ECSTASY

by KV Rose

  “A slut,” I deadpan, watching him carefully.

  He shakes his head, a little frown tugging on the corner of his mouth. “You’re not a slut,” he says quietly.

  I roll my eyes, turn back to watch my fingers dancing on the wind out the window, barely visible in the darkness of the night.

  “I am, but that’s okay.”

  “You’re not.”

  “Whatever.”

  I think about what Eli said, about the word ‘whore’. You say the word like it’s a bad thing.

  Alex thought it was a bad thing.

  Alex only ever wanted me.

  Jax and I don’t really talk much after that.

  I stumble up to my apartment, head spinning with mostly good things thanks to the fact that I’m still a little drunk, but a few bad ones, too.

  Mainly watching Alex walk out without coming back.

  Mainly thinking about Eli holding me underwater.

  I let myself into the apartment, close the door at my back. It’s quiet, and I think about blasting my music when I get to bed. I head toward my room, jangling my keys. When the drugs hit my system, I’ll be fine. I’ll be strong. I’ll be brave and everything that happened all those weeks ago will be fine.

  “Zara.”

  Kylie’s voice shatters my invincibility. I come to a stop, halfway to my room. It’s completely dark in the apartment, just the lights from the microwave and the time on the stove glowing green.

  I turn my head in the direction of her voice, make out a shadow on the couch.

  Fuck. I thought she was gone for the weekend. For the week, actually, because fall break starts Monday.

  “Kylie, what are you—”

  “Alex called me.”

  My stomach churns, my high dropping. I think about Eli. He wasn’t lying. He wasn’t fucking lying about that. “Why the fuck—”

  “He told me where you’ve been. He wanted me to make sure you were okay.”

  How does he fucking know?

  And then I think about Jax asking for my phone.

  That mother fucker. They’ve all betrayed me.

  Kylie clears her throat and I see her stand to her feet. “Zara, I think you need some help.”

  I drop my keys to the floor with a clatter and turn to face her fully. In the dark, it’s easier to tell her exactly what I think about Alex fucking Cardi and her in my business. And her as a person, while I’m at it. If she isn’t going to be on my side, then fuck her. I thought we were friends.

  “Alex and I aren’t together. I’m not his problem, and what I do isn’t his business anymore.” I take a step toward her. “Or yours, Kylie.”

  Silence.

  I think I can hear her breathing. Or maybe that’s me, I don’t know.

  And then she flicks on the light in the living room and I stumble back, shielding my eyes. Fuck, that’s bright.

  I blink a few times, lower my arm. Kylie has mascara streaked down her cheeks, a tissue balled up in her hand. I didn’t even know she wore mascara. I have no idea why the fuck she’s crying.

  She’s wearing fuzzy long pants and a hot pink t-shirt, which is so unlike her usual sensible, matching pajamas.

  “Kylie?” My voice comes out as a croak. In the light, I almost regret what I said to her.

  Almost.

  I think about Alex and my heart aches. I remember him walking out. He had no right to leave me.

  I clutch a hand to my chest.

  Kylie’s red-rimmed eyes track the movement and she sniffs, brushing the tissue over her nose. “Oh, Zara...” Her shoulders shake.

  Alex’s eyes.

  His gorgeous eyes.

  The way Eli set me up.

  Eli fucked with my head and he set me up.

  “Zara. What have you done?” Kylie asks.

  I shake my head, shaking off the memory, too.

  “Zara,” Kylie sobs again, stepping toward me.

  I take a step back. “No.” I close my eyes and say it again, “No. I’m fucking fine.”

  Kylie comes closer. I can feel her in front of me. Hear her sniffle. “Zara. Alex said you...”

  I clamp my hands over my ears. “I fucked them both.” I say it again, and again, and again. “I fucked them, I fucked them, I fucked them.”

  Kylie pulls me into a hug, and I drop my hands, sagging against her. This is the end of it.

  Everything laid bare.

  This is the end.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I whisper into her shoulder as she holds me, the sweet scent of her raspberry-scented shampoo filling my nostrils. “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter.”

