Omnimage

by Simon Archer

  “In many ways, your position is greater than my own, Delilah,” the princess explained as she looked back up to speak. “The relationship between me and Jeremiah, while free to our interpretation as we express it, has been designed and implemented with a politically accented goal in mind. Goblin marriages are often put together in goblin tribes simply because it helps strengthen families by creating ties between them. Entirely new tribes have been built on such relationships, and two tribes can become one with just one marital tie between them at first. There is a lot of cultural influence within a marriage, as it represents a unification of two families and two supplies of resources and goblinpower.”

  She gestured with reverence to Delilah. “However, as a concubine, you and Jeremiah have a more informal connection, one not based in obligation and ancestry, but in mutual bonds of trust and fondness for each other. There is not a goal of unifying two families, but only in having individuals who love each other enough to want to spend their lives together of their own accord. If a concubine’s family is threatened, the other family is not obligated to intervene, but the concubine is always considered family for as long as they are with their patron and their family. There is also an implicit favoritism of the concubine over the wives of any household simply because the concubines are chosen for themselves rather than their ties to their families.”

  “Oh, okay,” I said, wrapping my head around the idea, “so, according to goblin tradition, Hikki and I are in an alliance, which is more official, with more legal power on the surface, but also more legal commitments attached to it. On the other hand, the relationship between Delilah and me isn’t as official but is done out of a desire for the people to be together, and therefore more socially weighted. Both unions are recognized as legitimate bonds by goblins, even with the differing levels of legal institution involved, and they hold different purposes, one for the tribe and the family, and one for the individuals themselves acting independently.”

  “Fine,” Delilah relented. “Can we come up with a different word than ‘concubine,’ then? I don’t want to be a concubine. Even if I am one by technicality, I haven’t gotten to make the most of it. We’ve only had fun once so far.”

  “That ‘one time’ lasted almost half a day.” I pointed out.

  “I still only count it as one, no matter how good it was.” The revenant crossed her arms, deliberately drawing my attention to her chest. “And because it was so good, I’m feeling a bit cheated that I haven’t had another one since. I was just about to get another one, like I so richly deserve, when that stupid yeti showed up. Gods, you had me so damn hot and bothered, and now we haven’t had a second to make up for it since.”

  “Once the festival is over, we’re basically done with everything,” I told her, “so we head out right afterward, and then we can do something a bit… hotter… and more bothersome.”

  “I’m holding you to that.” Delilah walked up to me and held herself against my chest for just long enough for me to think about ditching my own wedding party. Once she’d noticed the physiological response to her wiles, despite the layers of this groom’s buckskin outfit, she broke away and walked off. “I’m going over to where the ale is. I won’t be needing to know the language to find that. A few drinks in, and we’ll all be speaking the same language soon enough. These goblins won’t know what hit them!”

  “Come here!” Hikki grabbed my arm as Delilah left. “The Dance of the Union is about to start, and this is the first time I can participate in it!” My bride was growing impatient at my slow pace. “Come on, come on, come on! The Dance is almost here!”

  “Do I have to--?” was all I got out before I was dragged through the crowds of goblins to the big fire built in a large open space at the ground floor of the grand tomb chamber.

  Apparently there was a wedding tradition that the married women of the tribe would perform dances for their husbands, ending with me and my own bride. As all of the girls had gotten out to do their dances, I found myself focusing on the fire to distract myself. Sure, I was ‘missing out on the cultural experience,’ but the other goblin women were noticeably… goblinesque, and their dance move reflected the proper utilization of their rather round and pear-shaped bodies.

  The goblin men and hobgoblins were having a great time about it, whooping and hollering like we were at a strip club. I focused on the fire, and on repressing the memories I’d just acquired.

  Then, it came time for Hikki to dance, and all the other goblin girls backed away. Given the circumstances, Hikki should have been a lot more nervous about all of these eyes looking at her as she began to dance. But she didn’t seem intimidated in the slightest. Her eyes locked on me, and mine on her.

