by Anna White
“Hmm, he’s too nice to say no hey?” He laughed quietly and pulled on my hand. We jogged down the stairs and he pointed towards a tiny door that looked well hidden.
“That’s where the pool is,” he began to speak but I stopped.
“Hang on back up, there's a pool in the house?” He seemed to find my reaction amusing and he nodded.
“Yeah it’s indoor/outdoor. It’s great in the summer, c’mon I’ll show you.” He opened the door and pulled me down the basement level. I rolled my eyes. These people had more money than sense, but why? The pool room was stunning. There were windows surrounding it, it didn’t look like a basement level at all. He pointed towards the windows which were now covered in tiny water droplets from the rain outside. “They open and then outside there’s like another level of the garden.” He seemed so relaxed tonight and I smiled up at him. He looked under his lashes at me and my heart stopped. “What’s wrong?” I shook my head. There was nothing wrong. Everything was right. I looked towards the pool to my right and smiled to myself. It was so clean. He placed his hand on my cheek and I nestled into it. “We should probably go back up?” He looked at his watch on his wrist and I nodded.
“What time is it?”
“11?” I caught my yawn and felt my weight being lifted off my feet. He grinned as he picked me up and carried me up the two flights of stairs back towards his room. He placed me on his bed gently and kissed my head. The front door opened and slammed shut. My eyes widened as he smirked at me. “Don’t worry. I’ll sort it.” He left the room and I placed my ear against it.
"You need to make that drop tonight!" Bellowed Jay.
"Woah woah woah, calm down what's going on?" Haz’s tone was calm.
"It's a mess Harry Vens! That's what's the matter!" I could almost sense the tension between them from here. What’s a drop? "Why are you here anyway? Why did Avaya disappear?" He finished his rampage of questions and my heart began to race. Shit he knows I’m here doesn’t he?
"I told you I was coming back to get some gear for later, Avaya didn't disappear, she went home." The way the lies flew off his tongue was worrying. I would never have sensed he was lying.
"I don't think she's gone home somehow." Jay’s voice was low and I gripped my hand into a small fist.
"Well she's not here is she!?" Haz’s voice raised an octave. I had an uneasy feeling in my chest and I placed my hand against it.
"Tomorrow. We have serious work to do." There was an awkward silence between the two of them.
"Why did you keep Av so quiet?" Haz's question cut through the tension.
"I don't want you getting your hands on her, she's sweet... She doesn't need your shit."
"She is sweet but I don't think I like what you're implying. She’s a big girl, she can make her own choices?" I took a deep breath in, his words truly shocked me. What shit of his? What don’t I need to be involved in?
"Just keep away yeah? She isn't another one of these goals? Another notch on your bedpost." Jay’s tone was full of sarcasm. I heard Haz growl.
"She isn't going to be one of yours either. You're no better than I am." He snapped back at Jay’s remark and I cringed slightly. How many women had he slept with? Was I really another notch on the post? This was getting awkward.
"Harry. She's too nice? You're craving, you need to get yourself better before you start messing with her, you'll hurt her?" Jay’s tone was no longer pissed off. He no longer sounded like he was angry. He sounded hurt and upset. I looked down at my feet. What does he mean craving? Craving what? Me? Sex? I shook my head.
I listened as the front door shut and quickly took my place back on his bed exactly where he left me. He walked through the door a few moments later and I smiled sweetly at him.
"What was all that about?" I asked curiously. Obviously I knew.
"Nothing for you to worry about." He grinned at me. I looked out towards the window, the beautiful view of the sea calmed me. I felt the bed dip next to me and watched as he ran his fingers over my face. I kissed his fingers softly.
“Harry Vens eh?” I glanced up at his expression. His eyes were playful as he shrugged.
“Oh I love it when you talk dirty.” I stifled my laugh and nudged him softly.
“It suits you.” It did. Harry suited him. He was strong and it was a strong name.
“Fancy coming somewhere with me?” I ran my eyes over his and watched as he sat up slightly.
“As long as I can have my knickers back?” He flashed a smile at me and pulled a sad face.
