Blue

by Ford, Brynn

  I knew I shouldn’t have allowed him to touch me. I should’ve yanked my arm away, backed away from him, told him no. Or in his case, should’ve said the safeword to stop, Red. But I didn’t. I waited.

  “Your pulse is racing, Blue. Tell me why.”

  I wanted to portray indignation in my response, my only defense mechanism in this strange realm, “You can't demand answers from me. I’m not playing your game.”

  The reminder seemed to agitate him and he had to take a calming breath to reply, “Please, Blue, will you tell me why?”

  I softened at his attempt to placate me, but all I could do was shake my head and say, “No. I can't.”

  “What can you tell me?”

  I didn't want to say anything, I couldn’t. I just stood there, looking at him, shaking my head. Law turned his body to face me, still holding my wrist as he moved in front of me, blocking Ris from my view. I had no choice but to look at him. His voice lowered to a quiet rumble.

  “Are you bothered by what you've seen here?”

  “No,” I answered honestly.

  “Do you want to see more?”

  I paused but told him the truth, “Yes.”

  He stepped toward me, far too close. I could smell him, heady with musk and lust that forced a tightening low in my belly, though I didn't want to feel that in his presence.

  “Do you want to participate?”

  I gasped at the invitation, my mind swirling through answers and implications.

  Yes.

  No.

  I want to.

  I should go.

  Please, show me more, Sir.

  NO!

  My lungs suddenly fought for air, hesitating to fill with each inhale. I felt desperate to catch a decent breath, the sudden onslaught of confusion and panic caught me off-guard. My conflicted feelings were swiftly overwhelming me. In this moment it was too much for my despair ridden brain to process.

  It was the contradiction of physical and emotional that threw me.

  Lust and guilt.

  Desire and shame.

  Dampness growing between my legs while tears prickled behind my eyes.

  Law's concerned voice brought my attention to the simple fact that my breath had lost its rhythm and I was growing light headed as moments passed.

  “Blue, are you okay?”

  His hand slipped suddenly from my wrist to my elbow, cupping me firmly as if I needed him to balance me. I didn’t know what to say, didn't know what I should or shouldn't feel.

  I just knew I had to get the hell out of that room.

  Chapter 9

  Desi

  I pulled my arm from Law's grip with a jerk and spoke softly as I shook my head.

  "Not okay.”

  I turned and rushed for the exit. Instead of trying to fumble with the latch that held the velvet rope from one side of the doorframe to the other, I crouched carefully in my heels, and ducked beneath to get out. I heard a flurry of voices in the room behind me as I escaped down the hallway.

  From Ris, “Oh! Is she okay?”

  Then Asher, “Shit, that was fast.”

  Finally came Law's strong, calm, decisive voice, “I’m going after her. Angel’s all yours for now.”

  I felt rude for leaving the way I did, but I didn’t know what else to do. I just needed to get out of there. I went for the exit door I’d pointed out when we came in, feeling stupid for running away in the exact way I joked about before. I shoved at the push bar, swinging the door open wide. I let it fall shut behind me as I found myself outside in the cold air, surrounded by brick and mortar walls. I glanced around, spotting a narrow, dark staircase leading up to my right. It led out to the city street from the dimly lit recess where l stood.

  I wanted to take the stairs, to follow them out of this dark pit back into the street lights, but I’d suddenly become to exhausted to keep moving. The weight of my experiences that night was just too heavy.

  I reached down behind me, lifting each leg in turn to pull off my right shoe, then my left, before backing up against the wall beside me.

  I can’t go home in this dress.

  I can’t stay here.

  In my overstimulated exhaustion, I slumped, letting my body sag and slide down the wall until I sat on the concrete. The thin, silky fabric of my dress did little to protect me from the damp, coldness of the stone, sending a shiver right through my spine as soon as my bottom hit the ground. I pulled my knees up to my chest, gathering the fabric of my gown and bunching it to give me some freedom of movement.

