Scot on the Rocks

by Catriona McPherson

  At that moment, Todd and Kathi emerged, like a cuckoo clock couple, from their two separate doors.

  ‘Ready to rock and roll?’ said Todd, holding out his key fob and chirping open Roger’s jeep. ‘Well, pack. Early getaway in the morning if we do it now.’

  ‘Change of plan,’ I said. ‘We’ve been overtaken by events. In other news, I’m an idiot.’

  At that moment, Noleen stuck her head out of the office door. ‘Number three!’ she called over. ‘Some chainsawed African-American chick in Dog Patch, Oregon just lost her nose, like that blackbird-pie deal. This world keeps getting sicker.’

  TEN

  When we were ensconced in my living room with the wood stove lit and a pot of tea for one sitting on top of it for me to enjoy while those weirdos drank hot cider that they stirred with cinnamon sticks, I broke the news.

  ‘And I truly do not know what to do,’ I said. ‘Search for him, tell the cops, tell Bran … What will I do?’

  ‘He was OK until you asked if he was eighteen?’ said Todd.

  ‘And then he took off like a bat out of hell,’ I said. ‘He was going to tell me why Brandeee sent him away to school, and he thought I’d understand because he thought Trinity was a polyamorous threesome instead of a business partnership, and so I wouldn’t judge him.’

  ‘So the kid’s gay,’ Noleen said. ‘Is Idaho a state where you can still sign your kids up for conversion?’

  ‘But Brandeee wouldn’t do that,’ I said. ‘Bran, for all his faults, wouldn’t let that happen.’

  I waited through a long, tense moment to see if they would close ranks and shoot me down, and it was when we were all sitting there in silence that Roger appeared. He was still in his scrubs, and if there is anything sexier than a hunk of paediatrician who dresses in Elsa-from-Frozen scrubs to put his little patients at ease, then I don’t think I could handle hearing about it.

  ‘Sup?’ he said, kissing Todd and throwing himself down into one of my couches, with enough surrender to his exhaustion to make the boat rock back and forth a few times.

  ‘Where do we start?’ I said.

  ‘At the end,’ said Todd. ‘You’re right. Bran Lancer is not a toxic ’phobe.’

  ‘No, he’s not,’ Roger said. ‘He’s a regular clueless faux-woke Cuento ally. Why?’

  ‘How do you know that?’ I said. As far as I knew, Roger and Bran lived in separate worlds, with no overlap.

  ‘Because I’m a paediatrician and kids get their wisdom teeth taken out,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mention him – because you’re my friend – but it’s a small town.’

  ‘And I do his dry cleaning,’ Kathi said. ‘Every Monday. I didn’t want to tell you that either. Sorry, Lexy.’

  ‘How about you two?’ I said, glaring at Todd and Noleen. ‘Golf buddies?’

  ‘Why are we talking about your ex-husband?’ Roger said. ‘He hasn’t asked you to go back, has he?’

  ‘His wife’s been kidnapped,’ I said. ‘Maybe. His wife’s gone anyway. And we’re looking for her. But her kid’s run away from some sick conversion compound in Iowa.’

  ‘Idaho!’ If they had harmonized just a bit better, they’d have been a bona fide chorus.

  ‘Jeez, stop nitpicking,’ I said. ‘And he came here to ask me for help but now he’s run away.’

  ‘It’s illegal in Idaho,’ Roger said. It really was useful to have a children’s healthcare professional on tap. ‘Can you find out who his friends in town are? He’ll probably go there.’

  ‘How weird was it that Bran wanted us to go and tell the kid his mom was missing?’ said Todd. He waited. ‘That wasn’t rhetorical, Roger. I’m actually asking. How weird is it for step-parents to get professionals to break bad news to kids?’

  ‘Not that weird,’ Roger said. ‘I’ve done it. Not every day, but I’ve done it.’

  ‘And how do we find out who his friends are?’ I said. ‘You didn’t see the state he was in, Roger. I really want to find him.’

  ‘And I think we should still go,’ Todd said. ‘Not’ – he interrupted Kathi interrupting him – ‘because I look cute in my down vest, which I do, but because of the belly button.’

  ‘We’re not going to find out any more than we can about the toe bandits,’ said Noleen. ‘We’ve got film of them. We need to forget the belly button that made the kid run and start thinking about where he ran to. Aha!’

  ‘What?’ Kathi said.

  ‘We’ve got Brandee’s social-media passwords, right, Todd?’

  Todd had brought the folder with him and he started leafing through it now.

