A Staten Island Love Letter 5

by Jahquel J

  “He’s right, Free. As much as we want to be here, I need to go and be with my baby. I love Liberty, but how much more can we take? What if she didn’t survive? We would have been having to plan a funeral on top of all the shit we have going on. I’ll be up here tomorrow, but I’m going to spend time with my daughter. Thank you again, Staten,” she hugged me and her sister before she headed down the hallway.

  Free looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “I can’t lose her, Staten. My life feels like I’m in a bad dream. Between her and Gyson, I can’t lose either of them.”

  I hugged her tightly because I felt the same way about the both of them. My brother was my rock, the man I looked up to and seeing him so weak and battling cancer had me in a fucked-up state. Then, Liberty was the love of my life and she was still using drugs and overdosed. My mind wasn’t in the right place either.

  “We’ll make sure this time she won’t relapse. Go home and get some rest… ight?” she nodded her head and put her purse on her arm. “Call me when you make it home.”

  “I will,” she replied as she pulled herself together.

  After Justice and Freedom left, I went into Liberty’s room and looked at her. She looked so angelic laying in the bed. Her hair was up in a bun that was once neat, but with all that had gone on, it was now pieces lying in her face. I sat down beside her bed and pulled my phone out and sent Maliah a message.

  Here… prob gonna stay for the night. You good?

  Yeah, I’m heading to grab some food and then going home. Today has been a day, she replied.

  Word. You good tho, right?

  Yes, Staten lol. I’m ok. Be there for Lib. Tell her that I’m wishing her well.

  Bet.

  I put my phone on the table beside the bed and laid my head back and closed my eyes. Disappointment was an understatement for what I felt. I was so mad that she slipped back into her old ways. Part of me felt like it was my fault. I allowed her to push me away and stopped checking up on her. Even with us breaking up, I should have done my part as her friend and been there for her. Instead, I was too angry and hurt to even reach out to her. If we were still together none of this would have happened. I folded my arms and laid back in the chair to get some sleep and hope she woke up soon.

  2

  Justice

  I know they said God didn’t give you too much, but I felt like he was tossing buckets of water on me and expecting me to stay dry. Everything was falling apart in my world and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have any more tears left to cry, so I sucked it up and wore a somber expression on my face. Visiting my baby girl was the highlight of my day and I couldn’t bring myself to smile or laugh at her little expressions. What did I do that was so horrible? Why did I deserve this? All I tried to do is be a good person and help people, yet I get fucked over in the end. I was tired of being good to everyone and then I was the one who got the short end of the stick.

  When I walked into Liberty’s apartment and found her unresponsive, I thought my sister was dead. My first actions were to sit there and cry, but another side of me emerged and I did CPR while on the phone with EMS. I thought Liberty had gotten clean and was working toward bettering her relationship with Chance. This entire time she made us think that she was getting clean and she wasn’t. I felt bad as fuck because I didn’t notice the signs. As her sister I should have noticed that she wasn’t herself and was back using. I agreed with what Staten said; she knew what she did before she did it. As much as I loved my sister, I had to focus my time and energy on my baby girl. She was my main priority right now. With everything going on between me and Priest, I needed to focus on her and give her my all.

  I rocked in the chair as I watched her moving slowly around in the incubator. The feeding tube attached to the side of her face and then going up her nose, always pissed me off. As a parent, you never wanted to see your child going through this. I would have rather have my ass laying in a hospital bed than to have her struggle to breathe. I felt like I failed as a parent by having her early. I heard the NICU door open and looked at Priest coming in. He was drying his hands off and then tossed the paper towels into the bin. I’ve become the expert at avoiding him. I asked the nurses what time he came and tried to come hours before he did. Once, I almost bumped into him, but he was in a heated argument on the phone, so he didn’t notice me turn around and go the other direction.

  “What’s up?” he sat in the empty chair next to Yasmine’s incubator.

  “Hey,” I replied dryly. Man, I was so bitter, angry and all of those things that women went through. I hated him. I wanted to slap and hurt him like he had hurt me.

  I started gathering my stuff to leave and he touched my arm. “You don’t have to leave when I come.”

  I gently took my arm back. “I’d rather go. Thanks though,” I tossed out the food I was eating.

  I had been up here since I left the hospital with Staten and Freedom. The hours were twenty-four hours for parents. All the nurses loved me so they would give me blankets and bring coffee for me in the morning. I needed to go and bring Staten his car back and see if he could help me move my clothes out of Liberty’s apartment.

  “Can we talk real quick?”

  “No thanks.”

  “Justice, can we talk? We haven’t talked at all.”

  “For wh… meet me in the hall,” I had raised my voice and I had to remember that there were other parents and babies in here.

  I said goodbye to the nurses and then stood down the hall waiting for Priest to show his ass up. When I was two minutes from leaving, he finally came into the hall. “Look, Jus… there’s nothing I can say th—”

  “You’re right. There is nothing you can say that would make this better. You missed our daughter being born because you were fucking your ex. Might I add, an ex that you told me not to worry about. You were one of the good ones, Priest,” I shook my head. “You made me think you were one of the good ones, I let my guard down with you.”

