Winsome Winnie and other New Nonsense Novels

by Stephen Leacock

  "For the next few minutes my professional interest absorbed all myfaculties. I laid out my instruments upon a board, tapped the boilerwith a small hammer, tested the feed-tube, and in a few moments had madewhat I was convinced was a correct diagnosis of the trouble.

  "But here I encountered the greatest professional dilemma in which Ihave ever been placed. There was nothing wrong with the boiler at all.It connected, as I ascertained at once by a thermo-dynamic valvulartest, with the furnace (in fact, I could see it did), and the furnacequite evidently had been allowed to go out.

  "What was I to do? If I told them this, I broke every professional ruleof our union. If the thing became known I should probably be disbarredand lose my overalls for it. It was my plain professional duty to take alarge hammer and knock holes in the boiler with it, smash up the furnacepipes, start a leak of gas, and then call in three or more of mycolleagues.

  "But somehow I couldn't find it in my heart to do it. The thought of thegirl's appealing face arose before me.

  "'How long has this trouble been going on?' I asked sternly.

  "'Quite a time,' answered the Bishop. 'It began, did it not, General,the same day that the confounded furnace went out? The General here andAdmiral Hay and I have been working at it for three days.'

  "'Well, gentlemen,' I said, 'I don't want to read you a lesson on yourown ineptitude, and I don't suppose you would understand it if I did.But don't you see that the whole trouble is _because_ you let thefurnace out? The boiler itself is all right, but you see, gents, itfeeds off the furnace.'

  "'Ah,' said the Bishop in a deep melodious tone, 'it feeds off thefurnace. Now that is most interesting. Let me repeat that; I must try toremember it; it feeds _off_ the furnace. Just so.'

  "The upshot was that in twenty minutes we had the whole thing put torights. I set the General breaking up boxes and had the Bishop rake outthe clinkers, and very soon we had the furnace going and the boiler inoperation.

  "'But now tell me,' said the Bishop, 'suppose one wanted to let thefurnace out--suppose, I mean to say, that it was summer-time, andsuppose one rather felt that one didn't care about a furnace and yet onewanted one's boiler going for one's hot water, and that sort of thing,what would one do?'

  "'In that case,' I said, 'you couldn't run your heating off yourfurnace: you'd have to connect in your tubing with a gas generator.'

  "'Ah, there you get me rather beyond my depth,' said the Bishop.

  "The General shook his head. 'Bishop,' he said, 'just step upstairs aminute; I have an idea.'

  "They went up together, leaving me below. To my surprise andconsternation, as they reached the top of the cellar stairs, I saw theGeneral swing the door shut and heard a key turn in the lock. I rushedto the top of the stairs and tried in vain to open the door. I wastrapped. In a moment I realized my folly in trusting myself in the handsof these people.

  "I could hear their voices in the hall, apparently in eager discussion.

  "'But the fellow is priceless,' the General was saying. 'We could takehim round to all the different houses and make him fix them all. Hangit, Bishop, I haven't had a decent tap running for two years, andAdmiral Hay's pantry has been flooded since last March.'

  "'But one couldn't compel him?'

  "'Certainly, why not? I'd compel him bally quick with this.'

  "I couldn't see what the General referred to, but had no doubt that itwas the huge wrench that he still carried in his hand.

  "'We could gag the fellow,' he went on, 'take him from house to houseand make him put everything right.'

  "'Ah, but afterwards?' said the Bishop.

  "'Afterwards,' answered the General, 'why kill him! Knock him on thehead and bury him under the cement in the cellar. Hay and I couldeasily bury him, or for that matter I imagine one could easily use thefurnace itself to dispose of him.'

  "I must confess that my blood ran cold as I listened.

  "'But do you think it right?' objected the Bishop. 'You will say, ofcourse, that it is only killing a plumber; but yet one asks oneselfwhether it wouldn't be just a _leetle_ bit unjustifiable.'

  "'Nonsense,' said the General. 'You remember that last year, when Haystrangled the income tax collector, you yourself were very keen on it.'

