Analog Science Fiction and Fact
Page 38
Several extracted passengers are managing
has to be much more goo than there are cap-
to stumble away around the front of the loco-
tured humans, so this is probably true.
motive in our direction. No no no, don’t come
WHEN THE ALIENS STOP TO BOTTLE
135
ANALOG
here, don’t draw attention. Though again,
lated about the bagels threading spacetime
why not this way?
through themselves ultra-fast, whatever that
Our own train lurches again, dragging itself
means; then science shut up as announce-
forward another ten meters or so. So much for
ments came on TV in twenty-some languages:
our own driver’s response. . . .
You Are Incorporated Peacefully into the Ok-
“Bravery would seem to be stupid,” says
tagon.
Toby.
So North Korea let fly at the sky. Followed
“Maybe our driver’s trying to safeguard his
by everyone who had nukes. All straight down
own human cargo?”
some spacetime rabbithole. Maybe all for the
“Whatever. I’ll take cold pesto sandwich—
best: instant global nuclear disarmament. That
eh, Jen, eh? It’ll seem a feast.”
was three weeks ago.
The f irst couple of refugees to reach our
Jet f ighters stalled and fell like confetti.
doors—driver-controlled, of course—bang
Ground forces’ equipment didn’t work, as if
their fists. As if we can open a door by using
full of glue. Worldwide communications hic-
the button while it’s unlit. Shall our driver
cuped helplessly except when the Invaders—
open all the doors at once to let in two, three,
oops, Incomers—wished to issue advisories
four—when the carriages are already packed
such as Ground All Commercial Air Traffic
tight? Why don’t these imploring people run
within Three Hours. Sea and Ocean Ship-
onward into the gathering darkness, are they
ping May Continue.
idiots?
“Spare a thought for a JAL jet marooned in
They want to get home. Even if it’s the
Albania.”
wrong line, wrong station. Even if it’s our
“Japan Air Lines? What prompts that, Jen?”
home. Sorry guys, there’s only cold pesto for
“Didn’t you see,” asks the Sikh, “all those
supper. Hell, there’s more than that in our
samurais tr ying to defend their Imperial
house—cans, jars, nuts, dried fruit, biscuits.
Palace?”
Pesto sandwich? Let’s not go to extremes to
The absurd heroic sight was permitted as if
spite Toby. Not spite, no, tease. Perish the
to emphasise our reduction to medieval
thought of spite.
weapons and tactics. Japan’s Self-Defense
The displaced persons quit and pass by.
Forces, subsequent to them raiding muse-
Someone of us has a radio which starts to
ums.
work.
“Those swords all jumping out of their
“. . . in another communiqué the Incomer
hands!”
Oktagon praises the compliance of popula-
As if these days the Japanese army knew
tions at large and indicate that within a hun-
how to use swords . . .
dred Earth years human beings may be suit-
The Incomers seemed to know so much
able for crackle-buzz status . . .
about us. Us, zip about them. I didn’t believe
squeal-crackle—”
in the argument about us being the radio and
From Toby, “And what might that mean,
TV beacon of this very tiny bit of the galaxy,
pray?”
attracting predators to ourselves. Just sup-
“We shan’t be extinct, moron,” says the
pose the big bagels came from only forty or
black guy in a woolly hat next to me, right
f ifty light-years away—plucking a distance
shoulder side.
out of the blue—surely our own wavelength-
“We’ll be changed,” says a plump middle-
watchers must have noticed some signs out
aged Sikh, left shoulder side. “That’s what bot-
there in the sky so close comparatively,
tling’s for. To find how to change us.”
scarcely for want of us trying. Unless the In-
As good a theory as any. Maybe bottled hu-
comers’ home was paranoidly stealthed, and
man beings are for export to alien zoos. Won-
why would that be when our nukes weren’t
der if those zoos need a publicity campaign?
even f irecrackers and they could vanish
Gallows humor, guys.
North Korea from the map? In my book the
Invaders are from far far away. How, there-
The alien ships in orbit are big; you don’t
fore, do they know about us at all, never
need binoculars. Two bagels, each thirty kilo-
mind such a hell of a lot, including languages?
meters across. At f irst some scientists specu-
Will our great-great-great kids get to know?
136
IAN WATSON
JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2018
Come Visit Amazing Earth, the Planet Named
“Jyenni-Jyane-Vozter,” it says. Words! I am
After Dirt! Behold the Charming Natives
genuinely speaking to an alien. Incomer com-
Dance on Just Two Legs! Merely because the
muniqués are all pronounced perfectly, unlike
Incomers look like octopuses doesn’t mean
this soldier speaking. I’m speaking to an indi-
they live in a sea.
vidual alien. (Are they individuals?)