  “Baby, I fucke—”

  “I trusted you and you fucked me over like my ex. All I wanted was what we had.”

  “Ma, I want to make this work with you and fix everything. If I gotta jump through hoops, then that’s what I have to do.”

  “Whatever. Go jump through hoops for that bitch that was more important than your daughter,” I turned to walk down the hall.

  “Don’t do that, ma.”

  “Nigga, I didn’t do shit, you did. Spend time with your daughter,” I replied and pressed the button for the elevator.

  Priest had wasted enough time of mine and I wasn’t about to waste another second on his mess. He wanted to be sorry because his ass got caught. If I never saw the evidence on him, he would have continued to have his cake and eat it too. I had bigger things to worry about other than him and his guilt. If you asked me, I hoped that shit ate him alive at night. I appreciated Staten for offering his home, but I needed to get it on my own. I had left one relationship and ended up depending on Priest more than I should have. I needed my own independence. It was time for me to make a home for me and my daughter.

  After I left the hospital, I met with Staten at Staten Island hospital. If I never seen another hospital I would have been satisfied. He was waiting downstairs when I pulled up. He got into the car and then put his head back.

  “Why the fuck is life so hard?” he randomly asked with his eyes still closed. “I feel like I’m trying to swim, but these damn waves keep taking me out,” I knew he had a lot on his plate.

  “I feel the same way. Look at it like this, we’re strong and we’re going to keep swimming. It’s hard, but it will get better.”

  “You right.”

  “I know. I have to be right, cause I can’t take anymore.”

  “I feel you. Liberty is still not up. The doctors checked her vitals and she’s good but hasn’t woke up yet.”

  “Damn.”

  “I hope she’s well rested for what the fuck I’m about to say to her when she wakes up.”


  I pulled off from the front of the hospital and headed toward his house. “Do you still love her?”

  “Yeah. Liberty got my heart. I don’t know if she knows or believes me, but I love her ass more than myself sometimes.”

  You haven’t been by to see the baby at all. Tf! A Text message popped up on the dashboard screen. When he entered the car, his phone automatically connected to the Bluetooth in the car.

  “Then I gotta deal with shit like this,” he sighed.

  “How is Satin?”

  “Good. She look so much like her damn mother. I pray she don’t act like her either,” he lightly joked.

  “One day at a time.”

  “Huh?”

  “Take everything one day at a time. The world wasn’t built in a day, so you shouldn’t expect to fix everything in one. Go spend some time with your daughter. Not because Chanel is bitching about it, but because you need to feel the warmth that a baby gives you. I’m on cloud nine after seeing my baby.”

  “How is Yasmine?”

  “She’s doing better. Still has the feeding tube and she’s still struggling to keep her body heat outside of the incubator, so she’s still in there.”

  “Damn, I gotta come up to see her.”

  “You can come anytime you want. But, spend time with Satin.”

  He nodded his head. “When you want to move in?”

  “About that?” I giggled.

  “What now?”

  “I appreciate your offer and I’m gonna stay for a week or so, but I’m gonna get my own place. I’ve been saving up money that Priest gives me and I’m gonna get me an apartment.”

  “Word. Why?”

  “I need to learn independence again. Priest covered everything. I didn’t have to pay or lift a finger and I became comfortable.”

  “I wouldn’t say you didn’t lift a finger. You had those girls in check.”

  “True, but I didn’t have to. I got so comfortable with him covering everything and that wasn’t okay. He even covered the unexpected expenses for my center when he didn’t have to. I got so comfortable and I’m ready to provide for myself. Staten, I was a damn teacher with my own car, and apartment. I’ve allowed men to break me down ‘til I couldn’t function, and I refuse to allow this to happen with Yasmine depending on me.”

  “Yass sis, period pooh. Ain’t that what y’all say?”

  I busted out laughing. “I so needed that laugh right now.”

  “Priest is a dumb ass and neither me or Ghost support what the fuck what he did. That shit was wrong and I’m not gonna lie because he’s my brother. He did that shit for a bitch that was his past.”

  “Yeah, it sucks because I love that man so much.”

  “I could tell. He loves you too, but let shit side-track him. Do you think you both can come back from this?”

  I sighed and bit on my bottom lip. “Right now… no.”

  “I respect it.”

  “I just need to get my life back on track and focus on my child. He doesn’t matter right now. Yasmine has my full attention and if Priest can’t understand that, then maybe this was a blessing in disguise.”

  And you ignoring me! Probably with that bitch Liberty!!!!!!!! Another message popped up on his car’s screen.

  “She always concerned with who I’m with like we’re together.”

  “This is why you don’t fuck your friends, Staten. That should have never been a line crossed, especially with all the money you have. You should have just jerked off in a cup and had that shit injected into her. Chanel gone off the dick and now she has your child so she about to milk it.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been told a time or two.”

  We need to talk about baby #2. I want Satin to have a sister or brother close in age. She sent another message and I gulped.

  “She serious?”

  “When she can’t get a hold of me, she sends something dramatic to get me to respond. I don’t know how many times she told me she thought she was in labor to get me to stop by her crib or answer her calls.”

