Archy had started, and mismatched socks, one
teen miles from St. Pandarus, where they lived
orange striped, one fuchsia.
now. They’d seen it being built. He was curi-
“Love your ensemble, babycakes,” said Jer-
ous.
ry. “I gather the washing machine repair guy
“Yeah,” she said. “I meant to show that to
hasn’t checked in yet?”
you. Want to drive out tomorrow for a look?”
She laughed and struck a provocative pose,
He shrugged. Their present house, though
using a colored brochure as a fan from behind
gracious in a quirky way, was eating up their
which to f lirt. “What did the roofer guy say,
income with repairs. Jerry made pretty good
tom-cat?”
money as a sales manager, although he spent
He snapped her waistband and gave her a
his spare hours working on a poetry collec-
smooch. “We’ll have a new roof without
tion about dunkleosteus romance and despair.
holes. We got the f ifteen-year guarantee, but
Charlize’s latest painting, “A Swarm of
we’ll need a third mortgage to pay for it. You
Ichthyosaurs Attacking the Horse Crab Nebu-
want to see the color chips?”
la,” had won top awards in several countries,
She patted his behind suggestively with the
but she had sold only that one painting this
brochure. “Oh, baby. All this, and color chips
year; her work only brought in enough to al-
too? Who cares! Our old repair guy, by the
low them a few luxuries such as trips to the fa-
way, no longer answers his phone. Maybe he
mous Blue Whale monument of Catoosa,
decided to go north after Hurricane Kalliope.
Oklahoma.
HOBSON’S CHOICES
87
ANALOG
* * *
be great to have a bathroom right there so I
Although Goodenough Village seemed a lit-
could wash up when I was finished with my
tle bland, with its trichromatic color scheme,
watercolors.”
it was pretty enough. They parked their an-
Ms. Call-me-Gigi brightened. “Oh, watercol-
tique Volvo in front of a sign that said BE A
or! That’s one of the hobby groups we offer.”
SATISFICER, NOT A MAXIMIZER, and ven-
“Wait a minute,” said Jerry. “You mean if my
tured into the office. The woman behind the
wife decided she wanted to do three-dimen-
desk was wearing a blue skirted suit that
sional beading, like that—what’s her name?—
somehow, to Jerry’s eye, didn’t f it her quite
Liza Lou. You mean Liza Lou couldn’t live
right, but it was obviously an expensive outfit,
here?”
and she had a nice smile.
“Oh, that’s not it at all,” Ms. Call-me-Gigi
“This is a whole new living concept,” she
laughed, a tinkling, reassuring laugh. “But we
said. Call me Gigi, her little gold badge said.
do have a watercolor hobby program. The
“Research shows that, although people want
others are gardening, pottery, photography,
choice, they f ind a bewildering variety of
and book club. You understand, there’s a kiln
choices frustrating. In fact, when men were
here. But we don’t have, oh, let’s say a bead
asked to pick through three hundred and nine-
loom.”
ty tie samples, they reported no greater satis-
“What about fishing?”
faction with their final selection than they did
“That’s a sport. We have softball, golf—”
when offered only five choices.”
Jerry looked at the brochure. He had seen
“You can say that again,” said Jerry. He shot
these pastimes mentioned in the brochure but
a glance at Charlize, who looked more doubt-
hadn’t conceptualized that the owners of a
ful.
Goodenough condo would be restricted to
“We offer f ive basic f loor plans. Our deco-
just the ones listed.
rators, over in Goodenough Village Mall, can
“She can’t paint oils?”
guide you through our color schemes for the
“Of course she can paint! It’s just—we
interiors. “Interested enough to take a look at
don’t offer it as a choice here.”
one of the units that’s available?”
Jerry’s headache of the previous evening
While Ms. Call-me-Gigi’s hamsterlike male
was returning, ever so faintly, but he figured,
secretary ran Jerry and Charlize’s credit histo-
what did it matter?
ry, she showed them around.
“Could we add a bathroom in the down-
“They seem a little bland,” said Charlize.
stairs bedroom later?” asked Charlize.
“Good quality construction, though.”
“If you still want to after you’ve been here
“Which model do you think you like best?”
awhile. You can choose among our three con-
Ms. Call-me-Gigi asked. She’d been ticking
tractors—”
items off on a list since they started the tour.
At the end of the tour, Charlize said, “Well,
“Uh, I guess the Hoover,” Charlize, simulta-
Goodenough Village is all very nice, but we’d
neously with Jerry’s “The Buchanan, definite-
need to sell our present home and look at
ly.” Both jumped, then laughed. “We’d have to
whether our furniture would fit—”
talk,” Jerry said.
