ECSTASY

by KV Rose

  I had philosophy and ethics this morning, and I’m pretty sure I bombed my ancient Greek philosophy exam.

  I ended up taking an Adderall to study after Eli went to sleep last night.

  Instead, I stayed up until the sun rose reading Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations, which one would think would help me with the exam. Except he was Roman. Not Greek.

  I slouch down in the booth as Kylie sips her smoothie, staring and waiting for me to answer her question. For a second, I think about asking her about Alex. About what Eli said. But I know Eli is just trying to start shit.

  Still, thinking about him makes me feel all…warm.

  Ugh.

  “I think I just failed an exam,” I admit to Kylie, trying to push thoughts of Eli from my mind.

  She quirks a brow and pulls her smoothie away from her mouth as she swallows it down. “Oh, no. That’s not good. What was it on?”

  Considering I know Kylie is taking shit like organic chem, I don’t really want to tell her. But I do anyway: “Ancient Greek philosophy. I studied the wrong thing.” Kind of true. I knew Aurelius wouldn’t be on the exam, but I’m not about to tell her I stayed up all night texting my ex’s best friend, then ended up high in my bedroom reading Meditations.

  I shrug, blow out a breath. “Anyway, it’s okay. I’ll live.”

  “How’s your GPA?” she asks me, which seems like a personal question, but I realize, if my GPA was decent, it wouldn’t be.

  Still. I clear my throat and sit up a little straighter, looking over her head at the checkout counter of Oasis, watching the lady at the register add whipped cream to an iced coffee. Fuck, I want that. But I’ve got to ration out the money Mom sends me. I can’t be spending it all willy-nilly on things like iced coffee when I’ve got things like illegal drugs to buy.

  “It’s okay,” I answer Kylie, meeting her gaze. “Yours? You applying to pharm schools yet?”

  She wraps her small hands around her plastic cup, grinning. I’ve noticed talking about her future as a pharmacist gets her super excited. I wish I felt like that about something.

  “Yeah, I’ve sent out a few applications already, but I hope I get into Caven’s program. Ian has already been accepted to the med school,” she gushes, her cheeks turning the slightest bit pink.

  God, I wish I felt that way about someone too.

  As if on cue, my phone vibrates in the back pocket of my jeans and I know that pattern. Kylie keeps going on about how great Caven’s pharmacy program is while I lean over and grab my phone, glancing at the screen.

  Yep. Alex.

  Him: I want to see you.

  Him: Tonight.

  Him: Now.

  Him: You can’t just kiss a guy at a funeral and then ghost him. That’s pretty macabre.

  I laugh a little out loud at that and then realize, belatedly, that Kylie is still going on about pharmacy schools because she trips over her words and I look up, embarrassed that I wasn’t listening.

  But she’s staring at my phone with a smirk. “You and Alex made up?” she asks me, seemingly uncaring that I missed half of what she was saying. Her brow is furrowed, and she looks a little uneasy asking about him.

  Again, I think about Eli’s text.

  Glancing down at my screen, I wonder what to say to Alex. Maybe I should confront him and Kylie both. Or I could just tell her about what’s going on with Eli.

  Yeah, no. Never mind. I can’t tell her that if she’s already talking to Alex behind my back. Besides, she probably still hasn’t gotten over the fact that I told her I blew another guy.

  I clear my throat, flip my phone over, leaving Alex on read. Well, not literally. My read receipts are turned off because I’m not a psychopath.

  “No, no,” I tell her, drumming my chipped black nails on the table. I’ll have to fix that shit tonight, when I’ll probably be alone and drunk watching You, or some other disturbing shit. As if my life isn’t bizarre enough. “It’s uh, just a dude from my philosophy class.” Wow. I’m turning into a full-blown liar.

  Kylie waggles her brows at me. “Care to share?” she asks me, then takes another sip of her smoothie.

  I feel myself blushing, but obviously not because of the non-existent guy I just made up. And I kind of do want to share. I sort of want to talk about Alex Cardi, just like I want to talk about Eli Addison. I want to tell her that something is seriously wrong with me. I wish I could tell her I’m having a hard time staying on top of my drug use again, and that I’m so scared I’ll end up alone for the rest of my life, mostly because of my own poor decision-making skills.

