A Staten Island Love Letter 5

by Jahquel J

  “He knows all of that. I made sure to tell him all of that.”

  Free shook her head. “Married, Liberty? You’re determined to send me to an early grave. Why can’t you just be with him, why do you have to marry him?” she wondered.

  “Because he asked me to marry him. I love him,” I admitted.

  “Love him?” Justice spat. “You need to fall in love with yourself first before trying to marry a nigga. Focus on you.”

  “I could have said the same thing about you jumping from your ex right to Priest, but I supported your ass. I’m not asking for you both to try and piece together what I’m doing. All I’m asking is for you both to support me, even if you don’t agree.”

  “It’s your life. I don’t give a damn what you do with it.” Justice stood up. “Oh, and I jumped to Priest because he showed me love. You’ve been high jumping from nigga to nigga, without being worried about your son. The only man you should be worried about is your son; Chance.”

  “When I get on my feet, I’m going to move him back to the city.”

  Justice cackled so loud that a few people surrounding us turned to look our way. “If you want to be a good mother, leave Chance where he is. Lord knows he can’t afford to find you sprawled on the couch unconscious too,” she snapped. “Free, I’ll call you later. Thank God I borrowed Staten’s car,” she mumbled on her way out.

  Justice hated me and there was nothing I could do that would change the way she felt. I could hear the hate and hurt drip off her tongue when she spoke to me. Even when she looked at me, it wasn’t the same as before. She looked disgusted and upset that she even had to be in my presence.

  “She’ll come around. Justice is dealing with so much that I can’t even get through to her sometimes,” Free tried to soften the blow that Justice had threw.

  “She hates me, and I know it’s my fault.”

  “Justice doesn’t hate you. She’s hurt and still dealing with finding you unconscious. That’s a lot for someone to deal with, so give her a break.”

  “I am.”

  “You’re not. The way you just tried to diss her for moving on to be with Priest wasn’t you giving her a break. She just had her daughter months early, Priest missed the birth because he was cheating and if that wasn’t enough, she found you damn near dead. She has a lot going on and is probably trying to sort things out. Be easy on her.”

  “Alright,” I agreed.

  “I love you and I’m proud of you. You took that first step without any of us forcing you. So, for that, I’m so proud of you,” she told me and rubbed my hand. “I want to meet this fiancé of yours.”

  “Whenever you want.”

  “Okay. Schedule something for tomorrow. I’ll get out the office early.”

  “K.”

  “Can you do me a favor?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can you ask Staten to come up here? The last time we were together it didn’t end right, and I want to apologize to him. More than anyone, he has wanted me to get clean and I just want him to see that I’m clean and that I’m going to do it for real this time.”

  “I can call him and tell him. Being completely honest, I thought you and Staten would be getting married.”

  “Once upon a time ago, I thought the same,” I admitted. “I know he’ll be hesitant since I barked his head off last time, but can you please tell him to come.”

  “Staten does what he wants, but I’ll do my best to convince him to come.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Anytime.” We sat chatting for a minute before visitation hours were over. I wished like hell I was leaving out with my sister. Being in this place was what was best for me, but sometimes I wished that I could walk out those doors and live a regular life. One day… One day.

  9

  Staten

  I’m way too good at goodbyes – Sam Smith

  It took me a week to come up to this rehab center to visit Liberty. When Free told me that she wanted to see me, I was hesitant. Since she barked on me the last time, I was letting her live her life the way she wanted. Shit, I had a bunch of other shit going on in my own life, so if she wanted me out, I was giving her the space she wanted. I was surprised when Free told me that she decided to admit herself into rehab. It took a lot for her to do something like that, so the least I could do was come up to visit her. I turned my car off and walked through the gravel parking lot to the front door. This place was nothing like the place I had paid for before. Liberty couldn’t afford that place, so I understood why she chose this place. When I walked through the door, I signed my name and was shown to the visitation room. I decided to sit outside since it was a nice day. Being inside this place had me feeling like I was visiting a homie on lock down.