  If I had been looking around, I probably would have seen that the other goblins might have thought that the dance from the ‘strange-looking’ princess was a bit of an odd spectacle, but I wasn’t paying a lick of attention to them. I was just watching Hikki move her hips like they had a mind and soul of their own. All the feathers of her dress flickered about like a rippling tide of chromatic pulses. She was hypnotic. Someone could have stolen the teeth out of my mouth with a pair of pliers, and I wouldn’t have noticed.

  She drew closer to me, or I was drawing closer to her, either way, and she came to my lap, stopping herself with barely a breath away from me. Soon afterward, the festivities had restarted into an uproar, as if nothing had happened, and Hikki and I were left to sit and stew in the tension that the talented girl had weaved into the moment.

  “How long have you been practicing that?” I managed to ask as I cracked the hypnosis to speak. “A couple years, at least? Did your father make you take lessons? He got his money’s worth, in my book. Your work really paid off.”

  “I, um, had no practice before this.” Hikki blushed. “I was improvising all of those moves as the dance went on. I do not know how I did all of that.”

  “What? No!” I brushed off her lies with a wave of my hand. “There is no way you made that up just now. I refuse to accept your fibs. That kind of coordination takes practice and focus I may never achieve in a lifetime of ballet classes. How did you know to move like that?”

  “If you must know,” her green cheeks turned a rosy red, “I was following your cues. The more intensely you looked at me, the more I felt that I was doing well, so I continued with that. There was no preparation beforehand.”

  “Could have fooled me,” I said. “It all looked so natural. Very captivating. I’m still having a hard time believing that was all made up on the spot.”

  “Yes, it was!” Hikki feigned offense, “I was moving how it seemed would please you. You had said that you liked my hips, so I decided to use them in the dance. You did not take your eyes off them or me, so I stayed true to that instinct.”

  “Good instinct.” I looked down at her thighs. Her petite size made them look all the thicker. “You are an absolute natural at that. Though, I’m more impressed with how well you handled the pressure of dancing in front of everyone.”

  “I admit, I was very nervous at first.” She looked down at her twiddling thumbs. “But then, I looked at you, seeing the way you looked at me, and then it all melted away. It was like you were the only person that I had to perform for. And somehow I knew that you were going to like my dance, no matter what I did. You did like my dance, right?”

  I gave her a kiss on the lips.

  “Does that answer your question?”

  “I do not know.” The coy goblin girl tried not to smile. “It was a little confusing, and I was not paying much attention. Perhaps I will have to see it again to make sure I understand more earnestly. Just once more.”

  “I sure hope I’m not trying to convey anything too complicated.” I gave her another kiss. “I’d hate for you not to get this.”

  “Nope, still not getting it,” Hikki giggled, “Maybe if you give the explanation more time. Take it slowly. Make your explanation longer, and fuller.”

  “Hopefully not too long,�
� I said, giving her another quick peck. “we’ll miss out on our own wedding party.”

  I gave her a longer kiss this time.

  “Again.” Hikki put a hand to my face. “Please. Again.”

  “Only since you asked so nicely.”

  This time, I held onto her a bit more closely, letting us melt into the moment for a little while as we kissed again. As the moment began to fade, I found myself wondering if this would satisfy her when I eventually pulled away.

  “I know you said that you were going to be with your concubine immediately after the feast,” Hikki began her nervous inquiry, “and I know this is overstepping my place with this request, but maybe, since the feast is not quite over yet, maybe you could explain it to me again? We could… go back to the longhouse? Just for a little bit, I promise. Please?”

  “If we can get there without anyone noticing we’re gone.” I looked through the crowd for any possible exit strategies. “It might just barely be possible, but we’ll have to be quick before--”

  “Smoothskin!” I heard a drunk voice call out, probably referring to me. “You’re shit out of luck, you baby-skinned knife-ear! The tombs are calling your name! What was that again? Whatever, we’ll just write ‘Smoothskin Bitch’ on your tombstone! Hahaha!”

