The Memoirs of Mr. Charles J. Yellowplush
Page 16
CHAPTER X.
THE HONEY-MOON.
The weak at Fontingblow past quickly away; and at the end of it, our sonand daughter-in-law--a pare of nice young tuttle-duvs--returned to theirnest, at the Hotel Mirabew. I suspeck that the COCK turtle-dove waspreshos sick of his barging.
When they arriv'd, the fust thing they found on their table was a largeparsle wrapt up in silver paper, and a newspaper, and a couple of cards,tied up with a peace of white ribbing. In the parsle was a hansume pieceof plum-cake, with a deal of sugar. On the cards was wrote, in Goffickcharacters,
Earl of Crabs.
And, in very small Italian,
Countess of Crabs.
And in the paper was the following parrowgraff:--
"MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--Yesterday, at the British embassy, the RightHonorable John Augustus Altamont Plantagenet, Earl of Crabs, to LeonoraEmilia, widow of the late Lieutenant-General Sir George Griffin, K. C.B. An elegant dejeune was given to the happy couple by his ExcellencyLord Bobtail, who gave away the bride. The elite of the foreigndiplomacy, the Prince Talleyrand and Marshal the Duke of Dalmatia onbehalf of H. M. the King of France, honored the banquet and the marriageceremony. Lord and Lady Crabs intend passing a few weeks at SaintCloud."
The above dockyments, along with my own triffling billy, of which I havealso givn a copy, greated Mr. and Mrs. Deuceace on their arrivle fromFontingblo. Not being present, I can't say what Deuceace said; but I canfancy how he LOOKT, and how poor Mrs. Deuceace lookt. They weren't muchinclined to rest after the fiteeg of the junny; for, in 1/2 an hourafter their arrival at Paris, the hosses were put to the carridgeagen, and down they came thundering to our country-house at St. Cloud(pronounst by those absud Frenchmin Sing Kloo), to interrup our chasteloves and delishs marridge injyments.
My lord was sittn in a crimson satan dressing-gown, lolling on a sofa atan open windy, smoaking seagars, as ushle; her ladyship, who, to du herjustice, didn mind the smell, occupied another end of the room, andwas working, in wusted, a pare of slippers, or an umbrellore case, or acoal-skittle, or some such nonsints. You would have thought to have sean'em that they had been married a sentry, at least. Well, I bust in uponthis conjugal tator-tator, and said, very much alarmed, "My lord, here'syour son and daughter-in-law."
"Well," says my lord, quite calm, "and what then?"
"Mr. Deuceace!" says my lady, starting up, and looking fritened.
"Yes, my love, my son; but you need not be alarmed. Pray, Charles, saythat Lady Crabs and I will be very happy to see Mr. and Mrs. Deuceace;and that they must excuse us receiving them en famille. Sit still, myblessing--take things coolly. Have you got the box with the papers?"
My lady pointed to a great green box--the same from which she had takenthe papers, when Deuceace fust saw them,--and handed over to my lord afine gold key. I went out, met Deuceace and his wife on the stepps, gavemy messinge, and bowed them palitely in.
My lord didn't rise, but smoaked away as usual (praps a little quicker,but I can't say); my lady sat upright, looking handsum and strong.Deuceace walked in, his left arm tied to his breast, his wife and hat onthe other. He looked very pale and frightened; his wife, poar thing! hadher head berried in her handkerchief, and sobd fit to break her heart.
Miss Kicksey, who was in the room (but I didn't mention her, she wasless than nothink in our house), went up to Mrs. Deuceace at onst, andheld out her arms--she had a heart, that old Kicksey, and I respect herfor it. The poor hunchback flung herself into Miss's arms, with a kindof whooping screech, and kep there for some time, sobbing in quite ahistorical manner. I saw there was going to be a sean, and so, in cors,left the door ajar.
"Welcome to Saint Cloud, Algy my boy!" says my lord, in a loud, heartyvoice. "You thought you would give us the slip, eh, you rogue? Butwe knew it, my dear fellow: we knew the whole affair--did we not, mysoul?--and you see, kept our secret better than you did yours."
"I must confess, sir," says Deuceace, bowing, "that I had no idea of thehappiness which awaited me in the shape of a mother-in-law."
"No, you dog; no, no," says my lord, giggling: "old birds, you know, notto be caught with chaff, like young ones. But here we are, all splicedand happy, at last. Sit down, Algernon; let us smoke a segar, and talkover the perils and adventures of the last month. My love," says mylord, turning to his lady, "you have no malice against poor Algernon, Itrust? Pray shake HIS HAND." (A grin.)
But my lady rose and said, "I have told Mr. Deuceace, that I neverwished to see him, or speak to him, more. I see no reason, now, tochange my opinion." And herewith she sailed out of the room, by the doorthrough which Kicksey had carried poor Mrs. Deuceace.
