Perfunctory Affection

by Kim Harrison

If there was one word to describe Haley other than perfect, it would be focused. The heels of the confident woman’s sandals clicked smartly as she came out of the front bedroom, her boundless energy beginning to make Meg feel tired. “The bathroom needs some updating, but it’s clean,” Haley said, her expression intent as she probably compared it to the last three apartments. “Hardwoods and tile throughout. Very workable. Just needs a few rugs to brighten the place up.” She hesitated under the dated chrome light hanging over the Formica table, frowning as she brushed a cobweb away. “And maybe an exterminator.”

  “The spiders are bad this year,” Meg agreed.

  Haley’s grimace deepened. “I’ll take your word on that.”

  Tired, and hungry, Meg sat on the arm of the heavy leather chair set before a conspicuous empty spot. Furnished apparently didn’t include a TV. If it had been Meg’s decision, she would’ve taken the first place they’d looked at, rating it enormously better than the dim dungeon she lived in now, but Haley was picky, and it was likely they’d be spending all afternoon looking at the last three on the outskirts of campus.

  “Still, there’s enough room in that back bedroom that Rorry could set his desk up right in there.” Haley turned to the wide sliding glass doors that led out to a narrow, paint-chipped balcony. “I wouldn’t have to look at his clutter over dinner. That would be a nice change.”

  With a decisive motion, Haley turned on a heel, hands on her hips as she studied the faded furniture in the living room. “Cover that ghastly couch with a nice print, add a few pillows to dress it up… My desk would fit in that corner. I wouldn’t have to worry about the sun wreaking havoc with my screen way over there. But I imagine that if I painted, I’d want to be right at the windows. Look at that sun coming in!”

  Meg nodded, already having rated the sun as an A plus, plus. It was a spectacular place to paint, out of the way and in the sun, a bright corner to spread out in with lots of light. “It’s better than my artificial light,” she said, hoping Haley didn’t hear the envy in her voice.

  “Maybe the other bedroom is bigger.” Haley strode across the living room and vanished into the second bedroom. “Hey!” her voice floated back. “This one has a door right to the balcony!”

  Meg exhaled long and slow, her lethargy taking a stronger grip. Her feet were in the sun, and she looked over the light-strewn apartment feeling relaxed and sleepy. It was all she could do to not settle deep into the leather chair in the sun and take a nap. Haley was running her ragged. The remaining apartments were on the outskirts of campus, and Meg wasn’t looking forward to either the long walks or the bus rides to get there.

  If it was Meg, she would take this one. The apartment had an open concept living space and a balcony large enough to grill on. The kitchen overlooked the living room and then the quad beyond. Being the fourth floor up and the top level, there’d be little noise from neighbors. There was no elevator, which was probably why it was still available.

  That, and maybe the spiders, Meg thought, watching one making a web on the outside of the large sliding glass door where the evening light would bring in the moths. “I could live here,” she whispered, liking the open brightness, high up and away from everything dark and ugly.

  “What’s that?” Haley said, a tiny pink tape measure in her hand as she came out of the second bedroom.

  “It’s a nice apartment.” Meg forced herself awake as Haley stood before the window walls and took in the view.

  “You can see everything from up here,” Haley said. “Do you think there’s enough room out there for a grill? It’s been ages since Rorry and I have had a place where we could cook outside.”

  Meg rose and went to stand shoulder to shoulder with Haley. The wide balcony would be a fantastic place to paint even with the traffic noise. So much sun. “I would think so,” she said. “If you put it in the corner, there’s even enough room for a small bistro table and chairs.”

  Why hadn’t she and Austin found a place like this instead of that dark brown hole good only to hide from the world in? But maybe that’s what she had wanted three years ago.

  “Can you see me out here after class, relaxing with a glass of wine?” Haley said wistfully. “Able to watch everything and not have to be right down in the thick of it?”

