A Staten Island Love Letter 5

by Jahquel J

  “I have my good and bad days.”

  “What type of day is today?” Priest asked walking through the door. I could tell something was wrong because he didn’t look like himself.

  “Don’t worry about me, what’s good with you?” I asked, as I hugged him.

  He sighed and took a seat in the living room. “Kiki tried to kill herself in school,” he revealed. Staten dropped the spoon he held in his hand.

  “Why the fuck didn’t you tell us? How and when this shit happen?” I asked, worried about Kiki.

  “Ghost, we all got a lot of shit going on and I didn’t need to add that onto anyone’s plate. It happened last week,” he revealed.

  “And you didn’t think to tell any of us?” Staten left his table on the counter and came and sat beside me.

  “Man, a lot been happening and I was trying to keep everything under control. That shit scared the fuck out of me, so I’m sorry if I didn’t think to call y’all,” he stood up and started pacing the floor.

  “Nah, we’re family and wanted to be there for you both,” I told him. “How is she doing?” I had been around Kiki since she was damn near a baby. To hear that she tried to kill herself killed a piece of me because I looked at the girls like my little sisters.

  “She’s home and resting. I pulled her out of school for the rest of the year. I’m gonna find a tutor who can come to the house and make sure she is up to speed on work.”

  “Did she tell you why?”

  “Fucking bullying, man. Them pale ass fucking crackers at her school pick on her about everything. The boys even do shit to her and she couldn’t take it.”

  “I hate when they say that words don’t hurt because that shit do. Some of the most hurtful shit to happen to me was with words,” Staten said.

  “Word,” I agreed.

  “Justice knows?”

  “Nah.”

  “Don’t you think she should know?”

  “Nah,” he replied being short. I could tell he was shutting down and didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

  “You know just because she’s upset doesn’t mean that she stopped caring. Those girls mean just as much to her too.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  “How’s Yasmine?” Staten switched the subject.

  “Last I spoke to the doctor; she was doing good. They want to perform some more test on her, since she was born early to make sure everything is still good.”

  “That’s good. And Lavern?”

  “I ended shit with her. If me and Justice gonna have a chance, I knew I couldn’t do it with her around.”

  “And she took that fine?”

  “Nah, she got Justice’s number and been calling and texting her. When she told me, I couldn’t even focus because my mind was on Kiki.”

  “Damn…,” I whistled. Priest didn’t mean any harm when he started fucking around with Lavern. I knew he was chasing a memory and thought it would be the same. While acting in his own selfishness, he didn’t see the harm and pain he was bringing to Justice until it was too late. It only took one mistake, and he learned that his one mistake cost him the love of his life. I prayed that the both of them could come back together and make their relationship work. Not even for the sake of Yasmine, but for the both of them. Justice loves Priest, and he loves her too.

  “Enough about me? How’s everything?” he looked at me.

  “I’m good. Today.”

  “That’s what counts, right?”

  I smiled. “Yep.”

  “And you?” he looked at Staten.

  “Maliah’s pregnant.”

  “The fuck you mean Maliah’s pregnant?” Priest asked.

  He leaned back on the couch and sighed. “Me and Maliah has been fucking around, and Messiah knows,” he decided to lay everything out onto the table.

  “How are you even here to tell us this shit? If Messiah knew, she would have tried to kill you.”

  He did a nervous chuckle. “She kind of did.”

  “How did you end up fucking with Maliah? I can’t believe this shit, and then you got her pregnant?” I looked at my younger, dumb brother. How did he always end up in these situations?

  “Me and her had a vibe and started fucking around in Belize. Getting pregnant wasn’t the plan, but she got pregnant and wants to keep it.”

  “Let me guess…. You don’t want the baby, right?” Priest guessed.

  “Nah, I’m excited for the baby. Maliah isn’t no silly hoe who I wouldn’t want to have my baby. She got her head on screw straight, so I know she will be a good mother.”