  ‘So can we get in and see what other parents she messages, and all that?’

  ‘Brilliant!’ Todd said. ‘Here you go. Cuento Concerned Moms. Class of 2020 parent information loop. Yep, we should be able to track down some of Blaike’s friends this way, and they’ll be able to point us to others. We’ll find him.’

  ‘Or,’ said Kathi, ‘we tell Bran he’s back and leave it up to him to find his own kid.’

  ‘Depends why they sent him there,’ I said. ‘Maybe he’s better off away from them.’

  ‘Oh,’ Todd said, staring down at a piece of paper he had just turned over in the file. ‘We don’t need to go to Idaho to find out.’

  ‘Why?’ I said.

  ‘Ethical conundrum,’ he said. ‘Hmmmmmm.’

  ‘Todd!’ I said. ‘You can be very annoying.’

  ‘Only when he’s awake,’ said Roger. ‘What are you looking at, hon?’

  ‘I am looking at the answers to the security questions for White Pine Academy. It says here no discussions will take place between academy faculty and parents without these security questions being answered in full.’

  ‘Fantastic!’ I said. ‘One of you two can phone up and pretend to be Bran.’

  ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,’ said Roger. ‘Nuh-uh. Not me. Todd, you’re up.’

  ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘Way to slither out of stuff.’

  ‘I’m not on the staff of Trinity Solutions,’ said Roger. ‘Also – newsflash – I’m Black.’

  ‘It’s a phone,’ I said. ‘We’re not Skyping.’

  All four of them looked at me as if I had asked what to eat at a ballgame.

  ‘I sound blacker than Dr King’s mailman!’ said Roger. Someone snorted.

  ‘What does that even mean?’ I said. ‘Why are you laughing?’

  ‘Lexy,’ said Noleen. ‘Are you telling me you can’t tell if a person is Black unless you’re looking at them?’

  ‘Are you telling me you can?’ I said. ‘Seriously? What the hell? What are we going to do, then? Todd’s Latino and Devin’s too young.’

  ‘What do you mean, “Todd’s Latino”?’ Todd said, the smile snapping off his face. ‘Are you telling me you think brown people sound brown? Jesus, Lexy!’

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘Don’t they? I mean, you? How the hell am I supposed to know this stuff if no one ever tells me?’

  ‘You got one thing right,’ said Noleen. ‘Devin sounds like a skateboard come to life. No way like a dentist.’

  ‘So either you or Kathi is going to have to pretend to be Brandeee, then,’ I said.

  ‘Brandee,’ said Noleen, with exaggerated patience, ‘is missing.’

  ‘But no one,’ I said, with just as much, ‘knows that, up at Whackjob Acres. We were supposed to be telling them, remember? And slap ma erse wi’ a Loch Ness monster, I cannae dae it! You want to cut cards or pull straws?’

  ‘This has got to be illegal, right?’ Kathi said, when she had stopped arguing. She was sitting in my armchair, with a glass of water at her side and the sheet of security questions and answers in her lap.

  ‘Definitely,’ said Todd. ‘Get dialling.’

  The phone was on speaker and so we all heard the ring, then the jaunty female voice announcing that we had reached ‘White Pine Residential Academy, the way home!’

  ‘Sick!’ said Noleen. We shushed her, as the jaunty voice led us through the menu. We did not know our
party’s extension and Kathi began to look panicked as the options stacked up: Huckleberry House, Bluebird House, Garnet House, Syringa House …

  ‘Syringa House?’ said Noleen. ‘They trolling these kids?’ We shushed her again.

  … Academics, Administration, Pastoral, Housekeeping, Grounds … And then they started on the coaches. White Pine Academy was pretty sporty, it transpired.

  ‘Pastoral,’ said Roger. ‘Try there.’

  Kathi took a deep breath and keyed in the extension.

  ‘He-lope!’ came a voice. ‘Pastor Dave, here. How can I help you?’

  ‘Hi,’ said Kathi, using a breathy little voice, like Marilyn Monroe singing ‘Happy Birthday’. ‘It’s Brandee Kowalski-Lancer here. Blaike’s mom?’

  ‘Well, hey, Mizz Lancer!’ said Pastor Dave. There was a great deal of fluffy rustling at the other end of the phone. ‘I’m just gonna go ahead and put you straight through to the principal. You have yourself a blessed day now, you hear me?’

  And the line went dead.

  ‘Blimey,’ said Todd, who had taken up British exclamations purely to annoy me in the first instance and now found himself unable to ditch them. It was adding to our kitty wonderfully. I held out my hand and he slapped a ten in it.

