Nan's Journey

by Elaine Littau

  “Well Sam, you have been gone so long, I thought that you might have just decided to stay away. You didn’t write or try to get word to me. You haven’t been home for months.”

  “Get over here!”

  Mary gingerly walked over to Sam. She was almost afraid to look him in the eye. She didn’t know exactly what kind of mood he was in. Things certainly were a lot less complicated when he was gone.

  As Mary came across the room, Sam was struck with the subtle changes in her. Maybe he would wait a while before taking action, if any, on the news that she gave him today. She had a softer, more feminine look about her. He noticed that her eyes were a deep shade of blue, like the calico dress she wore. Her sunbonnet had slipped to expose her brown hair. It was different. It looked good and she smelled like vanilla. “Mary, I am very hungry and couldn’t find anything in the makings. I want dinner now.”

  Mary thought better than to answer him with a strong retort. Actually, he had never been this kind to her. “How about some sourdough biscuits and gravy? I’ll fix a proper supper by sundown.”

  “Sounds good to me.” Sam was amazed that she took his order so casually. Maybe having a wife at home to take care of him was better than memory served.

  *****

  Mary woke up before daybreak to the sound of Sam’s snoring. She was strangely glad to have him back and yes, even in her bed. There was a comfort in having a man around that defies description. He had held her close just a moment after the act of marriage. There was almost tenderness in it.

  Mary could only hope that things wouldn’t deteriorate like they had before he left to see about his mother. He had the ability to be extremely cruel. He had made a comment about the fact that she was an old maid when he “rescued” her from spinsterhood. She had answered him back angrily and told him that she had another offer of marriage a few years back. When Sam found out that her intended had run off with her younger cousin who was established better financially, he laughed at her and mocked her because she obviously was still nursing a broken heart.

  Mary was so angry that she slapped his face. He then punched her so hard that she lost her breath. That was the first time he took a hand to her. He had started calling her names and making her feel degraded.

  Somehow, since his return she was in his good graces. She was going to have to watch her step and be sure to keep from upsetting him. She smiled when she thought of the conversation they had when he first got home and how she had matched wits with him. He seemed to like that.

  She would try to be interesting to him. Maybe she would be fortunate enough to have a child. No one would ever call her a spinster again. She turned toward Sam and fell back to sleep watching him as he snored.

  In two short hours Mary awoke for the day. She studied her face in the glass as she brushed her long brown hair. There were plenty of women who were much better looking than she was, but there were many more that were not.

  She decided that she fit somewhere in the middle. The excitement of Sam’s being home again had brought some color into her cheeks and the daily administration of cow medicine and salve to her hands and face had softened the ruddy completion.

  She had not realized that taking pains on her appearance gave her a more pleasing countenance and that practicing her manners, choice of words, and voice inflection were making a notable difference in her overall feminine appeal.

  She donned the same new blue calico print dress that she wore upon Sam’s homecoming. She usually wore one of her old dresses when she was at home, but somehow she felt more confident in her new dress. Her eyes sparkled just a little as she started frying eggs and sausage in the pan.

  She placed some biscuits into the oven just as Sam made his way to the table and pulled his chair out to sit down. She brought him a cup and poured the fragrant coffee into it. She put the sugar bowl on the table with his teaspoon. “Sam, I remember that you like a little sugar in your coffee and no cream. Is that still to your liking?”

  Sam paused his spoon in mid flight to the sugar bowl and wondered just who this woman was that was living in his house. She certainly didn’t sound like the Mary Dewey that he had left some seven months ago. The old Mary put a meal on as if she were slopping hogs or something. “Yep, that’ll do.” He had to be careful or she would get the upper hand on him. A smile slipped to his lips before he could squelch it. Man, it was good to be married again. He had forgotten how much enjoyment a man could acquire in the arms of a wife. He mustn’t let it go to his head or she would be able to wrap him around her little finger.