  “Zara...”

  “Alex can go fuck himself.” My voice cracks, and I feel tears pricking behind my eyes, but I close them tight. No, no, no. He tried to drown me. He embarrassed me. He slipped a pill into my mouth.

  He hurt me.

  God, he hurt me so bad.

  He almost made me think I deserved love. He almost made me love myself.

  “Alex can fuck off,” I whisper, letting the tears spill down my cheeks as Kylie tightens her grip on me. “He thinks I’m crazy. He thinks I’m a slut. He...he...”

  “He cares about you.” Kylie’s voice is a whisper and I feel my heart ache at her words, but I shake my head against her shoulder. She doesn’t know that. She warned me away from him. She doesn’t know him. She doesn’t know me, either. She has no idea.

  “No. He hates...he hates me...”

  “This isn’t about him, Za,” Kylie whispers, stroking my hair. “It’s not about him.”

  I swallow down the lump in my throat.

  “This isn’t about Alex or Eli...”

  He told her. That motherfucker told her.

  I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, my chin trembling. “I don’t understand...”

  I hear the door to the apartment open. Cold air gusts in.

  The door shuts.

  I try to pull out of Kylie’s grip as I open my eyes. Footsteps come closer.

  “This isn’t about them,” Kylie says again, still holding me.

  “This is about you, princess,” Alex’s quiet voice says from the dark hall.

  “I’m so sorry,” Kylie whispers, finally pulling back but not dropping her hands from my shoulders. “I’m so sorry but—”

  “I’m not.” Alex’s dark gaze is locked on mine.

  “You let him in here.” The words are little more than a whisper.

  Kylie squeezes my shoulder. “I’m sorry but—”

  I lift my hands, knocking hers off me as I turn to face Alex. “You let him in here. You don’t even know him! You let him—”

  “Shut up, Zara. You sound like a fucking child,” Alex snaps.

  Kylie turns to glare at him, and a laugh bubbles up from my throat.

  “Oh, you think that’s bad?” I snort.

  Alex takes a step toward me.

  “Oh, Kylie. You have no fucking idea what Alex is like. You warned me about him yourself!”

  “He said he wanted to help—”

  Alex gets up in my face. “I am helping her,” he cuts Kylie off. “You’re not leaving here until I know you’re fucking done with those pills, Zara. Until you get your shit together. Until I stop hearing how you’re slipping out of your chair in class and you’re walking around in a fucking fog and even your dealer is worried about you.”

  I laugh again, on the verge of hysterics. I wipe the back of my hand over my eyes and stand on my tiptoes. “And you think you’re actually going to keep me here in my own fucking apartment? You’re as dumb as you fucking look.”

  He looks like he wants to punch me in the face and I kind of want him to.

  “Zara,” says Kylie.

  I turn to glare at her, pointing my finger in her face. “You fucking did this. You set me up. You backstabbing—”

  Alex grabs my finger and yanks it down, twisting it as he does. Then he backs me up against the counter, dropping my hand and caging his hands on either side of me. �
��You’re filthy, Zara. I’m fucking done with you. But I refuse to let you destroy yourself. I won’t have that on my conscience.”

  I push against his chest. “What fucking conscience?”

  He scrubs his hand over his jaw, places his hand back on the counter beside me. “Funny, Zara, considering last time I saw you, you were getting pumped full of my best friend’s—”

  “Enough!” Kylie snaps, coming to stand beside us and pushing Alex away from me. His jaw ticks but he doesn’t break my gaze even as he drops his hands. “Just leave her alone, okay? Give me some time with her.”

  “I’m right fucking here. You don’t need to talk about me like I’m—”

  “Shut. The fuck. Up!”

  I flinch, startled as I look up into Alex’s eyes, his face a mask of fury.

  “I’m not leaving you alone with anyone.” He shoots a glare at Kylie whose eyes harden. I underestimated my roommate. She’s tougher than I thought, which right now, is not good for me.

