Finding Hope: A Colorado Veterans Christmas

by Tiffani Lynn

  “Yeah, I’m just trying to work up the nerve to get back on the bus. It’s over two days and six bus changes to get back to Colorado Springs. I can do it, but it’s not easy.”

  “You want to be back by Christmas?”

  “I hadn’t thought much about the holidays. In fact, it’s been a long time since I celebrated one at all. Rosie seems to like Christmas. She was decorating the homeless shelter when I met her and was starting to decorate her house when I left.”

  “What if your dad and I drive you back? We could stop when you need to, you can sit by the window the whole time, and we would get a little more time with you.”

  “Mom, that’s a really long drive.”

  “We have nothing else pressing to do. Your dad retired this year and your sister is with her family in Italy. It would be just us sitting here looking at the yule log on cable television. Besides, it would make us feel useful. We talked about it already and would really like to do this for you. Please?”

  “Emily is in Italy?”

  “Yes, Rick is stationed there. He has two more years before he comes back stateside. They love it there. We’re going to see them in the spring.”

  I stand up and move over to the window, looking outside. I didn’t even know my sister lives in Italy now. There is so much I’ve missed with people I love. I need to embrace the help and love they want to give. Something I learned during my long hours of conversation with Rosie is that some people need to be helpful to others. Not to mention it would give me more time with them. At least this way I could stop when I need to instead of when the bus company tells me we have to. It’s the best option for me and they seem to want to come, so I turn back to them.

  “Only if I pay for gas, hotels and meals.”

  “Son…” Dad is shaking his head like he’s not going to agree to this stipulation.

  “Dad, I don’t think you realize I’ve been getting a paycheck from the government for the last seven years. I’m considered one hundred percent disabled because of my PTSD. I haven’t blown that money. Other than the little bit of it I used to eat, I’ve dropped all of it into savings. I’m in a good place financially. I just didn’t live like it. I would love for you to drive me, but only under those conditions.”

  An uncomfortable pause fills the air between us as I wait for my dad’s response. My mom looks back and forth between us nervously and finally answers for both of them. “Fine.”

  When I smile at her she springs to her feet, coming to me for a hug. I’ve gotten a ton of those since I’ve been home and it was uncomfortable at first but now it feels right again. “I’ve missed that smile. I was afraid I’d never get to see it again,” she says, her voice hoarse with emotion. “Okay, let me get packed. Baker, can you get things in order for us to be gone for the next week or two?”

  My dad laughs at her excitement and comes over to wrap us both in a hug. “I’ll handle it, Cathy. You go get packed. We’ll leave early in the morning.”

  Mom hurries off muttering to herself while Dad and I chuckle.

  We drive about halfway, stopping outside of Dallas to eat dinner, and I put us up in separate rooms. I love having my parents back in my life, but I went from being alone most days to being around Rosie full-time and then my parents all the waking hours of a day. I need a little break for quiet. I make sure to get a room with a balcony. After we eat dinner and turn in, I drag a pillow and the hotel comforter out to the balcony to sleep. It’s cold, but not nearly as cold as most nights in Colorado Springs during the winter.

  I don’t sleep much. Instead I lie awake and think about Rosie. And there’s so much to think about. The last night I was at her house, in her bed, is burned into my brain. Never has skin been so soft, a kiss so hot and also so sweet, and never have I been that hard for a woman. Well, maybe when I was a teenager, but certainly not since. What I wouldn’t give to have all of that thick hair fall around us like a silk curtain as she moves on top of me. I still can’t believe she’s brought those kinds of thoughts and feelings back to life. I spent so many years in survival mode that my body went dormant. As I lie here thinking of her it’s apparent my body is no longer in hibernation mode. It’s awake and ready to prove to Rosanna what I’m capable of.

  During the last couple of hours of the trip my mom falls asleep in the backseat and my dad breaks the silence. “Any idea what you want to do with the rest of your life? Have you thought that far out or are you still just moving day to day?”