  “Hey, you,” I heard from behind me.

  I turned around and Liberty was standing there wearing a green maxi dress that fell down to the floor. Her hair was curled, and a piece was pinned back to keep from falling in her face. She didn’t have a lick of make-up on. That was when I found her to be the most beautiful anyway.

  “What’s good?” I walked over to her and hugged her. She smelled like French vanilla and lilacs. My arms swallowed her whole frame in our embrace.

  “I’m just hanging,” she smiled. “Sit,” she pointed to the picnic table behind us.

  I took a seat and stared into her face. “You look good, Lib.”

  She messed with a piece of hair, and that’s when I noticed a big ass rock sitting on her ring finger. Liberty noticed when I saw it and quickly put her hand down. “Thank you,” she stammered.

  “What’s the ring about?”

  She looked away, then looked back. Our eyes connected and I refused to let her look away again. “I’m engaged, Staten.”

  “Engaged? Stop fronting.”

  Her face remained serious. Liberty was too silly to hold this in, if she was joking. “I’m serious. I got engaged a week ago.”

  The shit hit me like a sack of bricks. I knew we weren’t in a good place, yet I thought I always had time to get my girl back. With her being engaged, there was no way I would be able to get my girl back.

  “Who is this nigga?”

  “Nobody that you know,” she vaguely replied. “I didn’t ask you to come here for that.”

  “So why the fuck did you ask me to come? That big ass ring would have been hard to fucking miss.”

  “I didn’t even know he was going to get me a ring until he popped up with the ring last week. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Nah, why would that hurt me?” I acted like that shit was water and rolled off me. On the inside, my heart was beating and the thought of me and Liberty ever being together seemed to be fading more and more.

  “Good. I’m glad you’re not hurt. I wanted to apologize for the last time we had saw each other. You’ve always been the one to help me, despite everything. I always push and fight with you, but you never had let me down when it came to helping me,” she pulled a envelope from under the table. “Here’s a check for the cost of the rehab that you paid for. I wasted your time and money and I’m sorry for that.”

  “How’d you get this money?”

  “My fianc—”

  “I’ll slap the shit out of you. Don’t you ever hand me the next nigga’s money. I did that shit because I cared for you, not because I wanted my money back.”

  She removed the envelope and stared at me before she spoke. “What is it that you want from me?”

  “Liberty, all I have ever wanted was just you. I wanted you and only you, but me wanting you was never enough for you. You fought me every step of the way until eventually you didn’t want this anymore.”

  Your mom isn’t answering the phone. I need her to watch Satin. I have to fly to Miami, cousin graduation, I saw Chanel’s text pop up on the screen.

  Chanel was starting to remind me of Shakira’s ass. When my moms wanted the baby, she wanted to act like she was busy, but the moment she had to do something it was alright for my mo
m to take the baby.

  “We’re not good for each other. Too much has happened, and I can admit the reason so much has happened was because of me. You didn’t deserve the shit I put you through.”

  “And the next nigga does? You put me through shit, but then go and love the next nigga? Why does he get the version of you that I’ve been begging for?”

  Hellooooooooooo.

  I sighed looking at another text message that Chanel had sent.

  “This shit will follow me for the rest of my life, so I disagree with him getting the best version of me. I just want you to be happy and find someone who loves as hard as you,” her voice cracked.

  “Nah, don’t do that crying shit,” I told her and looked away.

  “I can’t help it, Staten. I love you and don’t want you to hurt.”

  “If you love me, give that man his ring back and be with me. That’s what someone who loves me would do.”

  “I can’t….”

  “Bet. I wish you the best, Liberty. I really do. I want you to find happiness within yourself and not another situation. You already know that I’m a phone call away if you need me,” I stood up and walked over to her side. I bent down and kissed her forehead. “Keep your head up, you got this.”

