It's Not All Downhill From Here

by Terry McMillan

  “You’re hired,” I said.

  “You don’t think I’m too old?”

  “It’s my shop. And I’m old. And what the hell does being old have to do with anything? We’re not dead yet.”

  All eyes turned to Sadie.

  “So, I would like to acknowledge how grateful I am that you all mostly kept to yourselves what you thought you knew about my sexuality. I was afraid to admit it to myself for fear that I would be punished by the Lord, but over the past years so many people have come out, including people in the clergy, who after all are human. I know that too well after making a fool of myself with one of them. When Callie and I met at my new church, she comforted me and I allowed myself to accept her comfort, which turned into love. I have to say how happy I am to have friends like you all who have not ever given up on me. And I am proud to let you know that I am now one happily married lesbian and even though we eloped we intend to have another ceremony just for us girls. Plus, I want gifts. I am also happy to have returned to the Pasadena library system where I will oversee the reading program. I know it’s a cliché, but age ain’t nothing but a number. I’m owning it. As much as I own my love for you all.”

  We all applauded.

  “Well now, I’ve told you about my grand opening, but I am also thrilled to announce that I have sold the L.A. store to two beautiful young black college graduates. Oh. And I look forward to taking another cruise next year, but can we please go somewhere more exotic, like the Caribbean?”

  Everybody nodded.

  “So, I have to ask you all,” I said. “With so many changes happening, do you ladies still want to keep having these dinners once a month?”

  They all looked at me as if I was crazy.

  “But what if we have nothing to report?”

  “That will never happen,” Ko said.

  “These dinners give me life. This is where we know it’s okay to feel what we feel and say it without worrying about being judged,” Lucky said.

  “Well, that’s not true,” I said. “But who better than each other to judge each other?”

  Everybody nodded.

  “Poochie would agree if she was still with us,” Lucky said in a soft voice.

  “She is still with us,” Sadie said.

  And we all nodded again with a smile.

  “Okay,” I said, and clapped my hands. “I would just like to put this out here right now. I do not need or want a birthday party this year.”

  Everybody looked at one another as if they had something to tell me and were fighting over who was going to do it.

  “We decided in Vegas that we were done with celebrating your birthday,” Lucky said. “You aren’t as special as you think you are—well, maybe you were to Carl—but we all agreed that we should just have one big bash in Vegas for all our birthdays, on an agreed-upon date we’ll all vote on.”

  I was thrilled.

  With that we knew we were full. But as my besties started clearing the table, the doorbell rang. Everybody froze.

  But no one more than me.

  I looked out at the driveway and did not see a car, so it wasn’t Kwame. I couldn’t imagine who might be ringing my doorbell at nine thirty at night.

  Everybody looked at the front door. I was shocked when I saw a short Afro through the clear part of the stained glass. When I opened the door, there was my daughter, smiling, looking strong and beautiful. B. B. King and Billie Holiday rushed up behind her, wagging their tails.

  She hugged me like she hadn’t seen me in years.

  “Hi, Ma.”

  “Hi,” I said with a little trepidation.

  “Welcome home, Jalecia!” everybody behind me screamed.

  “Well, are you going to just make your daughter stand out on the front porch?” Lucky said.

  “Come on in here, baby!” Ko yelled, and just as I was reaching out to take Jalecia by the hands to gently pull her into my arms, Korynthia brushed right past me and yanked her inside.

  “You look five years younger, sweetie. Maybe I should go where you’ve been,” Lucky said and then realized maybe she’d said the wrong thing. “I take that back. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s all good. Hi, Aunties!” Jalecia said and started smiling like she hadn’t seen them in years. Everybody ran over and hugged her, and I just stood there watching the joy on my daughter’s face and I knew something good had happened to her.

  I insisted that everybody leave the dirty dishes and kitchen to me. They understood and were out the front door in less than ten minutes flat.

  I closed the door and when I turned around, Jalecia was in the kitchen looking over the mess.

  “Did they eat everything?” Jalecia asked.

  And then laughed.

  “Maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t.”

  Then we wrapped our arms around each other again, as tight as we could.

  She pressed her forehead against mine and whispered, “I’m sorry, Ma.”

  I backed away and looked her in the eyes. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Jalecia. Didn’t you learn that in there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why are you apologizing for something that isn’t your fault?”

  “How do you know that, Ma?”

  “Because I read up on mental illnesses.”

  “You did? What did you learn?”

  “That sometimes how you feel and how you think make you do things you don’t really want to do. And it’s not your fault.”

  “Were you sitting in on some of my sessions or what?”

  “Your aunt Peggy told me some things about your father, and her.”

  “Really?”

  “She told me that you didn’t drink because you liked getting drunk.”

  “Yes, I did.” And she started laughing. “What I didn’t like was not remembering what I did when I was drunk and being hungover all the time. But the worst was that I was a mean drunk. You more than anybody got the brunt of that anger, Ma.”

