Chasing the Sun

by Melanie Hooyenga

  “I don’t think so, but we should be quiet just in case.”

  Odds are more than a few people figured out where we snuck off to, but having an idea and actually catching us in the act are two very different things. I kiss the edge of her jaw. “I can be quiet.”

  She breathes out a laugh. “Is that a challenge?” Before I can stop her, she slips her fingers inside my jeans and kisses me so deeply my senses nearly explode. The voices drift away, and soon I’m at her mercy.

  29

  Sage

  An animal snuffling outside the tent wakes me up, and a deep sense of wrong snaps me awake. Wrong bed. Wrong tent. Wrong shapes in the sky above. The sleeping bag covering me smells like boy, and the boy snuggled next to me definitely smells like boy. Neb’s bare arm rests on my hip—which is still covered with my underwear—and the buttons of his flannel are mismatched up my chest. I reach for his phone plugged in at the foot of the bed. It’s not even five AM. We should be okay.

  “What time is it?” His voice is scratchy with sleep and he smiles when I roll back into his arms.

  “Too early for anyone to be up yet.” It’s still too dark to see much more than the shape of his face, but I stare into his eyes anyway. My heart rate picks up when he strokes the side of my face and my eyes close on their own. His gentle touch throws me back to last night, when his hands had no limits and I allowed myself to completely let go. Part of me was a tiny bit afraid that this morning I’d regret hooking up. That he’d change once he got what he wanted. But he seems as happy to be here as I am.

  He whispers in my ear, his lips tickling my skin. “So you don’t have to go yet?”

  I shake my head against him, and his lips move down my throat to the spot where his flannel rests against my chest. My hands find their way over his strong back to the elastic of his boxer briefs, but I keep my hands on the outside this time.

  “You did a terrible job buttoning this.” He plants kisses over my chest after each word.

  I laugh into his hair. “It was dark and I was cold.”

  He unfastens the top button and breathes against my skin. “You don’t feel cold now.” His tongue sears a trail over my breast as he unbuttons it the rest of the way.

  Nope, I’m definitely not cold now.

  He shifts so his body covers me and I pull his head toward mine. When our mouths connect, his bare chest presses against mine and all I want is more. More of him and his skilled hands and his mouth that’s devouring me. His hips settle between my legs and I break the kiss. “Still no on the sex.”

  “Me too,” he whispers back. “And this can just be kissing. I love how you feel but…”

  “We don’t want to get busted.” Because if I get lost in him like I did last night I most definitely won’t hear anyone approaching.

  “Yeah.” He kisses me again, but the urgency from a moment ago is gone. His lips are still firm, insistent, but his tongue stays in his mouth, giving me a chance to cool off.

  I let out a sigh. “I should probably go.”

  “Five more minutes.” He shifts onto his side and pulls me against his chest.

  “I didn’t peg you for a cuddler.” Which isn’t necessarily true, but making a joke is easier than admitting how much I’m already starting to care for him. And how much it scares me.

  “Only for five minutes.” He snorts, and I burst out laughing. He presses his hand over my mouth and a fit of giggles builds inside me. “Shhhhhh….” he whispers as I shake in his arms. “Don’t make me kiss you again.”

  My eyes challenge him. “Ha, ha ha ha ha ha.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  This kiss is hot, unconstrained, and I pour all of myself into it. I end up on top of him, straddling his hips, and the feel of him against me makes me want to throw out all the rules.

  And he seems to feel the same way.

  He sits up so we’re chest to chest, me in his lap with my legs wrapped around him, his full length pressed where I want him most. He moves beneath me, rocking slowly, and I drop my head to his shoulder.

  “This is bad…” I whisper.

  “It doesn’t feel bad.” His lips move down my neck to my collarbone and my back arches on its own, exposing myself to him.

  “Okay, not bad. But we need to stop.”