  I should’ve cared that I was probably ruining the dress, but I couldn’t even think about it at the time. All I could think about was the heaviness on my chest, the guilt, the shame, the exhilaration, the lust.

  I don’t know what’s happening to me.

  I don’t know why I’m here.

  My hand landed with a thud on my heart as I let my eyes drift shut, trying to deepen my shallow breathes before they could force me into a panic. Overwhelming sadness rolled through my brain as I focused inward, fogging over my sensibility, making it hard to think, hard to speak, hard to move.

  “Oh, God. I hate this, I fucking hate this!”

  The lump of sorrow rose up from my gut, forcing its way painfully through my chest, causing my breath to catch before pushing its way up my throat. I tried to swallow, but I couldn’t, and it came rushing out in a powerful sob. In moments, I broke, literally falling apart into a sobbing mess as I heard the door swing open.

  I knew it was him.

  I knew it was Law.

  Through tears and gasps that I couldn’t even try to hide, somehow I managed to tell him, “I’m fine, just leave me alone.”

  “Fuck. Desi. You’re not fine,” he said and I felt him sit down beside me, his hip touching mine.

  I laid my arms across my knees and buried my face in them as every shade of sadness and fear tumbled out of me. I hardly felt Law’s arm curl around my shoulders, but my body acted on instinct, leaning into him for support I desperately needed.

  He held me in strong arms, comforting me, caring for me through this awful moment where the pain of my broken heart threatened to take control of over my body, mind, and soul.

  “You’re safe, Desi,” Law said quietly as I cried against his chest, “Just breathe. Feel my lungs rising and falling. Focus on that. Try to sync your breathing with mine.”

  I felt his hand slide up and down over my arm. It was a gentle touch, soothing, calming. The contact of skin against skin was jarring enough to help me focus.

  “This is just anxiety. The feeling will pass. Just listen to me, okay? I know how to help you, just focus on my breathing. Breathe with me. Just breathe.”

  Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe.

  The exact words I had thought when Lucy came into this world and they placed her in my arms. The exact cadence of thought that went through my mind when I was willing her to live, to breathe.

  Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe.

  “Oh, God,” I cried.

  A new wave of tears overcame me, pushing me deeper and deeper into my nightmare, my reality.

  Law’s voice was calm but firm, “Desi. I’ve got you and you’ve got this. Just hang on. It will pass.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut tight and trusted blindly, focusing on the soft concern of his voice, the strength he held me with, the gentle thud of his heartbeat against my ear.

  His consistent, steady breathing gradually took over, my lungs naturally falling into rhythm with his until they regulated. The panic, worry, guilt, fear, that overwhelming mix of contradictions slowly escaped me with each falling exhale.

  “That's it,” Law coaxed, “You've got this, you're okay.”

  His knuckles came up to graze my cheek, sending a peaceful flow through my body. The touch was friendly, welcome, a gentle petting that brought me back to the present and comforted me.

  As I continued to focus on my breathing, Law spoke, helping to bring me back to the present, “Focus on y
our five senses, Desi. It will help, I promise. Say it out loud. Tell me something you see.”

  I swallowed and gave it a shot, speaking quietly, imagining no one could hear me, “I see…your dark blue necktie.”

  Law broke my imaginary bubble of silence, “Good, what else? Tell me what you smell.

  “Musk. Mahogany,” I paused, “Sex.”

  His chest rose rapidly as he took in a sudden breath, “What do you hear?”

  “Your heartbeat. Your voice.”

  I didn’t wait for him to guide me, but continued on my own, “I taste salt and sweat in the air.”

  His fingers twitched, gripping me a little tighter, though not painfully.

  Law’s voice was whisper soft, “And what do you feel?”

  I spoke before I could hold it back, “Everything. Everything I could ever fucking feel.”

  There was a hesitation just before I heard his heartbeat quicken with my ear still on his chest, “Everything?” he asked.

  Yes, everything you think I feel, everything you want me to feel, I feel it.

