by Anna White
“What?” I snapped. She threw her hands up in surrender.
“Nothing,” I sighed and ran my fingers over my forehead. I wanted to tell her that I was envious that Jay actually gave a fuck about her. That I needed that from Haz. I’d shared part of my childhood with him and he shared some of his secrets with me too. I heard him before I saw him.
“Hey beautiful.” I heard the sound of lips locking and glanced up to see her wrapped around him like a puppy. I rolled my eyes and nodded at him. “What’s been going on?” He questioned me as he took his seat next to Nance. I didn't say anything. I looked down in my hands at my phone and pulled on my earlobe. I zoned out of their conversation. I didn’t really care what he’d been doing at work, or how uni was stressing Nancy out.
“Isn’t that right Av?” Nancy’s blue eyes looked hopeful and I desperately wished I was listening to what she had been saying. I simply nodded “You’re not listening are you?” I cringed and shook my head. I watched as Jay’s eyes narrowed. It was almost as if he sensed something was going on.
“We’re going away on business this weekend? Having a gathering at Alfie’s on Friday?” My ears heard that. So he was ok. I flinched. It hurt to know that he was just carrying on with his life. He said it was only once. I should have listened.
“Cool.” Blunt.
“Where are you going nice?” Nancy smiled at him, her smile was beautiful and genuine. I couldn’t remember the last time I smiled like that over the last 2 weeks.
“Italy." His tone was ice cool. I huffed.
“I should get going,” I stood and reached across to hug Nancy. She looked shocked and I patted Jay on the shoulder “enjoy your business trip.” He nodded “Come to mine when you’re finished here?” She simply nodded as her eyes widened. I couldn’t be near him. He reminded me of Haz. I gathered my coat from the back of the chair and wrapped it around my body before I hit the uni campus. I took a sharp breath and ran. I ran and ran until I hit home. I just need some space.
Friday
I’d been miserable. The girls had made that very clear. He’d blown me off. The stab of disappointment wouldn’t leave my gut as much as I wanted it to. I heard my front door slam shut and shouted. “I’m up here.” I heard elephant feet making their way up the stairs and laughed when I saw the two of them all red nosed and cold.
“I swear to god for October it’s fucking freezing!” Soph’s teeth chattered together as she spoke and I smiled at her.
“Yeah it’s gone bitter.”
“A bit like you hey?” Nance added and I frowned. I was a little bitter. I noticed the huge bag she was holding and smiled. “How are you wearing your hair?” She changed the subject pretty quickly when I didn’t respond. I shrugged.
“Just like this?” I gestured at my hair and she smiled.
“I was going to say it didn’t need anything doing to it.” Soph interjected and I laughed.
“Yeah sure you were…” She frowned at me as she sat beside me on my bed.
“Hey I was! You’re lovely just the way you are… We,” she pointed at herself and Nancy and back again “need help.” I laughed as Nancy nodded.
“You’ve got that right!” She placed her bag down on my bed and pulled out her makeup bag. It was double the size of mine and I chuckled.
“You know you can only wear one product at a time don’t you?” She winked in my direction before she sat with her legs crossed in front of my mirror.
“I need all the help I can get.” She didn’t, she was absolutely stunning with or without makeup. I grew up in awe of her. I shoved her shoulder playfully and she smiled before she got to work on her eye make up. “So are you gonna tell us what’s going on with you?” She didn’t make eye contact with me and I shrugged. I couldn’t tell them.
“I’m okay I swear just a bit hormonal.” I lied. Soph laughed as she took off her coat and hung it on my little heart shaped coat hangers that rested on the back of my bedroom door. I stood and pulled on my grey co-ord. The skirt was mid length ish and the top was cropped. I eyed up my coat hanging on that very same rack and watched as Soph pulled on my skirt.
“This looks looser? Have you lost some weight?” I shook my head.
“I don’t think I have?” I glanced in the mirror and examined myself. The only thing I could see that was different was that my abs were slightly more defined. She smirked and slapped them softly.
“Well I think you look great.” I chuckled and lay back on my bed watching the pair of them getting ready.