  With that one word, he lifts his head. “I know.” He kisses me once more on the mouth, then pulls me into a hug. “There’s plenty of time for this.” His heart pounds against my chest and I try to memorize everything about this moment. The feel of his skin on mine, the way his fingers loop lazy patterns on my back, the traces of sunlight streaking across the sky.

  I straighten. “The sun’s rising.”

  “Shit.”

  I scramble off him and race to put on my clothes. He gets dressed too, and he unzips the door and starts to step outside. “What are you doing?”

  “Making sure no one’s out there.” He pokes his head out of the tent and looks around. “All clear.” Then he kisses my forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Are you going back to sleep?”

  He glances at his jeans, which barely hold in his erection. “Doubtful.”

  “You can’t see mine, but I’m right there with you.”

  He laughs, then swats my butt and shoos me out the door.

  The campsite is deserted, but smoke rises from the firepit nearby. I can’t tell if it’s still lingering from last night or started this morning, so I hustle to the bathroom instead of my tent. As long as no one saw me leave Neb’s tent, they’ll think I was where I belong.

  After I pee, I study myself in the mirror. My lips are a little swollen from kissing, but otherwise nothing about me screams ‘I hooked up last night.’ I bend forward to splash water on my face and the door creaks as someone comes in.

  “There you are!” Naomi’s accusing voice echoes in the tile bathroom and I about jump out of my skin.

  “Where did you come from?”

  She approaches me and stops a foot away with her arms crossed over her chest, scowling. Her flannel rubber-duckie-print pants detract from her serious expression, but I hold in my smile. “I’ve been searching the campground all night.”

  “Funny, I didn’t hear anyone shouting my name.”

  “Nah, I was sleeping like a baby in my private tent until about three minutes ago.” She fist bumps my shoulder. “Thanks for that.”

  A smirk lifts the corner of my mouth. “It was all for you.”

  “So he didn’t scream your name?”

  I push her back. “Oh my god. You’re awful.” My face heats as water drips from my chin. I pat it with my sleeve.

  “So that’s a no?”

  “No.”

  “No screaming your name, or no screaming?”

  I shake my head and turn back to the mirror. “Negative on my name.”

  “Oooooooooh,” she sighs. “Do I get details?”

  “Also no.” But the shit-eating grin that covers my face gives everything away.

  “That’s enough for me. Now wait for me while I pee.”

  Once we’re back in the tent, I change into leggings and crawl into my sleeping bag, but I can’t stop thinking about Neb. Everything about him seems real and so far nothing about him has triggered any warning bells, but my brain refuses to accept that I deserve happiness. That despite the amazing night we had together, I’m too damaged, too broken for him.

  Naomi’s phone buzzes from between our heads. “Ugh.”

  “What ugh?”

  “It’s for you.” She tosses her phone on my chest and I read the text.

  Neb: can Sage borrow your phone?

  “Do you mind?” I ask, already pulling it under the covers.

  “No sexting.”

  “I promise.”

  “Don’t forget I can read it later,” Naomi whispers, half asleep.

  Me: this is Sage

  Neb: I can’t sleep

  Me: me neither

  I snuggle against the
pillow, the familiarity of texting him washing over me.

  Me: what are you most excited about today?

  Neb: seeing you

  Me: haha

  Neb: okay, I’m really geeked for today

  Me: I’m glad I get to see it with you

  Neb: you sure you won’t get bored? my scientist head might explode

  Me: I’ll make sure you keep your shit together

  Neb: I appreciate it

  As we settle into our banter, my brain tries to reconcile the Neb I texted for weeks before this trip with the one I spent the night with. He acts the same in person as he does in texts—thoughtful, funny, and geekily adorable—and I hate that part of me fears he’s trying to manipulate me. So I try to quiet the tiny voice warning to be careful and let myself enjoy him. Enjoy being happy.

  When we hear people outside, Naomi and I grab our towels and shower stuff and head back to the bathroom. In the shower, flashes of my night come back to me and I flush beneath the warm water. I turn down the water temperature as I rinse my hair, and when I step out of the shower, Naomi’s already getting dressed.

