JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2018
“Like some iced tea?” Charlize asked.
“Uh. What can I say?” Charlize was slowly
“I love iced tea! Did you get it at the new
smiling. Jerry knew what she was thinking.
market?”
This would be a nice little addition to their
“No, actually, it’s from the Internet.”
scholarship savings account for Lorilee’s mu-
“How interesting. By the way, I’m sorry
sic school tuition.
your old condo hasn’t sold yet.”
“Make it three thou, and I’m in,” said Charl-
“House, not condo,” said Jerry. “We liked it
ize.
there. Oh, there were lots of problems; it’s an
old, quirky building, but it had its charms.”
“Internet dating sites?” Jerry said doubtfully
“Why do you think it doesn’t sell?” asked
to his daughter. “In the first place, those aren’t
Charlize.
exactly safe. You might think you’re e-mailing
“Well, you could always lower the price.”
a nice sixteen-year-old boy and f ind out later
Charlize and Jerry stole glances at each oth-
he’s a prisoner in for armed robbery.”
er. They’d already lowered it twice, way under
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dad. Like I’m going out
the appraisal. They suspected that Goode-
with somebody before I check him out. All my
nough Realty wasn’t bothering to show the
girlfriends are doing this, and none of them
house. But since they had an exclusive, the re-
have gotten abducted by slavering serial
quirement for the f inancing they had here,
rapists. This is the twenty-first century.”
they couldn’t complain.
“What happened to dating boys at your old
“Or you could sell it to Goodenough. Head-
school?”
quarters has been thinking of buying out that
“They’re all boring,” said Lorilee. Then, re-
whole block and putting in another Goode-
luctantly, “And they don’t like dating girls
nough Life Style development. For lower in-
from Goodenough. They claim we’re too—
come people. But that’s just in the planning
uh, like robots, I think is what one guy said.”
stages. We haven’t approached any of the oth-
“My daughter, my darling, you are not a ro-
er owners, you understand.” She put her iced
bot!” His mind was a mass of confused images.
tea down with a slight moue of distaste, and
His little girl, who composed music and
recrossed her legs. “That’s not what I came to
played it on her synthesizer, charming, witty
talk to you about though.”
Lorilee, who—well, wait a minute. Her previ-
Oh no, thought Jerry. Here it comes. Lo-
ous boyfriend thought she was getting too
rilee’s music (though it could hardly be heard
bland. But he was wrong! She had a sense of
from the street).
humor! She wore what the other girls from
“It’s about the watercolors,” said Call-me-
Goodenough wore—
Gigi.
He was confused. It was time to admit it.
“You said watercolor was one of the hob-
“Lorilee, what about dating guys from Goode-
bies offered. Inside our own house—”
nough?”
“Oh no no no!” That tinkling laughter.
Her lip curled slightly. “I want to sign up for
“Dear me. No, we want you to judge the art
a dating service. I need your approval.”
show!”
Jerry’s mind was busy. He went to his own
“Me?”
laptop and looked at the thousands of dating
“Of course! There will be displays all up and
services offered. But a teenager! His little girl!
down Adequate Alley. It’ll bring in people
Lorilee walked up behind him. He saw her
from the outside, so we’re thinking of it as a
face ref lected faintly in his laptop screen.
sort of promotional gimmick. Goodenough is
“Anyway, I need a date for this prom thing.”
offering prizes, too. A thousand dollars, f ive
“I thought they didn’t do proms in the
hundred, and then three one-hundred-dollar
twenty-first century.”
prizes.”
“Yeah, well, things change.”
“Wow,” said Jerry. “Hey, kitten, maybe you
“This prom thing, it’s not one of those
better decline being a judge so you can enter.”
overnighters, is it?”
Call-me-Gigi waved her arms merrily. “Don’t
“Of course it is.”
be absurd! This is not volunteer labor. Charl-
“And you’ll—”
ize, would a two-thousand-dollar stipend be
And there was a touch of real anxiety in her
sufficient for an art judge?”
face. “It depends on the guy that takes you to
HOBSON’S CHOICES
91
ANALOG
the prom. But I’m not going to do anything
eyes had a commanding presence, but the
rash, Dad. I just need a date. And all the guys
viewer found himself trying to read the story
from my old high school are taken.”
of the woman’s life in those eyes, in the lines
He was thinking, That might be the guy
around her stern mouth. In one hand, the
she’ll marry. Or not.
