Nan's Journey

by Elaine Littau

  “I feel so good. I couldn’t go to sleep all night! I had to just thank God all night long.”

  “I know how you feel,” Fred joined in. “I didn’t sleep much last night either. I was so happy for you.”

  “You were? I thought you would be used to showing people the way to God, being a preacher and all.”

  “It never gets old. Mary, is it?”

  “Sorry, Fred, this is Mary Dewey. Mary, this is Fred Young.”

  “Dewey. Well it is good to meet you, Mary.” Fred’s mind was racing. Could this be the stepmother who mangled Nan as a kid? He forced his face to remain friendly as he listened to the exchange between the parson and new convert.

  “What happens, now Reverend. Hall? What do I have to do now?” Mary looked determined.

  “Pray every day. Read your Bible every day.”

  “I don’t really know what to say to…uh…God. I don’t have a Bible.” She thought of Nancy’s Bible that she had sent away in the trunk and wished that she still had it.

  “Just talk to God about every thought that comes into your mind. If it is a problem, talk to Him. If it is a happiness, tell Him. If you have a need, tell Him. He is right at your side all the time. I have a Bible I can give you that belonged to a friend of mine who passed away some years ago. He would want a new convert to have it. In fact, it has notes written in all the margins. You will find them helpful as you read. They will help with understanding.”

  “Brother Marcus, I have been so bad, is there anything else I need to do to get rid of all the bad things, sins I have done?”

  “Jesus died for all of your sins. He paid the price you owed. You cannot add anything to the sacrifice He made for you. If you could then you wouldn’t have needed Him and He wouldn’t have had to die on the cross. The blood He shed for you was enough to cleanse you and everyone else who comes to Him from every sin ever committed.”

  “I know that I have tried to turn over a new leaf and be good, but something always happened to mess my plans up. Will being ‘saved’ work better than that?’

  Esther smiled warmly, “Dear one, now you have Jesus living inside of you to help you live a godly life. You don’t have to do it all alone. None of us could live a righteous life with out Jesus.”

  Mary sipped coffee from the cup thoughtfully and absorbed the information. Fred was amazed at the candor and simplicity of her faith. He wondered what Nan would think if she could see her like this. He knew in his spirit that Mary’s conversion was genuine. He only hoped that Nan would soon come to God also.

  “I best get on with the day. I hope I didn’t take up too much of your time.” Mary sprang to her feet. Time had gotten away from her.

  “Esther, get Thomas’ Bible out of the drawer for Mary, please.”

  Esther gave the worn book to Mary, “In this book are the answers to life. Spend much time reading it and you will keep the peace you found last night. It would be best to begin with the New Testament.”

  “Thank you, Esther, Parson, Brother Young.”

  She could hardly wait to get her baking done so that she could open the prized gift. She half ran with the Bible and Sammy in her arms all the way home. Each were precious gifts from God.

  Chapter 24

  Nan hummed as she kneaded the bread that the family would have for supper. She buttered the large yellow bowl, placed the soft lump in it, and draped a large white flour sack towel over it to keep flies off. Martha had instructed her to let it “double” and then “punch it down” once more and divide it into two loaf pans.

  She mentally calculated the time the whole process would take and when she would need to place the pans in the Home Comfort Range. By her estimations Fred would arrive just as the fresh aromatic bread made its way to the table. This morning Martha had opened some of her home canned apples and rolled out pie dough for fresh apple pie. It was cooling on the windowsill.

  Nan guessed that Martha was anxious to see how the special meetings had gone. She contemplated the life of a preacher’s wife. From what she had observed at the quaint little church they attended, the office of “pastor’s wife” was a hard row to hoe. Sister Gracie Brown tended sick folk, brought food to the recovering, taught a Sunday school class, and basically knew everything about being godly.

  Nan knew almost nothing about being godly or if she was even interested in that sort of life. Why couldn’t they just be “normal folk”? She didn’t mind going to the little church, but she didn’t think she had the stuff it would require to be a pastor’s wife. Perhaps Fred would be a traveling evangelist. That might be better. No one would expect all that much from her, except Martha told her that sometimes the meetings lasted weeks on end. She would either have to go with him or live without him for the duration.

