Mandra

by Chris Slusser

  His heart began beating faster and his hands grew clammy. His mind worked quickly on what to do, what to say. He walked over to meet them.

  They pulled up their horses and one of the men sneered down at him. "Well, here we find our traitor," he said harshly.

  "You didn't go far enough away if you were planning on deserting, Devon," said the other one calmly.

  "I'm not deserting," Devon said coldly. "Why have you come here?" he asked.

  "Why do you think?" said the angry one. "Do you have the girl or not?" He scowled again. "I wouldn't think she'd be much of a match for you, but I see I was wrong."

  Devon prayed silently that Isabel would not choose this moment to come out of the stables. He didn't even dare to look in her direction to check. "I couldn't find her," he said to the soldiers.

  "And yet here you are," said the calm one. "Having a nice holiday, are ya? While the rest of us are off fighting for the king?" He smiled sarcastically.

  "I just recently stopped here," Devon said, thinking quickly. "I was on my way back from the north. She's not anywhere in these parts, I'm fairly sure," he said, trying to stay calm, hoping they'd believe him.

  "I'd say he looks well rested up, wouldn't you?" said the hot head, looking at his companion. "I guess he'll know in future not to leave his important work to you, won't he, softy?"

  Devon glared up at the man. "I did my job, and I did it well. She's not to be found here," he practically growled at the man.

  "Maybe you'd like to invite us into your humble castle, my lord," said the calm one mockingly.

  "I'll get my things and we can start back now," said Devon firmly. "I need my horse, and I'll be ready." He watched them coldly, waiting for their reaction.

  The calm one shrugged his shoulders. "It's all the same to me, boy," he said, "but I can't promise there'll be a happy greeting at the other end."

  "Ay, that there won't," said the other. "Don't worry, we'll watch your hangin'," he said in mock sweetness. "And we'll put pretty flowers on your grave too."

  Devon glared at the man and gritted his teeth. He wanted to explode in angry words at them both, but instead he turned toward the stables finally, and quickly went to get his horse. He knew the soldiers' eyes must be on him and he prayed they couldn't see her as well as he could.

  She was in shadow, a worried expression on her face.

  ---

  "Where can he be?" she thought to herself. Then suddenly she heard his voice outside. It was strange, urgent in a way. Surprised, she went and glanced out the stable door.

  It took a moment to register in her mind what she was seeing. Two men dressed like soldiers, in black, sat on horses. Devon stood in front of them. They were arguing. She couldn't hear their exact words.

  Nole had stepped quietly beside her to watch. Automatically she started forward, wanting to go to Devon.

  Nole stopped her with a hand on her arm. "Step back," he said quietly.

  She glanced at him, a little annoyed, but did what he said.

  Devon said something to the men. One of the soldiers sat still for a moment, then replied and nodded at him. Devon spoke again, then began walking swiftly to the stables. He looked very worried. Quickly he came inside and went straight to her. With his hands on her arms, he moved her even further into the shadows.

  She felt a chill go through her body. "What is going on?" she could barely whisper. Her throat had tightened up from the tension.

  He looked stumped, as if he had no idea how to answer. His eyes were intently looking at her. His grip on her arms just a little too hard.

  "Devon," she whispered. Somehow she knew what would happen next. Already she knew.

  He quickly got a hold of himself. He rubbed her shoulders compulsively with his fingers and stared at her, memorizing everything. "Forgive me," he managed to choke out. He glanced out at the men. They looked agitated. He took one last look at her and touched her face. Quickly, and with great emotion, he kissed her lips and then pulled away. He was blinking his eyes so he could see through the gloss of tears in them. He went over and grabbed a horse by the reins.

  She watched him from a daze, disbelieving what seemed to be happening.

  Suddenly he swung up onto the horse and looked fiercely at Nole. "Watch her," he said seriously. "Don't let her go." And then he was gone. He rode rapidly out of the stables and over to the men.

  She felt herself walking slowly to the door. The chill she'd felt before was still with her.