  One thing about Mary, she was a healthy woman with no recollection of a wonderful dead husband. She ought to be able to give him the son that he wanted. The “namesake” was necessary for him to obtain his inheritance from his father.

  Clarence Dewey had specifically stated in his will that not one penny would be left to Sam until a son was born to him and named Clarence Samuel Dewey III. It didn’t hurt that the tide had turned and she appeared to be more agreeable and even a sight better to look at than she had been.

  He would keep her in line though. A well-landed punch could do the trick. He would have to not hit her in the stomach until after the boy child had been born and now that she was into the society… well, there were other ways to keep control of a sassy wife.

  Mary saw the smile cross his face and blushed to think of what probably put it there. She smiled too.

  She was very glad that she still had all of her teeth and could smile a full, happy smile. “It is true, you do get a lot more flies with honey that with vinegar! We’ll see how far this ‘killing with kindness’ will take me.’” Mary thought as she put the eggs and sausage onto their plates.

  This was a sight better than the complaining and grunting mornings of the past. Maybe Sam was like the townspeople. The smile reappeared. People are such fools, you don’t even have to mean it, just act like you like them and they fall for it every time! The memory of the last beating Sam gave her was enough to keep this playacting going indefinitely.

  Maybe she could learn to love him. She had sworn never to love another man again after Lester had run off with Cousin Mildred, but she deserved happiness if she could latch onto some. She smelled the biscuits baking and knew that it was time to get them out before they were too brown or burned altogether for goodness sake! They were perfect. What luck! Sam would never believe this. After the satisfying breakfast, Sam made his way to the barn and began the work of a farmer while Mary cleaned the kitchen and was so thankful to only have to do “woman’s work.”

  Today was washday, so she changed into her oldest dress and began heating the wash water on the old wood stove. She dug through Sam’s bedroll and found a wad of filthy clothes and long-handle underwear. She rifled through the pockets of his pants and got out his pocketknife and various other odds and ends that men always carried.

  His pocket watch was in the watch pocket. She opened it and saw the image of his mother. Maybe one day he would care enough of her to put her photograph in his watch. That was a lost cause. He loved his mother to a fault. Mary had never been privileged enough to meet the “Sainted Mother” of Sam Dewey. Just take one step at a time, Mary. This is hard enough for now.

  Chapter 14

  Nan grew stronger with every passing day. Her eyes had only traces of black in the inside corners, and the swelling was all but gone. Fred watched her with concern across his brow. How could one so young endure so much physical abuse in her short life? He was glad that he had married her so he could protect her, and for that matter, Elmer too. Elmer was suffering more since the attack.

  The headaches were cruel and lingering. Elmer had suffered four days solid before he had a short time of relief. Nan tended to him with camphor and cool wet rags. Fred knew that he had to get Elmer off the mountain to see a doctor before long, but he was afraid that his and Nan’s health was too fragile for the trip. He had made up his mind to take them to Denver to see a top-notch doctor as soon as th
ey could stand it if the doctor at Trinidad didn’t have any answers for him.

  Silent tears traced the smooth tanned checks as he lay in the dark making the plans to go. Nan cried out in her sleep and awakened him. She gave muffled cries throughout the days since he had found her and brought her home. She slept a lot; it was as if she were avoiding being awake at all. Of course the poor kid was worn out because of the lack of sleep and taking care of Elmer. Fred had not let her do any work around the place until she healed up. Maybe he had been wrong not to let her keep busy, but he was afraid that the strain might just kill her. She spoke in quiet, reassuring tones to Elmer, but no words for Fred.

  She was jumpy all the time. If an owl or coyote called, she was on edge. What was he going to do to help her? Finally, just before daybreak, he knew what he would have to do. She felt defenseless. He had let her down by not being there when she needed him. He would give her the means to defend herself. He climbed out of bed and put his woolen pants over his long johns and donned his red wool shirt and suspenders.

  “Nan, wake up. We have a big day today!”