“It’s all that dancing and gymming you’re doing. You’re arse is bigger and girl you’ve got abs for daysss.” Nance teased. I pulled up my skirt slightly so that you couldn’t see them and watched as she rolled her eyes. She pulled on her Navy dress and grabbed her bag.
"Are you ready now?" I questioned. Her face was shocked as she grinned at me.
"Yes actually I am... I'm waiting for you!" I laughed as she pulled her car keys from her bag and ran down the stairs quicker than I’d seen her move in my entire life. Soph shot me a look and I shrugged. Must be the prospect of seeing Jay again.
We arrived within 10 minutes at their house, still as big and beautiful as the first time we all saw it. She parked her lovely little Mercedez which blended in with the other new cars outside and glanced towards me.
"Still beautiful isn’t it?" She openly admitted and I was glad that I wasn’t feeling alone. I nodded and made an exit from the car. The sound of our heels crunching on the gravel made my stomach curl. I closed my eyes before I entered the house. I don’t want to be here. I clutched Nancy’s arm and she squeezed it. It was just enough to reassure me and I needed that now. My feet wouldn’t move any further into the house. There were people everywhere. Jay spotted us and crept passed the crowds of people and as he hit Nancy he placed a light peck against her cheek. He gripped her waist and I smiled weakly at him. I want to go home, I want to go home and I want to go home. I shook my head at my thoughts and looked towards my left where the kitchen was. My eyes found the view towards the sea and I was pulled towards it. I stopped as I made contact with another human. I jumped and moved my eyes upwards. It was Alfie. Thank god. Relief flowed through me and I smiled at him. He held me at arms length and examined my face.
“Hey where have you been?” He looked down towards my smaller frame and I cleared my throat. “The gym it would seem?”I felt myself blushing and nodded.
“Yeah, I’ve just been busy with uni.” I tried my hardest to lie to him. I’d gone into a rut. I found myself keeping busy so that I didn’t think about him. I had been taking four to five classes a week. Alfie’s eyes widened as he dropped my arms. He was looking over my shoulder.
“Boo.” The familiar feeling of stubble and his smell hit me like a wall. I turned around to see him. His eyes were different. They were red. So red around the edges. He wasn’t smiling his usual soft smile. It looked cruel and I stood speechless staring at him. Who was this man? My heartbeat slowed. He seemed different. He was always so calm and controlled but tonight he wasn't. His eyes wouldn’t stay in one place and he couldn’t stay still. I tensed as he touched me. I moved away from him slowly, I watched as he gripped my arm and winced. Fuck that hurt. I fought the urge to snatch my arm away. I felt the tears threaten my eyes and I looked away from him. People were now looking and whispering. He picked me up and I pulled on my skirt so my arse wasn’t being shown to the world. I felt the blood rush to my face.
“Where have you been?” He raised his eyebrow in my direction and I pushed against his chest softly. Please put me down.
“Where have you been?” I whispered back at him. Tears were definitely brimming in my eyes and I couldn’t look at his. They weren’t the same. His expression changed the second he placed me back on the floor. He looked angry. A chill went through my body as I tried to put some distance between us. He caught my arm with his fingers and squeezed. Ouch!
“What is that supposed to mean!?” His voice was slightly higher now and I no
ticed people looking.
“What are you doing?” I looked down where he was holding my arm and tried to move it. Fuck he’s strong. I closed my eyes tightly. I was trying to hold back my tears.
“Haz let her go, you’re hurting her and there’s a room full of people staring at you.” She pressed his chest and he released me from his clutch. I instantly grabbed my arm and rubbed it. I caught my breath and looked towards her. Her mud brown eyes looked sad.
“I’m so sorry about him Av,” her eyes followed him out of the room “he’s going through a rough time.” A rough time? Why? What could possibly have changed him so drastically? “C'mon don’t let that shit head ruin your night.” She took my arm in hers and pulled me to introduce me to some more of her friends.