  “You’re not drying your hair?”

  “You are?”

  I’m not usually one to fuss over my appearance, but I don’t want to look like a drowned rat now that I actually have someone to impress.

  Naomi rolls her eyes and sets her bag on the long counter along the wall. “I’ll wait.”

  I shoot her a smile. “Thanks.”

  We can’t talk over the blow-dryer without shouting, so she makes silly faces at me in the mirror until I finish. “He won’t be able to keep his hands off you,” she says as we step outside.

  “That’s not why—”

  She stops me with a hand on my arm. “Sage, it’s okay to want to look nice. There’s a big difference between doing something because a guy gaslights you into thinking you have to and simply, I don’t know, making an effort because you like a boy.”

  Tears spring to my eyes and I blink them away. “I wish I had listened to you sooner.”

  “I do too. But you can’t change the past. All you can do is vow to never repeat the same mistakes.”

  I hold up a hand like I’m taking an oath. “I vow to always listen to my best friend from here forward.”

  “Not what I meant, but I’ll take it.” She raises her hand for a high five but we freeze with our hands mid-air as Tara appears from behind a tent.

  “I’ve got your back,” Naomi whispers.

  “You don’t need to have my back.”

  “I don’t know.”

  But Tara just smirks as she passes.

  I’m okay with that. It’s better than her intentionally being mean. Maybe things really are sorting themselves out.

  People move around at the campsite as we approach, so I don’t think much of the sound of someone running up behind us until a hand grabs my arm and whirls me around.

  “What the—”

  Pax holds my arm like he’s afraid I’ll float away and the panic in his eyes plummets me to a place I thought I’d left forever. Where everything I do and say and think is wrong. Where I mess up without thinking and have to scramble to convince him I didn’t do it on purpose, that I was trying to be thoughtful helpful considerate but I didn’t get it right. Or I didn’t know what he wanted. But I’m sorry. Sorry sorry sorry.

  Naomi doesn’t go to that place. She yanks his hand off me and steps between us. “You were asked to leave.” Not, why are you here or what do you want, because those don’t matter to her. The firmness of her stance and lock of her jaw makes him stutter.

  “I—I was worried.” He looks around her to me and she shifts to block his view. “Sage, you—you disappeared.”

  “Nope, she’s right here.”

  Something icky and uncertain tickles in my gut. Early in our relationship, I missed curfew and got grounded for the entire weekend. My dad not only took my phone, he turned it off, and when I finally got it back Sunday night there were over a hundred messages from Pax. At the time I thought it was sweet that he missed me. By the time I realized how controlling he was, I was in too deep to escape.

  He moves around Naomi and reaches for my hand, but she pushes him away. “You try that again and I scream,” she says.

  He shoves his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, and the unease rolling through me lessens. He can’t do anything to me here. Correction, he can’t do anything to me ever again. And not because Naomi is here. I won’t let him.

  “What do you want, Pax?” I ask, trying my hardest to make my voice sound bored, to not let him know that his tentacles can still reach me.

  “Did something happen to your phone?”

  “Why?” The niggling worry sneaks its way back into my belly. Something isn’t right. And it’s bigger than him showing up here to check on me.

  His eyes slide over me in a way that used to make me feel special but now makes me feel dirty. Exposed. “What’s wrong with your phone?” A hint of anger laces his words and Naomi stands taller between us.

  “Back. Off. You. Loser.”

  But I can’t help myself. “Why are you asking about my phone?”

  “I couldn’t find you.” His gaze drops to the ground. “I got worried.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I reach for my back pocket, where my phone would normally be, but it’s in my tent. Broken. But he doesn’t need to know that. Refusing him this small detail about myself—even if it’s just my phone—feels important and significant.

  But then the sinking dread returns. “Wait. Why would you be able to find me?” Queasiness washes through me. When we were together, he insisted on knowing where I was at all times so I shared my location with him through my phone. And I never turned it off when we broke up. I lower my voice. “Are you still tracking me?” I step closer so my shoulder is tight against Naomi’s. “Is that why you’re here?” Pinpricks of fury race through me and I fight to control my breathing as he violates me all over again.

