Tortured Souls (Rebels of Sandland Book 2)

by Nikki J Summers

  I went in, flicking the kettle on as I walked past it, and grabbed some mugs out of the cupboards. You see, Ryan’s house was like my own. In fact, growing up I felt more at home here than I did at my nan’s.

  “You want a coffee?” I asked him as he sat at his kitchen table, eyeing me with suspicion.

  “Yeah. There’s some of those latte things that Emily likes in the cupboard too. Maybe make her one while you’re at it?”

  I opened the cupboard again, grabbing the box but not having the first clue what I was doing with them. I took a coffee pod out and went to tear open the lid, only to hear Emily shout out, “Not like that. You’ve gotta put it in the machine first.”

  I turned to watch her take it out of my hands and then give me a smile. There was a new coffee machine on the side that hadn’t been there the last time I’d visited. Emily got to work setting it up and making her own drink. I just stood there, staring, feeling like a complete fool. It seemed to be a running theme for me.

  “Sorry. I’m shit at making hot drinks.” I shrugged.

  “It’s okay.” Her smile grew wide and it still lit up the room, but it didn’t make me feel the way it used to.

  Emily’s smiles used to give me a warm feeling inside. Now… not so much. I mean, she was still nice to look at, but she was my best friend’s girlfriend. Watching her stir her coffee while he looked across the room at her like the sun shone out of her ass made me realise that me and her would never have worked. She was always Ryan’s girl.

  Ryan must’ve mistaken my staring for something else because he cleared his throat, and in an irritated tone, he snapped, “What do you want, Brandon?”

  “I’m lost, mate.” I never had any filter when it came to the lads. I always said it like it was. “I fucked up and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next.”

  “Brandon, you’ve fucked up so many times I’m surprised you even notice the difference these days,” he said, and Emily tutted at him.

  “Ryan! Brandon’s come here for help. I don’t think he needs to hear that.”

  “Whatever.” Ryan rolled his eyes and then he leant back in his seat. “Come on then. What’s happened this time?”

  He motioned for me to sit down, and so I did.

  “Em, babe. Give us a few minutes, yeah?” he said, dismissing Emily. But I didn’t want her to go. I figured she’d have just as good an insight into what I should do as Ryan would.

  “She can stay,” I told him.

  “You sure?” He looked at Emily as he said it. I think he was worried about how she’d feel staying in here with me.

  “I think Em might give better advice than you, mate,” I said to justify her presence at the table.

  He laughed and Emily smirked as she sat in the chair next to him.

  “Come on then, big man. Give it to us,” she said.

  I took a sip of my coffee and then hung my head as I let it all spill out. I told them about watching Harper, the flowers, the messages. I told them everything; the online persona I’d used to get closer to her and how I’d followed her to Lockwood’s house. I didn’t want to look up and see the pity in their eyes, so I kept my focus on my coffee and gave them every last sordid detail of what had happened after I ran Lockwood off. I told them what Harper had said and how I didn’t know what I should do next but staying away was not an option for me. I wasn’t a quitter.

  “It isn’t about being a quitter,” Emily chipped in. “Giving her space isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

  “Mate, I told you she was off fucking limits.” Ryan rested his elbows on the table and scrubbed his hands over his face, sighing. “Why did you do that? Don’t you think she’s been through enough? Just leave her the fuck alone.”

  “I couldn’t! I can’t!” I argued back. “I needed to make it right.”

  “You can’t make it right. It’ll never be right,” Ryan shouted, but Emily reached out and rubbed his arm to calm him down. At that moment, I was ready to stand up and walk out. I didn’t like the answers he was giving me. He wasn’t seeing things the way I was.

  “You made it right with Emily,” I argued. “And look what we did to her dad.”

  “He was a crook and he deserved to go down for what he did. And yes, Brodie was a bully growing up. But everything that’s happened since, that’s something you’ve got to walk away from.”

  “Not gonna happen.” I could feel my temper rising again.

