by Lina Langley
That had been a while ago, but every morning, he thought about it without fail. He couldn’t stop himself. He knew Rocky didn’t want him to think about it, he could understand it, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually do anything.
Not after all the media requests. Not after everything that everyone wanted from him. He could hardly leave the guest house, he could hardly even look at his father.
He understood that he wasn’t making things easier for Rocky when he did that. Rocky was on paid leave—but he might as well have quit his job. He was doing nothing, and the only reason he was even allowed to stay in the house behind the mansion was likely because Sean wanted him there and he wasn’t going anywhere else.
His father was indulging him. He understood that. It didn’t make things better, but he supposed it made things easier, which was something, small as it was.
He shook his head and turned around to look at Rocky. He needed to get out of his head. “What about you?”
Rocky licked his lips. “The hearing is today,” he said. “It’s just a—”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sean asked, sounding more indignant than he had expected.
“Because you have enough to worry about,” Rocky said. He patted him on the back softly. Sean hated that, he hated when Rocky treated him like a kid. “I knew you were going to want to come with me.”
“Yeah,” he said. “And you were right. I should be going with you.”
Rocky sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Sean could tell that he was stressing him out, but he didn’t care. He had to be there. “That’s not necessary,” he said. “It’s just a deposition, not a trial.”
“Don’t you need witnesses?”
“No,” Rocky replied. “They’re literally just there to take a statement. I’ll wear a suit, they’ll record me. Then some bored, underpaid legal secretary will transcribe it all. That’s it.”
“The government could still indict you for treason,” Sean said, remembering what the pundits had said on television after he’d come home. They always played that video captured by the news van no one had seen, of Rocky carrying Sean out of the mansion, literally carrying him across the threshold as his head lolled back and Special Agent Rocky Knight stood tall with Sean in his arms.
Of course, most of the country had called him a hero, but there were enough tabloid writers that had speculated they were in a relationship that it seemed to be accepted as fact. Sean didn’t particularly mind, but he understood that it muddied the waters, and he wanted to make sure that Rocky got his job back. Because nothing seemed to be more important to him than his job.
Sean supposed that he was more important, but that didn’t help. He didn’t want Knight to have sacrificed everything for him, and that was exactly what he had done. Sean couldn’t help but feel guilty.
He was more than partially responsible for all of it. He had been the one who had gone down for candy, and then he had been the one to get kidnapped. Knight was technically on the job. Sean knew they shouldn’t have slept together, but he had wanted it so much, and he had only cared about what he wanted.
Though he knew Knight had wanted it too. He wanted it bad. There was a part of Sean that knew that, but even with that in the back of his head, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He couldn’t help but feel like it had all been his fault.
He walked around the bed so that he was closer to Rocky and put his arms around his waist. Rocky looked down at him, his brow furrowed. Sean tilted his neck up so he was looking right at him. “Listen,” he said. “You know that I should be there.”
Knight sighed. He grabbed Sean’s hands and pried them away from him. “No,” he said. “You can’t. This is just going to invite more scrutiny toward you.”
“I don’t care about that,” Sean replied. “They can take a closer look at me if that’s what they need to do. I don’t give a fuck.”
Knight looked at him, his eyes shimmering. If Sean didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought that he was feeling sorry for him. He looked away. “I can’t do this, Rocky,” he said. “I can’t watch you go in there and have to take responsibility for something that is my fault.”
Rocky furrowed his brow, then put his finger under his chin and tilted his face up. “Listen to me,” he said. “None of this is your fault.”
“It feels like my fault.”
“This is going to be a closed deposition. You might not even be allowed to be there by the lawyers,” he said.
“Then I’ll sit outside. I’ll wait for you.”
Rocky moved away from him. “I’m not going to be able to talk you out of this, am I?”
“No,” Sean said. “You won’t.”
Rocky sighed deeply, his shoulders moving up and down. “Then I guess we’re both going to have to get ready.”
***
Maybe for the first time he had ever known Special Agent Rocky Knight, he was sure that he was nervous. He kept shifting his weight, his hands were on his lap, his fingers interlaced and twiddling. He kept tightening his jaw and Sean wasn’t sure when the last time he blinked was. There was something in him that Sean wasn’t sure he had seen before, and part of him was a little scared by Knight’s demeanor.
He was also somewhat certain that Rocky didn’t want him there. But he needed him, Sean was sure of it. He wanted to reach out and grab Rocky’s hand, but Rocky had insisted that they were discreet. Sean wasn’t sure for whose sake it was, but he was going to do whatever Rocky wanted to do.
The lawyers all smelled like expensive colognes and perfumes and talcum powder. He knew a few of them—he remembered partying with a couple of the more junior members a while ago, and the senior ones, he had grown up around.
The knot in his stomach tightened as he realized that all these people were people he knew and they were the ones in charge of Rocky Knight’s future. They looked like they were all smiles toward Sean, but once they sat down in front of Rocky, Sean couldn’t help but notice that the tone changed considerably.