  “Until Rosie, my only thought was getting through life day to day, surviving, you know?”

  My dad nods but stays quiet.

  “Now, I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to live without Rosie and I want to take care of her. Does that sound crazy? I mean, I haven’t been able to take care of myself properly for years now.”

  “No, it doesn’t sound crazy. It sounds like love. A good woman will make you a better man.”

  “Is it too soon? I mean, with Ariel it took a lot longer to think about the future and it didn’t end up lasting. I seriously just met Rosie, but it all feels bigger, or more, or something. What I had with Ariel doesn’t even scratch the surface of what I’m feeling for Rosie.”

  “I met your mother on a Tuesday and knew by Sunday I wanted to marry her. It doesn’t seem crazy. Ariel wasn’t right for you. It’s easy to see now. She’s all over town in the expensive clothes, fancy car, with a big house and a husband who’s high profile. None of those things were ever what you were about, so it wouldn’t have worked even if you came back with zero issues.

  “I don’t know this Rosie, but already she changed things in you for the better without doing anything but caring for you. That says more about her character and how she fits you than anything else. My question for you is, do you make her a better person?”

  I sit back in my seat and look out the window as the last of the Kansas landscape zips by. “I don’t know. The only person who can answer the question about if I make her a better person is her.” Guess I have to wait to see if she even welcomes me back. She may not be interested at all. She’s definitely seen the worst of me.

  11

  Rosie

  Cy’s been gone for almost two weeks. Before him I was living my life just fine. I had a home I loved, I lived near my sister and her family, I was able to donate my time to the Veterans Homeless Shelter and I was taking my time to find a good job. Life was finally easy.

  Meeting Cy and spending all that time with him only to have him gone just as quickly as he appeared, has left me feeling like I’m missing something in my life again. Now, I’m twice as lonely as I was before I moved to Colorado Springs. Who knew one injured homeless man could change so much in such a short time?

  There have been many nights since he left that I’ve lain in bed thinking about our last night together. I’ve never felt that kind of passion with anyone and also never felt that close to someone emotionally before. My body is taking forever to cool off from the simmer he caused. I can’t imagine how I would feel if we’d actually made love that night.

  It’s Christmas Eve and I’m at a party at Judson and Quinn’s ranch house with Mari and her family. There are probably twenty-five or thirty people here. The white lights on the Christmas tree and the fire in the fireplace give off a warm glow. Christmas music plays softly in the background while the kids play and the adults talk.

  I’ve been standing off to the side for a few minutes, lost in thought, when Quinn—Dex’s partner on the police force and one of the nicest women I’ve ever met—approaches and I turn to look at her.

  “Hey,” I say with a smile I hope doesn’t appear as fake as it feels. I don’t want to bring anyone else down tonight, so even though I didn’t feel like being here, I didn’t stay home.

  “Hey, you look pretty deep in thought,” she says.

  “I was, but I’m okay.”

  “Mari said you’ve been quiet since Cyrus left. You haven’t heard from him?”

  “No. Dex said you guys check
ed his old stomping grounds and no one has seen him. Maybe he moved on. I just wish he would’ve said goodbye.”

  She wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me in close. “Everything will be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like that now, but it will.”

  “I know you’re right. I’ve been through so much worse. I just didn’t realize how lonely I was until I spent time with him. I also didn’t realize how badly I needed the hope he brought into my life.”

  “Hope?” she asks before she takes a sip of her wine.

  “Yeah. I know it sounds stupid. He was homeless, but I had hope for the future. For having a man in my life who understood me, for having nights that weren’t lonely, for having arms to hold me, for having a man to care for. I don’t know what it was about him, but I could see so much in him. Stuff I don’t think anyone else could see. He’s a good man, just one who was having a hard time coping. I know I’ll be okay, I’m just mourning his loss I guess.”

  “Well, we’re all here for you if you need us. Everyone in this room cares about you, so if you need something, don’t hesitate to ask.”