  ‘That was a lot of panic,’ said Roger.

  ‘For a pastor,’ said Noleen.

  ‘And he didn’t run through security,’ I said.

  Kathi was already dialling again. ‘Administration,’ she said, ‘if I’m going to get kicked up to the boss’s office anyway.’

  The jaunty voice started in on the menu again, but Kathi cut her off.

  ‘Captain Rossoff’s office,’ said a slightly less jaunty real-life version of what I was sure was the same voice. ‘How can I help you?’

  ‘Hello, dear,’ said Kathi. I couldn’t help reacting to that – surely Brandeee didn’t ‘dear’ people? – but Kathi gave me the finger and she had a point. If this woman had been in post long enough to have recorded the outgoing phone message, Brandeee should know her. And know her name. Which she didn’t. So she couldn’t use it. I gave Kathi a thumbs up.

  ‘Who am I speaking to?’ said Jaunty Voice, only she was less jaunty again. She sounded nervous.

  ‘This is Brandee Lancer,’ Kathi said. ‘Blaike’s mom?’

  ‘Oh,’ said the least jaunty voice I had ever heard in my life, including at funerals. ‘Hello, Mizz Lancer. What can I do for you?’

  ‘I was hoping to speak to the principal,’ Kathi said.

  ‘Oh!’ Jauntiness recovered slightly. ‘Certainly, I can put you right through.’

  There was a short period of silence and then a gruff, booming voice came down the line: ‘Rossoff’s office.’ He sounded exactly like that little dog who was trained to say ‘sausages’ that time. I had to bite my lip not to giggle.

  ‘Captain!’ Kathi purred, making it even harder not to laugh. Did she really think straight women approached every call like they worked on a chatline?

  ‘Brandee,’ he said. ‘How are you? How are things down there in la-la land? What can I do for you?’

  ‘Well,’ Kathi said, ‘you can run through the security questions. No one did that yet.’

  There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. Had she blown it? Did no one ever actually do the security check? The principal cleared his throat at last and said, ‘Of course, of course. So this isn’t a social call? That’s a shame.’ He was lying. He sounded relieved. ‘I enjoy my little chats with parents when they call to talk to their boys.’

  Now there was a pause at our end. ‘Well, I’m not calling to talk to Blaike,’ said Kathi. ‘Obv—’

  He cut her off. ‘Good! That’s good, because I was going to have to tell you, you couldn’t.’

  ‘I kn—’

  ‘He’s in detention. Nothing serious. Just a little infraction of a pretty minor rule, but he’s not taking calls right now.’

  ‘He’s … in detention?’ Kathi said.

  ‘He’s caulking boats for Coach Roach,’ the principal said. ‘I’m looking at him right now. He’s putting his back into it. You got a boy to be proud of, there, Brandee.’

  ‘He’s outside caulking boats in Idaho in February?’ said Kathi. She had let the sex-kitten voice slip a bit and I was sure the ensuing pause was the penny dropping.

  But no. It was Captain Rossoff thinking on his feet, and he wasn’t a twinkletoes. ‘Noooooo!’ he said at last, with a kind of desperate bonhomie. ‘Ho, ho, ho! He’s in a nice warm boathouse. I’m looking at him on the live feed. I like to keep a close eye on things, as you know. It’s part of what made you choose White Pine. So … what is it you wanted to discuss with me?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Kathi. Then she paused. ‘Oh! No! Gotta go! My dog’s about to puke on the hardwood.’ And she hung up the call.

  ‘What a great way to get off the phone,’ I said. ‘I’m going to remember that and use it on my mum.’

  ‘You’d have to buy a puppy if she decides to visit,’ Noleen pointed out.

  ‘Worth it,’ I said. ‘Anyway …’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Roger, sounding grim. He cut no slack when it came to kids being safe. He never spoke about work much but I always assumed he’d seen some things.

  ‘White Belly Academy are hiding the fact that Blaike ran away,’ said Noleen. ‘Kinda puts our little game into the shade, huh?’

  ‘You think they’re scouring the woods with tracker dogs and praying they find him before they have to come clean?’ Kathi said.

  No one answered her specific question. But after a long quiet spell, Todd said, ‘What the hell’s going on?’

  Operation Find Blaike was going on, that’s what was going on. Kathi reprised her blonde-bombshell-cum-soccer-mom routine for every contact number she could glean from the chat boards. She got pretty good at it too. ‘Hi there!’ she’d breathe. ‘It’s Brandee. Brandee Lancer? I’m calling for news to take up to Blaike when we go visit. Anything happening I can tell him?’