  He went to speak, but Emily butted in.

  “Could you give me and Brandon five minutes alone?”

  Ryan’s eyes widened and he stuttered over his response.

  “Why?”

  “Because I want to talk to him. Do I need to say anything more than that?” She gave him a look and he grimaced and then stood up.

  “Fine. I’ll be in the next room if you need me.” He kissed the top of her head and gave me a threatening glare in warning. I glared back. Did he really think I was still a threat?

  Emily watched him leave, and once the kitchen door closed, she turned to me and sighed.

  “First off, I need to give you an apology,” she said, and I frowned at her. “The way I spoke to you that night, what I said, it was mean and unkind. I’m so sorry. I should’ve taken your feelings into account and I didn’t.”

  I suddenly felt embarrassed that she was bringing this up again. The fact that I’d told my best friend’s girlfriend I loved her all those months ago made me want to kick my own ass. What kind of friend does that?

  “You had a lot going on that night. I can see that now.” This wasn’t what I’d expected her to talk about, and I wasn’t sure how comfortable I was dredging it all back up.

  “I know. I think my head was so screwed up that I forgot my manners. I didn’t mean the things I said.”

  “I’m sure you meant some of them.” I smirked.

  “You’re a good guy, Brandon. You deserve to hear that. You’re a little intense sometimes, but that’s just you. It’s who you are. If I ever made you feel worthless, then I’m truly sorry.” And she was. I could see it in her eyes.

  “Em, I should say sorry too. I messed up with us. I said shit about Ry too to try and break you up. It was all so fucked up that night. He’s always loved you. I loved you too, but now-”

  “But now, you realise you aren’t in love with me, and there’s a big difference. I think if you’re really honest with yourself, you were in love with the idea of me. But I was never the right girl for you. And I think you know that because you’ve met the one now, haven’t you?”

  I nodded and stayed quiet.

  “Brandon?” She reached over and put her hand over mine. “I’m saying this from a place of love, so please don’t go off on one, but you do act like a bull in a china shop over most things. You have the kind of intensity that can sometimes be intimidating. You never take no for an answer. You’re head strong to the point of insanity, and you’ve always done whatever the hell you want. And that’s been fine, for now. Most of us didn’t call you out on it, and those that did, you just shot them down.”

  I laughed at her honesty.

  “What happened to the apology I just had? Feels like you’re pissing all over that now, Winters.”

  She couldn’t hold back her own chuckle. “I like that you’re calling me Winters again. Kinda feels like old times.”

  We both smiled, and I decided to do what Harper had told me I never do; I listened.

  “With Harper, you need to do things differently. She isn’t like the other girls you’ve been around. She’s tough, but she has a vulnerability at the moment that you need to respect. She’s confused, about a lot of things. Her life has changed immeasurably in the last few months. I know what it’s like to lose a brother. It’s devastating. But to lose a twin? That’s the next level of heartache.”

  “She didn’t know him as well as she thinks she did,” I said, with the images of the Brodie I remembered swimming around in my consciousness.

  “Do any of us ever know anyo
ne? At the end of the day, he was her twin brother. He died and she’s heartbroken. Now, she’s trying to find her way back. She has to figure this out on her own, Brandon. You can’t do it for her. I’ve been to visit her. I’ve chatted with her about it all, and I think, deep down, she knows it was a tragic accident, but she has to come to that conclusion in her own time. You can’t force it. Nothing you say or do will make it happen. You have to give her space. Time is a great healer and if you can give her that, and it’s meant to be, she will come to you.”

  A great speech, but I still wasn’t convinced.

  “She won’t. She hates me.”

  “She hates what happened. She doesn’t know you, Brandon. Not like we do.”

  “I don’t think I can stay away.” I told her because what was the point in lying? I was here because I needed help.

  “I know it’s not in your nature to take a back seat, and trust me, I’ll go and see her, put in a good word for you. But you have no choice here. You have to let her find her own way.”