woman held a naked baby doll with a spot of
red on its mouth. Jerry involuntarily thought
The art show came on an overcast day. Jerry
blood. In the other, she held a length of black
had gallantly offered to rent a tent for the whole
silk cord, at the end of which dangled a sev-
affair, should rain eventuate, but the weather
ered gray hawk’s wing.
held out. He was really proud of Charlize and a
It was very unsettling. Not that there weren’t
bit wistful that her own gorgeous ultraviolet
other nudes in the show; there were several
paintings—she specialized in interpretations of
very good ones, but they were of young women
parallel-evolved life from speculated exo-plan-
or muscular men of early middle years, some-
ets—weren’t eligible, although the committee
what physically idealized. And they possessed
insisted that several of Charlize’s best be dis-
none of the arresting power of this painting.
played near the clubhouse.
And how had the artist—his name seemed
They were both astonished at the atten-
to be Chance Peirson—managed such lumi-
dance. Yes, it was on a Saturday. Yes, Goode-
nescence? How had he managed such delica-
nough had advertised statewide. But still: the
cy of expression?
gawking thousands, he thought. The art-hun-
The painting was NOT FOR SALE according
gry multitudes, to be esthetically fed by Good-
to the placard.
enough’s pet artists.
The title was “Alternatives.”
With Lorilee, he strolled around the perime-
Was the red spot blood or some red food?
ter where the works were set up. Lorilee was
Was the black cord the sash from a dress, or a
glum but seemed to be recovering from her
noose? Was the hawk’s wing supposed to be a
romantic disappointment. How had he mis-
grisly alternative to the doll?
judged Archy so badly? They’d known the boy
He stayed by Charlize until he noticed his
since kindergarten. Charlize and he had just
legs aching from squatting.
assumed that the romance would continue,
“They won’t want this one to win,” Charlize
blossoming into marriage, a marriage as sweet
murmured. “But it’s head and shoulders above
and sustaining as theirs had been.
the rest of the contestants. No pun.”
A good deal of the art was pretty bad: unre-
Lorilee had knelt by her parents. “That’s art,
alistic watercolors of Native Americans dressed
isn’t it, Mom?”
in historically ridiculous regalia, bouquets of
“Yep. It wouldn’t look out of place in a ma-
roses with one requisite drop of dew, moun-
jor show, but here—” Charlize took the blue
tain streams with a single fish jumping out. But
ribbon out of the manila envelope and pinned
there were some still-lifes and abstract paint-
it to the painting’s frame.
ings he liked.
Reluctantly, the three got to their feet and
He hadn’t realized the art was for sale, but
walked away, walking backward for another
fairly soon SOLD signs appeared on a number
view. “I’d buy it if it was for sale,” Jerry said.
of the pieces, both good and bad.
“But that would sort of cancel out the hono-
He came up short upon his wife squatting
rarium, wouldn’t it?”
in front of a very photorealistic watercolor. His
They’d walked only a few yards away when
first thought, as he squatted down beside her,
Call-me-Gigi came striding toward them. She
was that he hadn’t known that watercolor
pulled Charlize away and said very earnestly,
could achieve that level of realistic detail.
“Surely that’s a joke, right?”
His second thought was that this was su-
“No, it isn’t,” Charlize said, resisting Call-
perb and would be controversial. It was just a
me-Gigi’s attempts to pull her away from her
portrait, a woman’s portrait. A face and upper
family. “That’s a really fine painting. There are
body, but what a face. Somehow the artist had
some examples of good draftsmanship here,
written the woman’s entire history into her
but they don’t approach Chance Pierson’s
features. She was old, probably in her eighties,
work. I’m sorry.”
and unapologetically nude to the waist. Her
“You’re sorry? You think we’re going to let
92
MARY A. TURZILLO
JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2018
that hideous thing be photographed to be in
painting and wasn’t it a shame it got disquali-
all the newspapers? You think that will bring
f ied because the painter, Chance Peirson,
new residents to Goodenough Lifestyles?”
hadn’t lived long enough in the complex to
Charlize had folded her arms uncomfort-
qualify as a resident. Only eleven months.
ably. “I didn’t know it would turn out like this.
What a shame.
I didn’t know there were any real artists here.”
Lorilee decided to make a stab at finding a
Call-me-Gigi raised her eyebrows. “I
new boyfriend through the Goodenough bud-
thought you were a real artist. You certainly
dy dating service. Jerry came with her to the
represented yourself that way. All that money
clubhouse; thank heaven Call-me-Gigi wasn’t
and you want to make a laughingstock—”
the facilitator for the dating service.