  She was crying and I didn’t want to stay and see her hurting. I couldn’t change her mind and that big ass ring on her finger already told me that she made her decision. I had never wanted to be with a woman so bad in my entire life. Yet, I had to realize that I couldn’t have something that didn’t want me back. If me and Liberty was meant to be, then we would be together. At the end of the day, I just wanted her clean and happy so she could be a good mother to Chance. He didn’t deserve any of the shit that she was putting him through when she checked into these rehabs. He was the only person that mattered, and I prayed that she allowed herself to get the help she needed and didn’t use this new nigga as a crutch.

  I guess Chanel got tired of texting and before I knew it, she was calling me. When I got into my car, I decided to call her back. She didn’t let the phone ring before she was on the phone.

  “Shaliq, why do I have to text and call like a mad woman?”

  “You acting like I don’t be busy. I got your message and I’m on my way to pick her up,” I told her and ended the call.

  I would be fronting if I lied and said I didn’t miss when me and Chanel were just friends. I missed us having conversations and not doing this arguing shit. All we did was argue about shit that I couldn’t control. She wanted me to stop working so much, I tried to dial back the hours, then when I did, she complained that she felt smothered and I treated her like she didn’t know how to take care of Satin. Nothing was ever good enough for her and I was tired as fuck trying to please her. Her new issue was that she wanted a new place because she was tired of staying with her parents. What confused the shit out of me was that she had her own place and was choosing to stay with her parents, in her old bedroom.

  When I offered to move her, she refused. Now, she refused to move unless it was the condos that cost in the millions. I understood my daughter needed to have a nice place to lay her head down, yet she didn’t have to live in no damn million-dollar condo. Shit, she wouldn’t know the damn difference. Chanel just wanted to show off and let everyone know that she had a baby daddy that made shit happen. I didn’t understand why she felt the need to please all her friends, who had broke ass baby daddies. I could buy her a toy stroller and it would still be more than any of their baby daddies ever provided.

  On my way to Chanel’s parents’ house, I called my mother. Me and Satin would be good, but when I had to head out, I needed my mother to watch her while I was gone. Chanel acted like I didn’t know how to raise my own daughter. If she stopped always being a helicopter parent, then I would have learned half the shit I needed to learn about Satin already. It wasn’t only her; it was her parents too.

  “Hey baby boy!” my mother answered the phone. I needed to check in more with my old lady.

  “What’s up, mama? How you?”

  “I’m good. Me and Mirror just got back from the nail shop.”

  “Tell Mir, I said what’s up?”

  “Miss you, Staten!” I heard Mirror yell through the phone. It had been a minute since I kicked it with baby sis. Mirror lived her life and didn’t like to involve anyone into it. Shit, she could be married with kids and none of us would know because she kept that shit secret.

  “We gotta get up,” I promised her.

  “Soon,” she replied.

  “What’s going on with you? You don’t ever call,” my mama already was hip to my bullshit. “You okay, right?”

  “I’m good, mama. Chanel is going out of town for a few days and I’m gonna have Satin. When I’m working through the day, you mind keeping an eye on her?”

  “Now you know I don’t. Bring her by whenever. I want to spend as much time as I can before her mama comes back.”

  “I got you,” I told her and ended the call just as I pulled up to her parent’s house.

  Outside, I sent her a text message. Since Satin’s birth, I didn’t fuck with her parents and it would always be like that.

  Chanel came out the door, struggling with all Satin’s stuff. I got out the car and helped her down the stairs. “I typed out a list for your mother to follow.”

  “I’m going to be caring for her. Why would I drop her off to my mother when she’s my daughter?”

  “Oh, so you’re going to be baby-sitting. Well, follow the list. I spent two hours on it.”

  “Chanel, no grown man baby sits his kids. The fuck you think this is?”

  “Anyway, I’ll be back in four days. My cousin graduates, so I’m going for that and to spend time out there. I need a getaway. She has enough pumped milk packed. If she needs more, my dad is staying, so call him and he’ll drop some more from the freezer off to you.”