Ms. Call-me-Gigi beamed. “We actually have
Charlize said, “Is there any way we could
a service to market your old house and dis-
get the extra bath in the corner of the down-
pose of your furniture. That is, if you would
stairs bedroom in the Hoover? The model’s
prefer our Goodenough Quality home furnish-
otherwise almost perfect.”
ings. There’s ample variety: antique, Danish
Ms. Call-me-Gigi looked at them with a flick-
modern, contemporary, rustic, and colonial.
er of distaste. “Actually, we limit to just the
And a wide color selection. They harmonize.”
five choices. We find that our owners prefer
“I like our furniture,” Jerry whined.
the smaller number of options, because each
The agent paused. “Oh, that’s your choice.
has been architecturally engineered to be
Of course. Like everything else.”
good enough. An additional bath—we just
As they were going out, Jerry thought again
think that’s likely to detract from the basic
of the sign, BE A SATISFICER, NOT A MAXI-
concept.”
MIZER, and asked, “By the way, what is a Sat-
“But, see, I paint on Saturdays, and it would
isf icer?” He was sure the agent would blush
88
MARY A. TURZILLO
JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2018
and explain that it was a misspelling they
Pandarus could offer quite as good
financing
hadn’t had time to correct.
deals as the three dealerships near Goode-
But instead she said, “A Satisficer is the op-
nough Mall: Satisfactory Motors, More Than
posite of a Maximizer. Maximizers want the
Adequate Luxury Cars, and Basic Transporta-
very best, a very self-destructive frame of
tion.
mind. Satisficers, in contrast, don’t waste a lot
So they bought a car that Jerry kept forget-
of time insisting on a large number of options.
ting the make of—something from Japan or
They want just what’s good enough.” She
Korea, or maybe domestic, he wasn’t sure. It
smiled. “Psychologists have found that Satisfi-
had a funny name, but it sounded just like the
cers are happier and more content with their
funny names of the other f ive cars they of-
lot in life.”
fered. It came in red, pearl, gunmetal, black,
“Well, that seems counterintuitive,” mut-
and silver. They chose silver. At least he
tered Charlize.
thought that was what they decided on. At
least it had air conditioning. You couldn’t get it
Lorilee wasn’t thrilled when she heard of
without, and stick shift wasn’t offered, either.
her parents’ decision to move from St. Pan-
Shortly after they drove it home, Jerry got a
darus, but they reminded her there would be
big Marvin-the-Martian sticker to put on the
an extra room upstairs for her synthesizer.
back window, because otherwise, he could
Plus, Wi-Fi was free.
never pick it out from any other car in the
The move was quick and easy, since Goode-
parking lot at work.
nough offered a choice of three movers, all
Lorilee’s boyfriend Archy said he thought
rated at least B+ by the local St. Pandarus Con-
he could get the transmission on the raspber-
sumer Cherub’s List. None of the movers were
ry Volvo f ixed so Lorilee could drive it back
on the A+ list because Goodenough felt it
and forth to school when she got her license.
would be unfair to the others. And they
Kids!
couldn’t afford to offer discounts if they were
Charlize continued to take the bus, not that
dealing only with A+ companies. Nothing got
she had a choice.
broken except Jerry’s grannie’s elephant-
shaped teapot, and he decided he could glue
Their old house didn’t sell, but the bridge
it together some evening. After all, think of
mortgage they had from the Satisfactory Fi-
the time he would save by not going to stores
nance company wasn’t strapping them for
with a bewildering variety of groceries,
cash. They worried a bit, but not much. The
clothes, drugs, house-wares, off ice supplies,
f ive hobbies, three volunteer organizations,
but instead using just what had been selected
and seven leisure sports underwritten by
as good enough by Goodenough Life Styles.
Goodenough Life Styles took their minds off
Charlize grumbled that she couldn’t f ind
their troubles.
her mango-pomegranate shampoo in Fills-the-
Jerry had always been pretty intuitive, and
Bill, the Goodenough Mall drugstore. And she
he somehow suspected that Lorilee wasn’t en-
would have to mail order Lapsang Souchong
tirely happy. She didn’t complain much about
tea, because apparently it was either not Good
decorating her room in one of the color
Enough or Too Good for the supermarket. But
schemes offered: the decorators weren’t en-
anything could be mail-ordered, Jerry remind-
tirely clueless and did have a Goth package
ed her. Except, of course, for his grandmoth-
with skull wallpaper, cobweb drapes, and
er’s teapot.
black fur upholstered futon. But there was
They soon got the message that the neigh-
something else going on, and finally he asked
bors thought their vintage Volvo (why had
her.
they had it repainted raspberry pink and re-
“Dad, Archy says I’m getting too bland. He
upholstered it with aqua and black faux leop-
says whenever he wants to discuss something
ard fur?) didn’t quite fit in. So, when it started
serious, I just say ‘whatever.’ Am I bland,
developing transmission problems that the
Dad?”