  Looking out, I found the source of the sloppy threats to be a hobgoblin with a half-full pint in his hand, spilling more and more ale as he threw his hands around with his words. He was accompanied by two other hobgoblins, nearly identical in demeanor, sobriety, and body-type, and the group walked in swerves as they came up to us. I could smell the fresh scent of alcohol coming off of them from several feet away, only getting stronger as they got closer.

  “Hikki, could you give us a moment?” I asked her. “We’ll have to pick up our discussion and ‘explanations’ later, but I promise we’ll get to it right after I finish with these gentlemen.”

  She gave the hobgoblins a deathly glare before getting up and walking away, though I noticed that she hadn’t gone very far. With a few careful steps, she’d turned a corner and dropped down, peeking from behind a scaffolding beam to hear my conversation with the inebriated gentlemen.

  “What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?”

  “Your pale ass isn’t getting kicked is what’s wrong, what’s the problem, smoothskin,” the second of the Three Stein Stooges answered. “I’ve half a mind to put half my foot right up half your ass right here and now if there weren’t half of two of you here moving here around here right here. Stay still, would you?”

  “Do you want to fight me now?” I stood myself up, popping my neck. “It will not end well for you. It wouldn’t have ended well for you sober, either. All-around bad plan. But it is my wedding, and I deserve to have fun.”

  I didn’t bother to check their stat screens. If they weren’t stronger than the hunterguards from before, they were going to be barely a warm-up for a real fight.

  “Hey, what are, what are you, since when are, why the hostility, Pale-Sack?” the third of the three berated my ‘aggressive’ behavior. “You’re giving off some nasty smoothskin energy, good sir Successor. We will have our time, don’t you worry. Oh, what a time we will have with my foot up your ass.”

  “Yeah, if he stays the good sir successor sorcerer saucer sir,” the first one laughed while attempting to get more ale in his mouth, stopped by the natural defense against alcohol poisoning that was horrible hand-eye coordination, “I say he doesn’t make it through two. First is a fluke, second is a juke. I’mma puke.”

  “He killed Gojobo, puke-stain,” the second one came to my defense, “do you think that’s just something that happens? That’s not, that doesn’t just, that’s not, that doesn’t just, that’s hard stuff. Gojobo was hard stuff.”

  “Gojobo can kiss my swampy ass!” The first one collapsed on the ground, unconscious.

  “I’m missing something crucial here to understand just about anything going on right now.” I found it uncomfortable that I was the most confused among two drunk morons. “Did someone send you to tell me to fight? Why not just come here himself if they want to get beat down like a dog? Who wants to fight me? Did someone challenge me?”

  “Only every green-sacked goblin in the tribe and their mother,” the second goblin, now promoted to leader of the group, informed me. “Don’t you know what’s happening, what’s happening, what’s going on, what you’re doing, stupid? Let me explain, let me tell you, let me learn you a little something slowly and nice and slow. You’re going to fight some people and probably get your ass kicked to you on a silver platter. It’s part of the groom’s right of rite of write of passage. In order to prove that you’re worthy of marrying a daughter, the daughter’s father can have the daughter’s groom be challenged by anyone willing to come into the ring. Chief made it a first-come-first-serve arena match just for you, so you’re going to have the time of your life. The rest of your life, that is. Ha! We’re going to kill you.”

  Oh, joy. As the groom, another tradition I had to participate in was facing off against a gauntlet of hobgoblin fighters, all of which was supposed to test my mettle as a worthy addition to the tribe and a worthy groom to the bride. Not only that, but Gak’Nak, my father-in-law, was the one who let all of these combatants in, and he’s having me fight nearly all the men in the tribe. I thought I’d already won the right to her hand by the Rite of War Blood.

  So much for ‘no hard feelings about the murder.’ Figured. Tribal politics, I swear.

  “Lead the way, if you can.” I offered for them to step in front of me. “Or just point me in the right direction.”

  They slapped their faces in salutes, then strained in attempting to orient themselves in the right direction. Both tried to turn themselves around but hadn’t made a quarter of a turn before collapsing on the ground.