  They sighed at the exact same moment, and laughing, they both turned away. “And how about that kitchen?” Haley wandered into it, opening cupboards and drawers. “It’s the perfect size, don’t you think? I’d only need to get a few bright hand towels, maybe a set of colorful canisters for decoration.” Her eyebrows rose. “Or a chicken!” she said excitedly. “Wouldn’t that be whimsical? We could decorate the entire kitchen with chickens. Bring the barnyard theme right out into the living room with rustic furniture and chicken wire.”

  Country? Meg thought, surprised.

  “Not the couch, of course, but end tables, country throw rugs. Keep the picture frames old barn wood. Maybe a barn-wood coffee table. Chic. Very rustic chic.”

  Ah, Meg thought, realigning her thinking. Shabby chic. It wasn’t country at all.

  “Rorry could have this thing,” Haley finished, giving the metal and glass table a sidelong tap with her foot.

  “That would look nice,” Meg said, envious as she saw it with her mind’s eye. Why couldn’t she could live here in the sun?

  “Do you like it?” Haley said, almost bursting, and Meg nodded. “Me too.” Exhaling happily, Haley came out of the kitchen, her eyes traveling over the room’s lines. “I don’t need to see those last three. I want this one,” she said, and Meg’s shoulders slumped in relief. “I’m going to take it. Right now. Before anyone else does. Rorry will love that back bedroom, and I like the sun.”

  “That’s great,” Meg said. “I’m so glad you found something you like,” she added, feeling the unusual exercise to her bones. But now there was shopping. Surely Haley would want to take a break first, maybe get some lunch.

  “I’ll be right back.” Haley gestured for her to stay. “I’m going to nail this shut. Where did the manager say he was?”

  “A1?” Meg sat on the arm of the chair again, glad the apartment hunt was over but not looking forward to an afternoon of shopping right on its heels. All those people. She hadn’t been to the mall on a Saturday in years. What if she had a panic attack while they were trying to get a pretzel or something?

  “A1,” Haley echoed, her expression showing her delight. “Hang tight. I want to get some drape measurements before we head for the mall.”

  Focus distant, Meg spun her pinky ring as she wondered how she was going to handle the next few hours. Then she started, surprised when Haley gave her an expansive, quick hug, smiling as she dropped back to run her gaze over the apartment again. “Thank you, Meg. I never would have found so nice a place if not for you. We’re going to have to go out to celebrate at Swanks tonight. I’m getting you a new dress to thank you, so no excuses!”

  “Swanks?” Meg echoed, a new feeling of panic welling up. It was too much. She had to take a break.

  But Haley was already at the door, key in hand as she went into the hall. “This is going so well. I’ll be right back!” she called. And then she was gone.

  Hands shaking, Meg dug into her bag to find her phone and check the time. Guilt flickered as she brushed past her empty diary, then relief when she found her phone and realized it had been four hours.

  “I can do this,” she whispered as she found her pill vial and almost fled into the kitchen for a glass of tap water. Hands shaking, she filled a dusty glass and popped a pill. If Haley could find an apartment in the morning, furnish it in the afternoon, and then go out to eat at night, then she could too.

  Setting the glass in the sink, Meg wiped her chin. Her hands were no longer trembling, and she exhaled in relief. The view was nice even from the kitchen, and thinking that it would take Haley some time to sign the rental agreement, she went back to the living room and collapsed into the cushy leather chair—now that it was Hal
ey’s.

  “This is harder than it should be,” she whispered, but she could do it if Haley was beside her. She made Meg feel stronger, able to handle anything, and Meg began to smile. Dr. Jillium would crap her pants if she walked in on Monday and told her she’d gone to the mall on a Saturday.

  Leaning forward, Meg watched a couple throwing coins into the fountain. If Haley could find her a pair of shoes and a dress for tonight, and if they sat in a corner where Meg could look at the wall with her back to the people, she might be okay at Swanks.

  But then Meg’s smile faded as she recognized Austin’s distinctive walk, stomping his way across the quad.

  What is he doing out here? she thought as she stood and went to the window, and in a flash of anger, she put a hand on the door, contemplating going out and yelling at him from the balcony. He was going to ruin everything if he came up here and Haley saw them argue.