"Well, well," says my lord, as Lady Crabs swept by, "I was in hopes shehad forgiven you; but I know the whole story, and I must confess youused her cruelly ill. Two strings to your bow!--that was your game, wasit, you rogue?"
"Do you mean, my lord, that you know all that past between me and LadyGrif--Lady Crabs, before our quarrel?"
"Perfectly--you made love to her, and she was almost in love withyou; you jilted her for money, she got a man to shoot your hand off inrevenge: no more dice-boxes, now, Deuceace; no more sauter la coupe. Ican't think how the deuce you will manage to live without them."
"Your lordship is very kind; but I have given up play altogether," saysDeuceace, looking mighty black and uneasy.
"Oh, indeed! Benedick has turned a moral man, has he? This is better andbetter. Are you thinking of going into the church, Deuceace?"
"My lord, may I ask you to be a little more serious?"
"Serious! a quoi bon? I am serious--serious in my surprise that, whenyou might have had either of these women, you should have preferred thathideous wife of yours."
"May I ask you, in turn, how you came to be so little squeamish abouta wife, as to choose a woman who had just been making love to your ownson?" says Deuceace, growing fierce.
"How can you ask such a question? I owe forty thousand pounds--thereis an execution at Sizes Hall--every acre I have is in the hands ofmy creditors; and that's why I married her. Do you think there was anylove? Lady Crabs is a dev'lish fine woman, but she's not a fool--shemarried me for my coronet, and I married her for her money."
"Well, my lord, you need not ask me, I think, why I married thedaughter-in-law."
"Yes, but I DO, my dear boy. How the deuce are you to live? Dawkins'sfive thousand pounds won't last forever; and afterwards?"
"You don't mean, my lord--you don't--I mean, you can't-- D---!" says he,starting up, and losing all patience, "you don't dare to say that MissGriffin had not a fortune of ten thousand a year?"
My lord was rolling up, and wetting betwigst his lips, another segar; helookt up, after he had lighted it, and said quietly--
"Certainly, Miss Griffin had a fortune of ten thousand a year."
"Well, sir, and has she not got it now? Has she spent it in a week?"
"SHE HAS NOT GOT A SIX-PENCE NOW: SHE MARRIED WITHOUT HER MOTHER'SCONSENT!"
Deuceace sunk down in a chair; and I never see such a dreadful pictureof despair as there was in the face of that retchid man!--he writhed,and nasht his teeth, he tore open his coat, and wriggled madly the stumpof his left hand, until, fairly beat, he threw it over his livid paleface, and sinking backwards, fairly wept alowd.
Bah! it's a dreddfle thing to hear a man crying! his pashn torn up fromthe very roots of his heart, as it must be before it can git such avent. My lord, meanwhile, rolled his segar, lighted it, and went on.
"My dear boy, the girl has not a shilling. I wished to have left youalone in peace, with your four thousand pounds: you might have liveddecently upon it in Germany, where money is at 5 per cent, where yourduns would not find you, and a couple of hundred a year would have keptyou and your wife in comfort. But, you see, Lady Crabs would not listento it. You had injured her; and, after she had tried to kill you andfailed, she determined to ruin you, and succeeded. I must own to youthat I directed the arresting business, and put her up t
o buying yourprotested bills: she got them for a trifle, and as you have paid them,has made a good two thousand pounds by her bargain. It was a painfulthing to be sure, for a father to get his son arrested; but quevoulez-vous! I did not appear in the transaction: she would have youruined; and it was absolutely necessary that YOU should marry before Icould, so I pleaded your cause with Miss Griffin, and made you the happyman you are. You rogue, you rogue! you thought to match your old father,did you? But, never mind; lunch will be ready soon. In the meantime,have a segar, and drink a glass of Sauterne."
Deuceace, who had been listening to this speech, sprung up wildly.
"I'll not believe it," he said: "it's a lie, an infernal lie! forgedby you, you hoary villain, and by the murderess and strumpet you havemarried. I'll not believe it; show me the will. Matilda! Matilda!"shouted he, screaming hoarsely, and flinging open the door by which shehad gone out.
"Keep your temper, my boy. You ARE vexed, and I feel for you: but don'tuse such bad language: it is quite needless, believe me."
"Matilda!" shouted out Deuceace again; and the poor crooked thing cametrembling in, followed by Miss Kicksey.
"Is this true, woman?" says he, clutching hold of her hand.
"What, dear Algernon?" says she.
"What?" screams out Deuceace,--"what? Why that you are a beggar, formarrying without your mother's consent--that you basely lied to me, inorder to bring about this match--that you are a swindler, in conspiracywith that old fiend yonder and the she-devil his wife?"
"It is true," sobbed the poor woman, "that I have nothing; but--"
"Nothing but what? Why don't you speak, you drivelling fool?"