They all stared at him, like they were angry. Sean wanted to defend him. He felt the need to vocally defend him.
But this wasn’t the right time. A deposition was a deposition, and he was only there to be his support. He wasn’t supposed to be getting in the way of anything.
He inched his chair closer to Rocky’s own, caring very little about how it looked. He noticed that a couple of lawyers gave him dirty looks, but he wasn’t going to stop doing what he was doing. It wasn’t as if the court reporter was going to write about how close they were to each other.
“Agent Knight,” the lawyer across from him started. “Do you consent to having Mr. Connor here?”
“I am an interested party,” Sean said, remember the one pre-law class he’d taken. “It is in my interest to be here.”
The lawyer clearly had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “If Agent Knight allows it, I suppose we could make an exception for you,” he said. “But you must remain quiet at all times.”
“I will,” Connor said.
“Very well,” the lawyer replied. He introduced himself, then everyone else in the office, probably for the reporter’s benefit. Once he was done with that, he set his gaze on Knight, completely ignoring Sean.
Sean knew the answers to the first few questions. They were all about dates and times, and Sean knew exactly where and what had happened, but he could still see Knight’s jaw tightening every time he had to speak about where they were, about what they were doing before Sean had gone missing.
They always talked about it like that, as if Sean had disappeared from thin air and he wasn’t, at all, kidnapped by a jealous ex who had a few strange ideas.
The trial, as far as he was concerned, should have been focused on Logan Tattleborough.
But no. There was Knight, answering questions, as if he was guilty of anything. All Rocky had done was save him and Sean couldn’t be more grateful.
“So, Agent Knight, when you realized that Mr. Connor was
gone, what did you do?”
“I decided to find him,” Knight said, straightening up as he did.
“And you decided not to call on any of your considerable resources when you did so?”
Knight stared at the lawyer. The man was a little older than Rocky, but only a little. His hair was shaved closed to his head and his eyes were brown, almost black, and right then, they were icy slits.
“I thought about it,” Rocky said. “But I was worried it would delay things.”
“And it wasn’t about how the circumstances would look?”
Rocky closed his eyes. He looked pained. “No,” he said. “All that I cared about was getting Sean out of there.”
“Agent Knight,” the lawyer said. “Wasn’t the best way to extract the subject through the many protocols set up for exactly this type of situation?”
Rocky looked away from him and took a deep breath. His hand dropped to his side. Sean took the opportunity to grab it, under the table, out of view of everyone else, and gave it a quick squeeze. Rocky seemed to soften at that, but he moved his hand away from Sean’s all the same.
“Yes,” he said. “But I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“And was the reason you weren’t thinking clearly because of your… relationship with the subject?”
“Yes,” Rocky said, after a few seconds. “It was because I’m in love with him.”
CHAPTER TEN
Rocky really wished that Sean hadn’t insisted on going with him. He knew he was going to have to be honest in his deposition and he had felt the air sucked out of the room the moment he had declared his love.
Of course, technically, Sean knew that. Rocky Knight had never said it to him, not since he’d gotten him out of the terrible situation he had found him in, because he didn’t want Sean to think he was saying it only to make him feel better.
Every time he was about to say it, he felt anger burning inside of him. It had been his love that almost got Sean killed, and he couldn’t allow his feelings to get in the way of Sean Connor’s safety. Never again.
They were driving back to the Connor mansion, in silence. Sean hadn’t even turned the radio on or plugged his phone into the AUX cord to listen to music Rocky had never heard of.
The only sounds were coming from traffic.
Sean turned his face to look at him. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out.
Rocky sighed. “Sean, before you say anything, we need to talk,” he said. His voice was wavering when he spoke. He was digging his hands into the wheel, making half-moon marks in the leather with his nails. “We—”
Sean stared at him, his eyes wide. Knight knew that Sean knew what was coming, but he still wished that he could protect him, which had been exactly the problem.
Knight had been the problem. He had been the only problem, and Sean needed to be safe.
“The president has insisted that you be escorted by another security detail,” he said, looking at his rearview mirror. A black SUV with government plates was following them closely. “It’s a good idea.”
“That’s fine, but—”
“I’m leaving the service,” Knight said after he tried, unsuccessfully, to swallow down the lump in his throat.
“What? But you’re on paid leave,” Sean said. “Once the investigation is over—”
Rocky sighed, then reached out and stroked the back of Sean’s hand, grabbing a strand of head and twirling it in his fingers. “Sean,” he said. “I know that it’s in your nature to see the best in me, but I can’t go back to being an agent. I can’t ever work again in this capacity. Don’t you see how against the rules this is?”
“What do you mean?”
“We slept together,” Rocky said. “And then I lost you, and you were hurt, and you could have died. I don’t deserve to just be fired, honestly, I deserve to go to prison. I wouldn’t be surprised if they find me guilty of treason.”
“I will vouch for you,” Sean said, his voice breaking.