  “Who put the ground on my face?” the third one said, clawing at his hated enemy of stonework and losing. “Once I beat the shit out of this ground here, you’re next.”

  “I’ll just find my own way, then.” I said, stepping over them as I moved toward where the crowds seemed to be gathering. “Good luck fighting the whole planet.”

  As I did so, I found that the crowds had, indeed, gathered around what seemed to be a newly constructed platform of wooden beams, singled out and separate from any of the others. It was much more ragged and makeshift than the others, a clear sign of a temporary set up. It was just one square, with wooden borders around it, and a couple of hobgoblins were inside of it, wrestling each other to the ground. Other goblins were drunkenly throwing things into the ring, like money, food, spilled ale, and the like.

  My Sherlockian senses were telling me that this square shaped area acting as a battleground was going to be where I fought all my opponents for Hikki’s hand in marriage. Was she even worth this trouble? I looked back to her, who had followed me while still trying to hide herself from everyone else, in her rainbow dress, and her short size but wide hips, and her beautiful, toothy smile. Yeah, she was.

  With a pop of the spine, I approached the arena, looking for a way up top so we could get this battle royale over with. I was going to kick as many asses as it took to keep Hikki if it killed me. Or them. Whichever came first. Probably them.

  Definitely them, if they pushed me to it.

  “And here he is!” Gak’Nak, standing on a platform far above the arena, announced my arrival as I climbed up into the ring. “The groom himself! The smoothskin you’ve all been waiting to dig your fists into! This is going to be a wedding to remember, my people. You wanted to see the new smoothskin member of our tribe prove himself to us? Now’s your chance to see the smoothskin in action! Come one, come all, to the greatest event in our tribe’s history! Every goblin who wants a piece of this can get a fight in while the smoothskin is still standing! Will this smoothskin be the next in line to be our new chief, or will he fall down into the dirt, and join all of these lovely corpses around us? You can put a stop to this breach in tradition now, or you
can chicken out like a bunch of babes.”

  The crowd roared in excitement, now completely ignoring the two hobgoblins that were still wrestling each other in the ring. As they sloppily still tried to mangle each other, I decided to give these people a show. Having not really tested out my strength, I was going to see how heavy these hobgoblins really felt to me. Approaching the bundle of limbs and bodies, I grabbed onto the loincloth of one of them, lifting the two of them into the air.

  Damn, they were lighter than I thought. It wasn’t like they were feathers, but they weren’t the heaving masses of animal flesh I was expecting. It was more like lifting up two big bean-bag chairs that moved. Both were about my own size, and fairly muscled, as all hobgoblins so far had been. It wasn’t as if I was lifting up two little kids right now. They were full grown hobgoblin men. On Earth, I would have struggled to lug around one toddler with half as much grace.

  That was some fast muscle growth. I was like one of those spam ads for fancy pills for weight loss diets. ‘Work-out specialists hate me! Learn my secret to quick muscle growth in just twenty-four hours! It’s literally magic!’ Except I wasn’t photoshopped. All natural, baby. Besides the magic part.

  The hobgoblins hadn’t quite fought back against my manhandling as much as they probably should have, either. They were like two starfish, just randomly grabbing at whatever was in front of them, which was each other at the moment. When goblins drank, they drank hard and fast, it seemed. With a quick toss, I threw both of them over the side of the ring and onto the ground below, officially racking up two victories right away.

  Suck it, drunk goblin from before who doubted me! I should have bet something on this fight. I might have walked away with the goblin equivalent of millions. Not that anyone could have picked the guy who thought I’d fail out from this crowd of party goblin people to pay up. Damn, everyone was hammered as a nail in a board.

  “Ho ho!” Gak’Nak laughed through his shout. “The groom’s all too eager to strut his stuff today! Maybe he’s got what it takes to be a goblin, yet! That’s two victories for him already! Who’s going to make him work for the rest, huh? Who’s going to take on the mysterious and powerful smoothskin for the chiefdom?”