by WC Child
I couldn't help but think I was punished for how I acted with my first child. I had not wanted it at all, and was glad when nature recaptured it. Its presence would have only perpetuated the pain its conception introduced. But I valued our love child from the beginning. I had so much stored up love waiting to be released. It had been beyond cruel for my baby to have been unceremoniously taken from me and thrown away with the trash. I wouldn't get to bury it or acknowledge it even existed past an arbitrary entry in some medical records. I should have been able to give it the same send-off and show of respect as the first child. If I thought it would help, I would have promised God anything to have not been punished in this manner. But destiny had applied its will and fate wouldn’t alter my path no matter how much I begged. Big Mama rescued me from the madness of my gestational defeat and took me home.
Walking up those stairs no longer pregnant happened under circumstances opposite from those I imagined. There was no crib to fill, no bottles to rinse and no smiles and coos to behold. I was alone in that room, in the bed where life had been conceived, feeling empty and numb. Big Mama could tell I was grieving and allowed me extra recovery latitude. I asked if Adam could spend time with me in my room. She consented. I quickly extended the invitation.
When Adam arrived, I was overjoyed. We could help each other maneuver through the healing process. I thought I had someone there who felt my pain and shared my grief as a parent. But something was off. His mood seemed less than warm throughout his visit. I wasn’t prepared for the harshness he displayed. The sadness on my face was in direct opposition to the relief displayed on his. I realized that being faced with fatherhood hadn’t been a positive experience for him. The possibility of being saddled with such huge responsibilities had changed him in ways I didn’t fully understand. I longed for some genuine affection and understanding that he was unable to give. He was detaching from this relationship. I felt it. I knew I was losing him.
Chapter 26
Forever and Ever
After the trauma of my loss, Big Mama allowed me to wallow in my sorrow and grief for about a week. She soon grew weary of my antics and told me I would just have to get over it. Her request seemed brash and heartless. Although it could have been categorized as cruel, it probably needed to be said. I had been shrouded in heaviness long enough. I wanted to get back into my normal routine. Going back to school would be the best medicine for me. But most of all I needed to see Adam. I knew I would be fine once we were together again. I was not prepared for the life lesson that awaited me in that hallway.
What I observed stopped me in my tracks. Seeing him posturing in the same manner as he previously did with me was an assault on my senses. Our eyes met, but instead of his coming over to greet me, he looked away. I knew he saw me, but appeared to want nothing to do with me. He walked in the opposite direction with one of my friends. I stood there in stunned silence. I didn’t understand what just happened. He just loved me last week. We created and lost a child together. Sadly, that wasn’t enough.
My immediate goal was to retreat to the nearest bathroom as quickly as possible. I wanted to avoid the embarrassment an emotional outburst would have caused. Once inside, I covered my mouth so the scream I wanted to expel remained trapped by my cupped hand. I sat down in one of the stalls with my mouth still covered and cried silent tears of love and loss. He promised me that our love would last forever. I believed him. I always thought forever was an infinite notion, but it ended one Friday between second and third period in a crowded, noisy hallway. I knew I wouldn’t be able to face him again that day. I couldn’t take any more rejection in Adam’s version of forever. The dead flies description Big Daddy once spoke about, that characterized Adam’s family’s traits, were beginning to gather around his head.
I convinced the school nurse to call Big Mama because I was too heartsick to remain at school. Once again, I returned to the house of Big Mama emotionally battered, rejected and heartbroken. As always, she was there to provide the soft place to land without saying “I told you so” in voice or in her eyes. During the ride home, I recounted the reason for my distress. Big Mama listened quietly and allowed me to lay my head in her lap and cry as much as I needed. She just stroked my hair and hummed soothing melodies to replace the thoughts that roamed through my mind. Given the way I treated them, I knew I didn't deserve the level of compassion she conveyed. I gratefully accepted the gift and wondered what I would have done without her.