My mind wasn’t in the socializing game. I was analysing everyone in the room. I made sure I was standing in a large group which is where I stood now. I heard laughter from around me and felt Chlo nudge me slightly in the rib. I recognised some of the faces. We’d been out with them before. I smiled politely at the girl who was talking and my eyes traced towards the back of the room. I spotted one of my old uni lecturers. Her dirty blonde hair fell down past her shoulders and she was dressed in a short black dress which made her already long legs look even longer. She looked comfortable here. She was laughing and joking with some of Alfie’s friends. What is she doing here? I leant into Chlo and whispered.
“Chlo?” My eyes didn’t leave Natalie Foley.
“Yes?” She followed my line of site. “Oh shit.” She pulled me to face her and then pulled me away from the group towards the hallway. I followed her. Why oh shit? What the fuck is going on?
“Why is she here?” She grimaced and I nodded at her in an effort to hurry her response along.
“See the thing is, she’s kinda sorta,” she paused and I pushed her chest slightly.
“Fuck sake Chlo spit it out…” She looked back over my shoulder and shook her head.
“She’s fucking Haz.” My heart stopped as she spoke the words. Tears threatened to leak from my eyes and I nodded. I turned where she was looking and watched as Haz was pulling her into him. He was nibbling her neck. She was grinning like a fucking idiot. Fire bubbled in the pit of my stomach. I made my way away from her and walked back into the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of wine and poured some into a large wine glass. I started to drink up. I heard a familiar voice from behind me and turned to face it. It was Jamane. The dancer. I nodded at him and watched as his eyes examined what I was drinking.
“Rough night?” His smile spread across his face. He looked so happy. His nearly black eyes lit up when he smiled.
“Hmm could say that.” I knew I was frowning.
“You haven’t taken any of my classes lately?” His head tilted to one side and I gulped down another mouthful of wine.
“I’ve been really busy with uni classes.” He shoved my shoulder playfully and I smiled at him. It was a weak smile. I didn’t want to smile. I was furious.
“Well I’ve got a spare spot after my class on a Wednesday? Why don’t you have a dabble at teaching?” I raised my brow. Me? Teach? “Hey I watched you the other evening in Marie’s class, you’re great and people watch you.” I chuckled and shrugged.
“They don’t.” I sounded blunt and watched as he leant against the worktop.
“They do, have you read all of the comments on YouTube videos you're in for the choreographers? People love you.” I instantly felt awkward. I always forgot that people posted those things on social media. To me I was just dancing. Doing something I loved. Is that why my instagram following suddenly skyrocketed? I shook away the thought. I’m a normal girl.
“Well it would be great if you gave it a shot.” He raised his glass in my direction and I clinked it with his. I laughed as he winked at me. I could feel the warmth of the alcohol rising in my bloodstream and gulped another mouthful of wine back. I held the worktop to support myself. “I haven’t drank in over a month. I think this is hitting me a little bit.” I giggled to myself and gripped my glass.
“Don’t worry about it, we've all been there. Do you need a hand?” I shook my head as he supported my elbow.
“I’m okay thanks though.” Right let’s go and find Nancy… I needed to go home. I chuckled to myself. I glanced up towards the kitchen entrance and there he stood. There was a look in his eyes I’d never seen before. I gulped slowly and touched Jamane’s shoulder softly.
“Thanks for the chat, I’m just going to find my friend.” He nodded.
“Sure.” I was praying that Haz would have gone to find Natalie but he was standing glaring at me. He tilted his head to the right and gestured for me to follow him. My feet wouldn’t move. They were grounded for a few moments. My heart thudded loudly. So loudly I could hear it in my ears. My feet began to move closer towards him. I felt numb. Possibly from the amount of wine that flowed through my body that I’d put there in such a short space of time. I was trembling. I reached where he was standing. His eyes burned through me. I held my breath as he squeezed my arm and pulled me through people into a tiny room underneath the stairs. It was pitch black up in the room. I heard his low breathing and I closed my eyes.
“Do you like annoying me?” We were in a dark room. I couldn’t see him but I felt him. His hand ran over my chest and I bit down on my lip. “What the fuck was that with Jamane?” His voice was tinged with anger and I grimaced.
“No idea what you’re talking about.”
“For fuck sake Avaya. Him touching you and laughing together.” Was he jealous!? I frowned and placed my finger on his chest.