“Fine.” He stood from the bed and made his way towards his wardrobe. He appeared again and threw some womens clothes towards me. I raised my brow at him and gestured towards the clothes. “They’re Chloe’s. Her clothes are in every room in the house.” My gut twisted when the words left his mouth.
“Are you sleeping with her too?” He smirked and shook his head.
“No only you.” I fought the pang of jealousy that threatened me and nodded before I pulled them on. I placed the jumper over my head and watched him get dressed too. His eyes looked tired. “You ready?” I nodded as he wrapped his fingers in mine. As ready as I’m ever gonna be.
Vens - Tuesday-ish
As I drove, I took in my view, the stars were shining tonight and they weren’t covered by the clouds. Which meant it was fucking freezing. My eyes wandered to my left. I drank in the sight of her. Her face looked tormented, like she was holding in a million questions and I placed my hand against her leg softly. I was catching feelings. I shook my thoughts away and watched as she smiled back at me. She was relaxed, her shoulders weren’t rigid anymore and it was almost as if my touch soothed her. I ran my thumb over the back of her hand and looked at the road ahead of me. I followed it for a while until we reached the car park. The view from where we sat was stunning. I inhaled deeply and looked towards her.
“Where are we?” She whispered as she pushed her thick dark waves behind her ear. I loved it when she did that.
“The cliffs. It’s one of my favourite spots to come.” I looked back at the sky which was clear. I heard her breathe out and smiled as she clutched my fingers in her hand. “Wanna come and see something cool?” I heard her laughing and smiled to myself.
“Yeah sure.” I climbed from the car and watched as she followed. I hadn’t been here in years. The air was cold and crisp. I watched as her hair swayed around her when the wind took it. My chest hurt just looking at her. She was beautiful. I took her hand in mine and guided her down towards an opening in the cliffs. It had grown over the years. I pulled back the ivy and she disappeared. I caught up with her as we made our way down the sandy path towards the small beach. It was pitch black. I noticed the hut in the distance and pointed towards it.
"This is Alfie's beach." I couldn't think of anything else to say. Though it was dark I watched as she looked over towards the old beach house and I smiled to myself. "Do you want to go inside?" My voice was a low whisper and she took my hand in hers.
"Yes." She flashed a cheeky grin my way before she started jogging across the beach towards the hut. Her laugh was a dirty one. It made me laugh. A full laugh and I began to run after her. "You lot have more money than sense." She was gasping for breath when we reached the wooden porch. I smirked at her comment. I wasn't going to argue with her. She was right, we did. She placed her hands on my chest as she caught her breath. I started to pick the lock. I hadn’t got my keys for this place. I struggled with the door and heard her giggling. I smirked as I pushed against the door almost falling through it, her laugh deepened and I laughed too.
“Well that was a little hard to open.” I turned to face her and she smiled broadly as she took in the surroundings. I glanced around the room. It was just as I’d remembered. The old wooden floors needed a clean. The sofa seemed dusty and I glanced towards the small kitchenette. The white worktops were also covered in dust. It was small but open. The bedroom was open plan too, off the living room to the left. I watched as she took her seat on
the dusty bar stool of the kitchen island. She ran her fingers over the work surface and watched as she smirked at me.
“Tell me more about you.” Her eyes softened as she looked at me and I stood opposite her. She didn’t want to know about me. If she knew half of what I was she wouldn’t want anything else to do with me and I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want her to go anywhere.
I shrugged as I leant across the island. “I met Jay when I was a kid, we went to juvie together.” I gulped back the lump growing in my throat and ran my fingers through my hair. I’m originally from Shropshire but when we got out I moved down here with Jay to help with Chlo and I never went back.” I watched as her eyes examined me. I felt exposed. “What about you?” Yeah that’s it, throw her a question now you’ve just exposed yourself.
“I moved here with my mum when I was about 4? I only remember a little bit. I remember her struggling and living at Soph’s and then with Nancy for a while.” Her voice was soft and her eyes moved away from mine. She messed with her fingers.
“Why did she move?” I wanted to reach and hold her hand but shook off the feeling.
