. Sassy, what have I told you about napping in the tub?”

  “It doesn’t count when I’m sleeping on Aaron. He was awake.”

  “He was about as awake as the hordes ten minutes after Christmas dinner. If you two would like to sleep, take yourselves up to bed, and I’ll keep a plate for you.”

  “We’ll be down in a few minutes,” I promised. “Who all is downstairs?”

  “Numerous coalitions of cheetahs, representatives from every wolf pack in the city, I lost count of the felines, more police officers than I can shake a stick at, Chief Braneni, and several district attorneys from all over the damned place. Your friend Rob’s around, and I ain’t seen an unhappier man in a long time.”

  “He’s had a hard time lately,” Sassy mumbled, stretching and yawning before resting her cheek against my shoulder. “Anything important?”

  “They were itching to question Aaron, but your brother spoke up and said he’d already poked around and could answer the questions on Aaron’s behalf, so they’ll do a cross-examination as soon as you’re downstairs to compare what Joe saw versus what you thought you saw, Aaron. They’re hoping to get more information beyond what Joe’s already reported.
Those cops are really unhappy. There’s been a lot of arrests, and the local law enforcement crew is down by almost twenty percent.”

  I sucked in a breath. “That many?”

  “There’s going to be a lot of happy lycanthropes. Because of the high number of arrests that will ultimately lead to imprisonment, the CDC is pushing to have the test of the lycanthropes in the force here accelerated. You two will still be the flagship pair, but they’re going to open a special academy session a month or two after your session starts, or so Chief Braneni claims. That’s part of why we’ve got so many here today. They’re handing in the names of those interested in signing up.”

  “The chief is handling it directly? That’s odd.”

  “CDC’s orders, as they need to verify potential candidates, run virus checks, and otherwise do evaluations on suitability. The CDC really wants this to work. Too many lycanthropes, not enough lycanthropes policing them.” Sassy’s mother shrugged. “I’ll go fetch you some clothing, so start thinking about getting out of there. There’s a lot of folks wanting a chance to talk to you.”

  I waited for Sassy’s mother to leave before stretching and beginning the tedious process of working the kinks out. “We’re going to have to buy a house, and it needs a tub better than this one,” I announced.

  “I like your priorities. I also warned you we’re not body shy, right? We’re going to need really good locks on our bathroom door if we ever want privacy. I would’ve locked the door, but my mother would’ve just asked Dad to take off the damned hinges to bust in; he installed the hinges on the other side specifically so we couldn’t lock ourselves in the bathroom.”

  “Good precaution. I’ll be borrowing that.”

  “Aaron.”

  “What? It’s true. Children and unsupervised tub usage is a no-no.” I considered it. “And the bathroom door will have a proper key adults can easily access.”

  “I see you’ve been corrupted by my father already.”

  I smiled at her. “You can blame my old man for this. He may not be a lycanthrope, but he’s got hover-parent tendencies. It’s genetic, I’m sure.”

  “I just thought you should know that lycanthrope women can have children into their early hundreds from the looks of it. There are emergence women who were infected later in life still having children. I thought you’d appreciate some warning.”

  “What I’d like to know is how the CDC knows this crap when emergence wasn’t even a hundred years ago.”

  “Well, not quite. Magic has been here all along, but it floods the world in waves. We’re in the middle of the flood right now. They know because there are people who survived between the waves in the limited pockets of magic left. Add in the divines, the angels, and the demons in disguise, who’ll talk about how the world used to be if the price is right, and the CDC can learn a lot without having to have people experience it. Lycanthropes are easy. They’re always in high numbers during the waves. But it’s higher than any other wave. That’s what the rumors claim, at any rate.”

  “You believe the rumors?”

  “Yeah, I do. Mom and Dad were from the emergence, and it took their viruses a long time to mature. Mom’s thinking about having more kids down the road. She’d like another girl.”

  With a single look at Sassy, I could understand why. “If I were your father, I’d want another kid just like you, too. But your brothers are good men.”

  “She wouldn’t mind a few more boys. The house is too quiet.”

  “Is this a cheetah thing I should be worried about in a few years?”

  “Only if you don’t like children.” Sassy grinned and poked my chest. “And you can’t even try to trick me, Mr. Clinton. You adore children.”

  Only someone blind wouldn’t notice. “I’ve been thoroughly busted, I see.”

  “Not rocket science, Aaron.”

  Sassy’s mother invaded the bathroom long enough to leave clothes before excusing herself, and I sighed at the inevitable eviction from the warm water and Sassy’s intimate company. “They’re going to invade in packs if we don’t go downstairs.”

  “They really will. Still, I’m sorry, Aaron.”

  “For what?”

  “My father infected you.”