  But it’s Alex that keeps talking. “I’m not fucking leaving you until you’ve got your shit straightened out.”

  I laugh, rolling my eyes, trying to recover from momentary fear. “You gonna skip all your classes? Miss out on all your fucking football parties and your practice and your—”

  “You might’ve forgotten, because you’re too busy using your cunt as a Hoover, but fall break starts Monday, princess.”

  Kylie’s face turns an alarming shade of red, but she doesn’t hesitate to jump to my defense. “If you’re going to be staying in our apartment, you cannot talk to her like that!”

  Alex smiles. It sends a chill down my spine. “You got it, Ms. Jones. I’ll be sure to speak to her exactly how she deserves.”

  Kylie’s voice shakes with fury when she says, “Alex, I’m leaving tomorrow. If you can’t watch out for her like you claimed to want to, I’ll take her with me, and you can—”

  “I’m done with both of you.” I turn to go, headed straight for the front door. I’m not a child. I’m not an addict. I’m fucking fine and these two assholes just want to blow my high.

  Maybe I’ve got a small problem. But it’s nothing I can’t deal with myself. Fuck them both. Surely Alex has better things to do than babysit. I am not his problem. And he’s pissed I fucked his roommate, but he has no right.

  He has no fucking right to be mad.

  Fuck him.

  I don’t want him.

  I don’t want anyone.

  I just want to be alone.

  I unlock the door and just as I’m about to pull it open, Alex slaps his hand against it. “You’re not leaving, princess.”

  “I swear to God, I’ll call the police if you don’t let me—”

  “Please do.” He steps toward me, backing me into a corner by the door. “Please fucking do call the police, so they can see how drunk you are right now. So I can show them the shit you kept in a goddamn tampon box—”

  I slap him.

  I don’t think, I just do it.

  “You had no fucking right!” I slap him again. He works his jaw, turns back to face me, teeth clenched. “You had no fucking right to go through my shit! Do you know how much that shit costs—”

  “If you start fucking your dealer, too, Za, you should get a pretty good discount, huh? Or is your pussy not that good anymore?”

  Again, I raise my hand to slap him, and again, he lets me. My hand hurts, the sound echoes in the apartment and Kylie gasps somewhere behind Alex’s big frame.

  “Do it one more time,” he tells me, his voice low. “I dare you.”

  “Zara, don’t,” Kylie says, pleading with me.

  But I do. Or at least, I try to. The rage is blowing my fucking high. I’m ready to fucking scratch Alex Cardi’s face off.

  But he stops me.

  He grabs my arm, forces me further against the wall, my head knocking against it, his grip on my arm painful. Kylie is calling his name, but he ignores her, getting in my face, his eyes dark pools of anger in the dim light spooling in from under the apartment door.

  “I won’t let you kill yourself. You don’t deserve the fucking rest.”

  He pins my other arm up against the wall as I try to shove him away.

  “Eli never gave a fuck about you, and goddamn, I wish I could say the same, but I do, Zara. I fucking do.”

  “That’s not—”

  “Eli doesn’t love you. He’s sick, just like you. But I fucking love you just as much as I hate you, and I won’t let you get worse. Now,” he leans his body against mine, and I hold my breath, “I’m staying here with you this entire week. You can make it easy, or you can make it hard. But if you try to leave without me, I’ll fucking call your mom and she will cut you off. Do you understand?”

  No.

  I swallow down my anger, trying to work a different angle. Screaming at Alex won’t get me what I want. It’ll just make him louder. Worse.

  He has no right to be mad but telling him that again won’t help me now. And if he doesn’t let me leave this apartment, if he really took all my shit I can’t survive that.

  I open my eyes and relax against the hold he has on me.

  He relaxes too, but he’s watching me suspiciously. Skeptically. I know he doesn’t trust me any more than I trust him.

  He doesn’t step back and he doesn’t let me go, but I didn’t expect him to.