  I sat up suddenly, forcing his arms to fall away from around me as I broke from his embrace. I had to go home to Vaughn before I did something stupid that I would regret forever.

  I slowly got to my feet as he did the same, “I need to go home.”

  He sounded disappointed, “Okay. Do you want me to call your husband to come get you? ”

  “No,” I said a little too emphatically.

  The word burst from my mouth on instinct.

  “No, no, Vaughn doesn’t know I’m here, he can’t know about this.”

  “Okay, I’ll get you a cab then.”

  “Yeah, okay. Thank you.”

  He looked sad and I felt guilty that I’d ruined his night, “Let’s go back in, let Asher and Ris know you’re okay, then I’ll take you upstairs so you can change.”

  I nodded and he turned toward the door, typing in a numerical code on the keypad lock, then another, before it unlocked. He held the door open for me as I wiped my eyes, certain I had mascara and eyeliner running down my cheeks. We stepped inside and we stopped briefly in front of the room I’d just run away from.

  I dared a glance inside as Law said a quick, “Everything’s fine.”

  Ris was struggling through the pain of being bound so tightly and I could hear her heavy breathing, even from the door. Even in my hot mess state, I couldn’t help myself, because I was still so in awe of that beautiful woman’s constant gracefulness.

  “You really do need a crown, Ris. You’re a queen. Asher, you should buy her a crown.”

  Ris spoke and I knew she wasn’t supposed to, flashing me a grin, “I hope we’ll be seeing you around here again, Blue. Ruined mascara looks good on you.”

  She gave me a quick wink and broadened her smile before Asher rounded on her, grabbing her by the throat, “Did I give you permission to speak?”

  Law led me away before I saw what happened next, but I heard skin slap against skin and a low moan just before we rounded the corner. I couldn’t help the sudden urge to go back in and watch the rest of the scene. But instead, I followed Law back through the Party Room, up the stairs, and out to the street, only stopping at the Transition Rooms briefly so I could change my clothes.

  Law had Justin Joe call a cab from the bar and we waited together on the sidewalk, standing near the wall to his building. We both leaned against it, side by side, waiting.

  He broke the silence first, “This stuff that we do here, it’s not for everyone. I hope you won’t let your reaction sully your opinion of me.”

  I didn’t know if he was trying to pretend he didn’t know the truth, or if he really didn’t know. In either case, I felt compelled to enlighten him.

  Turning my body to face him, I took in a breath of courage, “I hope my reaction won’t sully your opinion of me. Do you really think I reacted that way out of judgement or fear?”

  His brow furrowed and he turned sideways to face me, leaning his shoulder against the wall, “What? No. Of course not. It must have just been too much. It upset you and for that, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have surprised you with all this the way I did. I should’ve told you when we met for coffee what you were getting into. I’ve handled this all wrong.”

  I shook my head, “You have no idea how wrong you are right now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Law, I’m married. And I love my husband. He’s my everything, my future. I didn’t just marry him because I got pregnant.”

  “I know, I was never going to try anything with you –"

  I stopped him, holding up my palm, “I know. It’s not that. I just,” I sighed, looking down at my feet, struggling to bring the words to my mouth, “I liked it. What I saw. I really liked it.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. It just really freaked me out. It sent me into a tailspin I couldn’t get out of. I’ve been struggling a lot lately, panicking a lot lately,” I sighed, “I shouldn’t have come here. I lied to Vaughn. I told him I was going out with a friend. Obviously, he could never have guessed I meant this.”

  “I wasn’t exactly forthcoming with what we were doing this evening.”

  I agreed, “No, you weren’t,” I smiled and it pulled one from him, as well, “I’ve been really disconnected from Vaughn lately. I can’t really explain it, but we haven’t really been intimate in a while. When I think I’m feeling it, I get completely overwhelmed with guilt and have to stop.”

  “What kind of guilt?”

  “Ever since, well,” I stopped myself, “I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear all of this.”