  Martha told her that Elmer could stay with them to go to school whenever she accompanied Fred to his meetings. It would be difficult to take Teddy at this age. It might work out after he was out of diapers. By then there may be another child. As she mulled these thoughts over in her mind she came to the conclusion that God was taking her husband away.

  She would have a part-time husband and Teddy would have a part-time father. She felt anger running through her blood. They had been studying about Moses in Sunday school. They had a lot to say about Moses but what about Mrs. Moses? The teacher said that she was stuck home with her father and sisters until they made their way into the wilderness. How long had she been alone? How many young’uns did she have? Did God not have compassion on her?

  Fred had told Nan that he was “called of God to minister.” What did that make her? Just Nan? Fine, he could have his God and his ministry. She lived without him before. She determined to not let the separations affect her. Martha and Nate loved her. She also had Elmer and Teddy to love and look after.

  She would always love Fred, but from this point on she wouldn’t get lonely for him. It appeared that he had made his choice. He chose God’s work for him over her and their family. The more she thought about it, the more hurt she stored up inside. As she worked herself into frenzy other soothing thoughts tried to find their way into her mind. I love him. He rescued me and has been so patient and tender with me. He helped me find a way to help Elmer. He loves Teddy. Then the other thoughts countered. If he loved you so much he couldn’t leave you. You aren’t good enough for a man of God. Who do you think you are?

  Her mind was twisting inside, so much, that she developed a headache. She had stewed around so long that it was time to get the bread into the oven. She washed her face in cool water and willed herself to be pleasant because this supper meant so much for her beloved Martha and Nate.

  Teddy woke and she retrieved him from his cradle and brought him into the kitchen to nurse and keep watch on the bread and the street. She held the little boy close to her face and inhaled the scent of his hair. He snuggled close and began nursing.

  Teddy was filling out nicely. He had discovered his hands and practiced reaching out to his mother. He managed to snag a ruffle on her blouse, which seemed to amuse his little mind. He stopped sucking and locked eyes with his ma and gave her a big grin. Milk dribbled down his chin. “How can I get myself into a tizzy as long as I have you? Look at you! You will be grown before long! Mama loves her little Ted.” The smile of her son brought a measure of comfort to the turmoil inside her. Her head quit throbbing.

  Shasta announced the coming of the traveler and Nan heard Fred’s boots crunch the gravel as he walked up the path to his childhood home. The smell of hot bread wafted up to greet him on the little pathway and he decided to make his entry by way of the kitchen.

  Elmer was the first of the little company to reach him. “Hey Fred, wanna go fishin’ tomorrow?”

  “Elmer, let Fred catch his breath! Son, how was the meeting?” Nate took the carpetbag and surveyed the demeanor of his son.

  “Great Pa! It felt right to be in the pulpit again.”

  Martha threw her arms around his neck and gave him a tender kiss o
n the cheek. “My dear boy. I am so happy for you.”

  “Thanks, Ma.”

  Nan remained seated in the chair tending to Teddy. She smiled shyly and said, “It is good to have you back again. How was Campo?”

  The words were delivered nicely but Fred paused as he contemplated the meaning behind them. He took two long strides and landed on his knees at her feet. He kissed the pudgy cheek of the sleeping baby. “Sweetheart, I couldn’t wait to be home with you!” He enveloped both of them in a warm embrace and kissed her softly on the lips.

  “Come children, our supper is done. All we lack is setting the table,” said Martha.

  “Here, I can get that done double quick!” Elmer offered.

  “Let me assist you Elmer, ole Pal, ole Pard, ole friend of mine,” laughed Fred.

  Nan took Teddy to the bedroom, placed him in his cradle, and joined the family at the large round table. “Preacher boy, you say the blessing tonight.”

  “Sure thing, Pa.”