  Almost as soon as he joined the men, they were all off together, going south... toward Kargid.

  She felt a hand slip around her arm once more. She ignored it. "Oh, my God!" she cried. "Oh God." Her feet wanted to run, but Nole wouldn't let her go. She lurched forward, but he had a good hold on her and pulled her back.

  She struggled to get away, but he put his arms around her and held her tightly.

  "Damn you!" she yelled at him. "Let me go!" Tears stung her eyes. Anger seethed inside of her. Why would he not let her move? She had to follow Devon. Wasn't he in just as much trouble as her with the Kargid soldiers? They wouldn't kill her, but they might him. She could help him. Could Nole not see this? "Bastard!" She hurled curses at him, as she grew angrier and angrier. "What are you helping!"

  She fought against him with all her strength, and it did her no good. He was simply stronger than she was. She stopped struggling. Her head dropped forward and she began to cry. Tears of anger and frustration. How could this have happened to them?

  When Nole felt her relax in his arms, he loosened his hold on her. She crumbled to the ground. He followed. Gingerly he put his arms around her again. This time for comfort.

  After several minutes Isabel sat with her head in her hands, taking deep breaths. She looked up finally. Nole left a hand on her back and waited to see what she would do.

  "We could go after them," she said suddenly, with renewed vigor. She got herself on her feet again, and Nole followed her as she went to the other horses. "We could find them and... do something," she said pathetically.

  Nole just listened. Isabel put her hand halfheartedly on the saddle horn, as if she were going to climb up. He put his hand on hers to stop her. She didn't resist.

  "I'm sorry..." he said.

  "Fine," she said coldly, and marched out of the stables. He watched her head in the direction of the lake. Just to be sure she wouldn't try to leave, he followed her at a distance. Devon's sacrifice would be meaningless if she put herself in danger for him.

  He stayed in the woods and saw her as she went to the clearing, by the big fallen tree. She sat and stared into the lake.

  Random thoughts were running through her mind as she folded her arms around herself. The day before, Devon had been right there, teaching her to swim. Last night she had feared this would happen. And here it was. It was completely unreal to her, that he could be gone. Her head ached from crying, but nonetheless, she felt hot tears run down her face as she stared at that shimmering water. Everything became blurry, but she didn't care. She didn't bother to wipe her tears away. Nothing mattered now. Not like it had. He had risked his life to help her and to be with her. She was the one who should be with those soldiers now. Being led back to Kargid for that false wedding. Would that be so horrible compared to this?

  She found it hard to breathe. Her spirit struggled inside her in agony. If they hang him... she thought, then shuddered. It could be worse if they didn't. She made herself calm down and breathe properly. She wiped her eyes carefully and dried her cheeks. Her lips tasted salty from her tears.

  The water in front of her lapped aimlessly against the shore. As she stood up, she gazed blankly into it. It must be deep, she thought, glancing at the darkness farther out. It shimmered and called to her.

  Her feet began walking towards it, almost without her permission. They took her to the edge of the water. She stepped in. She felt the cold morning water fill up her boots slowly and chill her toes. The bottom of her
dress soaked up the clear water. It became heavy, and she moved further into the lake. She knew, under the water, sounds were muffled, everything was dark and soothing. There was peace. There could be.

  It was cold. She waded in up to her waist and dragged her fingers around beside her. She'd sink like a big rock in this dress. She took another step.

  A splashing noise behind her startled her out of her daze. She turned to find Nole striding through the water towards her. But she had reached the drop-off. She took another step.

  Over the unseen edge she fell quickly, and the water rushed up her body and over her head. It made her shiver involuntarily with its sudden coldness. She held her breath, though there was no need. Soon it would all be gone, all the breathing and living and pain. Her waterlogged clothes pulled her downward into darkness. Her chest grew tight. This was all wrong. It shouldn't hurt. A fear gripped her suddenly: what if this didn't end the pain? What had she done?