“You won’t be a laughingstock,” Charlize
A handsome fair-haired young man in an ex-
said soothingly. “Anybody with pretensions to
pensive-looking suit, same gray-blue and simi-
artistic taste will recognize the quality of that
lar cut as Call-me-Gigi’s, shook Lorilee’s hand.
painting, even in a newspaper photograph.”
Jerry thought, well, what can go wrong?
“People are horrif ied!” Call-me-Gigi said.
“Okay,” said the young man. “Here are your
And indeed, there was a large crowd in front
matches. You can choose today or look over
of “Alternatives.” Most, thought Jerry, are
the profiles and tell me tomorrow.”
probably just curious. Some of them probably
Lorilee barely glanced at the photos. “There
like it. The rest—
are only five?”
“Ask them,” said Charlize. “Ask them to
“We find,” said the young man, steepling his
make up their own minds. Ask any of them
fingers like a professor of psychology lecturing
which painting they would have given the
his introductory class, “that people are better
prize to.”
served when they are offered a more limited
It was a gutsy offer, thought Jerry. Some
number of choices. When men were offered a
might well choose that painting. Others
choice of three hundred and ninety neckties—”
would be offended by the weird subject mat-
Lorilee’s eyes widened with anger.
ter, by the unconventionality.
“Boyfriends are not neckties.”
Call-me-Gigi said, “There are some things
That stopped him. But then he smiled, as he
that should not be offered as alternatives.” She
thought of a riposte. “We didn’t select these
seemed unaware of the irony of her words.
fine young men at random. They are perhaps
Charlize sought out Jerry’s eyes. She with-
not the one-in-a-million you might find if you
drew a number ten envelope from the larger
had the rest of your life to search for a
manila envelope in which the ribbons and
beloved, but they are good enough. We f ind
judge’s information was contained. She pulled
that people who seek perfection in a mate are
Lorilee to her, encircling her daughter’s shoul-
bound for disappointment. Modern society
ders. It was very clear what she intended to do,
has misled us into believing that we must have
and Lorilee nodded her assent, curtly, just once.
the best. Often we are happier if we take what
“Here,” said Charlize. “If you don’t want me
is just good enough.”
to judge the contest, then I guess I can’t.”
Lorilee said, “My mom calls my dad one in a
Call-me-Gigi focused on the envelope, which
million. I guess there are a million guys in the
contained the honorarium. She snatched it,
<
br /> world my age. I’d like a shot at a few dozen
then jutted her jaw forward and strutted away,
more before I make my choice.”
muttering, “Can’t make a mockery—”
He leaned forward. “You don’t appreciate the
“You were wonderful, Mom,” said Lorilee.
whole philosophy of Goodenough Lifestyles.”
“But gee, all that money.”
“No,” she said. “Guess not. Daddy, let’s
“Sorry, my kitten. That was your music
walk back to the condo.”
school money.” And Charlize burst into tears.
“Wait,” said the young man. “You may not
understand this, but if you don’t choose one
It wasn’t over. They still lived in Goode-
of these, I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask
nough Villas, and every day another neighbor
you not to bring some other young man onto
would either cross the street to avoid Charlize
the premises.”
as they took their evening walk, or come up
“What?” Jerry and Lorilee spoke simultane-
to her and tell her how much they liked the
ously.
HOBSON’S CHOICES
93
ANALOG
“These young men would be very hurt to
“Don’t remind me. But at least we won’t
f ind that none of them is Good Enough. We
have to choose from a set of five equally bor-
think you must either choose, or if you go
ing Goodenough living room suites. Or limit
elsewhere looking for love, we’ll ask you to—
ourselves to colors that are perfectly Good
uh—well, just don’t.”
Enough—”
Jerry and Lorilee looked at each other.
“For morons!” said Lorilee.
“We don’t think you should be bringing
They moved out that night. It didn’t take
riffraff in here.”
long; most of the furniture, expensive as it
Lorilee and Jerry both gasped. They ex-
was, they just left behind.
haled, then turned together and walked out.
And later that week, when they got their
“Geez,” said Jerry. “You didn’t even look at
computer connection reestablished back in St.
the pictures. Somebody’s going to say you’re
Pandarus, Lorilee started exchanging lots of in-
hard to please. Atalanta. Princess and the Pea.
stant messages—and music attachments—
Can’t make up your mind. Standards set so
with somebody in Australia. ■
high nobody can reach them. Don’t really
want a boyfriend.”
Mary Turzillo’s latest book is Mars Girls,
“Dad,” she said, “if they willingly signed up
Analog Science Fiction and Fact Page 26