  If the kid had been holed up in the den of any of these houses, surely the mum would have said. Or if she’d been trying not to say, surely she’d have sounded awkward or jumpy. None of them did. They all sounded kind and concerned in exactly the smug sort of way you would sound if the mother of a boy who’d been packed off to boot camp rang you up and asked how your angel (in comparison) was doing.

  ‘So either he didn’t go to a friend,’ said Todd, ‘or he didn’t go to a friend whose parents are in the parenting loop, or he’s being hidden from the parents by a friend.’

  ‘Or he went home,’ said Noleen.

  I shook my head. ‘He ran off like a rabbit at the idea that I would tell Bran he was here,’ I said. ‘He didn’t go home.’

  ‘White Pine?’ said Kathi. ‘Maybe he ran back. Hey! Maybe the reason they’re hiding him running away is it’s not the first time!’

  ‘Maybe,’ said Roger. ‘But until he turns up there for real what we’ve got is a homeless kid, outside in winter, with a rainstorm forecast. We gotta find him. We gotta either find him or tell Bran and the cops, and they’ll find him. Hell, maybe we gotta just tell the cops right now.’

  ‘Or maybe,’ said Noleen, ‘we could call in our resident expert first. Huh? How long was Devin homeless before he came here?’

  ‘Long enough to know some good spots we can check,’ said Roger. ‘Call and get him in here.’

  In the time it had taken us to have our meeting, Della had finished with her lawyer, Devin had finished with his textbook, and Diego had wrapped his curly little head around the fact that someone was DATING HIS MOMMY. They all came when we texted Devin, and my heart melted to see that he was carrying a sleepy Diego in pyjamas.

  ‘Huh,’ he said, pointing at Roger. ‘Are you a girl doctor?’ He didn’t think much of the Frozen scrubs, it seemed.

  ‘I’m wearing Batman tomorrow,’ said Roger. ‘Girls and boys love him and they love Elsa too. Who’s that on your PJs?’

  ‘Pikachu,’ sa
id Diego, with a look of blistering pity for anyone sad enough not to know facts of such cultural significance.

  ‘So, Devin,’ I said, when he was settled in on the hearthrug, with Diego curled up inside his crossed legs. When did I stop sitting on the floor when there was a choice? I’d be taking a deckchair to the beach next, or eating fish and chips with a fork. ‘You know, after you left the dorm, before you got here?’

  ‘Yeah?’ said Devin, with a wary look at Della.

  ‘Estúpido!’ said Della. ‘If I was a gold-digger, I would be the worst gold-digger in the world.’

  ‘Where did you sleep?’ said Todd. ‘We’re looking for someone who knows Cuento but can’t go home. Any ideas where we could start searching?’

  ‘Seriously?’ said Devin. ‘I don’t often get to be the one who says you people have no idea how lucky you are. You seriously don’t know where to go in Cuento when you’ve nowhere to go?’

  ‘I came here,’ I said, thinking back to the night I left Bran, when I had forty dollars in my wallet and was willing to wash motel dishes to get a bed for the night.

  ‘None taken,’ said Noleen, who, if she wanted people to think she was running the Four Seasons, shouldn’t advertise bug nets on her roadside sign.

  ‘I came here too,’ said Todd. ‘And it was the luckiest move of my life. Best decision I ever made since my wedding day.’

  Roger was staring straight ahead, clearly thinking quite a few thoughts about the fact that he lived in a motel room, but not letting any of them show on his face.

  ‘Me too,’ said Della, which counted as gushing. I’m sure Noleen got a tear in her eye.

  ‘If it’s a person who knows the town …’ Devin said.

  ‘He went to Tony Coelho Elementary and then Cuento High,’ I said.

  ‘No doubt about it then,’ said Devin. ‘You need to climb the trees.’

  ELEVEN

  I knew about the Cuento Treetops, obviously. They were one of the things the town was famous for, along with … They were the thing the town was famous for. Next to the UCC campus, a small area of Monterey pines had been taken over in the heady days of the seventies counterculture and filled with tree houses. Students still lived there, climbing rope ladders to get home, bathing in solar-heated gravity showers and pissing off city planning officials and university modernizers alike with their composting toilets, their grey-water gardens and their general commitment to doing absolutely no harm to anyone at all, while not saying a word of complaint about the plasticky entitlements embraced by those of us with trashier lives. I could see why they annoyed everyone.