  She struggled in vain to raise her body to the surface. Her hands flailed above her. She could see their white shapes swinging to and fro in the darkness and her chest hurt. The white shapes began to fade. But there was something else, a form, coming to get her. To take her away. She felt the water enter her lungs, and gag her. Then she felt nothing at all.

  Chapter 14

  There was something beating on her, smacking her in the back. Isabel felt herself cough and sputter up a horrible amount of liquid. She wanted to cry because of the way it stung inside her nose. She did cry. The beating on her back stopped. She opened her eyes carefully. She saw dirt and a pair of rough leather boots.

  Nole turned her over on his lap and sputtered, "Thank God!" He helped her to the ground, then slid off the big log himself and put his head in his hands. They were shaking.

  Isabel curled up on the ground next to him and shivered. She couldn't think anymore. Her stomach began to hurt as she realized she was right back where she had started. And her pain was still here. She prayed that God would let her die, would kill her somehow, if she couldn't do it herself. Would He please end this?

  Nole sat beside her still shaken. His prayers were of a different sort. He begged the Almighty to please watch over this girl and not make his job so difficult. He began to feel peace again. His heartbeat calmed down. His hands were steady. He grew strong again, and he knew it was because she couldn't be now. He would have to be her strength. He would do his best anyway.

  He looked down at her. Her eyes were squeezed shut. He touched her cheek with the back of his hand. Ice cold. She was always getting herself into trouble, he thought to himself. Kind to everyone, but horrible to herself. She tortured herself over the troubles of others. It chilled him to the bone to think of what she had just tried to do.

  "Isabel."

  She didn't answer. She lay there, locked somewhere deep inside herself. She heard him, but prayed endlessly for deliverance from the world she was now in. She couldn't answer.

  He wanted to cry his eyes out, but he held back. With his last ounce of strength, he managed to scoop her up into his arms. She clung to him like a child as he staggered back to the castle. He made himself keep moving, thinking of her tormented spirit. God, he would do anything to soothe it for her. If he could reach her at all. This time no herbs or words of wisdom could help her, he knew.

  Zenie ran out to meet them, as he neared the castle. She wore a profound look of worry on her face.

  "The door," Nole said, out of breath, and nodded for her to open it.

  She ran obediently over to it and held it wide open for him. He got them through the doorway and into the parlor. He set Isabel down quickly in the couch nearest the fireplace.

  Zenie watched closely, eager to help, but not knowing how.

  "Zenie, would you build a fire?" Nole practically whispered as he sunk into the nearest chair. She scampered off to find firewood and he collapsed into long held back tears.

  * * *

  Isabel had lain in that bed for hours, Nole thought. He sat next to her fireplace, and watched her stare at the wall. She didn't even look out the window, at the stars. She stared at the wall below the glass. The sky was clear and unusually bright that night.

  She had been this way all day. Since the incident at the lake. The maids had put her into some warm dry clothes. Zenie had carefully brushed out her hair as it dried. Isabel had not reacted to any of this. Nole had tucked her carefully into her bed. And now she just stared.

  They had tried to give her food, but it was futile. She was far away. He couldn't leave her. He was afraid to leave her. If only she would fall asleep. Perhaps he could do the same. He had his bedding with him to spread on her floor, should he get a chance to rest.

  It had been a long hard day for him. His muscles ached. His mind was foggy. At least she hadn't moved for hours. Did it matter if she closed her eyes? He rubbed his own eyes and pondered this. He needed rest. He promised himself he'd hear her if she moved. His head was pounding a little bit. What good was he to her if he couldn't keep himself well?

  He sighed and groaned a bit as he shifted his sore muscles and began laying his bedding on the floor. Sloppily he crawled into it and relief rushed over him. He pulled the covers around his body and let himself float into sleep.

  He dreamed vividly of frightening scenes. The specific details escaped him, but he kept waking suddenly to an eerily quiet room. He swore only minutes had passed each time he woke. The night would take forever to pass at this rate.

  Finally he felt himself drop off into a true sleep, after his mind was finished with the troubling dreams. He felt peace and knew everything would be all right. He slept soundly.