“You think they oughta have used karate
“Okyu-passion?”
next?” asks the black guy. “Ninjas versus Oc-
Occupation, occupation; yes we’re all occu-
topi!”
pied, that’s for sure.
Just in case Toby thinks of correcting to oc-
“Advert-ising,” I say. “Publi-city.” (Speak nor-
topuses, I nudge him. There’s no call for pussy
mally, Jen!) “Advertising.”
jokes in this grope of a carriage. Some dignity,
(Incomers, do you need a hand with your
please.
charm offensive?)
Dear god, a pair of the octo-militia are head-
“Function ov dis?”
ing our way, part-drifting, part-knuckling the
“I persuade people to visit places, to buy
ground.
things.”
It has to be our carriage they come toward.
It seems to ponder. Is it autonomous, an in-
Damn those ex-passengers for beating on our
dividual? Or am I addressing the mobile unit
doors.
instead?
Looming: tentacular blotchy cows, wands
“And if humanz re fuze buy things?”
on one arm, other seven arms all too free. Go
“I’d be out of a job. I think I am, already.”
away go away go away.
“I think I am,” it echoes me, and adds, “Day-
“I got a knife,” says the blac
k guy.
Cart.”
“So do I, on my belt,” says the Sikh, “though
Descartes? Descartes? “I think therefore I
the blade’s blunt.”
am”?
“What use is a blunt knife?”
“Are you referring to our philosopher
“It’s symbolic—us Sikhs are peaceful.”
Descartes?”
“We’re all peaceful now,” says Toby. “Let’s
“Ideaz. Ideas.” A foot-soldier alien octopus
stay very peaceful. Don’t look at them. No eye
is even aware of Descartes? That’s to say, a
contact.”
tentacle-soldier . . . If so, what of the reach of
Contact with big rheumy oval green eyes in
knowledge of off icers of the Oktagon! Does
wrinkly hide. Rheumy: bit late for hay fever.
any officer want a pretty-polly?
Martians, I think, dying of Earthly germs in
“You want ideas?” (Jen’s just the person for
their war machines . . . no way. Someone near-
those!)
by farted or even dumped in their pants. Dis-
“We search population at random—anyone
gusting.
know philozophers? If no, philozopherz fail-
Look away. Can’t look away. Think of Amaz-
ure. You knows Day-Cart.”
ing Albania. Heart, be still.
Everyone else in the carriage is deathly still.
Alien scrutiny.
“And Wittgenstein.” Not that I ever read
Plop plop plop plop ploppety, two snaky
Wittgenstein, but it’s the power of the brand-
lines of suckers across the glass, and pull. Win-
name that counts. “And Plato, and Nietzsche.
dow whirls away. Rush of chilly fresh air, a re-
And Aquarius.”
lief from those bowel gases.
Hesitation, then: “No zuch philozopher.”
It in front of me smells of vinegar and
“Just testing.”
cumin.
Big rheumy eyes goggling me, tentacles
“Eye-dentity.”
shifting about. My nails are cutting into my
It speaks. It has little triangular ears. Or
palms.
something.
In for a penny . . . “Why do you guys bottle
“Eye-dentity!”
humans?”
Does it want a retinal scan? Of course not. It
And this is just when the black guy reaches
wants my “I.”
right past me as far as he can and stabs It in
“Jenny Jane Foster.”
the eye.
Toby almost crushes my hand, which I
“Eye for Identity!” he bellows, as tenta-
wrench free.
cles drag him through the window, nearly
WHEN THE ALIENS STOP TO BOTTLE
137
ANALOG
dislocating my shoulder, and he is trashed
Jen, too,” he remembers to say.
upon the ground.
Poor Jen? But I have conversed with an
alien octopus from far far away, about Day-
Having one eye sucked out isn’t fun at all,
Cart!
though at least it’s quick. Everyone in the car-
I shall adopt the nickname Patch. Like a pet
riage loses an eye, no matter how much they
dog. Patch Foster. Maybe a future awaitz me.
try hunkering down or hiding under seats.
My eye-dentity’s known now. ■
Tentacles get everywhere. Nobody loses two
eyes; tentacle tips must be able to discrimi-
Ian Watson has screen credit for the screen
nate. Collective punishment, biblical.
story of Steven Spielberg's A.I. Artif icial Intelli-My conversation with It does not resume.
gence. His latest story collection is The 1000
Yet our train does, amazingly. We all look—two-
Year Reich (NewCon Press). Also in 2016, he co-
dimensionally now—as if we’ve been on a zom-
organized the Eurocon in Barcelona. He and
bie walk, snailtrails of gore staining cheeks.
his wife, translator Cristina Macía, live in the
“God but it hurts,” moans Toby. “My poor
north of Spain.