  Valerie, another friend of ours, walks up to join us as I say to Quinn, “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

  “I can tell by the look on your face I walked into a conversation about a man,” Valerie mentions with a small smile on her face. “Is it the one Dex asked Javier to look into?”

  Javier is a private investigator so I shouldn’t be surprised Dex called him. I mean, Cy did have me send his driver’s license to Dex.

  “Yeah, probably.”

  “Why the long face then?” Valerie asks and before I can answer she continues, “Javier said he checks out. Seems like a good guy, just in need of some help. They’re going to try to talk him into going to see this counselor they’ve seen. He’s former military, a good guy.”

  “Well, if he ever comes back we can share the information, but I think he’s long gone.”

  “Why do you think that?” Valerie asks.

  “He’s been gone two weeks with no contact. I think I just need to let him go.”

  Before any of us can say anything else, Lila, Quinn’s daughter who has been busy toddling around while everyone was talking, comes running toward her mom at full speed, her little mouth covered in some kind of dessert.

  Quinn snatches her up, causing her to squeal, “Mommy!” and Quinn whisks her off toward the bathroom, presumably to clean up her face.

  “I could use a drink,” I tell Valerie, ready to give up on my sad state of mind. We turn and stroll toward the kitchen where I find Dex and Mari in a whispered conversation.

  “Hey, guys, everything okay?” I ask, certain it is, but just making sure because it’s rare they look like this in public.

  They exchange a look and Mari says, “I’ve got something I need to show you. Can you grab your coat?”

  “It’s outside?” At night? In the cold? That’s weird. I’m not going to the barn to see one of her favorite horses tonight.

  “Yes, we may be out there for a few minutes so go grab your coat, please.” She has a weird look on her face I just can’t place that’s making me a little apprehensive. She’s my sister, so I know she would never do anything to hurt me, but something about the conversation she and Dex were having when I came up makes me nervous.

  “We aren’t going to the barn, are we?”

  “No, and don’t ask anything else. Trust me.”

  I nod. “Sure, okay. Give me a second. I hope we won’t be out there long. My dress is a little short for hanging out in Colorado December weather at night.”

  “You’ll be fine. I promise. Come on, hurry up!”

  “Okay.” I go to the coatrack and slip my long black wool coat on over my black knee-length dress. I have on black tights so that should help but it’s still pretty cold out there. My little red suede ankle boots are cute but not much in the way of warmth. “I’m ready.”

  “Fine, follow me.” She grins as she turns so I can trail behind her as she leads me out onto the wraparound porch, down the stairs and to the line of cars parked in the driveway. One car is running out there with the headlights on. I thought everyone was here.

  I’m ready to ask Mari what’s going on when she turns to me and says, “You have company.”

  “Who—”

  Before I can finish asking her, the passenger door opens and Cy gets out of the car. His hair is much shorter and his beard is clipped close to his face. Even as fondly as I’ve thought of him the last couple weeks I still forgot how damn handsome he is all cleaned up. Now with the haircut and the facial hair...wow.

  “Cy,” I whisper in absolute shock.

  He shuts the door and shoves his left hand in his pocket, the right still hangs at his side in a cast as he makes his way to me slowly. It’s dark outside but the lights from the house and the headlights of the car illuminate his face enough to see his expression. He’s nervous.

  It dawns on me suddenly that Mari knew he was coming. I turn to her. “Mari, how?” I ask as tears slip down my cheeks.

  “Cy called Dex and asked to see you. Dex gave him the address and told him what time to be here. Do you want to see him?”

  I nod. She smiles softly at me. “Then get over there, girl.”

  I turn and notice he stopped, probably waiting to see what my reaction will be. Without thinking, I take off running toward him. He doesn’t have time to brace and steps back on one foot to get ahold of me. “Cy! You’re here. What are you doing here? How did you get here? Where have you been? Are you okay?” I throw the questions out, rapid fire.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. God, I missed you. Give me a minute to hold you and then I’ll answer any question you want.”