  “It’s not what you think,” I finally say, keeping my tone even. I see his brow furrow, I see him ready to argue, so I keep going, my words quick but soft. “I’m not an addict. Not like you think.” There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because what I’m saying is true and I don’t want to give it to him. I don’t want to feel this vulnerable, but I have to. I need to tell him some truths, so he’ll leave me alone. So he won’t fuck everything up for me. “I’m not addicted. I just…I just feel so weird and alone, and my brain is a fucking mess and the pills help me feel alive. But I know how to live without them.” I swallow down that little lie and hope Alex does too. “I know how, I just thought I’d go out with a bang my senior year and then get my shit together.” I laugh a little, because when I say it out loud, it does sound ridiculously stupid. “I realize that’s not going to work.”

  He loosens his grip on me, but still doesn’t let go completely.

  “I don’t…I don’t want Eli.”

  His eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything.

  “I never wanted him.” My voice breaks.

  “That was my fucking best friend,” Alex seethes, as if I don’t know. As if I don’t see just how screwed up everything is. How screwed up Eli is. How screwed up I am. “How could you? How fucking…could you?” His voice breaks, his hold weakening. He presses his forehead to mine and I smell him, feel him. It’s overwhelming, him being so close to me after so long we’ve had apart. “How the fuck could you, Zara?” His words are soft, broken.

  I swallow down the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” But there’s something more pressing, something more important. “I’m sorry but you can take the pills. You can take everything. There’s even a stash in my shoebox that I’ll—”

  Alex pulls back, taking a deep breath, composing himself. “I already got it.”

  I fight down the flash of anger, and just take a deep breath instead. “Right, well, you can take it all. I’ll stay here, in this apartment, but you don’t need to give up your fall break to stay with me.” I stare into his eyes, pleading. “I need to be alone. I need space to think. I could even go home, to see my mom.”

  He looks at me for a long moment, his face unreadable. He doesn’t drop my gaze and I find it almost hard to keep my eyes on his. To not look away. To not cower, because I’m full of shit. But he can’t see that. He doesn’t know me like he thinks he does. If he thinks Eli is bad, he’s got no fucking clue how I am.

  Kylie doesn’t know me either. We really just became friends, and that was all bullshit too, because I didn’t tell her any truths and she kept shit fro
m me.

  “Yeah,” Alex finally says, and I feel relief start to spread like a warm blanket over my limbs. He lets go of one of my arms, brushes his thumb over his lip and steps back, finally dropping my other arm. My knees feel weak with gratitude, that he bought the lie.

  But then he slides his hands into the pockets of his sweats and says it again, “Yeah.” He blows out a breath. “Here’s the thing, princess. You’re full of pretty words. But I know you’re full of shit, too. I know, because this isn’t my first fucking rodeo with girls like you.” He reaches a hand from his pocket, strokes my cheek.

  His fucking mother.

  The touch is tender, despite his words.

  It makes tears prick behind my eyes and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because I’m trapped or because of something else…

  I don’t know.

  I just don’t know.

  “I can’t promise you much after this, but I can promise I’m going to take care of you, princess.” And then he presses his lips to my forehead. “And you’re not leaving this apartment until you’re better, because I will not fucking let you destroy your life.”

  I try to shove him away, but he grabs my arms.

  I try to move, to pull myself free from his grip while Kylie watches, her hand over her mouth, silent.

  “Let. Me. Go!” I scream at him, trying to get to the door. But he’s so much stronger than me and he doesn’t let go.

  “Let me fucking go!” I scream again, at the top of my lungs. He spins me around, pulls my back to his chest and covers my mouth with his hand.

  “Relax,” he whispers in my ear. His voice is still so broken, it gives me pause. It’s so broken and I hear the grief in his tone. “Just relax, princess. I’ll take care of you. Just don’t fight me, please. Please don’t.”

  His words linger in my head long after he pulls me to bed. Long after I give up the fight for tonight. Long after Kylie leaves with a warning for Alex that if he hurts me, she’ll call the police herself.

  Long after he takes off my shoes and my clothes and offers me his own shirt. Long after he pulls my back against his chest and wraps his strong arms around me.

  “Don’t fight me. Please don’t fight me.”