  "'Ah, that was different,' said the Bishop, 'one felt there that therewas an end to serve, but here----'

  "'Nonsense,' repeated the General, 'come along and get Hay. He'll makeshort work of him.'

  "I heard their retreating footsteps and then all was still.

  "The horror which filled my mind as I sat in the half darkness waitingfor their return I cannot describe. My fate appeared sealed and I gavemyself up for lost, when presently I heard a light step in the hall andthe key turned in the lock.

  "The girl stood in front of me. She was trembling with emotion.

  "'Quick, quick, Mr. Thornton,' she said. 'I heard all that they said.Oh, I think it's dreadful of them, simply dreadful. Mr. Thornton, I'mreally ashamed that Father should act that way.'

  "I came out into the hall still half dazed.

  "'They've gone over to Admiral Hay's house, there among the trees.That's their lantern. Please, please, don't lose a minute. Do you mindnot having a cab? I think really you'd prefer not to wait. And look,won't you please take this?'--she handed me a little packet as shespoke--'this is a piece of pie: you always get that, don't you? andthere's a bit of cheese with it, but please run.'

  "In another moment I had bounded from the door into the darkness. A wildrush through the darkened streets, and in twenty minutes I was safeback again in my own consulting-room."

  Thornton paused in his narrative, and at that moment one of the stewardsof the club came and whispered something in his ear.

  He rose.

  "I'm sorry," he said, with a grave face. "I'm called away; a very oldclient of mine. Valvular trouble of the worst kind. I doubt if I can doanything, but I must at least go. Please don't let me break up yourevening, however."

  With a courtly bow he left us.

  "And do you know the sequel to Thornton's story?" asked Fortescue with asmile.

  We looked expectantly at him.

  "Why, he married the girl," explained Fortescue. "You see, he had to goback to her house for his wrench. One always does."

  "Of course," we exclaimed.

  "In fact he went three times; and the last time he asked the girl tomarry him and she said 'yes.' He took her out of her surroundings, hadher educated at a cooking school, and had her given lessons on theparlour organ. She's Mrs. Thornton now."

  "And the Bishop?" asked some one.

  "Oh, Thornton looked after him. He got him a position heating furnacesin the synagogues. He worked at it till he died a few years ago. Theysay that once he got the trick of it he took the greatest delight in it.Well, I must go too. Good night."

  VII

  THE BLUE AND THE GREY

  A PRE-WAR WAR STORY

  (_The title is selected for its originality. A set of seventy-five mapswill be supplied to any reader free for seventy-five cents. This offeris only open till it is closed_)

  _VII.--The Blue and the Grey: A Pre-War War Story._

  CHAPTER I

  The scene was a striking one. It was night. Never had the Mississippipresented a more remarkable appearance. Broad bayous, swollen beyond ourpowers of description, swirled to and fro in the darkness under treesgarlanded with Spanish moss. All moss other than Spanish had been sweptaway by the angry flood of the river.

  Eggleston Lee Carey Randolph, a young Virginian, captain of the ----thcompany of the ----th regiment of ----'s brigade--even this is more thanwe ought to say, and is hard to pronounce--attached to the Army of theTennessee, struggled in vain with the swollen waters. At times he sank.At other times he went up.

  In the intervals he wondered whether it would ever be possible for himto rejoin the particular platoon of the particular regiment to which hebelonged, and of which's whereabouts (not having the volume of the armyrecord at hand) he was in ignorance.
In the intervals, also, hereflected on his past life to a sufficient extent to give the reader amore or less workable idea as to who and to what he was. His father, theold grey-haired Virginian aristocrat, he could see him still. "Take thissword, Eggleston," he had said, "use it for the State; never foranything else: don't cut string with it or open tin cans. Never sheatheit till the soil of Virginia is free. Keep it bright, my boy: oil itevery now and then, and you'll find it an A 1 sword."

  Did Eggleston think, too, in his dire peril of another--younger than hisfather and fairer? Necessarily, he did. "Go, Eggleston!" she hadexclaimed, as they said farewell under the portico of his father's housewhere she was visiting, "it is your duty. But mine lies elsewhere. Icannot forget that I am a Northern girl. I must return at once to mypeople in Pennsylvania. Oh, Egg, when will this cruel war end?"