  “I’m not worrying about that.”

  “I know. But you didn’t deserve it. You’re a good mother and I feel very lucky you didn’t kick me to the curb. I met a lot of people there whose parents won’t have anything to do with them.”

  “Some folks do run out of patience. And I can’t lie and say you didn’t test me. But I don’t know how you give up on your own child, I don’t care how old they are.”

  “Well, I don’t know all about that. I heard some horror stories in there.”

  “So, you obviously got a lot out of going through this treatment program, then?”

  “Yes, I did, Ma. Look at me.”

  And I did.

  She looked confident. Like she had been through something and had come out on the other side.

  “I’m happy to tell you I believe you have your daughter back, and these were probably the most fruitful fifty-six days of my whole adult life.”

  I backed away and looked into her eyes. She meant what she had just said. There was a light inside them that’d been missing for years.

  “I know this might sound corny, Ma, but honestly, for years I felt like I’ve been lost at sea and I couldn’t figure out how to get back to shore. I forgot who I was before this disease, this depression, took over my mind and my heart and started robbing me of my best self. And the only way I knew how to shut it down was with eighty proof. But, of course, that didn’t work.”

  “So, do you feel like you’ve got it cured now?”

  “Depression isn’t curable, Ma. But what I learned is that it can be managed. I’ve been suffering from it for years but just didn’t know it. Now that I do, I know I don’t need to be ashamed to say I suffer from it. That, in and of itself, is a very big deal. I didn’t tell you the name of the treatment center because I didn’t want you to try to chec
k up on me, but anyway, they have the best psychiatrists and psychologists to assess you and help you understand why you feel the way you do. They give you hope and confidence, something I haven’t felt in years. We had these workshops all day that explained so much and we even had to keep a journal every night and write down our thoughts and feelings. I cried a lot. I even had to interview myself, Ma. And I asked myself some hard-ass—I’m sorry—some very hard questions that I couldn’t answer. But I’m starting to.”

  “Like what, if it’s not too personal?”

  “Like why I was so jealous of my younger brother when he hadn’t done anything to me.”

  “And what was your answer?”

  “I wanted all the attention and I thought he was stealing it.”

  “He did steal some of it, but he was the new kid on the block and he didn’t know he was robbing you of anything.”

  “I get it now, and one day in the very near future I want to apologize to him, too.”

  “Well, I’m going to Tokyo real soon and if you’d like to go with me you can tell him face-to-face.”

  “I wish I could, but I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m hoping to be able to live in sort of a safe house, where I can still get the kind of support I need and they help you find work or maybe even go back to school.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. But insurance won’t cover all of it.”

  I just gave her a look as if to say, Do you really think there’s an amount too high to help save your life?

  “Thank you, Ma.”

  “So how long would you live there?”

  “Three months is what they recommend. But I can come and go. It’s not like being in jail or a hospital.”

  “Well, it sounds healthy, so you don’t have to explain anything else. But you know what? We can FaceTime Jackson if you’re up to it.”

  “What time is it over there now?”

  “I just know it’s tomorrow. But let me think.”

  My heart was pounding because I couldn’t believe what Jalecia had just said. That she wanted to call her brother was a very good sign. I looked at the spot where I always put my phone, but it wasn’t there.

  “What are you looking for, Ma?”

  “My cellphone.”

  “Did you get my message telling you I was on my way?”

  “No! You know what? I think I left it in the car. I’ll go get it.”

  “No. I’ll go.”

  I watched her walk out the side door. It didn’t feel like she was really here and I was still looking at the door when she came back in, holding my phone in the air, and said, “It’s dead. So, there you go.”

  She handed it to me and I just set it in my lap.

  “Ma, you know what? You look good. As soon as you opened the door I could tell you’ve lost quite a few pounds. What have you been doing?”

  “Eating better. Exercising. Dancing. Swimming.”

  I really liked the sound of that after I said it, especially because it was true. I was glad she noticed.

  “Well, we ate good because each house had a chef. And we had to exercise every single day.”

  “You lived in a house?”

  She nodded.

  She was busy scrolling and clicking her cellphone and I heard her say, “It’s nine forty here and it’s one forty tomorrow afternoon there.”

  “What kind of house?”

  “A big beautiful house. I had my own room. We had a TV. It wasn’t like Jack Nicholson or Nurse Ratched, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  That would never have entered my mind until she just said it.

  “Does Jackson have a normal job or is that a stupid question, Ma?”

  “He works for a tech company. Does all of their photography.”

  “He always was creative.”

  “So were you, Jalecia. You were pretty good on the piano.”

  “So, how old are his twins?”

  “They’re almost two and a half. They speak Japanese and English, not well yet, but they can say okay and Nana and peekaboo. I’m just waiting for them to get cuter.”