Once home, she ran a hot bath for me. We recreated a moment in time that I had forgotten how much I enjoyed. For a brief moment I felt like the innocent eight-year-old kid again. I enjoyed the time I spent with my grandmother as we washed away the awful events of that day. I thought the bath would work its magic and allow my mind and body to relax. It was impossible not to replay the morning’s events. I convinced myself it was all a big misunderstanding. We just needed to reconnect. But somewhere deep inside I knew there was more trouble brewing than I wanted to acknowledge. I felt it when we last talked. His actions in the hallway confirmed those feelings. Even though our relationship was on life support, I believed a mouth to mouth and body to body transfusion would bring it back to life.
I was elated when Adam called. I thought it signaled his desire to patch up our differences. Initially, I did most of the talking. I tried desperately to keep the tone of the exchange as normal as possible. Eventually, the conversation took a detour from the happiness path I anticipated. The unwanted brush with fatherhood had been an eye-opener for him. He decided we needed to take a break. No matter how gently he put it, I didn’t want to accept that he no longer wanted me.
The vision I had conjured up in my head about the longevity of our relationship crumbled before my eyes. Adam vowed to love me forever and I believed him. I gave him everything I had to offer. It was not enough. I was forced to watch those promises collapse on me like the debris from an imploding building. The difference between those blasts and my life was that the explosion was contained. It remained within the bounds of the intended sector. The mental destruction I suffered went far beyond anything I could have imagined. It cancelled dreams, wounded hearts, eroded trust and rendered me as temporary as last week’s headlines. My innocence died a long time ago, but Adam’s betrayal assaulted my resurrected youth. I had lost more than he could begin to understand.
After that phone call, I curled up on my bed in the fetal position and cried. I was sick in my body and my soul. My body had not completely healed from the loss of my child before I had to deal with a broken heart. I ached at my core. After all the things I gave up for him, I became the momentary distraction Big Mama repeatedly warned me about. I had nothing new to offer after nature interrupted his fatherhood. We no longer had a bond. What remained between us was available to him from other willing sources. Adam took what I gave him, but he still left me behind.
Big Mama heard my muffled sounds of pain and quietly joined me on my bed. The look on my face told her that the conversation had not gone well. She remained quiet and allowed me to pour out my sorrow. She was not surprised by Adam’s choice and couldn’t mask her anger. She closed her eyes, shook her head from side to side and mumbled something under her breath. “Umph”, was all I could decipher.
“Why don’t I matter anymore? I was carrying his child. We were going to have a family. I always gave him what he wanted, so why doesn’t he still love me?”
“I believe that was your problem. You gave away all your power to someone else until you had nothing left for yourself.”
“I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
“I understand more than you think I do. I ain’t been old my whole life. I understand having love from a man. How do you think your daddy and your aunts and uncles got here? I still enjoy a round every now and again, but you can't make it the entire basis of your existence.”
Her comments surprised me. “Big Mama!” was all I could say.
She responded, “What? I’m still a woman and y
our grandfather is still a man, if you know what I mean.” Her coy smile let me know she was not referring to Big Daddy’s prowess in past tense.
She gently placed her hand into the center of my chest and said, “You must learn how to love the person in here, just as you are. You're not damaged, you're hurt and confused. Those things are not the same.”
I looked down in shame. Big Mama placed her fingers underneath my chin and lifted my head. Looking straight into my eyes she said, “You must realize that your worth extends far beyond your own idea of who you think you are right now. Don’t put too much weight on things that distance and time will render insignificant. You have the rest of your life to become who you were meant to be.” Before she left the room, Big Mama said, “Get some sleep. Things always look better in the morning.”
The conversation with Big Mama allowed me to release some of my anguish. Although she meant well, her advice wouldn’t work for my situation. I knew what was best for me. Our love would prevail. Something as real as what we shared could not be reduced to nothing so quickly. I tried not to acknowledge the end of our union. I knew Adam loved me; he told me so many times. I wasn’t going to fade away and become background noise. I was determined not to face the end of us. I was willing to offer him anything he wanted to stay with me. He had always been happy when our bodies connected. Because of that, I was sure he could be convinced to continue our relationship. If I could just talk to him again, everything would be fine.