  So had the lovers parted.

  Meanwhile--while Eggleston is going up and down for the third time,which is of course the last--suppose we leave him, and turn to considerthe general position of the Confederacy. All right: suppose we do.

  CHAPTER II

  At this date the Confederate Army of the Tennessee was extended in aline with its right resting on the Tennessee and its left resting on theMississippi. Its rear rested on the rugged stone hills of the Chickasabarange, while its front rested on the marshes and bayous of the Yazoo.Having thus--as far as we understand military matters--both its flankscovered and its rear protected, its position was one which we ourselvesconsider very comfortable.

  It was thus in an admirable situation for holding a review or fordiscussing the Constitution of the United States in reference to theright of secession.

  The following generals rode up and down in front of the army, namely,Mr. A. P. Hill, Mr. Longstreet, and Mr. Joseph Johnston. All these threecelebrated men are thus presented to our readers at one and the sametime without extra charge.

  But who is this tall, commanding figure who rides beside them, his headbent as if listening to what they are saying (he really isn't) while hiseye alternately flashes with animation or softens to its naturalmelancholy? (In fact, we can only compare it to an electric light bulbwith the power gone wrong.) Who is it? It is Jefferson C. Davis,President, as our readers will be gratified to learn, of the ConfederateStates.

  It being a fine day and altogether suitable for the purpose, GeneralLongstreet reined in his prancing black charger (during this distressedperiod all the horses in both armies were charged: there was no otherway to pay for them), and in a few terse words, about three pages, gavehis views on the Constitution of the United States.

  Jefferson Davis, standing up in his stirrups, delivered a stirringharangue, about six columns, on the powers of the Supreme Court,admirably calculated to rouse the soldiers to frenzy. After whichGeneral A. P. Hill offered a short address, soldier-like and to thepoint, on the fundamental principles of international law, whichinflamed the army to the highest pitch.

  At this moment an officer approached the President, saluted and stoodrigidly at attention. Davis, with that nice punctilio which marked theSouthern army, returned the salute.

  "Do you speak first?" he said, "or did I?"

  "Let me," said the officer. "Your Excellency," he continued, "a youngVirginian officer has just been fished out of the Mississippi."

  Davis's eye flashed. "Good!" he said. "Look and see if there are manymore," and then he added with a touch of melancholy, "The South needsthem: fish them all out. Bring this one here."

  Eggleston Lee Carey Randolph, still dripping from the waters of thebayou, was led by the faithful negroes who had rescued him before thegenerals. Davis, who kept every thread of the vast panorama of the warin his intricate brain, eyed him keenly and directed a few searchingquestions to him, such as: "Who are you? Where are you? What day of theweek is it? How much is nine times twelve?" and so forth. Satisfied withEggleston's answers, Davis sat in thought a moment, and then continued:

  "I am anxious to send some one through the entire line of theConfederate armies in such a way that he will be present at all thegreat battles and end up at the battle of Gettysburg. Can you do it?"

  Randolph looked at his chief with a flush of pride.

  "I can."

  "Good!" resumed Davis. "To accomplish this task you must carrydespatches. What they will be about I have not yet decided. But it iscustomary in such cases to write them so that they are calculated, iflost, to endanger the entire Confederate cause. The main thing is, canyou carry them?"

  "Sir," said Eggleston, raising his hand in a military salute, "I am aRandolph."

  Davis with soldierly dignity removed his hat. "I am proud to hear it,Captain Randolph," he said.

  "And a Carey," continued our hero.

  Davis, with a graciousness all his own, took off his gloves. "I trustyou, _Major_ Randolph," he said.

  "And I am a Lee," added Eggleston quickly.