  Lips pressed, she rummaged in her purse to find her phone. He’d left three messages, but none of them explained why he was following her. Suddenly she felt cornered, her anger swinging back to panic when he angled toward the building. He was looking for her. She’d told him she was going apartment hunting with Haley, and there were only so many available.

  My God, has he checked them all? she thought, then grimaced. No, not all. Just the ones on campus.

  “Haley,” she whispered, purse in hand as she looked at the door to the hall. He would meet Haley if she hid up here and did nothing. The last thing she wanted was to have a boyfriend meltdown in front of Haley. The fear of losing Haley was strong, and, purse in hand, Meg hustled out of the room, breath held all the way down the four flights of stairs.

  The tiny lobby was empty of Haley or Austin both, and relieved, she pushed out through the double glass doors and onto the sidewalk. The bright light after the dark stairway was blinding, and she squinted, her back stiffening when she saw Austin on the other side of the street, waiting to cross. He paused when he caught sight of her, then jogged across, his partially fisted hand held to warn the oncoming traffic that he wasn’t going to stop.

  Angry or not, Meg stiffened when a car whizzed narrowly behind him, not even slowing. “Are you following me?” she shouted before he was halfway across, and his attention jerked from the offending car to her.

  “You didn’t answer my texts,” he shot back, his worried look marred by annoyance.

  Arms over her middle, Meg stood before the door of the apartment house as if she was guarding something precious inside, and maybe she was. Haley was everything she wanted to be, and she wasn’t going to let Austin ruin it. “I was busy,” she said, and Austin halted before her, that irate expression on his still-stubbled face.

  “Out with Haley. Right,” he said, then scrubbed a hand over his face, all but one of his fingers curled under to hide their thinness caused by disuse. His anger had vanished to leave only a faint worry. “Meg, I looked her up last night. There isn’t anyone named Haley in the university directory.”

  “There wouldn’t be because she’s a guest lecturer and she’s new,” Meg said defensively. “It took them six weeks to put my name in. Have you been checking the rental listings looking for me? That’s called stalking, Austin. What do you want?” Her palms were sweaty, not so much for standing on the sidewalk and yelling at him as much as her worry that Haley would come out and find them there.

  But Austin was in no hurry to leave, his weight on one foot as he scowled up at her, seeming like an entirely different person as he reacted badly to her new independence. “Maybe if you would read one of my texts, you’d know I was trying to see if you were free for lunch.” A thin smile turned him back into the man she usually saw. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you sitting in that dark apartment all day. I thought we could go play putt-putt. Maybe have a milkshake.”

  Suddenly their traditional night out seemed tame and vapid. “I already made plans with Haley. Sorry,” she said stiffly. She’d die if Haley caught her drinking another peppermint milkshake, and she wasn’t going to tell him they were going to the mall lest he follow them there.

  Austin’s weight shifted to his other foot. “Bring her along. I’d like to meet her.”

  You had your chance yesterday, and you blew it, she thought, very sure she didn’t want them to meet. He’d ruin it, say something wrong and Haley would realize what a dweeb she really was and be gone. “We’re going out for lunch. Maybe some other time. Let me know if you want anything from the apartment, okay?”

  Meg warmed at her harsh brush-off, but she was still angry with him, and the sooner he left, the sooner she would breathe easier. Clearly feeling it, Austin rocked back, his hands moving as if he didn’t know what to do with them. “Meg, I know I made a mistake, and I’m trying to apologize,” he said as he reached out for her.

  Meg pulled back, knowing if he touched her, her anger would vanish, and she liked feeling this empowered. “No,” she said shortly. “You’re stalking me. Go away.”

  “How is this stalking?” Austin’s brow furrowed again. “How can I be stalking you? We share an apartment.”

  “No, we shared an apartment,” she said. “You moved out.”

  “Temporarily, sure, but not out of your life.” Austin hesitated, as he searched for the right words. “That’s why I left all my stuff. Why do you think I’m standing here? It was supposed to help you,” he said, frustrated.

  “You know what would help me?” Meg’s chin lifted. “You turning around and walking away for a few days. Give me a chance to make up my mind, because if you keep pushing, my answer right now isn’t going to be one you like.”