  Something cool had settled between his eyes. It was soothing, but as he slowly came back to consciousness, he began to wonder what it was. It moved to his forehead, and he cracked his eyes open a bit.

  After a few moments of blinking, he saw her. Her golden hair was the first thing he noticed. It was down in a dull mane around her face. Her face was blank and she stared at him now, instead of her wall. She was kneeling beside him, with her cool hand on his forehead. She removed it and spoke.

  "Look at you," she said.

  He listened.

  She waited for her words to sink in. "Not a wrinkle in your forehead while you sleep." She wrinkled up her own absently as she said this. "I envy you."

  He sat up slowly, not wanting to startle her out of her talkative mood. The fire was still burning and the sky was still dark. Her bare feet were right next to the cold stone floor and she didn't seem to care.

  "Why didn't you let me die?" She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. She pressed her face to her knees, so only her serious eyes peeked out at him.

  "How could I?" he asked softly.

  "You could've saved me from much pain if you had," she said and buried her face in her arms.

  "You know I couldn't have let you drown." He put his hands on her arms. "Isabel..." She was so cold still. He rubbed her arms a bit to warm her up.

  Her head came up then, with glassy eyes. She sniffled, and blinked. "If you won't find it too improper..." she began quietly in a childish voice. "Could I climb in there with you?" she finished in a whisper. He thought he heard a sob behind her voice.

  He said nothing, only made room for her in his makeshift bed. Like a little girl, she crawled under the blankets and cuddled up next to him, as he laid down again.

  She sighed as she felt his warm and comforting arm close protectively around her. She wouldn't think of how wrong this was now—to sleep next to a man this way. She needed his calmness near her. She melted into a fitful sleep.

  * * *

  Isabel woke slowly as if sleep were still trying to hold onto her. She saw light through her eyelids and tried her best to open them. All around her was a blur of dull light, morning light. Her muscles were stiff. She had once again slept on the floor. Why had she done that?

  Dear God! She remembered. She was awake now. She sat
up quickly and put a hand to her mouth. Nole was gone and early morning light was seeping through the window. The sky was dull gray.

  She looked at the makeshift bed in horror as she stepped out of it. Only one night before, she had slept in this same room, on this same floor. In the arms of her love. And now already she had crawled into another man's bed. How could she have betrayed Devon in this way? And after what he'd done for her.

  She cursed herself silently and vowed it would never happen again. There would never be an opportunity. Quickly, she dressed in the gray light. She made her way downstairs as stealthily as she could, hoping Nole was nowhere near.

  He wasn't. Relieved, she sneaked outside before anyone could tempt her with breakfast. It was once again unusually cold for summer. She was in the garden again, the place she thought best. Beautiful flowers growing and weaving all around her. High stone walls to block out... everyone else. She was safe here. And calm. She could think.

  She paced and chewed her thumbnail. She could make no sense of anything today. Questions she posed silently to herself remained unanswered. There were no answers. There was nothing. Simply nothing. Her tears were meaningless, a slow trickle down her face. Helping nothing, fixing nothing. Just constantly there, she thought.

  Her tears didn't last long this time. An emptiness came over her and swallowed her up. A deadly calm. A little unsettling to her, but a bit of a relief. Her upset stomach relaxed. The knots she had felt since Devon left were gone. She felt nothing. She was nothing.

  She sat down on a stone bench and watched gray clouds roll slowly across the sky. Pebbles shifted as she heard someone take a step. She didn't bother looking at him. She knew it was him. Her ever present guardian. Damn him for being there! Always being there.

  Seeing she had no reaction, he kept walking towards her. There was the blank expression on her face again. How long could she go on like this? He wondered. Without a word, he sat next to her. He knew she was cold, but he did not offer her his warm coat. Nor did he put his arm around her. Her real pain was something deep inside. Something he couldn't reach. No matter how hard he tried. So he sat. Calmly, and patiently, just so she'd know he was there.