I called Adam several times, but my calls went unanswered. When our paths crossed, Adam continued to divert his eyes. He found anything to command his attention except me. I was hurt by how easily Adam erased me from his list of priorities. As much as I tried to deny it, I was forced to accept the truth about our relationship. I had to face the inevitable. He had acted in a manner that was best for him. He made his choice and it was not me. I thought about how quickly three became two, then one. I was alone and lonely. There was no more us. I didn’t know when I would be finished with that disappointment. I was not ready to let go yet. I was not ready to stop looking at the photos or considering myself Adam’s girl. I could throw away the pictures and trinkets he had given me, but I was unable to shut off my heart.
Monday morning was coming and I didn’t want to go back to that school. It was the last place on earth I wanted to be. Since truancy was not an option, I begged Big Mama to allow me to change schools. She refused. She told me that if I started running from the truth so early in my life, I would be running forever. I knew she was right, but I would have been fine with postponing the lesson.
More than anything in life, I was determined not to show on my face the level of hurt in my heart. I had to appear unfazed until I could regain my balance. I kept my head held high, my shoulders back and my focus on reaching my academic goals. I returned to the comfort associated with invisibility and watched as the old became the new. I allowed the cocoon that once sheltered my existence to enshroud me again. I roamed the halls in a zombie-like state, constantly stalked by memories that would not go away. They took every opportunity to disrupt any attempts I made to recover. I had to pretend the person I loved no longer existed, just as our baby no longer did. As before, Adam looked past me at some insignificant target in the crowded, noisy hallways. I wandered down those same hallways with empty arms, an empty womb and postponed dreams. Graduation couldn’t come soon enough.
I hadn’t been surprised in a long time, but a graduation card from my mother caught me off guard. I had not heard from her since she went to prison. I couldn’t control the flood of emotions that seeped into my heart. I was still angry and hurt. Even while she was away in prison, she didn’t want to see me. She obviously had nowhere to go, but that didn’t matter. I still wasn’t important enough to secure a small portion of her time. It seemed that when I needed her the most, she was never there. The card was as late as her attempts to reunite with me after she abandoned me at Big Mama’s.
I looked at the handwriting on the card and remembered the note she left on the kitchen table. A chill ran through my body. I was suddenly transported back to the last day I saw my mother and the events that occurred after the discovery of my stolen innocence. I had irrationally accepted some blame for our separation. I believed that had it not been for my naiveté, we would have never been torn apart. Big Mama had helped ease my guilt with her wisdom and I eventually accepted no blame for someone else’s actions.
Over the years, attempts to keep the memories of my mother alive were spearheaded by Big Mama, but I refused to think about my mother past those random comments. I had buried most of my affection for her under layers of distrust and what I deemed as rejection from her. The card was undoubtedly a way to ease her guilty conscious and provide an avenue back into my life. The more I thought about the timing of the card, the deeper I fell into the chasm of anger from the past. For my own good, I decided not to borrow any more troubles. I had enough on my plate already. My focus had to be on my future, not my past.
Chapter 27
Moving Forward
High school was finally over and I was ready to explore the world that existed beyond the county boundary lines. Despite my failures in some aspects of my life, I heeded Big Daddy’s advice and kept good grades. As a result, I garnered scholarships to several universities. I selected the one that took me the furthest away from my current home. My sanity demanded I remove myself from my valley of defeat and seek higher ground that would facilitate a new start. I needed to go someplace where no one knew me, had never heard of my current home and wouldn’t know anything about my history. Completely starting over was what I needed most. I needed to leave the past as far behind as humanly possible. The less I saw reminders of what could have been, the quicker I would find myself again.