“She moved away from my dad.” She was blunt. I was worried I’d pushed too hard. “So what sort of logistics to you and Jay do?” Fuck. I hadn’t got an answer for her. I couldn't exactly tell her we moved drugs around the country. I couldn’t admit that I was an addict. That the burn in my veins didn’t ever stop. I gulped and glanced towards her. She still wasn’t looking at me.
“I’m sorry I pushed on your past I didn’t mean to,” I began to fumble on my words and she looked up from underneath her lashes. She looked as though she was holding back tears “if it makes you feel any better my past wasn’t much better Avay.” She took my hand in hers and she gave me a sweet smile.
“Hmm seems that way, juvenile huh?” She raised her brow. I laughed a little and shrugged.
“Yeah,” I desperately wanted to tell her the whole story but I couldn’t. “I was a little shit.” She chuckled and squeezed my hand.
“Not a lot changed there?” I grinned, the tears that once threatened in her eyes dissipating.
“Not much no.” The words from her mouth rang true. Nothing had changed. I was still an addict. I still dabbled in unlawful dealings. Her fingers were like ice and I squeezed her softly. “We should probably get going. It's freezing, you're like ice.” She nodded as she stood. She glanced up at me, her sea green eyes were so clear and I kissed her cheek slowly.
“Sounds good.” Her words were quiet now. You’ve scared her off. I shook my head and we made our way back across Alfie’s beach. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore calmed me. I followed her with my eyes as she made her way back up the steep path towards my car. The ache in my chest became more prominent now, the burn in my veins returning along with the realisation that this was never going away. I would never stop. I couldn’t.
I must have watched her sleep all night; she was tiny, curled in the fetal position and all bare and stripped down. I smiled to myself reliving the moment that she drifted off practically in my arms. I rubbed the vein that was sore from my earlier hit and looked down at my feet. What the fuck happened to you? I watched as she stretched in her sleep. She made me want to be better, she made me lose control and yet she made my desire to get clean stronger. I just didn’t know how. Drugs were my job and my life. They numbed me. Until she came along. She moaned softly in her sleep and I lay over her softly. She instantly reached for me.
“Haz?” She mumbled.
“I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to get you home before people start to come back.” She flexed underneath me and I kissed the side of her mouth as she opened her eyes.
“What time is it? It’s still dark?” Her eyelashes fluttered and her voice was croaky. I’d give anything to wake up next to this. I placed my lips against her ear.
“It’s 5.56.” I whispered as I kissed her neck softly. “C’mon up.” She groaned as she sat up and found her shoes. She looked so childlike all sleepy and dazed. I smirked to myself and shook my head as she stretched. She gathered up her things and followed me towards my car. I started the engine and began to drive her home. She was silent the whole way. As I pulled up outside her tiny end terrace I smiled in her direction. Her eyes were hooded and sleepy and I leant across towards her. She touched my nose with her finger and I reached for it.
“I guess I’ll see you this weekend?” I simply nodded.
A class full of kids to start the morning didn't exactly please me. What with pent up sexual frustration and a headache from hell I could think of better things to do with my time. I glanced at Jay, I left the kids to practice their footwork and made my way over to him, I took him down and held him there. His laughter filled the room and I grinned.
“Fuck sake. I knew that was coming.” I smirked and got off him before I offered my hand to help him stand.
“Did you get with Nance last night? You seem fresh considering you haven’t been home yet.” His face twisted when I mentioned her name and he shrugged.
“Kinda. Bit of dry humping and kissing. No biggie. I had to leave to do that drop that you were supposed to do.” Shit. The drop. I glanced up at him and he rubbed my arm. “Don’t worry. I’ve sorted it,” I nodded and could feel his eyes burning into me. “What’s wrong?” I shook my head and threw some gloves his way.
“I’m just distracted.” I watched him smirk and dug his side. “No before you ask. Not a woman thing.” He burst out laughing.
“Dude you think I’m gonna believe that?” I frowned and called him closer with my hand. I needed to get some of my frustration out one way or another and he seemed like the best way.