  “You both are in this together and the main goal is to raise that baby together. She needs to cut the dramatics and you need to be there more so she doesn’t have an excuse to use that you’re absent. If you have to bring the baby to your house for the weekend, do it.”

  “You would let Priest bring Yasmine to his crib once she’s home?”

  “Yep. As much as I hate him right now, he’s an amazing uncle to the girls and I know he’ll be an amazing father to Yasmine. If he could raise three girls alone, I have all the trust that she’ll be fine for a day or two.”

  “Justice, you dope man. You have so many reasons and excuses to hate this man and put dirt on his name, but you still find a way to compliment him.”

  “I do hate him,” I smirked. “I refuse to let our personal issues get in the way of parenting our child. In the end, she didn’t have anything to do with our issues, so why punish her with a bad co-parenting relationship… you know?”

  “Yeah, I feel you. You know where you want to move yet?”

  “Well, I’m on a budget, so I’m thinking about moving back to my old apartment building. My old apartment isn’t available, the one on the lower floor is.”

  “For real? You don’t think it’s too many bad memories.”

  “In that old apartment, yeah. But, I’m so ready to make new memories and make us a home. I have a meeting to go speak with my old land lord and put a deposit down on the apartment.”

  “You move fast as shit.”

  “Yeah, well I had a bunch of time sitting in the NICU last night, so I was researching things. I know I won’t be able to move in until the beginning of the month, so that’s where you’ll come in,” I laughed.

  “You’re free to stay there. I don’t have an issue with that.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Where you going?”

  “I’m dropping you off to Chanel’s parents’ house. I know she’s there and you need to spend time with your baby girl.”

  “Bruh, how you just gonna force me?”

  “Despite how Chanel makes you feel, you have to ignore that because your daughter is the most important.”

  We pulled up to Chanel’s parents’ house and Staten sighed. “Appreciate the talk, Justice.”

  “Anytime. I’m gonna go back to Liberty’s house and grab my clothes,” I informed him. “I’m gonna stop by Priest’s house and get some more clothes while he’s visiting Yasmine,” he handed me the key to his house.

  “You know the address… pick any room, just not mine.”

  “I got you,” I laughed. “And thanks for letting me use your car to get around.”

  “You’re good. I’ll have one of my youngins’ come and pick me up. Drive safe.” Chanel’s parents must have had cameras because she opened the front door and was standing there with her hand on her hips.

  “Make it a peaceful visit.”

  “It’s never peaceful when her parents are around,” he shrugged his shoulders and closed the door. He walked around the back of the car, tapped the trunk and I pulled off.

  I spent the past few days moving clothes and anything I had into Staten’s house. Priest wasn’t happy that I kept coming when he wasn’t there. He wanted to sit down and talk, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I was hurt, angry and bitter. That bitch came into our lives for a matter of a few weeks and she was able to take what was mine. Priest was mine. I made him whole again after being broken for so many years. She was able to take something and share something that I thought was only reserved for me and him. It hurt me to think that he had sex with her and enjoyed it. As much as he wanted to fix things, I wasn’t in the mood to fix anything. In my eyes, he had done the worst thing he could have possibly done to me. If the cheating wasn’t bad enough, he was so consumed with his cheating that he missed the birth of our daughter. Tears always came to my eyes when I thought about how I would reminisce on the birth of my daughter, and his cheating and missing her
birth would always be in the back of my head. Of course, I would never tell her what happened between me and her father, but I would know and that was just as bad.

  “Sorry, I’m late. Zamari was cutting up with Love before I left,” Kiss came to the table and hugged me.

  She wanted to meet at a coffee shop to talk. I sipped my coffee and looked at her as she placed her Givenchy Antigona purse on the empty chair. Kiss loved to shop with her uncle’s money. That bag cost over two thousand dollars, and here she was a new mother rocking that bag. Some mothers couldn’t afford a Michael Kors bag and she was walking around care-free with this bag. That was the perk of living with Priest. He was generous with money and it was nice to be able to shop whenever you want, but I refused to stay with a man because of what he could offer.

  “How’s my baby boo doing?”

  “Bad as hell,” she rolled her eyes. “With you gone, I’ve had to step in with him and the girls,” she sighed.

  “Well, do you see how hard it was for me?”

  “Absolutely. I wanted to talk to you about some things that have been on my chest.”

  “Okay…”

  “I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I know I’ve been so ungrateful and a down right bitch about everything. Even with me acting like that, you’ve always been there for me and never turned your back on me, and I appreciate it.”

  “Kiss, you know I would do anything for you and the girls. I love you, Zamari and the girls so much.”

  “I know you do. My mom died when I was young, so it’s hard for me to trust women. Especially when my uncle is involved. Women only want to be bothered with us because of him and his money. He always makes sure to let them know we’re a package deal, and they agree, but then they realize that his life isn’t as glamorous and carefree like they originally thought. Marisol and his relationship were on the low, so we didn’t know until it was ending and she wasn’t working with us anymore. When you came in, I was hesitant because of your situation. But, the more you were around, the more I saw how much you cared for me and the girls. I just wanted to apologize for all that I’ve been doing and how I’ve been acting.”