  “Nigga, her own mother wasn’t even a good mother. She had those girls committing murder before they were old enough to drive. How you think the maternal side gonna kick in for her?” Priest plopped down on the couch just as confused as I was.

  “It’s done and there is no going back. Messiah isn’t happy about the shit, but Maliah is pushing back, so her mother has no choice but to accept shit.”

  “No choice and Messiah in the same sentence?” I asked. Messiah had plenty of choices and all of them included Staten’s ass being shot in the street. She was allowing Maliah and Staten to do their thing because of the love she had for her daughter.

  “Yeah, I’m not even stressing that right now. Chanel mad because I won’t give her the bread for this condo by the beach. It’s five minutes from mommy, but I’m not buying that shit.”

  All I could do was shake my head because Chanel had some nerve to be pissed. He could buy her a damn box and she should be appreciative. “And what you told her?”

  “I told her that I wasn’t buying that condo. If she wants to move, fine, but it’s not going to be in no damn multi-million-dollar condo.”

  “So, because of that you’re not allowed to see Satin?”

  “Nope. It’s sad that I don’t even have a bond with my own daughter. Any little thing and Chanel withholds her from me,” he admitted.

  “You still let her do what she wants, so none of that matters,” I added.

  “What you want me to do? Knock down her parent’s door and take my daughter?”

  “Yeah, if that would help. We saw that baby once she was born and haven’t seen her since. Mommy been wanting to see her and reaching out, but Chanel keeps playing.”

  “Shit, I can’t even see my own seed, so I damn sure can’t help none of y’all,” he shook his head and put his hand over his face. “I’m trying to do my best and it still don’t seem like it’s enough. Then, she keep bringing up us having another baby.”

  “Nigga, if you get her pregnant again, you stupid,” Priest raised his voice and pointed at Staten.

  “I’m not doing that shit. Chanel ass drove me crazy enough with one pregnancy, you think I’ll do that shit again? Hell nah.”

  “Lie to her,” I blurted.

  “Huh?” both he and Priest said.

  “She wants something, right? Lie and tell her that you’re down for baby number two. You’ll get to see the baby, and she thinks you’re down to make baby number two.”

  “Smart,” he replied.

  “And what is going on with you and Maliah? You gonna get into a relationship with her?” I wondered out loud.

  “We’re taking it slow.”

  “Liberty know?” Priest questioned.

  “Nah. She got her own issues and don’t need to be worried about mine right now.”

  I sighed because my brother always managed to get his ass into some sort of trouble. This time, I couldn’t help him out. We sat and chilled for a bit before I headed home to take a nap. It seemed like all my ass did was sleep, but it was well needed. I wanted to be awake with the kids got home so we could watch a movie together or something before Freedom got off from work.

  7

  Maliah

  “I’m tired all the damn time. I be in the trap house knocked the hell out,” I laughed as I laid across my sister’s couch.

  “Pregnancy will do that to you. How has Staten be
en handling it?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I wouldn’t know. We haven’t seen much of each other lately. In passing, he makes sure I’m good, but he hasn’t come over to my house and I haven’t been over to his,” I admitted.

  A month had passed and I was now officially twelve weeks pregnant. I was excited because I never thought I wanted to be a mother. The small changes to my body excited me. Being tired, hungry and cranky all the time wasn’t something I enjoyed, still I couldn’t complain. Staten came to my appointments when he wasn’t busy and I didn’t mind that he missed some. We didn’t need to go to every single one together. Besides eating and sleeping, I held up my end of the deal with my mother. Work was still getting done and I hadn’t been slacking on anything. My mother wasn’t happy about the pregnancy and made sure to let me know each time she saw me. My father on the other hand was excited to become a grandfather. He told me it would take my mother some time to wrap her head around it, but once she did, she would love my baby too. While he saw the positive, I knew my mother and knew if shit didn’t go her way, she would never come around to anything.