“My sweet, innocent boy,” he said. He didn’t care about stopping himself anymore, he didn’t care about how he spoke to Sean, because he knew that it had been real, but just like everything, it was going to have to end. “I wish that how you felt mattered more.”
“It matters to me,” Sean said.
“I know,” Rocky replied. “And it matters to me, too, but you’re not the government. You don’t get to decide if I keep my job.”
“You should get to keep your job,” Sean said quietly.
“No,” Rocky said. “I shouldn’t and you know it. So when we get back to your dad’s, I’m going to quit, I’m going to say good-bye to Ellie and—”
“Wait,” Sean said. “Wait. Does that mean you’re leaving?”
“I have to, Sean,” Knight said, putting his hand on the wheel again. “There’s no place for me here anymore.”
“That’s wrong,” Sean said, shaking his head. “You’re wrong. Your place is here, with me.”
“No,” Rocky said. “I almost got you killed. You can’t expect me to stay here.”
“You said that you loved me,” Sean said. “You can’t just dump me as if I don’t matter.”
Knight closed his eyes. He was hardened, and the tears weren’t coming. He knew they would later, when he was alone, when he was on the plane. Right then, he couldn’t cry. He couldn’t break down. Because he was sure—absolutely certain—that if Sean reached out and touched him, he was going to melt and give in, and he couldn’t do that.
For Sean’s sake. Because Sean deserved better, because Sean had to be safe.
“You do matter, Sean,” Knight said. “You’re the person that matters most in my life. That’s why this has to end.”
“You can’t do this,” Sean said. “You can’t. You’re the only thing I have that keeps me safe.”
“Don’t you see how much of a problem that is?”
“No,” Sean replied, sighing and tilting his head back. “Not at all. I want to feel safe.”
“And you should feel safe,” Rocky said. “You should be safe. But that can’t be with me.”
“I don’t understand,” he said. “I don’t understand how you can do this to me.”
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“No,” Sean replied. “No. You’re trying to run away, because you feel guilty, and I can see through your shit. I think you need to stay.”
“You’re wrong,” Knight said. “I know what I need to do, and Sean, I’m sorry—”
“You’re not sorry,” Sean said. “You are not sorry. Just shut the fuck up, okay?”
Rocky opened his mouth to protest, but he knew that Sean was right. It was probably best if he did, in fact, shut the fuck up. He knew there was no convincing Sean, but he was certain, it was better this way.
He was sorry, even if Sean couldn’t see it. Not yet.
And maybe he never would, but at least he would be okay, and really, nothing mattered more than that.
***
Sean stormed off. Knight didn’t look for him—he wanted to, but he didn’t. He knew what he needed to do, and he was more afraid than he liked to admit even to himself.
He had barely spoken to the president, even through all his years of service. He knew exactly the kind of man he was, the kind of father he was, but the man was dignified and he rarely spoke to the people that surrounded him unless he had to.
He wasn’t a snob; at least, Knight didn’t think so.
He just had tons to worry about. He had been the president of the United States for the majority of the time Knight had served him, and he had always been a respectful, kind leader, so even when Knight didn’t agree with him—and he had his own ideas about politics—he always respected him.
Especially because President Connor always made time for his son. He had been an exemplary father, even though it was clear to Knight that the gap between father and son was monumental. Even with everything else on his mind, President Connor tried his best to parent.
Much like with governing, he wasn’t always successful. But at least he tried, and that made an impact on Knight.
He had no idea how the president was going to react to his presence. They hadn’t been in a room alone—or with just another couple of agents—ever since President Connor had found out about what had happened.
Knight knew every move was coldly calculated and he understood it. He didn’t like it. That didn’t mean that he didn’t get it.
His hands were already sweating as he went into the living room. He had still not cried, and he really hoped he wouldn’t in front of the president. He couldn’t really justify doing that in front of him, considering everything that had happened. He tried his best to appear confident as he walked into the room, his back straight and his gaze scanning the living room.
Connor was sitting down on the long sectional, the cat next to him. The cat always seemed to disappear unless the president was around, Knight thought. Then he set his gaze on the president, who gestured for him to sit down.
Knight did as he was told. He sat down and set his gaze on the president. For the first time since he had met him, he realized just how strikingly similar the president and his son looked.
President Connor looked up at him, his lips a thin line. He looked tired. “How can I help you, Agent Knight?”
Knight took a deep breath. “I wanted you to hear it from me first,” he said. “Later today, I will be tendering my resignation.”
There was a flicker of something in Connor’s eyes, but Knight wasn’t sure what it was. “I see,” he said. “Is that because of the legal counsel you’ve received?”
“No, sir,” Knight said. “The lawyers never said anything about it. I just…”
He hated that he’d trailed off. He also hated how intently the president was watching him.
Knight took a deep breath before he spoke. He was looking away from the president. He knew he couldn’t look at him if he wanted to get through the next sentence. “Your son’s safety was my responsibility,” he said. “I lost sight of that.”