  Nan slowly opened her eyes and looked at Fred with dead eyes. “Elmer needs more sleep; he fretted all night last night. I think this one must be a real bad one.”

  “That’s alright, Nan, we can let Elmer sleep. I need to talk to you.”

  Nan avoided Fred’s eyes. The blue orbs seemed to see all the way to her soul. Her soul felt dirty and bruised and unfit to be examined. “Is everything alright?”

  “No, Nan. Everything isn’t alright.” If she had looked up at him she would have seen the glint of a tear on his face. “I know how you are feeling.”

  “How could you know how I am feeling? I don’t know how I am feeling. I feel dead inside. I feel abandoned by …God… man…you…my mama… papa…” She covered her face with her hands and she sobbed uncontrollably.

  Fred didn’t want to scare her so he didn’t know whether to put his hand on her shoulder or not. He wanted to comfort her. He decided to put as much comfort in his words as he could muster, “Nan, I failed you and Elmer. I wasn’t here. You know why I left, but I shouldn’t have left you defenseless. I intend to see that you will never be in that condition again. I am going to teach you how to defend yourself.”

  Nan stopped crying and took a long deep breath. Sobs were still wracking her small frame. She looked up at him and saw the determined look in his eyes and also the traces the tears had made on his cheeks. She knew that he meant what he said. “What do you have in mind?”

  “I was going to teach both you and Elmer how to shoot this shotgun, but I don’t think Elmer is really strong enough. I will have to wait to teach him until he is feeling better. I have been watching you and I know that you are scared to death of those two men who are still out there.”

  Nan began to cry and twisted her handkerchief in her hands. Just the mention of those men made her blood run cold.

  “I’m sorry, but we both know what you have been thinking. You are afraid that what happened could happen again or that they might kill you and Elmer next time. I intend for you to be able to defend yourself.”

  Nan nodded, “Yes, Fred, I want to learn. I will try my best.”

  “I have a rifle, but I think the shotgun would serve you best. It has a kick to it, but it also has two shots. That way you won’t have to reload if you miss or if both of them come at you.”

  Nan swallowed hard. Having her fears put out in the open with words was hard to take.

  “First, I am going to show you how to hold the gun from where I stand. Then, I am going to have to stand close to you a bit to make sure you see how to hold the gun. I don’t want to scare you by being too close, but I promise I won’t hurt you.”

  He spoke to her so softly that she had to listen carefully to hear every word. Even though she knew that Fred would never harm her, it was hard to be near him. He worked carefully to make her feel at ease. She was like a wild animal that was out of its natural surroundings. He wanted her to feel comfortable around him and to know that he had no intentions of hurting her.

  She was shaking as he said, “Put the butt of the shotgun to your shoulder like so, and stand with your legs slightly apart. You want to anchor yourself so that when the shot goes off, it won’t knock you to the ground. It has a kick to it, see. Hold it tight. Look down the barrel and line up the site with the target. Try to center it on the target, but don’t worry if it isn’t just right. It is a shotgun and will hit anything you aim at. I want you to try it and see what it feels like. Now squeeze the trigger easy like. I know you are still hurt and such, but this lesson can’t wait.”

  The gun was heavier than Nan thought it would be. The barrel seemed very long and awkward. She brought it up to her shoulder and tried to steady it.

  “Take a deep breath, Nan, and pull the trigger.”

  She sucked in some air and closed her eyes as she pulled the trigger. Bam. Down she went. She jumped up quickly and dusted the snow off. “Sorry.”

  “Good first try. Do it again. Brace yourself. Plant your feet. Now.”

  The second shot went off and Nan was still standing. Her shoulder hurt like fire, but she was still on her feet.

  “Let me show you how to load this thing.”

  Nan watched carefully and shot again and again until she was reasonably sure that she could hit the broad side of a barn if need be.

  As they were walking back to the cabin, she realized that the trembling inside her had stopped. She knew that she could take care of Elmer and herself. Somehow she began to feel peaceful…Just a little.

  “I’m much obliged to you for teaching me this.”