"I have nothing!--but you, dearest, have two thousand a year. Is thatnot enough for us? You love me for myself, don't you, Algernon? You havetold me so a thousand times--say so again, dear husband; and do not, donot be so unkind." And here she sank on her knees, and clung to him, andtried to catch his hand, and kiss it.
"How much did you say?" says my lord.
"Two thousand a year, sir; he has told us so a thousand times."
"TWO THOUSAND! Two thou--ho, ho, ho!--haw! haw! haw!" roars my lord."That is, I vow, the best thing I ever heard in my life. My dearcreature, he has not a shilling--not a single maravedi, by all the godsand goddesses." And this exlnt noblemin began laffin louder than ever: avery kind and feeling genlmn he was, as all must confess.
There was a paws: and Mrs. Deuceace didn begin cussing and swearing ather husband as he had done at her: she only said, "O Algernon! is thistrue?" and got up, and went to a chair and wep in quiet.
My lord opened the great box. "If you or your lawyers would like toexamine Sir George's will, it is quite at your service; you will seehere the proviso which I mentioned, that gives the entire fortune toLady Griffin--Lady Crabs that is: and here, my dear boy, you see thedanger of hasty conclusions. Her ladyship only showed you the FIRST PAGEOF THE WILL, of course; she wanted to try you. You thought you made agreat stroke in at once proposing to Miss Griffin--do not mind it, mylove, he really loves you now very sincerely!--when, in fact, youwould have done much better to have read the rest of the will. You werecompletely bitten, my boy--humbugged, bamboozled--ay, and by your oldfather, you dog. I told you I would, you know, when you refused to lendme a portion of your Dawkins money. I told you I would; and I DID. I hadyou the very next day. Let this be a lesson to you, Percy my boy; don'ttry your luck again against such old hands: look deuced well before youleap: audi alteram partem, my lad, which means, read both sides of thewill. I think lunch is ready; but I see you don't smoke. Shall we goin?"
"Stop, my lord," says Mr. Deuceace, very humble: "I shall not share yourhospitality--but--but you know my condition; I am penniless--you knowthe manner in which my wife has been brought up--"
"The Honorable Mrs. Deuceace, sir, shall always find a home here, as ifnothing had occurred to interrupt the friendship between her dear motherand herself."
"And for me, sir," says Deuceace, speaking faint, and very slow; "Ihope--I trust--I think, my lord, you will not forget me?"
"Forget you, sir; certainly not."
"And that you will make some provision--?"
"Algernon Deuceace," says my lord, getting up from the sophy, andlooking at him with sich a jolly malignity, as I never see, "I declare,before heaven, that I will not give you a penny!"
Hereupon my lord held out his hand to Mrs. Deuceace, and said, "My dear,will you join your mother and me? We shall always, as I said, have ahome for you."
"My lord," said the poar thing, dropping a curtsy, "my home is withHIM!"
. . . . . .
About three months after, when the season was beginning at Paris, andthe autumn leafs was on the ground, my lord, my lady, me and Mortimer,were taking a stroal in the Boddy Balong, the carridge driving on slowlyahead, and us as happy as possbill, admiring the pleasant woods and thegoldn sunset.
My lord was expayshating to my lady upon the exquizit beauty of thesean, and pouring forth a host of butifle and virtuous sentamentssootable to the hour. It was dalitefle to hear him. "Ah!" said he,"black must be the heart, my love, which does not feel the influenceof a scene like this; gathering as it were, from those sunlit skies,a portion of their celestial gold, and gaining somewhat of heaven witheach pure draught of this delicious air!"
Lady Crabs did not speak, but prest his arm and looked upwards. Mortimerand I, too, felt some of the infliwents of the sean, and lent on ourgoold sticks in silence. The carriage drew up close to us, and my lordand my lady sauntered slowly tords it.
Jest at the place was a bench, and on the bench sate a poorly drestwoman, and by her, leaning against a tree, was a man whom I thought I'dsean befor. He was drest in a shabby blew coat, with white seems andcopper buttons; a torn hat was on his head, and great quantaties ofmatted hair and whiskers disfiggared his countnints. He was not shaved,and as pale as stone.
My lord and lady didn tak the slightest notice of him, but past on tothe carridge. Me and Mortimer lickwise took OUR places. As we past, theman had got a grip of the woman's shoulder, who was holding down herhead sobbing bitterly.
No sooner were my lord and lady seated, than they both, with igstreamdellixy and good natur, burst into a ror of lafter, peal upon peal,whooping and screaching enough to frighten the evening silents.
DEUCEACE turned round. I see his face now--the face of a devvle of hell!Fust, he lookt towards the carridge, and pinted to it with his maimedarm; then he raised the other, AND STRUCK THE WOMAN BY HIS SIDE. Shefell, screaming.
Poor thing! Poor thing!