“He was being friendly,” I took a deep breath and shoved him hard “I didn’t realise I got under your skin so much.” I shoved him again and felt his grip on my hand. It hurt. I winced. “You’re a completely different fucking person.” My eyes were welling with tears. He was so cold. The bravery in my voice shocked me. His grip loosened on my wrist.
“I told you I was bad news.” He turned to walk away and I clutched his wrist between my fingers.
“You didn’t fucking tell me anything!” I was now shouting and I squeezed on his arm.
“I haven’t spoken to you because I knew I’d do something like this!” I shook my head and scoffed. “I’m an addict Avaya!” He boomed in the tiny cupboard and my chest tightened. “Addicts hurt people. Innocent people.” He went to touch my cheek and I moved my face away from his touch.
“Don’t.” I whispered. I’ve fallen in love with an addict. I could hear my heart thudding as I squeezed from his grip and ran upstairs. I didn’t know where I was running. Part of me wanted to scream and the other half of me wanted to break down in tears. Tears were winning. Jay caught my arm in his and I blinked away my tears.
“I’m gonna head home,” I tried my hardest to keep my voice level and strong and I didn’t know how well I was succeeding. None of this could be real. I needed to wake up.
“No you’re not, your staying here.” Fury filled his eyes as he laid them on Haz. He simply shook his head. I wiped away tears from my face. Why are you crying? He’s an arsehole. He’s an addict. He didn’t call you. I glanced towards where they were standing. They were clearly sharing stern words. Jay shoved him and shook his head. I didn’t want to watch anymore. I found myself seeking solace in my spare room. It had a few of my dresses hung up in the wardrobe. I plonked down on the bed and began to sob. You’re drunk, get a grip. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t get a grip. I screamed loudly into the pillow and heard the door open. I heard a low chuckle. I looked up underneath my wet lashes and watched as Jay took his place next to me on the bed.
"Did he hurt you?” His words were full of concern and I didn’t know how to answer him. In what way? My feelings? Physically? Probably more my pride. I ran my fingers over my wrist and shrugged.
“I’m fine.” I muttered. The words that left my mouth weren’t genuine and he knew it.
"You’d be the only woman in the world if you were alright when he’s on
one like this?" His voice was low, mellow and husky. I shrugged as he tapped my shoulder and I closed my eyes. The room span. He felt warm next to me and comforting.
“I don’t know him? So who am I to judge?” I sounded convincing in my head, although Jay raised his eyebrow in my direction and I smiled sweetly. He didn't believe a word I was saying.
“Miss Holt. Men talk too you know, I know what he thinks of you. He just has a funny way of showing affection. He has been very distracted these past few weeks… I am guessing you are why.” Fuck how much has he told him!? I gulped down the lump that grew in my throat and shook my head. I felt confused and I pushed my tears back. My wet lashes didn’t stop one of my tears. It tasted ridiculously salty. "I'll leave you alone?" He rose from the bed and I instantly pulled him back down on the bed with force. I don’t want to be left alone. Drunk or not. His eyes looked confused as I leant towards him. “Avaya…” his words were a warning.
“Please don’t leave me just yet?” I placed my head on his shoulder. I felt them tense beneath my head and exhaled. My eyes were closing and I smiled to myself. The room was spinning and I kissed his cheek softly.
“I think you’ve had enough to drink Av.” He placed me back on the sheets and I nodded. He wasn’t wrong. I knew my head was going to feel like it was detached from my body in the morning. Why did I kiss him? I closed my eyes and drifted off.
Saturday
I stepped out of my spare room and tried my best to be as quiet as humanly possible. The sound of my stomach almost echoed up the stairs. The state of the place made my stomach curl. There were empty beer cans scattered throughout the hallway. I stepped over them and made my way towards the kitchen. I was almost sure I could smell sick. Christ this is awful. I covered my mouth and looked at the surfaces. They were covered in white powder. I rolled my eyes. It looked like sugar but I knew it wasn’t. I began to wipe the remanence away. Two familiar hands found their way beneath the T-shirt I was wearing. My breathing stopped. I couldn’t think. “Please stop it.” My gut twisted as I told him to stop.