  I trusted Emily, and if she was going to see Harper, and talk to her, then I guessed that was better than nothing. I still wasn’t sure I could be totally silent though.

  “You’re really good at this, aren’t you? You should consider a career in counselling. I think I’d keep you busy for years if you took me on. I’d probably help to get yours and Ryan’s kids through college too with my fees.”

  “But I’d never charge you. We’re friends. It’s what friends do. Listen, concentrate on your fight this weekend. Put all your energy into that. I know you’re good at channelling your demons into your boxing, so do it now. Give Harper space; she needs it. And if you need to vent, come to me. Sometimes, another woman’s perspective helps. Ryan is too similar to you. You both have cavemen instincts when it comes to your women.”

  “Nothing wrong with a caveman,” I said, sitting taller.

  “No, there isn’t. But clubbing her over the head and dragging her back to your cave isn’t going to work with this one. You need to play smarter.”

  “Smarter, huh? I guess I can try that.”

  There’s always a first time for everything.

  We heard Ryan shuffling about impatiently in the living room. He obviously didn’t like being away from her for too long, or didn’t like me being close to her. So, we both stood up at the same time and then Emily wrapped her arms around me. My second hug of the day and it was another genuine one. But hugging her back, I realised everything she’d said was true. My body didn’t react to her in the same way it did with Harper. I wasn’t in love with Emily Winters. My heart and mind belonged to a girl who couldn’t stand the sight of me.

  My little warrior.

  I just prayed that eventually she’d see what I saw. That we’d been brought together by the worst thing imaginable, but things happened for a reason, and maybe she was mine. Maybe she was my reason to try to be better in this world.

  That’s if she’d have me.

  I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I was tired. Exhausted from carrying around so much anger, guilt, frustration and grief. Like a broken record playing on repeat, I could hear Brandon’s voice in my head, chipping away at my walls.

  It was an accident.

  I didn’t want it to happen.

  I didn’t want any of this.

  I didn’t want it either, but it’d happened and now I had to find some way to deal with it before it totally destroyed me.

  I’d never read any of the reports on the fight. I hadn’t looked at the newspapers, or the stories online. I hadn’t even read the police report or anything from the hospital. I couldn’t face it before. But I realised that I was a hypocrite. I’d accused Brandon of not listening, but I was refusing to listen too. I didn’t want to hear what the doctors, the police or my own parents were telling me. Maybe now it was time to open myself up and face the reality of Brodie’s death.

  I found the folder my Dad kept hidden in our sideboard in the kitchen diner, filled with every piece of information he’d gathered about that night, and I took it up to my room. Then I sat down, and I read every single thing I found in there. It wasn’t easy to read, and as I delved deeper into the facts, I became angry.

  Doesn’t Brodie get to take some of the responsibility too?

  I thought about what Brandon had said, and I felt my chest ache with the realisation that Brodie was to blame as well. He’d put himself at risk. He’d ignored me when I begged him not to fight and did it anyway. He was as focused on winning as Brandon was.

  Only Brodie wasn’t well, was he?

  He’d hidden that from all of us, and it made me angry. Why hadn’t he told me? Why had he gone ahead with it knowing he wasn’t at his best? In all his bravado, he hadn’t ever put us first. He hadn’t thought about what it’d be like for us to live a life without him. He hadn’t taken care of himself. His pride had trumped everything else, even me.

  I placed the documents back into the folder and opened my laptop, ready to do some research of my own. A subarachnoid haemorrhage was what the doctors called it. Looking at all the articles online, I realised that Brodie’s chances of surviving something like that would’ve been slim. If he had survived, his life would never have been the same. I didn’t even want to picture what that would’ve meant for him, but I knew it wasn’t pretty. I also knew Brodie wouldn’t have wanted to live like that.

  My heart felt heavy as I trawled through websites to try and get my head around it all. My whole body was shaking, but finding out about it, seeing it in plain English, written in black and white, that was something I’d had to do. I needed this to help me move on and begin to accept what I couldn’t change.