138
IAN WATSON
Two Point
Three
Children
Marissa Lingen
he Honorable Judge Diane Bui rubbed
to take a small stipend to add another imma-
her temples. Sometimes being “The
ture consciousness to their daily round of
Honorable” was more trouble than it
teaching language and manners. Especially
Twas worth, she thought, and custody one without diapers that needed changing.
battles were her least favorite part of the job.
Human relationships being what they al-
The case in front of her featured an angry
ways have been, it was only another year be-
parent of each sex, two human children, and
yond that when some of those families
one immature AI being given human process-
needed judges to mediate custody cases.
ing/perception experience in a human family
Some of the AI companies attempted to sue
setting. Diane had worked as a family lawyer
to regain custody, but this went badly; AIs
for years before being raised to the bench,
bonded in their own way with their human
but the AI cases were new. The first few AIs
parents, who had named them and nurtured
had been gently reared in labs by careful, pa-
them and taught them about cartoons and
tient scientists.
saying please and thank you. So the matter
Soon, however, the market for AIs far ex-
landed in the laps of judges like Diane, who
ceeded the number of careful, patient scien-
were used to the f ighting and the recrimina-
tists, and companies started turning to the
tions and the miserable expressions on the
same group they’d always used for imprinting
faces of little kids.
patterns on immature cognitions: the human
It had taken her some research to f igure
family. Billions of humans were already rais-
out what a miserable expression looked like
ing children; thousands of them were willing
on an AI.
139
ANALOG
“Your Honor,” the father’s lawyer was say-
“That’s just not true. Judge, tell him it’s not
ing, “my client’s ex-wife has allowed their
true!”
child, the AI Jody, to be exposed to abusive
Diane refrained—heroically, she felt—from
language from one of her friends invited into
rolling her eyes. “Sir, will you perform these
her home. To paraphrase from Jody’s tran-
exercises if the court orders you to?”
script, Jessica Mathers said that Jody was
“Yes,” said Joe sullenly.
nothing but a batch of bits and that Jody’s
Diane nodded curtly. “It seems there is re-
mother should not concern herself with
search ahead on more than one front. See that
Jody’s well-being. Your Honor, we feel that
you give me your best.” She consulted the
this is evidenc
e that my client’s ex-wife
court schedule and rebooked them.
should have her custody revisited. She is not
She saw other cases that day, but the back
providing a safe and nurturing home for a
of her mind was always on the AI child and its
young mind.”
memory. What did it feel like, to have part of
The mother’s lawyer rolled his eyes so
your memory removed? She could f ind the
broadly that Diane thought they might be au-
technicalities of the process, but in all her re-
dible as well as visible. “Your Honor,” he said,
search there was no f irsthand account, no
sighing gustily. “This is a ridiculous con-
memoir of the lack of memory from an AI
tention that’s just intended as a custody grab.
point of view. The face exercises seemed to
Yes, Ms. Mathers has some unfortunate atti-
be necessary as far as anyone had managed to
tudes toward AI children, and those have just
f ind out, but no one knew about memory.
come to light. My client is reconsidering her
She realized with a jolt that if Jody had been
association with Ms. Mather s on those
human, she would not have hesitated to
grounds. However, this is merely cause to
ask—by herself or through a mediator—
delete those portions of Jody’s memory, leav-
about Jody’s feelings about the incident.
ing Jody unharmed by the association. There
They all had so very far to go, herself in-
is no need to adjust the custody in a close and
cluded.
loving maternal relationship for a single mild
When they reconvened, Diane had a court-
trauma that can easily be removed.”
appointed guardian stay with Jody outside the
Diane leaned forward, looking around the
courtroom while she questioned the parents.
courtroom over her glasses. “How easily?”
“You’ve mentioned your assessment of Ms.
The lawyers conferred with their clients,
Mather’s effects on Jody and what you want
quietly at first, and then an argument erupted
to do about it,” she said. “But let’s consider
across the aisle. Diane pressed her temples
your other children. Andrea?”
and banged her gavel. “Well, let’s consider
The mother looked to her lawyer, who nod-
that a question that needs research before our
ded for her to answer. “Jessica has always
next session. The court will rule next time on
been nice to them. She brings presents for
its own evidence, and I will also consider any
their birthdays and Christmas. I’m sorry to
briefs you put before me on this topic. I un-