  I wave my hand, shaking my head. “No, it’s nothing, really.”

  She doesn’t look like she believes me, but she lets it go, and she even does me a favor and changes the subject. Glancing down at my nails tapping again against the table she asks, “You gonna eat anything?”

  Eat? The thought kind of startles me, but I guess it is lunchtime. I haven’t had an appetite in days, between all the Adderall and the Xanax or cough syrup to knock me out when it gets too late.

  The idea of eating right now is an unpleasant one. My mouth is dry, and I’m pretty sure food would taste like ash.

  I shake my head raking my hand through my hair. Which needs washing.

  “Oh, no. I’m not hungry.”

  Kylie takes a slurp of her smoothie, but she’s eyeing me suspiciously. I don’t like it. I squirm a little in my seat and then realize that makes me look guilty as hell. My next anxious instinct is to pick up my phone and beg Alex to come save me, but that would make me look weak. Instead, I reach for a subject change.

  “How long have you and Ian been dating?”

  This is, apparently, the right thing to ask. They were together before I moved into the apartment, and I never bothered to ask because I’m a selfish bitch.

  Kylie grins so hard my face hurts, just watching it. Her fingers flex against the plastic of her smoothie cup, and she ducks her chin, laughing a little.

  It’s amusing and kind of annoying at the same time. Annoying only because I’m fucking jealous. If anyone knows anything about me at all, it’s for that stupid video, and the fact that I’m Alex Cardi’s girlfriend.

  Basically, I’m the tit girl.

  It’s college, of course, so no one really cares all that much about who you are if you aren’t at the top of the totem pole, but still. Kylie Jones is definitely not the tit girl, even though hers are much bigger than mine, even on her small frame. She’s the future pharmacist girl. The smart girl.

  Ian’s girl. More like, he’s Kylie’s boy.

  “Since the end of last year,” she tells me, still cheesin’ like a fool. She props her chin on her hand and bats her lashes. “He asked me to be his girlfriend under a Christmas tree.”

  That makes me think of my mother which is kind of heart-warming and obnoxious all at once. Jealous. “Oh, wow. Like, an outdoor one or a fake or…?”

  She laughs, clamps a hand over her mouth then speaks through her fingers. “My parents’ tree. He asked them first. If he could date me.”

  My eyes almost bug out of my head. “Wow. That’s uh… That’s something.” That’s disturbing.

  She is smiling so hard I swear she’s going to split her cute round face in two. “Yeah, it’s my favorite holiday and he knew my dad would want to be asked, so,” she shrugs, “he asked them, then me.” Her voice kind of goes up at the ends, like a squeak.

  If Alex had asked my mother before he dated me, I would have punched him. If my mom had believed for half a second, I needed her permission to date someone, I might’ve punched her, too.

  God, I’m a bitch.

  But I can also recognize when another girl is genuinely happy, and Kylie is definitely that. “I’m happy for you,” I tell her, and I do actually mean it. I just wish I had that. Not the parental permission thing because that’s much too southern for me, and I’m a fucking Southerner, but the happiness part.

  Alex makes me happy.

  He also piss
es me off.

  I’m sure the feeling is entirely mutual.

  “Yeah, he’s the best,” Kylie gushes, still riding high in her little love bubble. Whatever Eli was insinuating last night, he’s full of it. Ian is a nice guy. He’s got blonde hair and glasses and a boyish face, and he seems perfect for Kylie.

  Maybe that’s the problem.

  Maybe there’s no one that’s perfect for me because I’m a fucking freak. And not just in the sexy way. Mainly, in fact, in the unsexy way.

  Kylie cocks her head, holds up one finger like she’s listening for something. It’s pretty quiet in Oasis. Kind of too early for the lunch rush, so this place is nearly empty. I don’t know what the fuck she’s trying to hear.

  Then she grins again, and I hear it.

  A ringtone coming from her pink backpack.

  Bella’s Lullaby from the Twilight soundtrack.