  She started laughing and so did I. We weren’t laughing at the fact that the babies weren’t cute, but because we could finally laugh together.

  “What about Aiko?”

  “She’s a stay-at-home mom.”

  “Why do so many women these days want to stay home? I never wanted to do that. But there goes that negativity. Stop. If she wants to stay home with her babies, that’s her choice. And speaking of babies, I can’t wait to see my grands.”

  “They are cuties. I have babysat them from time to time and even been bitten by Handsome.”

  “I hope I get to babysit them soon.”

  “I’m sure you will. So, did anybody read what you wrote in your journal?”

  “No. Thank God. It was just meant for us to be honest with ourselves. I still like to do it, and may do it forever. In fact, I’m going to buy myself a few new journals.”

  “Let me.”

  “But you don’t know what my favorite colors are anymore?”

  “Purple. Yellow. And emerald green, if I remember correctly.”

  “Good memory, Ma. Maybe we can pick them out together. And thank you. Again.”

  “You’re welcome. Did you make any friends while you were there?”

  “I wouldn’t say I made friends. There were people who were being treated for all kinds of disorders, not just depression, and some of them were staying as long as six months. I was screened the first two weeks in order for the doctors to figure out if I might be bipolar, but I’m not. I met quite a few folks who were, though. Once I was diagnosed and prescribed the right medication, I started feeling a little better and then I was feeling a lot better. That was why I wanted to stay for that extra session, because I wanted to make sure the medication would still work. But anyway, I don’t think I want to talk about this any more tonight. I’d like to call my brother, and then could I take a hot shower and lie down? I can’t believe I’m really here. I feel so blessed.”

  This was a lot to take in, and I heard myself say: “This is all great to hear, Jalecia. But you know what, are you hungry?”

  “Yes. I’m starving.”

  “Then would you rather we call Jackson tomorrow? Or, even the day after that? Give yourself a chance to unwind. And eat?”

  “You know you might be right, Ma. I’m tired. I was nervous about seeing you, and seeing my aunties was a wonderful surprise. I think I would like to be rested and more poised when I talk to my brother. I don’t want to freak him out.”

  “I don’t think you’ll freak him out. Well, maybe a little, but in a good way. I’m feeling a little tired myself, but I’m so happy to see you. I feel like I’m re-meeting the daughter I used to know, and I like her. Love her.”

  She hugged me again. And I took out all my hidden dishes from the fridge and made her a plate. She didn’t even question what it was, but she did say, after she finished it all, that this was the kind of healthy meal they ate where she’d been.

  “I’ll do the dishes,” she said.

  “No, you won’t. Would you like some hot tea or does that make you feel like an old lady?”

  “I would love some hot tea. It’s what I’ve been drinking every night for two months, instead of vodka.”

  “And, where are your bags?”

  “Still on the front porch. I only have one. I’m traveling light.”

  As soon as B. B. King and Billie Holiday heard the front door open they struggled to get up and beelined to it.

  She brought her black duffel inside and stood there for a minute.

  “Okay to put it in my old room?”

  I just gave her a look.

  She took it in a
nd when she came out I set her tea down on the coffee table in front of the couch and she sat down. I sat in Carl’s chair. B.B. and Billie were back on their bed, heads sideways, his front leg and paw already resting on her, and their eyes were slowly closing.

  “Ma?”

  “Yes.”

  “There were people in there with me who had gone as long as twenty years before they were ever diagnosed. You have no idea how good it feels when you find out what’s been making you think in ways that you don’t want to. I am grateful to you for finding the right doctors for me, and if I hadn’t gone to that place by the ocean, I was probably going to die. I knew it. And most of the folks in there with me knew it about themselves, too.”

  I took a slow sip of my tea.

  All of a sudden B. B. King started snoring and Jalecia looked back by the kitchen door.

  “So who is B. B. King’s little friend?”

  “That’s Billie Holiday.”

  “Of course she is.”

  And then she looked at me.

  “Can I ask you something, Ma?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you still miss Carl?”

  “Of course I still miss him. But the longing for him is less, probably because I know he’s never coming back.”

  “You know, I’m going to be forty-two this year.”

  “You’re telling me like I don’t know?”

  She chuckled. “Well, I learned more about myself writing in my journal than I ever realized, and I was just wondering about you, Ma.”

  “What about me?”

  “I mean you’re sixty-nine years old, and I was just wondering what kinds of things you’ve come to realize after being alive all these years?”

  “Wow,” was all I could say. “Honestly?”

  “Honestly.”

  “Well, no one has ever asked me anything quite like this before.”

  “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I just want to know what you’ve learned. How it feels to be old. Or older. If you’ve come to any conclusions. Are you still hopeful? What do you regret? What is it you want to do with the rest of your life? Would you ever get married again? Simple stuff like that. No pressure. I’m going to get some more tea. Do you want more?”