Goodenough mechanic didn’t stock parts to
“Of course not! Next year you’ll be able to
f ix, they shopped around for a new car. No-
drive the Volvo. He won’t say you’re bland
body in the distant car dealerships around St.
then.”
HOBSON’S CHOICES
89
ANALOG
“Yeah,” she said. “Except, didn’t you hear?
trivial, is silly. Unless you want it to be. Hey,
The condo association wants us to have cars
don’t tickle me!”
painted colors that look good with the hous-
“You’re one in a million, tiger,” she mur-
es.”
mured.
Jerr y didn’t know what to say. “Silver,
maybe? Or, black’s a good color.”
“He’s moving to Australia!” Lorilee shrieked.
She curled her lip at him. “Black’s not a col-
“I’ll never see him again!”
or, Dad.”
“What, what, what? Who’s moving?” Jerry
was blindsided with shock.
“She’s growing up,” Charlize said as she and
“Archy,” she sobbed.
Jerry lay in their color-coordinated bedroom
Jerry slumped on the color-coordinated
that night in a post-coital pillow chat. “I don’t
chintz couch. This was pretty serious. Archy
know. I think it’s hard for kids these days. Too
and Lorilee had been a pair since seventh
many options: where should they go to col-
grade, and they not only were longtime girl
lege? What career should they pursue?”
and boyfriend, they had that garage band to-
“Those were always choices,” Jerry mur-
gether.
mured. “Always such tough choices.”
Charlize came in, pulled off her painting
“But there are more choices now, baby. The
smock, and gathered her daughter into her
library back near our old house carries a refer-
arms. “Honey, you can still be with him. We’ll,
ence book of Occupational Titles, and it’s dou-
let’s see, we can help you out with travel mon-
bled in size in the last fifteen years. How can a
ey to go see him in the summer. And there’s e-
kid choose? The universities offer more cours-
mail. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Honest.”
es, too. Even high school. It used to be, for lan-
“Why’s he moving?” asked Jerry.
guages, you could take French or Spanish. If it
“He wants to get away f
rom me!”
was a really big high school, maybe Russian
Jerry and Charlize stared at each other, com-
and German. Now, our little girl is trying to de-
pletely at a loss.
cide if she wants to take Japanese, Mandarin,
“How can he just move away like that?” Jer-
or Korean.”
ry asked.
“How about Klingon?”
Lorilee’s sobs subsided into hiccups.
She rolled over and gave him a playful
“Tell us, sweetheart,” Charlize soothed.
swipe. “So she can communicate with her fa-
“He asked his parents to send him to some
ther? I’m serious! These kids are lost in a can-
sort of fancy music school over there. He said
dy shop.”
I was getting too—too—derivative.”
“Well, when they f inish the new high
Derivative? Meaning bland? But his daugh-
school here, there’ll be more guidance. Not as
ter wasn’t bland. She’d decided to take that
much frivolous choice.”
weird course in pre-Christian Greek music.
She rolled over and stared into the darkness.
She dressed the same way as before they’d
They could have been anywhere. The color
come to Goodenough Estates. Well, almost
scheme could have been purple polka dots
the same. Those funky thrift shops she used to
with chartreuse panda bears. “I wish I could
go to were a bit far away.
find a bra that fits.”
He measured his words. “Archy is being
“What?” The total change of subject rocked
very shallow if he thinks you lack originality.
him out of his dreamy reverie.
You’ll find another fella. A boy that will appre-
“I guess I’m between sizes.”
ciate you.”
He said cautiously, because this apparently
“Thanks, Dad.” She wiped her nose on her
was a big thing for her, though he couldn’t
sleeve and darted upstairs.
imagine what would be a comparable prob-
He couldn’t f igure out if the “thanks” was
lem for a man, “You tried Goodenough Mall?”
sincere or ironic.
“Five sizes, three colors. None of them fit.
I’ll shop on the Internet tomorrow. Sorry to
Ms. Call-me-Gigi came by one evening. She
bother you with silliness.”
gushed over how well their color-coordinated
He grabbed her around the waist and pulled
geraniums went with the fencing. Jerry won-
her close. “Nothing about you, no matter how
dered if she got paid by the gush.
90
MARY A. TURZILLO
Analog Science Fiction and Fact Page 25