  “That’s Ian!” she says excitedly. She pulls the phone out of the front pocket of her backpack and swipes to answer the call.

  This is my cue to leave.

  I stand to my feet after I slide out of the booth, grabbing my backpack. “See you tonight,” I tell her, and she finger waves to me, caught up in the bliss of young, non-fucked up love.

  Must be fucking nice.

  18

  Eli

  Wednesday night, I’m walking out of the gym from practice, duffel bag slung over my shoulder when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I hear the guys behind me talking, and someone asks if I want to grab dinner.

  I ignore them, walking toward the fountain outside of the gym as I pull my phone out.

  Zara’s name flashes on the screen. Since late Sunday night, or early Monday morning, I guess, we haven’t texted. I know she met Alex for lunch on Tuesday because he told me about it last night. But he said he’s not really ready to trust her again.

  If it’s up to me, he won’t, ever again.

  It’s dark outside already, kind of cool for mid-September, and as I unlock my phone, I feel a chill run through my body, wicking the sweat from practice away.

  Her: Tell me about Kylie and Alex.

  I smile at my screen. So maybe she wants to try to trust me now. I shrug off my bag, setting it on the concrete ledge of the fountain.

  Me: What do you want to know?

  She replies immediately, and I wonder what she’s doing. I want to see her and Alex went to the bar with Dwight for wing night.

  Would she come over, if I asked her?

  She’s probably pissed I lied to Alex, but I don’t care. I’ve been waiting for her for too fucking long. I don’t want to wait anymore.

  Her: Everything.

  I glance up at the night sky, see the stars overhead. I don’t know how long we’d have before Alex got back. Practice was later than usual tonight because the wrestling room was being used for some other shit, but it’s only like eight now.

  Alex probably won’t be back until after midnight.

  Me: Let me pick you up.

  I stare at my screen in the dark, waiting. She starts to type, then stops. Then starts again.

  Her: Are you going to get me in trouble again, Eli Adonis?

  I smile in the dark, biting my cheek. My mom used to call me that.

  Me: No. I promise.

  Her: I don’t trust you. Pick me up anyway.

  And then, right after that text, I want to experience everything, remember?

  19

  Zara

  I’m sitting with my feet in the pool beside Eli, both of us on a shared towel. He’s got his feet in too. He told me to bring my swimsuit and since I’m already being fucking stupid, it seemed silly not to.

  I knew Alex was out with Dwight, so for at least a few more hours, we’ll be alone.

  I told Eli I had to be gone before Alex came.

  I grab the red Solo cup on the blanket between us and finish the tequila soda before putting the cup back down.

  “Want another one?” Eli asks beside me, turning to face me.

  I meet his eyes in the dim light around the pool. The water is cold, and the night is kind of chilly too. It’s not really warm enough for us to be sitting in our swimsuits, but I don’t really want Eli to put his shirt back on, so I’m not complaining. Besides, the alcohol will warm me up soon.

  “I shouldn’t,” I tell Eli, smiling a little as he grins at me.

  He cocks his head. “You shouldn’t be here either and yet here you are.” He shrugs, the muscles in his shoulders flexing as he does. “Why not be a little more bad?” His words are a whisper, and there’s like a foot of space between us, but it doesn’t stop a chill from going down my spine. I clench my thighs together and hope he doesn’t notice.

  His eyes never leave mine.

  “Okay, fine. But not until you tell me what you know about Alex and Kylie. And why the fuck you lied to Alex about me flashing you.” I know I should be madder, but when he grins at my reply, I can’t help but laugh a little too.

  He’s leaning against his palms, but he moves his fingers closer to mine, his thumb brushing against my wrist, his eyes still on mine.

  “Alex told Kylie to keep an eye on you,” he says quietly.

  My stomach churns.

  “She sends him weekly reports.”

  I snatch my hand away from him and sit up straighter, twisting to stare at him. “Eli, do not fuck with me. Are you lying right now?”

  He sits up too, bringing his feet in, flat on the towel as he wraps his arms around his knees. “I told you. I’m not lying to you.”

  “But you fucking lied to Alex about—”

  He puts his hand on my thigh, cutting off my words. His thumb strokes the scars, just under the edge of my bikini.