Haz- Friday
A few days passed and I didn’t hear anything from Avaya. I was busy training and settling into my new role at the law firm. Kinda ironic that we were board members of a law firm. I chuckled to myself as I glanced down at my phone and headed towards my en-suite. I peeled my shirt off and glanced at myself in the mirror, the track marks that pierced my skin were more noticeable than usual and they hurt. I rubbed them and sighed. I heard a patter of feet and looked behind me where Chloe was standing.
“Do you mind?” I gestured towards the shower and watched as she shook her head.
“No not really, carry on.” I watched her as she sprayed her perfume and began to place her face of makeup on. I rolled my eyes and slipped into the shower. This was the longest I hadn’t been laid and she was seeming more and more appealing. I washed quickly and examined her. She gave me a look that I was familiar with. I turned off the water and stepped out wrapping a towel around my lower half. She raised her brow.
“Don’t look at me like that. You’re high.” She continued to put her makeup on and I watched her. I ran my hands over the skin on her back and turned her to face me. She looked down at my mouth and cleared her throat. I went to kiss her and frowned as my lips touched her cheek.
“Don’t.” She pushed my chest softly in the middle. “We can’t. I’m seeing somebody.” I couldn’t help but smirk.
“That’s never stopped you before?” She frowned at me and her eyes were dark as she pushed me harder.
“I said no. This between us was over months ago.” She was right. I was high. I didn’t want her. I wanted Avaya. I growled as I moved from her. “Look I know you’ve been really struggling this week,” I watched her gulp “what happened?” Her eyes looked full of pity and I shook my head. “If Jay found out we were still you know,” her eyes dropped to below my towel before she met my gaze again “you wouldn’t have a dick left and I wouldn’t do it to Av,” she stopped suddenly and turned back to face the mirror.
“Wouldn’t do what to who?” I tilted my head and watched her in my mirror. She flushed red and I grabbed my aftershave from next to her.
“Fuck sake Haz just get ready everyone is nearly done they’re waiting for you.” She leaves quickly and she’s flustered. I smirked to myself. Avaya likes me. My chest constricted and I took a
deep look at myself in the mirror. Get a grip.
Monday
Maybe I got the wrong vibe from her, maybe she didn't really give a shit and she was just like everyone else. Images of him laying over Holly sent me into shock, blood was leaving her mouth and she wasn't breathing. I hobbled towards her and held her, I was smelling her hair and trying desperately to make her breathe again. I'm woken by Jay who is holding my arm.
“Hey, lad what's up?” I searched for his face as I was blinded by my nightmare. This was becoming more and more often.
“Nothing, I'm good.” My chest was telling another story, I could hear it beating in my ears and I sat up.
“It's okay it happens mate you're trying to go cold turkey?” Fury threatened to ignite and I pushed him off.
“This is the reason I'm on the fucking stuff! I don't get this when I'm high.” His big brown eyes looked sad. He knew how hard this was. But I was trying. I was so desperate to get clean this time. He just didn’t understand why. He got it because he’d done it. He’d been an addict and he was clean now. I envied him for having that will power. I jumped from the bed and jogged down the stairs. Food. Food will help. I nodded at my thoughts. I felt a familiar small hand run up my back.
“You’re alright Haz.” She whispered as she patted my back. I tensed under her grasp. Chloe’s sweet voice was tinged with sadness and I scoffed.
“Am I Chlo?” Her eyes searched for mine, they were wide and I looked away.
“Just keep going,” she took a deep breath in “I’m really proud of you.” She looked back towards the pancakes on the kitchen table before she left me alone again. Fuck this is too much. I growled out loud and hit the island. I can’t do this.
Chapter Three
Holt - Monday
The past few weeks of uni were a nightmare. I glanced down at my phone to see if I had a text or even a missed call off Haz but I had nothing. I didn’t see him the weekend after we went to that cabin. I hadn’t heard from him since. It had been 2 weeks. I frowned to myself and I looked at Nancy who was sitting opposite me in the Costa on campus. Jay was supposed to have been meeting us there. They had struck up some sort of relationship. I’d heard enough about it. She lowered her eyes in my direction and I shook my head.