  “Hey, stop that. Do you think I’m the kind of person to ask if I didn’t want to know? If I didn’t care, Desi Rhodes-Cooper, I wouldn’t still be standing here asking you about it. And I wouldn’t have bothered to learn your name, either,” he smiled and it was so disarming.

  “Okay, Jasper Haven, I get your point.”

  “So, continue.”

  “I feel guilty having fun, feeling happy, enjoying myself, wanting for anything. Since my baby died,” I swallowed, “It feels wrong to feel alive, it feels wrong to live.”

  He nodded, his eyes holding mine, “How did you feel in my arms? Did you feel alive?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “Let me rephrase,” he backtracked, “When you were feeling those overwhelming emotions while my arms happened to be around you, did you feel alive?”

  I tilted my head in consideration, “Too alive. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel that alive.”

  His brow furrowed, etched in anger and hurt that I couldn’t comprehend, and his voice snapped, “Don’t fucking say that. Some people don’t ever feel alive and that’s what ruins them. Your pain is a gift, you just have to learn how to harness it and turn it into something good.”

  “My pain isn’t a gift, Law. I lost everything.”

  He softened, “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. Fuck, you’re making me apologize a lot,” he grinned and ran a hand through his hair.

  “To new experiences?” I half-smiled.

  He tilted his head with a smirk, “To new experiences.”

  We were quiet for a moment but it wasn’t uncomfortable.

  “So I hear you saying that it upsets you. To feel alive. To feel excited. To feel anything at all other than your grief. Because if you feel those things, it’s some sort of betrayal to her memory.”

  I looked at him discerningly. He understood me. I let out a breath of relief that I had someone to talk to who got it, who could put my messed up emotions into words that I couldn’t find for myself.

  “Yes.”

  He paused, then leaned forward slightly to make sure he caught my eye contact, “You know that’s ridiculously irrational, right?”

  He smiled so broadly it threatened to bring me to my knees. He really was an alarmingly stunning man and it scared the shit out of me.

  I nodded, “I know that. But it doesn’t change the feelings.”
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  “It takes time. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  I felt compelled to be bold, to admit the truth that scared me, “I want to feel what Ris was feeling.”

  He looked surprised, “You do?”

  “I do. Maybe it’s stupid, but,” I hesitated, then continued with confident resolve, “Maybe the pain would feel like punishment enough for the reward.”

  “What reward?”

  “Peace.”

  He sucked in a breath, “I can help you with that, Blue.”

  Sudden tension wrapped a cord around us both, creating a gravitational pull between our bodies that threatened to wrench us together.

  I shifted my weight backward, pulling against the invisible binding, “How?”

  “We can do this together, what you saw me do with Ris.”

  The mere offer sent a chill down my spine. The thought of allowing him to put his hands on me, on my breasts, to bind me, hurt me, tease me, it was vexing. He was asking me to cheat on Vaughn with him.

  But it also set my skin on fire in wanting.

  Fuck.

  “No, I’m not going to cheat on Vaughn.”

  “Who said anything about cheating?”

  “You want me to take off my bra for you? Let you see me naked? Touch me? You don’t consider that cheating?”

  “I didn’t mean that. There are a lot of ways to do this, Blue. It doesn’t have to be sexual.”

  “Oh.”

  This doesn’t make any sense.

  A yellow cab pulled up to the curb and the cord pulling us together snapped.

  He pushed off the wall, “I want to talk more about this. Promise you won’t block my number?”

  I smiled, joking with him, “I make no such promises, Sir.”

  I hadn’t meant sir in the way he was used to hearing it. But I saw the immediate effect it had on him. He didn’t hide it, nor did he deny it.

  “Be careful with your formalities around me, Blue. You might get more than you were asking for.”

  I need to get the hell out of here.

  He pulled the backdoor open for me and cupped my elbow before I got in. He leaned forward to kiss my cheek.

  “Good night, Blue.”

  “Good night,” I replied as I climbed in and pulled the door shut between us.