  His gaze flicks away for a moment, then his dark eyes lock on mine. There was a time when nothing could drag my gaze from his when he looked at me like this—at first out of desire and later out of fear—but he no longer has that hold on me. Those complicated emotions are replaced with a furious urge to lash out at him. To push slap claw his chest and face and arms until he feels as helpless as I once did.

  I hold my ground. He can’t do anything to me now.

  “I was worried,” he says again.

  “You lost the right to worry about me.” I point a finger at his chest but stop before making contact. I’m strong, but I don’t know how strong. “Now leave, before I call the police and tell them you’re stalking me.” Never mind that my phone is unusable.

  He opens his mouth like he wants to say something but I snap my fingers together in front of his face, his old way of telling me to stop speaking.

  “Go,” I say, my voice louder. “Forget I exist.”

  His mouth opens with a retort but Naomi stops him. “Don’t make her say it again.”

  He looks between us, a flash of confusion creasing his brow and darkening the face that was once my universe. Then the lines smooth out and his soft, forgiving, apologetic face appears. “Sage, you know I only do this because I care about you. I would never do anything to hurt you.”

  My fists ball at my side and all the frustration and anger inside me erupts in a shout that comes from the strong girl buried deep inside of me. “Get away from me! You aren’t welcome here and I never want to see you or hear your voice again!” My breath comes in ragged gasps and spots dance in my eyes.

  Mr. Mauro and Ms. Kim come running up, trailed quickly by Neb and what seems like half the campsite. “Is there a problem here?” Mr. Mauro asks, all traces of his normally friendly tone gone.

  “Just your everyday stalking, no bigs,” says Naomi.

  Mr. Mauro straightens and steps between me and Pax. “Sage, are you okay? What’s going on?”

  My bluster
deflates a little now that the cavalry has arrived. “I was asking him to leave.”

  He faces Pax, his jaw twitching. “Mr. Juarez, you don’t seem to be welcome here, and as you’re no longer a student at our school, it’s not appropriate for you to be here.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “I can’t make you leave the campsite, but—"

  Tara rushes up and grabs Pax’s arm. “He came to see me. I don’t know what she told you, but they broke up months ago and she’s been stringing him along.”

  “Believe me, I want nothing to do with him.”

  “Regardless,” Ms. Kim says. “Pax, you’re not a student and you don’t have permission to be on this trip. You need to go.”

  For a moment, Pax’s eyes lock on mine and it’s like we’re the only ones here. But for the first time since freshman year, I’m able to look away.

  After what feels like eons, he finally turns and walks toward his car.

  Hands grip my shoulders and I twist away before I realize it’s Naomi. Tears shine in her eyes, but the look on her face is full of pride. As quickly as it came, the adrenaline flees my body and I nearly collapse on the ground.

  “I’m proud of you,” she says, stroking my hair. “I don’t fully understand the dynamic between you two, but that’s the strongest I’ve ever seen you.”

  “I don’t feel strong.”

  She nods. “Superhero strong.”

  Ms. Kim steps in front of me. “Are you all right?”

  I nod, blinking away tears.

  “I’m here if you need to talk. And if he shows up again, you come get me or Mr. Mauro.”

  “It’s really not a big—”

  She holds up a hand. “Yes it is. We take your safety very seriously.” She watches me until I nod, then gives me a soft smile. “Let’s go eat.”

  Activity from the campsite comes back into focus. The scent of bacon cooking nearby, whispered conversations from around the fire, and Neb standing near his tent, watching us. The look of concern on his face nearly undoes me.

  Naomi nudges me toward him. “Go talk to your boy.”

  The voice in my head insists I need a Wonder Woman moment and should pump my fist and congratulate myself for standing up to Pax. I don’t know if I’m ready for that, but I push back my shoulders and hold my head high as I approach Neb. My confidence wavers the closer I get.