  The more I read, the more mixed up and helpless I felt, and I realised I wanted to reach out to someone. I needed help. I missed the Legion I knew before I realised who he was.

  I tried to save you.

  Did he really believe that? Did he honestly think that watching me had been a way to help? I couldn’t work out what had been going through his mind, and in all truth, I don’t think he did either. He was as mixed up about all this as I was.

  I’m not the devil you’ve been painting me out to be.

  I’d always said the devil appears in many forms. Legion himself admitted he was plagued by demons. Then it hit me. His demons had taken hold the day his mum left him. They’d magnified when he was abused and bullied to the point of being brutally scarred. And those scars? They were real, and I couldn’t bury my head in the sand anymore.

  I knew Jensen had bullied kids in school, but he’d always taken a particular dislike to Brandon. My brother had followed Jensen like a damn puppy dog, and in those years, I’d been the annoying sister he’d wanted to ditch at every opportunity. He’d even got Mum and Dad to move me into a different class so he could be free. I covered my mouth and held in the sob I felt rise up in my throat. Those initials that’d been carved on Brandon were the work of Jensen and my brother. I couldn’t hide from that anymore. And it was no wonder Brandon hated them like he did. They were the reason he was the way he was.

  I took a few deep breaths. Trying to come to terms with the fact that my brother wasn’t perfect was tough. He was my twin. I was supposed to know everything. But I realised I didn’t. Or maybe I’d had a clue and I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. If that was the case, then I was guilty too. Guilty for letting that abuse go on for all those years when I could’ve stopped it. In my eyes, that made me as fucked-up as Brandon. He had his demons and so did I. But at least he owned them. Me? I was in denial.

  Well, not anymore.

  I still felt unbearable grief. I probably always would. I loved my brother, and whatever he’d done in the past wouldn’t change that. But I had to find a way to move forward with my life. To actually live my life. I couldn’t stand these chains anymore. I needed to feel free.

  I couldn’t stop myself from clicking onto the website and heading to the chatroom. I tried to convince myself that I needed to hear another stu
pid story from Fucking Alan to lighten my mood, or maybe have a heart-to-heart with Emo Girl to try to make sense of everything and possibly feel like I wasn’t alone. But who was I kidding? I knew what I really wanted. I wanted to see if he’d been on there. In some cruel, twisted way, I needed to have that connection with him.

  LadyStoneheart23 has joined the chat

  I could see a few familiar names on the main chatroom, but that wasn’t what drew me in. It was the private message waiting for me at the bottom of the screen from the sender, Legion.

  My hand was shaking as the mouse hovered over it. I knew I’d open it, there was never any doubt about that, but I still had to brace myself for whatever lay behind that one click. Then, I took the leap of faith and I opened the message.

  Legion – Harper,

  I know I said I would give you space, but let’s be honest here… When have I ever done anything I’m told to do?

  I know I shouldn’t be contacting you on here. You probably won’t even see this anyway. You’ll take one look at my name and delete this, but whatever. I need to get this off my chest. I’m not the kind of man to shut up and take all the crap that’s being thrown his way. I did that for years and now… I can’t do it. I have to be heard. Maybe I’m a narcissist? Or a psychopath or something? Hell, the fact that I’m even asking myself that shows what a twat I can be sometimes. I know I’m not like most guys out there. But I’m trying to change. I want to change. For you.

  No one should have to change. Not for anyone. I bit my lip, feeling nervous as I read on.

  I’ve never said this to anyone before. I’ve never felt the need to justify myself for anything in my life, but with you, I do. Harper, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened with your brother. I’m sorry that anything I did after that night scared you or made you feel like you couldn’t cope. What can I say? I was fucked up in the head. Probably still am if I’m being honest.

  I’m sorry that my being here makes you feel like you don’t want to be. I hate that. I don’t ever want you to leave. Not because of me.