  “Ight.”

  “Let me go get her. Put the adapter into the car,” she told me as she jogged back up the steps.

  Chanel wasn’t like those celebrities on Instagram; models who bragged about their snapback. Satin was two months old and she still had about sixty pounds on her. I liked that shit because it showed me that she real. A bitch who was skinny a week after giving birth was weird to me. I wanted to see you thick and still working that shit off. Carrying a baby and then delivering one wasn’t no easy shit, so getting the weight off wasn’t either. I put the adapter into the car and leaned on my car while waiting for her to return with the baby. When she came down, I gently grabbed my daughter and kissed her on the lips. I missed her little rubber like lips.

  “Damn, she looking more and more like you,” I kissed her again on the lips and placed her into the car seat.

  “Cause I did that,” she bragged. “She’s just beautiful like her mama,” she handed me a mirror that allowed me to see her when I was driving.

  “I have some say in it too. Cause it was my soldiers that got her here,” I winked.

  “Whatever. You better take care of my baby.”

  “She’s mine too. I got her. Relax,” I told her and checked on a sleeping Satin once more before getting into the car. “Text me when you land.”

  “I will. You better follow those instructions,” she made sure to mention again.

  I pulled off and headed home. After sitting down with Liberty earlier, I wasn’t in the mood to do shit else, except lay-up and chill with my baby girl. My phone rang and I thought it was Chanel, but it was Maliah. I pressed the button and her voice came through the phone.

  “Do you wanna know what we’re having?” she asked.

  “How do you know?”

  “My doctor was able to see, and she told me,” she sounded mad excited. Her excitement made me excited.

  “Tell me,” I was excited to know what we would be having. Maliah had been real low-key with her pregnancy. She didn’t complain or make excuses like Chanel’s ass did. She barely mentioned the baby unless I did. If she was this lai
d back and cool, parenting with her would be a breeze.

  “We’re having a little boy,” she screamed through the phone.

  “Word! Yes, I got my little boy!” I hollered back. Satin screamed out and then stuck her hand into her mouth to soothe herself.

  “I’m so happy. I don’t think I could have done a girl… you have your daughter?”

  “Man, I can’t do two daughters. I’m mad excited. Thank you. Yeah, Chanel going out of town.”

  “No, thank you. You could have told me to get rid of it, and wanted no parts, but you’ve been here for me as much as time allows,” she said. “And, I’ll link with you later. Enjoy time with the little one.”

  “Nah, come by my crib.”

  “Okay,” she agreed.

  We ended the call and I drove to the supermarket and grabbed a cake. I had the baker scribble some words on it and then went to the party aisle. By the time I got to the crib, I was wondering how all mothers did this shit. All I did was grab three items and Satin cut up the entire time. She shitted, so I had to go into the men’s bathroom and change her. Why the hell didn’t they have changing tables in the men’s bathroom? By the time I made it to pay and got into the car I needed a damn nap before I could head home. Then, once we got into the house, she screamed so damn loud I’m sure the neighbors thought I was trying to kill her. I followed the directions that Chanel sent, and she was calm and eating within three minutes. After I burped her, I took her into the nursery I had done for her and laid her down. She looked at me for a few before her eyes started to flutter open and close. Eventually, she lost the fight and went to sleep.

  While she was sleep, I blew up balloons and sat out the cake. This was Maliah’s first child and her mother already wasn’t excited or wanted to be apart, so as her baby’s father, I had to make it special for her. Women always threw those gender reveal shits, and since she didn’t do it, she deserved some kind of celebration. Even if it was something small, she deserved to be celebrating because she was welcoming life into this world. By the time I set everything up, I had to go and feed Satin and change her into pajamas. By that time, I was tired and climbed on the couch to rest my eyes. I jumped out of my sleep when I heard someone banging on the front door. The drool was on my faux fur pillows and shit. I crept to the front door and when I saw Maliah, I let her in.