  Staten had been busy and I knew Chanel had been giving him hell. I tried to be the baby mother that didn’t get on his nerves and did her own thing. It wasn’t like I needed him for everything. The only thing I missed was feeling him, sliding up inside of me at night, or wrapping his arms around me. Still, I wasn’t going to nag and beg him to spend time with me. Whenever he had time in his schedule, I prayed he would fit me in. In the meantime, I was excited to be having a baby and getting prepared for all of the things that a baby would need. I wished I had my mother to talk to about it. She refused to even acknowledge that I was pregnant. If I didn’t have my father or twin, I probably would have felt alone and would have become clingy to Staten. Since I had them, I didn’t feel the need to always be around him.

  “What are the both of you going to do as far as relationship?” Mariah looked at me as she polished her toes.

  “We’re not thinking about that. Our main focus is this baby. A relationship may come, or it may not.”

  “And what about Liberty?”

  “What about her?” I hated that Mariah always felt the need to bring her up. It didn’t matter what we were talking about it when came to Staten, she always found a way to slip Liberty’s name in there. I didn’t see the reason to always mention someone he was no longer with anymore.

  “You really think he’s just going to give up being with her for you?”

  “I’m not asking him to give up anyone for me. They broke up before me and him even got together.”

  “You don’t think he’ll get back with her?”

  “Time will only tell if he would. Being that she decided to start using again, I highly doubt that he will.”

  “Love is love,” Mariah added. “It doesn’t matter if she sniffed the whole baby powder section in Target. If he loves her, he’ll make exceptions and be with her.”

  “Why do you insist on telling me this?”

  “Because the last thing I want is for you to get hurt. I can see you’re all wrapped into him, but is he feeling the same way?”

  Mariah pissed me off when she did this. It was like she wanted me to be angry with Staten because we hadn’t spent time together. How could I be mad at him? I lived the same life and time wasn’t always on our side when it came to spending time with the people that mattered the most. Mariah didn’t understand because she shopped and waited hand and foot on her boyfriend. She accepted any small window of time he gave her and was fine with that. So, how could she come at me, or judge me about the lack of time me and Staten spent together. My main focus was a healthy baby. Even if we didn’t spend time my whole pregnancy, I knew he would still be a good damn father to our child, so nothing else mattered.

  “Well, stop worrying about me. I’m not your child and I can handle myself… okay?”

  She put her hands up in the air and cut her eyes at me. “Fine. All I’m trying to do is look out for you.”

  “And I appreciate that, but you have to stop trying to run my life. I know what works for me and my life. What works for you, won’t work for me and vice versa,” I told her.

  “Whatever.”

  “Don’t get an attitude about it now,” I rolled my eyes. “What is new with you?”

  “Moving.”

  “Huh?”

  “I think I want to move out of Staten Island. The city or something. Trac doesn’t want me out here anymore and wants me safe.”

  “So because Trac says it, you want to do it?”

  “With him getting deeper in the streets, he wants to make sure that I’m safe at all times,” I couldn’t believe this was coming out of her mouth. Mariah could make a shot from miles away and had grown men piss their pants. This pampered wife role she played pissed me off because I knew she was more than this.

  “Doesn’t he know that you could protect yourself? We’ve been training since we were kids, you could protect yourself better than he could protect you.”

  “What if I’m tired of protecting myself? It feels nice having a man give a damn about you. Mami wanted us to be independent and I know how to be, but I like to feel protected too.”

  “Mami wanted a lot of things for us and we’re doing the opposite.”

  Mariah sighed. “I love Mami, I really do, but she wanted this life. We didn’t ask to miss out on our childhood to train. I want to be a wife, mother and focus on making my house a home for me and my man. Look at you, you’re having a baby. I know you didn’t think that would happen, but you’re the happiest that I’ve seen you because of it.”