  My sister comes up next to us. “Cy, are your parents in the car?”

  “Yeah, that’s them.”

  We don’t let go of each other and it takes me a second to register that he said his parents are in the car. “Your parents are in the car? Oh, my gosh! You’ve got your parents with you?”

  My sister takes control of the situation. “I’m going to invite them inside. We have plenty of food and it’s warm in there.”

  “Okay,” we both answer at the same time and laugh a little.

  My sister approaches the car and after a few seconds of muffled conversation the car shuts off, the doors slam and they all approach us.

  Cy lets me go and steps back. “Rosie, Mari, these are my parents, Baker and Cathy McMullen.”

  My sister shakes their hands and before I put mine out to do the same his mom throws her arms around me and squeezes tight.

  “Thank you.” She lets out a little sob and holds me a little tighter. “You brought our son back to us.”

  “Come on, honey, don’t scare Rosie away. We just met her,” her husband says gently as he pulls her away and into his arms.

  “I’m sorry.” She flaps her hands a little at us. “I’m just so happy.”

  “And emotional,” Baker says under his breath.

  “Come on, let’s go inside so you can meet my husband and our friends. I hope you’re hungry. We have plenty of food,” my sister says.

  As they are walking past, his dad pauses and puts his hand on my shoulder. “We owe you everything,” he says, and then he strolls away like he didn’t just drop an emotional bombshell on me.

  “Are you really here?” I ask.

  “Yes. Are you happy I’m here?” He looks like he’s genuinely unsure.

  “Do you really have to ask that?” I giggle a little, feeling giddy. I run my hand across his jaw, feeling the soft facial hair with my fingers. “You cut your hair.”

  “Yeah, I thought you deserved for me to put some effort into this.” His grin is enough to melt the ice forming on my legs and toes.

  “I’m so glad you’re here, but we have to go inside before I freeze to death.”

  He slips his good arm over my shoulder and leads me to the back porch where his parents disappeared with Mari.

  We pause
before we enter and I stare up at him. “There are a lot of people in there. Are you going to be okay?”

  “I don’t know. But I’m willing to try, for you and for my parents.” I squeeze his waist and lead him inside.

  We last about an hour before I can tell he’s hitting his tolerance point. I lead him over to where his parents are talking to my friends Victor and Colby. I introduce them to Cy and then turn to Baker and Cathy, “I think it’s time to go. Can you drive us back to my place? I rode here with my sister. I have room for you to stay with me if you’d like.”

  “Sure, but we don’t want to impose. We have a room reserved at a hotel near your condo.”

  “I insist. I doubt you’ve had many Christmases with your son since he became an adult. You should stay with us at my place.”

  His parents stare at each other, having some kind of secret conversation. Finally, his mom nods. “Yes, that would mean a lot to us, we just don’t want to drop in on you. I know it’s a lot to take in.”

  “Don’t think anything of it. I’m happy to have you.”

  We say goodbye to everyone and leave as the snowfall we’ve been waiting for begins.

  A few hours later we’re at my condo. His parents are up in the guest room, probably sleeping by now. Cy and I are cuddled on the couch, lights off, with the curtains open, watching the snow fall outside in the dark. We had my little Christmas tree lit up and glowing nicely until we realized we weren’t able to see out the windows as well.

  We’re quiet for a long time. The only sound I can hear is his heart beating under my ear as it rests against his chest. I have fifty questions I want to ask, but only one that I need to ask tonight.

  “Why did you come back to me?”

  “There are a lot of reasons, but the number one reason is that you gave me hope.”

  Did he just say hope? That’s exactly what I told Quinn tonight. Hope. He gave me hope too. I don’t speak, so he continues, “You showed me kindness and patience and showed me that it’s possible to be a man again. Things aren’t going to be perfect. I’m not miraculously a different man; I still have a lot to work through, but I want to be a better man for you. I want to be the man you deserve.”