  I shiver at his touch but don’t dare move.

  “Yeah. I lied to him. I’m not lying to you.”

  “But why?” I ask him, my voice hoarse as he keeps moving his thumb back and forth across my bare skin. I feel warmth spooling in my core, my insides turning to liquid. “Why did you lie to him? He was pissed at me.”

  “He’s always pissed at you, baby girl.”

  I hold his gaze a second, then turn to look out at the pool. He keeps his hand on my thigh, still running his thumb back and forth across my skin.

  “Do you think he cares?” I ask without looking at him. “Is that why he asked Kylie to look after me?” I hate the rough edge to my voice, but I can’t help it.

  Alex has been lying to me.

  Or at the very least, he’s been keeping things from me. And Kylie? Fuck her. She was bullshitting me about Alex being a jerk. Or maybe she really thinks he is, but she fucking lied to me too.

  Eli is quiet a moment, and his thumb moves closer to the edge of my bikini. The warmth under my skin is growing and I want to turn toward him, with his fingers higher, inside of me again.

  But I need to hear this too.

  “Probably,” he answers me. “But wouldn’t you rather know?”

  I nod in the dark. “Yeah,” I admit, and his thumb grazes just under the thin material of my swimsuit. My next words are a little breathless. “I would want to know.”

  Eli picks the red cup up with his free hand, moves it to his other side. I don’t dare move as he comes closer to me, his thigh brushing mine, his shoulder bumping against my arm. I can smell him, and his scent does things to me.

  I press my thighs closer together, kicking my feet a little in the cold water of the pool.

  “Why did you start?” he asks me quietly. His thumb slips under my swimsuit, and it’s hard to breathe. “Why did you start cutting?”

  I bite my lip, still staring at the water.

  I know he’s waiting for some tragedy and it makes my face burn with shame. I don’t have a tragedy. If that’s what he thinks we have in common, we don’t.

  He shifts even closer, moves his hand, and pulls at the string of my bikini bottom until it comes undone. He slides his hand under the material, cupping me.

  I turn toward him, and his ey
es are on mine.

  “Tell me, Zara. Why did you start hurting yourself?”

  I stare at his mouth, his full lips, imagining them on my skin when I answer him. “I was lonely.”

  He bites his lip, and runs his middle finger down my slit, parting my lips.

  I suck in a breath and I see his lips pull up into a smile.

  “Were you?” he asks me softly, leaning in closer. He puts his mouth on my shoulder, kissing me.

  I nod, still staring at his mouth, then parting my thighs wider, giving him better access.

  He lifts his head. “That night, when you and Alex fought. Why did you do it then?” He pulls me apart with his fingers, massaging my clit with his middle finger.

  I take a shaky breath in, glance behind him at the sliding glass doors. Any moment, Alex could walk out here. He could come home early. He could catch us. He would kill us.

  “Look at me, baby girl,” Eli commands me, sliding his finger lower.

  I spread my thighs wider, wanting him inside of me.

  He dips his finger down, and then he’s right there, teasing me.

  “I won’t let him hurt you. Tell me.” He flicks his gaze to my mouth as he circles my entrance. “Tell me why you did it that night and I’ll reward you.”

  I want to touch him. I want to push him on his back and ride him. I want him inside of me. But I force myself to stay still. To do what he said. I hesitate, “I…I was just tired of feeling… unwanted.” I whisper the last word. Think about Alex telling me that his father thought I was a whore. The words shouldn’t have hurt, considering his dad really is a whore. But it still hurt to know Alex cared what his father said about me. And, he seemed to agree with him and what he thought about me.

  It was painful, and so was remembering how it felt to know that my father didn’t think of me at all.

  “Did it make you feel better?” Eli asks, still teasing me. I shift my hips and I see a ghost of a smile on his lips. “When you cut yourself, did you feel better?”

  I nod, whimpering.

  “I love when you make that sound,” he says, leaning closer. And then his mouth is on mine as he pushes his finger inside of me. I gasp into his mouth, his tongue twirling around mine as he fingers me. He pushes another finger into me, and I shift my hips, bucking against him.