When I announced my college of choice, Big Mama couldn’t conceal the sadness and concern that filled her eyes. She knew how badly I had been hurt and couldn’t help but ask if my decision to go so far away from home was based on Adam and not entirely on the curriculum. I wouldn’t admit it, but it was mostly my attempt to get over him. I felt there was nothing to tie me to that town. I was eager to see it grow smaller and less significant as I watched it change dimensions in the rear-view mirror.
The morning of my departure finally came. I arose early to make final preparations. I hoped my grandparents knew I wasn’t turning away from them, just the things that would keep me walking in place. I was scared, but would never confess my anxiety. I knew I needed a change. They had done all they could and had raised me as well as anyone could expect. It was time for me to stop pretending to be an adult and start my voyage into self-reliance.
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was really going to miss the place I once referred to as my country home. I sat on the porch swing and reflected on those happier times that made me smile. Big Daddy came out on the porch, sat down beside me and began to smoke his pipe. Without saying a word, he made his famous smoke rings. I instinctively tried to capture them in my hands. I was unsuccessful. He chuckled at the futility of my quest and blew another elusive ring. When the pipe had no more smoke to give, he put his arms around me and hugged me tight. I didn’t want him to let go. We shared a beautiful silence that spoke volumes into my soul. I knew his love for me was still there.
Right before I left, Big Mama gave me some unexpected gifts. I smiled when she placed the locket she referred to as a family heirloom around my neck. She impressed upon me the value of the necklace and the sacrifice of my ancestors who provided such a token to be passed down through my family. She then gave me a bank statement and a check book. I was blown away by the balance and immediately asked, “Where is the armored car that dropped all this money?”
“All that belongs to you. These are the benefits from your father. Your mother arranged for us to receive the funds on your behalf. We saved most of it for your college expenses.”
I remembered one of the dreams of my parents; to save enough money to sen
d me to college. Big Mama made sure she preserved that dream. I was both speechless and overwhelmed. She continued with her explanation. “Life is full of surprises. You never know from one day to the next what it will bring. Even when you think you know which way your life is moving, it changes. Things are not always as they seem. Just remember, life is not always an all or nothing situation. It’s about balance. You must figure out what will be the equalizer for you.”
Big Mama walked over and hugged me. When we let each other go she said, “We love you, but not as much as your mother does. Her love has no end. Someday I hope you find a way to forgive her. But that’s a conversation for another time. Right now, there’s a whole big world out there waiting for you. Now go and make all of us proud.”
“Yes ma’am,” was all I had left to say. I really was gonna miss my home and my family.
Chapter 28
Searching
The college campus was its own micro city. The massive amounts of people were in constant motion like ants. It was the perfect place for me to hide from my old life. No one noticed me and I was content with my new surroundings. Having total freedom was something new and it took me a while to get use to the concept. Once I figured out that I was truly on my own, I became the typical sheltered college student who had been given their freedom. Academically, I flourished in my new environment, but socially, I was less successful. There were times when I looked over my shoulder and expected to see Big Mama following me from a distance. She was never there. I was in total control of when and what I did. That dynamic became a double-edged sword. At times, I indulged in activities more frequently than a good reputation could absorb.
It was hard to understand the motives of my heart. Right when I thought I was marching to the beat of the right drummer, the music changed. I was left stranded and forced to figure out what happened to the familiar sound. I still heard music, but I no longer knew how to dance. My rhythm was gone. Because of that, I spent the bulk of my romantic encounters searching for what I experienced with Adam. I tried to find him or parts of him in every new physical encounter. My chest cavity was missing its vital organ, but I searched for relief from an organ located below the waist. My heart searched constantly while my body paid the price. I devoted the majority of that time comparing everyone to him in search of happiness. Sometimes I closed my eyes and pretended Adam was with me. When the act was over and my eyes opened again, I was still unfulfilled. I often found myself in the company of someone I barely knew. None were permanent attachments. They poured through my life like a sieve. One substitute survived a weekend trip to my home town, but didn’t last too much longer after that. My motives for the visit were completely selfish. I wanted to make Adam jealous by showing him I had moved on with someone else. It didn’t work. I still was not over him.