  “Do you think you can shoot, that is, if you need to?”

  “I can do anything if need be.”

  Fred was glad to hear the confidence coming into her voice, “I bet you could! My dad was right. You and Elmer are good little soldiers.”

  Nan didn’t understand why, but that comment made her feel both proud and hurt at the same time. She was glad that he thought that she was brave, but he still thought she was a child. Why did that bother her? She didn’t care if she ever saw another man again. Well, Fred was different. He was like a brother to her. No, he was actually her husband. Her husband!

  Yes, he was her husband, but he was her husband because he wanted to protect her like a brother would. Yes, he was more of a brother and that was fine. He acted like a brother and spoke like a brother. She was glad that he was there to protect them … most of the time.

  As soon as the words came out of his mouth, it felt strange to him. “…Little soldiers?” His mind was turning. Now she was brave, but she wasn’t a kid and she deserved to be respected as an adult.

  He would remember to speak to her as an equal from now on. She was one of the most grown up people in his life. She didn’t pout or get selfish no matter what had happened to her. She did have guts, that is for sure. What a quick study! She had that gun down in no time. What a relief. He had no doubt that she could defend herself and Elmer. Elmer…he needed to speak with her about Elmer before they got to the cabin. “Nan, I want to ask you something about Elmer.”

  Nan’s eyebrows raised in interest. “Yes?”

  “How long have these headaches been going on?”

  “He has had them ever since he was three, so I guess, two and a half years. We never took him to a doctor. Mama was too sick to take him and Mr. and Mrs. Dewey never did either.”

  “I want to take him to see a doctor.” He saw her start to shudder, “You must come too.”

  “…But what about Mr. and Mrs. Dewey? If they happened to see us, what would happen?”

  “Wait a minute, Nan, you are my wife and they can’t take you away from me even if they did find you.”

  Nan’s eyes grew wide. She had never thought of that.

  “I am glad that I married you, even if it just keeps you away from those monsters.”

  “What about Elmer? Can they take him?”
r />   “Did they adopt him?”

  “No.”

  “Then, I think you have more right to raise him than they do.”

  Nan smiled for the first time since Fred brought her back to the cabin. “Thank goodness we are safe! Thank you!”

  She started to give him a hug, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. She stuck out her hand and gave his big hand a firm handshake.

  Fred was amused in spite of himself. Somehow this firm handshake from his girl bride felt so much more comforting to him than all the nights spent in the house of ill repute in Silverton. They were going to be good friends and that was all right with him. There were many times when he needed a good friend.

  *****

  The next few weeks Fred made preparations for a meager Christmas celebration for his little family. He cut a tree down and sawed it into rough boards. He spent many hours using a hand planer to smooth them into smooth, clean boards. He fashioned a beautiful clothes cupboard from it and oiled it to preserve it and enhance the grain of the pine.

  He knew that Nan would find it pretty. He worked tirelessly next to the fireplace after Elmer had gone to bed whittling little birds and forest creatures for Elmer’s Christmas present. Nan sat next to him attempting to crochet a long wool scarf for Elmer.

  It appeared to take her an awfully long time to work on one scarf. Nan had devised a plan to work on two scarves at the same time. She made them of the same color wool and carefully slipped the needle from one in progress to the other each evening. They were finished practically at the same time.

  They sat in silence for the most part as they worked each evening, but the conversations they did share were quiet and meaningful. Nan told Fred all the things she remembered about her Mama and Papa and the life they lived together in her memory of the “golden days.” Fred identified with her on that because he felt much the same way about his childhood and previous marriage and fatherhood. As she spoke, the tenderness on her face was so touching. She was lovely to look upon.

  Her dark hair brushed her shoulders now and she tied it back with a rag when she was doing chores. She let it hang loose while they spent their evenings together. She was still thin and small and he worried about her getting enough rest. Many times before Christmas Elmer cried for hours as he suffered. Nan and Fred took turns tending to him as best as they could.