  “Father, thank you for your presence with each one of us at all times. I am truly thankful that whether I am coming or going, You are with me. I am also thankful that at the same time You can be with the ones I love most in my life even when I am absent. Bless the wonderful food spread before us. I thank You for the dear ones I was born to and the precious family that I found. Let us live our lives acceptable to You. In Jesus’ Name, amen.”

  Tears gathered in the corners of Nan’s eyes. She couldn’t believe how much Fred’s words affected her. She was glad to see him. She leaned to him and he thought she was going to whisper something in his ear. Instead he was delighted to feel her soft, sweet lips brush his cheek. Now it was his turn to blink away tears.

  In his prayers during the train ride home the Lord impressed him to be careful in his treatment of Nan. He knew he needed to tell her of Mary’s conversion, but he shouldn’t be in too much of a hurry to just blurt it out to her. She and Elmer had suffered much at the hands of their stepmother and letting go of hurt was a sight harder than getting over anger. He also sensed that Nan was unsure of having a preacher for a husband. She was still trying to get used to having a husband. She was a shy wife, but very loving. He smiled as he remembered the way she snuggled his back when he slept on his side. What a pleasure it was to enjoy her tender embraces. He stole a lingering look at her seated next to him at the table. Her shining dark hair was tied loosely with a pink ribbon. She looked over at him while she buttered a slice of the warm bread. He was blushing! She blushed also as she handed him the bread and said, “Welcome home, darling.”

  *****

  He held her in the circle of his arm, as they lay in their soft featherbed. She placed her ear over his heart and listened to the strong steady rhythm. She felt safe and loved. She hoped it would be a while before he went for another meeting or for a full-fledged revival. “I haven’t even heard him preach before,” she mused. “Are you a good preacher?”

  “The best!” he laughed

  “Seriously, do people really listen when you preach?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “How could you not know?”

  “I don’t pay a lot of mind to the people in the congregation. It works better for me if I just focus on God and what I think He has in mind for me to say.”

  “I see.”

  “You will have to hear me preach sometime, dear wife.”

  “I will. I promise I will.”

  “Nan, I have been praying about this a lot. We need a lot of time together at this time of our life.”

  Nan could hardly believe her ears.

  “I don’t want to leave you for weeks at a time. I want to enjoy you and raise our son and brother. I want to help my Ma and Pa.”

  “What about your calling?”

  “I still have my calling. I will just be careful that the meetings I hold are the ones God has planned. In the summer time I might go for a few days, but I want you and the boys to go with me. I am fortunate that you all are such good campers.”

  “Campers?” Nan asked.

  “Yes, we can take the horses and sleep outside in the warm weather. We would be gone a few days at a time. We could be at our camp in the day and have meetings in the evening and sleep under the stars.”

  “What about diapers? How would all that work?”

  “The Indians wash clothes in the streams and use branches to dry things. I imagine that would work.”

  “Maybe for a couple of days…” It sounded like a lot of work but it also sounded enjoyable.

  “If we go far away, we could take the train. Ma and Pa will watch Elmer and you and Teddy could join me. Most of the pastors have large homes with a bedroom designated for visiting evangelists.” He didn’t mention that children normally slept in the barn or porch in order to clear a space for him.

  “Stay with strangers?” Nan was unsure.

  “We are all God’s family. It will be alright,” He suppressed a yawn.

  Nan was a little nervous about the thought of staying with people she did not know, but it might be interesting to see faraway places. She was going to say something more, but was interrupted by a soft snore. She grinned and pulled away from him easily while pushing on his left shoulder. He obediently turned to his side and the snoring stopped. She pressed herself against his back and rested her arm on his side, letting her hand dangle on his chest. In his sleep he found the hand and held it. He was dreaming sweet dreams of the woman he loved.