  “Make up your mind? About what?” he asked, and then he paled, understanding that she was considering breaking up with him for good. Standing before her in his jeans and casual tee, Austin seemed to deflate. “Meg, I’m sorry. I’m only trying to help, but something is wrong. I… I think your new meds are too strong.”

  A spike of fear pulled through her, and then she shoved it away. “You said you wouldn’t talk to Dr. Jillium behind my back again,” she accused, and Austin held out a hand in placation.

  “I haven’t!” he protested. “But you’re not yourself, Meg. Look at you. Out all morning. I called at six thirty, and you were already gone.”

  Meg relaxed at his plaintive tone, her hand behind her back fiddling with her ring. “I had an early coffee date. And my meds are fine. They’re working just fine,” she said again to convince him. “If nothing was different, then there’d be a problem.”

  “Yes, but you’re too different,” he said, voice softer as he moved closer. “Can you take a step back, slow down a little? I’m not telling you to stop, just ease up for a day or two. If it’s real, it will still be there when you stop.”

  Stop? Was he crazy? She backed up, startled when her shoulder hit the door to the apartment building. “My God, Austin. I’m glad this happened. I think you liked having a broken doll to play with,” she said bitterly.

  “That’s not fair.” Austin’s expression became hurt. “I want you to be better, but it’s too much, too fast. You’re seeing new people, doing new things that normally you wouldn’t even think to try. I’m happy for you, but when change happens this fast, it’s not growth, it’s…a side effect. You aren’t you anymore. You’ve changed.”

  Meg’s focus shifted, a quick motion drawing her attention over Austin’s shoulder. It was that damn dog of Christopher’s, and her brow furrowed. He was a mess, hallucinating his fears into existence and unable to function outside of a hospital. But that was before they’d known the early symptoms of a bad reaction. Dr. Jillium was being careful. It wouldn’t happen to her. “I thought changing myself was the entire point,” she said, attention coming back to him when the dog ran off after a squirrel.

  “Change, yes, but this?” He gestured to her, and Meg looked down at herself, seeing nothing she didn’t like. “It’s too much.”

  “Good, because who I was before sucked.” Meg stiffened as she heard Hal
ey calling her name clear through the heavy glass doors. Suddenly flustered, Meg felt for the handle. “I have to go,” she said, fumbling to back up and not let him follow her. “Stop stalking me, or I’m calling campus police.”

  “Meg, wait!” Austin exclaimed. “Can I call you later? Where are you going this afternoon?”

  She edged in around the glass door, holding it shut against him. “No, and it’s none of your business.” Breath fast, she pushed it closed, praying he didn’t follow her as she ran back up the stairs, knees weak.

  She and Haley were going to go shopping at the mall. It would be busy, but she could handle it if Haley were beside her to distract the attention away from Meg. They were going to turn Haley’s new place into something bright and beautiful, a place with no clutter and nothing that reminded her of who she’d once been. Something perfect.

  Ten

  Meg held her breath as the stylist sprayed a light mist to “tame the flyaways.” She watched through squinted eyes as the woman artfully finger-curled a few strays, her expressive face smiling at the result. It smelled light and clean when Meg took a cautious breath, nothing like her mother’s hairspray, and her shoulders relaxed. At her feet, the woman giving her a light pedicure was just finishing up, rolling Meg’s pant legs back down and giving her knee a little pat. Her toes were now a soft mauve to make her feet look as if they belonged to someone else.

  “All done,” the woman said as she stood from her rolling stool and pushed her cart away. “Don’t move for at least ten minutes.”

  Pleasantly tired after an afternoon of shopping, Meg sighed. “No problem.”

  “Well?” The stylist handed Meg a mirror and slowly spun her so she could see the back of her head. “What do you think? It’s a lot lighter with the layering. I think it suits you.”

  Meg angled the mirror, not recognizing the back of her head. Her curls had been tamed into smooth, glistening waves, and she shook her head to make them sway. “I love it,” she said as she brushed a lock hanging before her eyes. It was softer than she expected, making her feel pretty.