  Davis with a courtly bow unbuttoned his jacket. "It is enough," he said."I trust you. You shall carry the despatches. You are to carry them onyour person and, as of course you understand, you are to keep on losingthem. You are to drop them into rivers, hide them in old trees, burythem under moss, talk about them in your sleep. In fact, sir," saidDavis, with a slight gesture of impatience--it was his _one_fault--"you must act towards them as any bearer of Confederatedespatches is expected to act. The point is, can you do it, or can'tyou?"

  "Sir," said Randolph, saluting again with simple dignity, "I come fromVirginia."

  "Pardon me," said the President, saluting with both hands, "I hadforgotten it."

  CHAPTER III

  Randolph set out that night, mounted upon the fastest horse, in fact thefleetest, that the Confederate Army could supply. He was attended onlyby a dozen faithful negroes, all devoted to his person.

  Riding over the Tennessee mountains by paths known absolutely to no oneand never advertised, he crossed the Tombigbee, the Tahoochie and theTallahassee, all frightfully swollen, and arrived at the headquarters ofGeneral Braxton Bragg.

  At this moment Bragg was extended over some seven miles of bush anddense swamp. His front rested on the marshes of the Tahoochie River,while his rear was doubled sharply back and rested on a dense growth ofcactus plants. Our readers can thus form a fairly accurate idea ofBragg's position. Over against him, not more than fifty miles to thenorth, his indomitable opponent, Grant, lay in a frog-swamp. The spacebetween them was filled with Union and Confederate pickets,fraternizing, joking, roasting corn, and firing an occasional shot atone another.

  One glance at Randolph's despatches was enough.

  "Take them at once to General Hood," said Bragg.

  "Where is he?" asked Eggleston, with military precision.

  Bragg waved his sword towards the east. It was characteristic of the manthat even on active service he carried a short sword, while a pistol,probably loaded, protruded from his belt. But such was Bragg. Anyway, hewaved his sword. "Over there beyond the Tahoochicaba range," he said."Do you know it?"

  "No," said Randolph, "but I can find it."

  "Do," said Bragg, and added, "One thing more. On your present missionlet nothing stop you. Go forward at all costs. If you come to a river,swim it. If you come to a tree, cut it down. If you strike a fence,climb over it. But don't stop! If you are killed, never mind. Do youunderstand?"

  "Almost," said Eggleston.

  Two days later Eggleston reached the headquarters of General Hood, andflung himself, rather than dismounted, from his jaded horse.

  "Take me to the General!" he gasped.

  They pointed to the log cabin in which General Hood was quartered.

  Eggleston flung himself, rather than stepped, through the door.

  Hood looked up from the table.

  "Who was that flung himself in?" he asked.

  Randolph reached out his hand. "Despatches!" he gasped. "Food, whisky!"

  "Poor lad," said the General, "you are exhausted. When did you last havefood?"

  "Yesterday morning," gasped Eggleston.
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  "You're lucky," said Hood bitterly. "And when did you last have adrink?"

  "Two weeks ago," answered Randolph.

  "Great Heaven!" said Hood, starting up. "Is it possible? Here, quick,drink it!"

  He reached out a bottle of whisky. Randolph drained it to the last drop.

  "Now, General," he said, "I am at your service."

  Meanwhile Hood had cast his eye over the despatches.

  "Major Randolph," he said, "you have seen General Bragg?"

  "I have."

  "And Generals Johnston and Smith?"

  "Yes."

  "You have been through Mississippi and Tennessee and seen all thebattles there?"

  "I have," said Randolph.

  "Then," said Hood, "there is nothing left except to send you at once tothe army in Virginia under General Lee. Remount your horse at once andride to Gettysburg. Lose no time."

  CHAPTER IV

  It was at Gettysburg in Pennsylvania that Randolph found General Lee.

  The famous field is too well known to need description. The armies ofthe North and the South lay in and around the peaceful village ofGettysburg. About it the yellow cornfields basked in the summer sun. Thevoices of the teachers and the laughter of merry children rose in theharvest-fields. But already the shadow of war was falling over thelandscape. As soon as the armies arrived, the shrewder of the farmerssuspected that there would be trouble.

  General Lee was seated gravely on his horse, looking gravely over theground before him.