  Chapter 25

  Nan wiped her hands with the damp dishtowel as she retrieved the dishpan from the dry sink. She used the dishwater to give moisture to the rose cutting Martha gave her. It was planted next to the back step and watering it was the last of the morning rituals in the neat little kitchen. She hummed as she hung the dishpan on the nail next to the back door. She heard a timid knock on the front door. Nan untied the ample white apron and placed it across the back of the closest chair. She smoothed her hair and the front of her dress and buttoned the little buttons around her wrists as she made her way to answer the door.

  The second knock was delivered a little more boldly. Nan eased the door open and realized one of her worst nightmares had come to pass. She suppressed a scream before she crumpled to the floor. Mary Dewey stood in stunned amazement on the front porch of Reverend Fred Young. Quickly she knelt down at the young woman’s side and looking up, cried for help.

  “Nan, is that you?” Fred covered the walkway to the front door in three steps. He picked Nan up and carried her to the rocker beside the front window. “Darling, wake up. I’m here!”

  “Fred?”

  “Yes, dear.”

  She began to open her eyes. “She came here! She is here! Oh God, what am I going to do?” Nan covered her face with her hands and began to cry.

  Mary stood quietly just inside the door. “Reverend, I didn’t know! I came to talk with you.”

  Nan looked from Fred to Mary. “Why would she want to talk with you?”

  Mary cleared her throat “Nan, I came here to talk to Brother Young about my past. I was afraid to tell my preacher about how rotten I was. I know God forgave me, but I didn’t know if he should know all the…you know, bad things I done.” She continued, “I been thinkin’ about you and Elmer, too. I know I am the last person you would ever want to lay eyes on after the bad treatment I handed to you. I want you to know that I am ashamed of myself.” Mary began to cry as she tried to hush the wail of baby Sammy, who until he cried had gone unnoticed.

  Nan sat in unbelief as she blinked back tears. “What are you up to, Mrs. Dewey? And how do you know my husband?”

  “Brother Young is your husband?”

  Nan nodded.

  “I came forward at the meetin’ Brother Young held at Campo a couple of months ago. I made my peace with God. My pastor and him prayed with me and showed me how to get saved.”

  “You saw her?”

  “Yes, at first I didn’t know that she was your stepmother. When I found out her name
I …well… I didn’t know how to tell you that I saw her.”

  Mary’s eyes widened, “When did you find out who I was?”

  “The morning Brother Hall introduced us.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?” Mary bounced Sammy on her hip to comfort him.

  “I didn’t know what to think. I did see that your conversion was genuine. I thought you had enough to think about that day.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?!” Nan stormed.

  “You don’t know how many times I started to tell you but I lost my nerve. We have been busy moving into our house. I just hated to upset you.”

  Nan rubbed her throbbing head.

  “Nan, may I come in and talk with you for a little while?”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Come in, Mary.” Fred stepped aside and offered a straight-backed chair next to Nan.

  “Fred?”

  “Nan, you must meet this head on if you ever want to get past it.”

  Mary sat on the edge of the chair with Sammy on her knees. “Nan, ever since little Sammy was born I have been thinking on you and Elmer. When I look in his little innocent eyes I think about how much I love him and how bad it would be if he ever had a stepmother like I was to you children. I was willing to let sleeping dogs lie, that is, until I found Jesus. Every time I pray I see your little back all bruised and bleedin’ and I know I was the one who done it.”

  Nan watched her tormenter carefully to see any indication of insincerity.

  “I wanted to talk to your husband to see what I should do to make up for…the cruelty. I honestly didn’t know you lived here! I promise! I just need to tell you I am sorry. I know you can’t or won’t forgive me. I don’t blame you if you don’t. I don’t deserve anything from you. I am just so glad that God forgave me! I want you to know that I am a better woman now. I will never do anything to hurt you again.”

  “What about Mr. Dewey?”

  “I won’t tell him where you are. He hasn’t taken kindly to your escape and I haven’t told him about me finding God. He knows something is up, but he don’t know what yet. I have to tell you that to keep him from looking for you I said that I sent you to an aunt in Boston that told us we could have the farm. I know now that I stole it from you by saying that, but in my heart I wanted you to get to safety…away from me and him too.”