by Nella Tyler
I stared at that door, waiting for him to come back. Why hadn't he come back yet? To say that he was stupid for walking out and that he was sorry. He needed to say he was sorry. I wanted him to say that he loved me more than a game and would make both work in order to be with me. I didn't want him to give up the game, but I needed to be there, too. I didn't think that it was a lot to ask of him. What was wrong with him?
I had been so sure that he would come back. That he would rush through the door and scoop me up into his arms. We would kiss so passionately that we would end up back in bed together. We would wake up in each other’s arms and I would have no choice but to forgive him. In fact, I would have gladly forgiven him if he did any of those things. But he didn't. Bennett never came back that day.
Chapter Two
I waited for an hour before I finally gave up. Getting out of bed took a lot of effort on my part. It felt almost impossible to do so, but I did it. I thought for sure he would have returned by then or at the very least sent me a message, apologizing or, dammit, just something. But I didn't hear from him at all and it was about time that I get on with my day. There was no point in me lying around any longer. I was just embarrassing myself further.
It was hard to accept things were over between Bennett and me. I didn't want that at all. It was bad enough trying to accept the fact that he had left, never mind trying to understand why he didn't want to fight for our relationship. Why didn't he love me enough to include me in his life? He was behaving like a thoughtless jerk.
I stepped off the bed and went about collecting my clothing. With every piece I picked up, I started to remember how it came off of my body. How Bennett had taken each piece off my body. I began to clasp my bra back on and slip into my panties, remembering that they had been the last things he had taken off my body. I pulled on my jeans and slipped into my t-shirt. I did everything like a robot, my mind numb to everything around me. I had no idea how to feel in that moment and the truth was, I felt nothing at all. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe I should enjoy feeling nothing. Sooner rather than later, I would feel the pain of loss again and that wasn't going to be much fun. Feeling nothing was a little refreshing after feeling so much pain lately. I was sick of feeling that way. Relationships were supposed to bring you joy in your life, not continually cause pain. Maybe Connie had been right all along; maybe I should have avoided Bennett from the beginning. Not get involved with someone striving for a major league career. It only caused complications in my life that I didn't need.
I had to accept the fact that he was gone and move on with my life. I had put too much time and effort already into a relationship that wasn't important to Bennett; way too much time. I had thought it was worth it, but his behavior told me otherwise. He obviously wasn't that interested in me or a in a future with me if he was able to throw it all away that quickly. He didn't even try to save it; he just walked away from me without a thought that he was hurting me.
I had wanted a different ending. I had just been so sure that he would come back. It was a shock to find out that he didn't. That was the part that hurt so much, was that realization. All I wanted in that moment was try to forget about what happened. I doubted that I would be able to forget about anything, but I was going to try damn hard to. Bennett had broken my heart once again, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get over it this time. But I had to in order to lead a healthy and happy life. I needed to get him out of my head and out of my heart. He had made his choice, and there didn't seem to be anything that I could do to change his mind. Now I just needed to move on and try to forget Bennett as best I could. I wasn't sure how I was going to do that, but I had to.
, I went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. All my movements were robotic. I wanted to feel better about what happened and coffee was at least going to take the headache away. The throbbing in my head only seemed to be getting worse. I watched the pot for a moment, watching the coffee spill into it. I couldn't even clear my head. I didn't know what to think, what to do. I just tried to focus on the coffee and will my headache away. It wasn't working.
I went into my bedroom while I waited it to finish brewing. I flopped onto my bed face-first and started to sob. I felt helpless and useless. Bennett had made me feel unappreciated and unworthy of his attention. I couldn't control the tears coming out of me, I just sobbed and sobbed. My throat was raw and my eyes were becoming puffy. No matter what I tried to do I couldn't stop crying the tears just kept coming. I should have been empty, but they just kept coming. My stomach began to churn with all the emotions inside of me.
It was then that I heard a voice at my doorway, it wasn't the voice that I had been waiting for all day, but it was darn sure a close second. Just the sound of it made me feel so much better.
“What the hell is going on here?”
I turned to find Connie standing in my doorway with a concerned look on her face.
Chapter Three
I flung myself out of my bed and rushed to the doorway to see Connie. I flung myself into her arms, almost knocking her over. I couldn't believe she was there. I had never wanted to see anyone more in my entire life. Yes, I wanted to see Bennett, but Bennett was no longer a part of my life. I had to accept that. So Connie was who I needed to see, she would know exactly how to get me through all this. She would help me heal and get over Bennett. I wanted and needed that to happen as soon as possible. I knew it was unlikely; those things took time. But I was desperate to get over him. I couldn't be in this pain forever.