  She was right. A baby seemed like it was the end of the world at first, and now I couldn’t see myself not being pregnant. I had so many plans for my baby that it kept me up at night. I wanted my child to have a childhood. Shit, I didn’t even want my kid involved with this life. Me and its father was in the streets, so they needed to go to college and make me proud. I would raise my kid the opposite of me and I couldn’t wait to do it. If my mother was around, it would be awesome because I would love for her to get to know her grandchild. If not, I know where we stand. I knew one thing, the position she put me in, I would never do to my child – ever.

  “In the end, she needs to realize that it’s about what makes us happy. How come daddy can be happy and support us, but she can’t?”

  “Because this isn’t what she wanted for us. What she wants has to be done the way she wants it done. She can’t see that I’m happy with Trac, or you’re happily pregnant. All she sees is that we betrayed her by doing the opposite.”

  “What if Papi acted the same way she did when Daddy met him for the first time? She tends to forget she was on the other side too at one time.”

  “Papi is in Italy, and she doesn’t tell him everything when he does call. I’m tired of living life for her, so I’m doing whatever I want to do,” Mariah scoffed.

  I hated how she chose to live her life, yet I had no other choice than to respect her. She wanted to live the way she wanted because it made her happy. Seeing how much Trac loved my sister, made me happy for her. She had found someone who loved her and wanted to spend their life with her. The added bonus was that he never backed down to my mother and made it his business to talk to my father man to man. How could you hate a man like that? Plain and simple; you couldn’t.

  I leaned up on the couch and grabbed my grape soda. It was the one thing I had been craving. Mariah claimed I was too early on for cravings, but all I wanted was a damn grape soda on ice. When I came over, I had brought a three-liter soda and my own bag of ice. I couldn’t run the risk that she didn’t have any ice or her fridge wasn’t producing any. I needed to know that I had both of the things I wanted.

  “I want a baby,” she randomly blurted.

  “Why? Because I have one?”

  “I had a miscarriage a few months ago. Trac told me he wants to wait to try again.” Mariah never got into the deep logistics of she and Trac’s busi
ness. I never knew she had a miscarriage and probably wouldn’t have if she never told me. They were like Beyoncé and Jay-Z, they told you what they wanted you to know.

  “I’m sorry, Riah. You should have told me.”

  “I didn’t want to tell anyone. It was hard enough and I felt like such a failure for losing the baby. It’s hard to explain,” she sighed.

  “It isn’t your fault. You can’t help what your body does,” I told her. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice or wasn’t there for you. I know I can be selfish and end up wrapped into my own life.”

  “You were there when it mattered. It mattered even more because you were there for me and didn’t know why I needed you.”

  “I’ll always show up for you. If Trac isn’t ready, let him become ready. You both have the rest of your lives to be together and make babies. Don’t rush it, enjoy your man,” I winked.

  “Says the pregnant bitch.”

  “Look, I didn’t plan on losing my virginity and then getting pregnant. Things happened and now I’m sitting here with a baby in my stomach.”

  “I’m really happy for you, Maliah. I can’t wait to be an auntie and help you with everything,” she smiled. I could tell she was excited for me. Even if she didn’t agree on me and Staten’s situation, my sister would always ride for me, no matter what.

  “I know you are. I’m happy that you found Trac. Yeah, I give him shit, but I love how much he loves and respects you. If he wants you to move to protect you, then I support it.”

  “Girl, he was buying me a penthouse in the city, I was going with or without your blessing.” We both fell out laughing because it was true. Hell, if someone offered me that, I would take it too.

  You home?

  Nah.

  I’m heading to your crib. I smiled when I saw his message and started gathering my things. The fact that this was the first time I would be seeing him in a few weeks, made me smile. I wanted to just smell him and see his face.

  “Where the hell you going?” Mariah saw me gathering my things up and slipping my feet into my sneakers.

  “I gotta meet someone about something. If I don’t, I’ll hear Mami’s mouth.”