  I smiled and stroked her back. “Sassy, I came over here with those damned shoes and a purse and asked him for help. I was tired of watching you be miserable, and I didn’t want you to have to go back on your word, so I was going to take all the risks and go back on mine. The shoes were hoping you’d forgive me. Don’t be sorry.”

  “He punched you in the mouth.”

  I pointed at my teeth, which had emerged better than before he’d cleaned my clock and knocked a few out. “And they’re just fine now. Dental surgery can work miracles with a little help from magic. And I didn’t even have a big bill. It worked out. If I’d known all it would take is your father socking me in the mouth to win you, I would’ve been presenting myself every morning for my daily beating. By the time I visited your father, I was scheduling my life around when I needed to rescue you from bad dates. I was getting desperate, and I wouldn’t ask you to budge on your conditions for who you’d date. And you were right to do so. Lycanthropy isn’t a virus to screw around with. I had to want you bad enough to fully accept it. And I did then, and I still do.”

  “We would’ve been spared a lot of anguish if I’d just bent,” she whispered.

  I smiled and held her close. “No, Sassy. There’s a lot to be said about the journey being just as important as the destination. Let’s make the most of it, and when we get around to having litters of brats of our own, we’ll leave them with our parents as often as possible so they hopefully neglect to have additional children of their own because I’m not sure I’m quite ready to handle that yet.”

  Sassy snickered, splashed me with water, and pulled the stopper from the tub. “You’re something else, Aaron.”

  “I try.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chaos waited for us downstairs, but for whatever reason, the hordes descended on Sassy first, leaving me time to reclaim my spot on the couch and start doing some investigation work for tempting but probably illegal behavior. To my amusement, while it was illegal to transport fire ants and other pest species by vehicle, nothing on the books stated they couldn’t be evicted from their established nests with reasonable force, which included magic. There were also no laws on the books banning the clever usage of sugar water or other non-regulated substances to encourage pest species to move. There were some curious bylaws banning the spraying of chemicals into yards, but none of them barred non-toxic substances from being sprayed from the sidewalk.

  At some point in time, someone must have decided to turn a house into a chocolate sundae as there were laws banning the use of whipped cream and chocolate syrup on someone’s yard without express permission of the homeowner.

  Texans. I could always trust them to try anything once.

  To my delight, nothing on the books barred me from mixing sugar water and using them to attract an assortment of critters. There was even a law allowing people to install hummingbird feeders on city property if they met certain requirements. I’d have to check if Tom Heatherow’s property had a sidewalk skirting it or a city-owned tree. If there was a city-owned tree skirting his yard, Sassy’s hope of using fire ants could be realized with a little work on my part.

  However childish, I thought Maxwell would appreciate the effort we’d put in on his behalf. He’d had an odd sense of humor about things like that.

  In theory, with a lot of work and finding nests needing to be moved, I could lead innumerable fire ants to Tom Heatherow’s home and encourage them to take up residence in his yard without worry of criminal charges.

  Luck would dictate if they took offense to his presence, but I’d take what I could get.

  “Aaron?” Sassy asked.

  I lifted my head. “Yes?”

  “I don’t think we’re going to be able to use chocolate syrup or fire an
ts.”

  “We can’t use chocolate syrup or whipped cream on private property without homeowner approval, but there’s no bylaws barring it from public spaces as long as it’s accidental. There are no laws in place against sugar water. There are laws against transporting invasive or nuisance species by vehicle without permit, but there are no laws barring their relocation through natural means. It’s completely legal to create a trail of sugar water along a road and encourage them to move into someone’s yard. In other news, there are no laws barring the use of magic to encourage pests to relocate away from someone’s property, but the homeowner must approve the removal of the pests. Fire ants are classified as a pest. And no, we can’t ship in bullet ants for the purpose of leading them to an asshole’s house.”

  Every cop in the room, including Chief Braneni, stared at me. I held up my hands in surrender and couldn’t smother my grin. “I’m an asshole, ladies and gentlemen. I’m an asshole who has been a private investigator for years, and I use the laws for my convenience during investigations. It’s not my fault there are no laws on the books barring these things. I just figure if we need a confession to catch these bastards, a heavy dose of karma, and the appearance of a curse might help get the confessions we need. Tell me, do you believe in ghosts?”

  I truly did love the sound of silence.

  Chief Braneni’s eyes narrowed, and he crossed his arms over his chest. “I’d love to hear why you want to know if we believe in ghosts.”

  “I’m a fan of clever ways of getting confessions out of people. Legal ways,” I clarified. “I’m also stealing from a novel. Essentially, the investigators needed a confession, so he put together a profile on all the victims and created sound files played during the perp’s sleep to make him believe the ghosts of his victims were haunting him. I thought we might do something similar.”

  “If it’s legal, I don’t care what you do if we catch these bastards. We’re getting confessions aplenty from some elements of this group. It helps that the law allows us to call in angels for the questioning sessions. The angels… are rather cooperative.”