“Whoa, what's going on here?” She was holding me tight as I held her back even tighter. The sobs came again, and I sobbed against her shoulder, not knowing what else to do. I had cried so much that it was crazy to think that I still had more crying to do. She allowed me to cry in her arms for as long as I needed. She waited patiently as I cried, not bothering to ask me what was wrong. She knew that I needed this moment to just cry. She was a great friend; she was exactly what I needed in that moment. She knew when to stay silent, and she knew when it was appropriate to start talking. She just let me cry for as long as I needed. Right now, she was allowing me to get everything out, right down her shoulder. When I didn't have anything left, I pulled away from her and stared into her eyes. I felt lost and empty. I had completely emptied myself of feelings.
“My eyes are going to be so puffy in the morning,” I whimpered.
She laughed. “Well, there's the girl I know and love. Do you think you got enough tears out or should we keep going?” She was looking at me softly, concern written all over her face.
I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. I was in desperate need of a Kleenex and I walked to the bathroom to find some. I blew my nose and dabbed at my eyes, feeling so much better than I did before Connie arrived.
“No, I think I'm pretty much done crying. I don't think I could if I wanted to.”
Connie headed out to the kitchen, and I followed close behind her. She went straight for the coffee pot and poured us both a hot steaming cup, adding creamer to mine and cream and sugar to hers. I just watched shell-shocked as she performed these tasks and then brought both cups to the kitchen table.
All I could do at that moment was stare into my cup of coffee. It looked wonderful, but I couldn't even bring myself to take a sip quite yet. There was still a chance I could throw up. And I didn't even know what to say to Connie, we had been through this so much in the past few months. It was like I was beating a dead horse every time I talked to Connie. Bennett and I just seemed to have problem after problem in our relationship and Connie had to hear about it all the time. It was a wonder that she wasn't sick of it all by that point – I certainly was. What more could I tell her at this point that I hadn't already told her in the first place? I should never have got involved in the relationship I was in; it had brought me nothing but pain. It was a testament to how great of a friend she was that she was still willing to sit across from me and listen to yet another story about Bennett.
“So, girl, let's have it. What h
appened to you and Bennett? I know that has to be it because there is nothing else in your life that could possibly get you this upset. You have cried rivers here.”
“Tell me about it” I said as I wiped at my tears again.
“So, what happened? Get it out, let’s hear it.”
“I think things are over between Bennett and me. In fact, I don't know how we can piece things back together anymore. Things are just a mess right now. It all just fell apart.”
“I thought that you guys were going on a date. You had the whole day planned out. What could possibly have gone wrong? You guys were so excited to spend the whole day together. I'm not understanding what happened here.”
“That's exactly my point. I have no idea what happened, either. Actually, I do. Baseball happened. He once again chose his career over me and for the most ridiculous reason possible.” I flung my hands up in the air exasperated.
“Okay.” She was forcing me to continue. She knew that I had more to say, and she couldn't give her opinion until I let it all out, so I might as well just go ahead and tell her.
“We were on our date, and we were having a great time. We went out for dinner and then we came back to his apartment and washed some movies. We had the best sex of our entire relationship, like everything between us was just perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better date. We had such a good day, and the great thing about it was that we still had the evening to go. I was planning on cooking dinner and just relaxing with him for the evening.”
“Sounds like everything was great. So what went wrong?”
“Baseball. We were literally laying in bed right after having sex with each other, cuddling together and just relaxing and enjoying everything between us. Then he gets a call from his coach, which he shouldn't have taken in the first place. And that's where everything went downhill. God, this is so frustrating to talk about.”
“I can probably guess what happened, but why don't you tell me.”
“His coach was calling him to come in for some random practice. Not his regular practice, just another one of his extra practices, but he insisted that Bennett come in immediately and do it. Bennett had promised me that we would spend the whole day together, that he wouldn't go back to work no matter what. So instead of telling his boss he was already busy, he gets off the phone and heads on over to practice.”
“You're kidding me?”
“Nope. He told his coach right away that he would be right down. He could have easily told his coach that he already made plans he couldn't get out of. He is a grown man, for God’s sake. When he got off the phone, we had a huge argument where I specifically reminded him that he promised me we would have the whole day together. But he didn't care, he just said he had to go and he walked out the door. He wasn't even willing to discuss it with me.”
“Well, I can see why you're upset. I really don't understand what Bennett is doing right now. I think it's pretty obvious that he cares about you. But then he does these things that make you think that he doesn't care for you. I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't care about you, Emmi, I really don't. But he definitely has his head in the clouds. To be honest, I'm not sure you are going to be able to get his head out of the clouds; you may just have to let him go until he is ready to devote the time necessary to be in a relationship. You deserve the best and if he can't give that to you, then you need to move on.”
“Yeah, I was afraid you were going to say that. Not that I have any choice in the matter, it's pretty clear that he's gone whether I want him gone or not. It was just a really bad fight and it went nowhere good. I feel destroyed. I want to be with him badly, but not like this, it's brutal.”
“I'm sorry, Emmi.” She reached over and took my hand, holding it tightly.
I finally took a sip of my coffee and it felt so good going down. The warmth took me over and I remembered all over again why I loved coffee so much. “He just promised me that he was going to stay for the day. And I believed him. I really thought that if something came up, he would stand up for himself and say he already had plans. He must have known I would be so upset.”
“I know you did, Emmi. And he really should have. It would not have been a big deal for him to skip this practice, especially if he already had plans with you. Like I said, I don't know what is going on with him these days.”
“It gets worse, though. I think I may have done something wrong, really wrong. You have to understand, though, I was just so angry that he was going to leave. I was desperate.”
“Why, what happened?”
“Well, I was trying to explain things to him. I was trying to get him to understand how important it was for him to stay with me for the day, to put us first. He was just being so irritating, that I just blew up. I was trying to get him to see how important it was for a relationship for him to stay. He promised me, Connie, he promised me.”
“Emmi, what happened?”
“I gave him an ultimatum, about baseball.”
“Oh God, Emmi, you didn't. Oh dear...”
“Connie, he promised me the whole day and he broke that promise. I didn't know what else to do. I fell apart.”
“So, what did you say to him?” She was frowning, so I knew she didn't approve at all.
“I told him that he had to choose between me and his current baseball career.” Tears began to run down my cheeks once again. I didn't think that I could cry anymore, but there they were, rolling down my cheeks. I took a sip of my coffee enjoying the warmth of it. I looked up at Connie, and she was looking back at me with sympathy in her eyes. I knew she was concerned about me, and I was glad to have her there. She was the only person that I could talk to about all this.
“I'm really sorry, Emmi, that you are going through this. Relationships aren't easy, especially if you're in a relationship with somebody who's trying to make it to the big leagues. I understand how hurt you are about all this. I think Bennett could have really skipped this practice if he really wanted to spend time with you, so I'm not really sure why he didn't. He has really created a mess here with all his decisions.”
“I know, he promised me. Why couldn't he have just kept his promise to me?”
“Well, Emmi, it's because his dreams are important to him. This is his career, after all, and he obviously doesn't want to let it go.”
“Right, but I want a relationship, too. That's supposed to be important, too.”
“Like I said, I understand how you feel. The whole situation is getting pretty upsetting, that much I can tell. I can understand where you're coming from, Emmi, but there is also a large part of me that thinks that you're being very unreasonable.”
“What are you talking about? You just agreed with everything that I had to say.”
“I know I did. I meant every word of it. But that was until you told me that you gave him an ultimatum about his career. That is something that you should never have done. Emmi, I love you, you're my best friend. But you can't take somebody's dream away just because you want to be in a relationship with them. How would you feel if somebody told you that you couldn't be a sportscaster? Would you be okay with that? If somebody told you that you could only have one thing in life, your career or love, what would you choose?”
“That's not the same thing at all. I've been working my ass off in this relationship and all Bennett is doing is breaking his promises.”
“Then you break up with him.” Connie was looking at me very seriously and I knew that she meant every word that she said. She wasn't pulling any punches right now, and she was one of those people in life that told you exactly what she thought without worrying about whether or not it would hurt your feelings. She was dead serious.
“Connie.”
“Emmi, that's what happens in a relationship. If you don't like something that's going on or the relationship isn't going well, you break up with the person and you move on with your life. I'm not trying to say these things to hurt you. But it's true. If things aren't working out, you leave. You don't giv
e someone an ultimatum. You don't tell Bennett that he can't play baseball anymore just because you want to be in a relationship. That's why he walked out on you. You are being unreasonable. You probably hurt him as much as he hurt you.”
“I'm not trying to crush his dreams, Connie. I'm just trying to be a part of his life. You and I both know that he can have both. I just don't want to lose him, especially when he can have both of us.”
“Well, maybe this is your wakeup call that he doesn't want both. This is his career and this is his dream that he has been chasing. And he was chasing that long before he ever met you, Emmi. How could you possibly have tried to make him choose?”
“I'm sorry. I just blew up; I didn't know what to do. I thought I was losing him, and I wanted more than anything for him to call his coach back and tell him he wasn't coming to practice. That's all I wanted. It's not a lot to ask.”
“Well, you can't expect somebody to give up their dream if you're not willing to give up yours. It's a two way street. You have your dreams and so does Bennett, you're either going to work together and make it work or you're not. And right now, it doesn't look like Bennett can do both. I know you think he can, but maybe juggling both isn't something that Bennett is capable of doing right now.”
“Oh my God, you're killing me right now.” The tears just kept flowing down my cheeks. It was becoming painful to cry. Obviously what Connie had to say was right, but I just didn't want to hear it. It just sounded so awful. I loved Bennett, but it was starting to sound like we were never going to be together. Maybe it was time that I accepted that.
“Emmi, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just trying to give you advice so that you don't make a situation worse than it needs to be. You can't go around giving people ultimatums when they start doing things that you don't like. It's not fair. Nor is it the right thing to do.”