Jagged Ink

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  And that’s how she found herself, awake, wanting, and her hand inside her panties. She had orgasmed again, thinking about Carter. She really shouldn’t be thinking about Carter. It felt so wrong. It was wrong. They were no longer together, and using memories of him as a way to get off, even in her sleep, felt like something she shouldn’t be doing. Maybe if things were different, perhaps if they had worked out, she’d be able to make herself come by thinking of him. But, she really shouldn’t. Given the fact that she had done so every single day this week, that just told her she had Carter on the brain. And she was losing her damn mind.

  She resisted the urge to lick her fingers clean, blushing because that was something Carter always did. She had never needed to do it herself and sometimes found herself slightly prudish with sex, at least before Carter.

  Well, she’d thought she was prudish. She’d had sex with her other boyfriends and had enjoyed it, had initiated some of it, and had generally liked the act. Then she’d had sex with Carter and realized what she could have.

  She and her sisters talked about sex all the time, but she had been a little more reluctant to do so when it came to Carter. At first, because it was so personal and private between them, and then later because they weren’t actually doing it anymore.

  She hadn’t wanted her sisters to know that, even though she had a feeling they already did. Or they had at the time. Now, they knew that she was definitely not getting any because they knew that Carter was no longer living with her and that he had signed the divorce papers.

  She hadn’t signed them yet. She would. She would soon. But she hadn’t wanted to right after he did. Maybe it was because she was afraid of being on her own. But she was already alone, so she really couldn’t use that as an excuse. It was more like she didn’t want it to be the reaction to his action. He had taken time, they had both taken time after she filed the papers to sign. He had gone over them with Landon, and an outside source that she didn’t know, and then he had signed them. She didn’t even need to speak to him again.

  That hurt to think about.

  But she knew that she needed to sign those papers. She needed to grow up and do what needed to be done. After all, she had been the one to file them in the first place. Something her sister-in-law, Shea, had pointed out to her the day before.

  Roxie had been slightly depressed and acting like a bitch. She hadn’t been able to help it, but she knew she should have. She was an adult, after all. She had been a little despondent, going over paperwork in a café. It had been paperwork that had nothing to do with actual private information, so she didn’t feel too bad about doing it in public. It was more just stuff for her own house. And in doing so, she had needed some space, some time to herself. And then Shea had walked in, wanting coffee, and had come over to say hello.

  Roxie loved her sister-in-law, truly. But for some reason, when Shea had asked her how she was doing, Roxie had snapped.

  “I’m fine. I just wish people would stop asking that,” she had said, her voice louder than she expected. Shea just narrowed her eyes and then set her coffee down.

  “We love you,” Shea had said. “We love you so much. And we’re here for you. But you have to let us help you.”

  “I don’t need help. Carter signed the papers. It’s over.” She hadn’t meant to say that, but it was out there, and there was no taking it back.

  Shea just leaned over and kissed the top of Roxie’s head, her eyes filled with tears. “You’re the one who filed them, Roxie. And I love you.”

  There hadn’t been much to say after that, and Roxie knew that she needed to get over herself and realize that Shea was just trying to help. Because nobody knew how to help her, let alone herself.

  But now it was a Saturday night, and Roxie was losing her mind. She was taking a nap and having sex with herself while thinking about her soon-to-be official ex-husband.

  She didn’t know why…no, that was a lie. She knew exactly why that hurt.

  Because Carter was supposed to be her forever. And he wasn’t.

  She was wearing a sweater dress, but she had taken off her tights earlier that day. Apparently, she had subconsciously known she would want to get herself off in her sleep and needed the easy access.

  But because it was still chilly outside, and even though her heater was going, she was still cold. So, she put a lap blanket over herself and pressed the button to turn on the fireplace. That had been a new addition to the house that Carter had helped put in. He was so handy, something that she had taken for granted. Because she had no idea what to do when it came to home repair. She would have to find a handyman because she couldn’t even fix the drawer in her kitchen. She had tried, had gone on YouTube, and had almost called her brother or soon-to-be brother-in-law to help.

  But she hadn’t been able to do it on her own, and that had annoyed her. When had she truly been on her own? Ever?

  She’d gone from her house, the one she had lived in with her parents and family when she was growing up, to her dorm room, and then had moved in with roommates in an apartment building. After that, she had bought this house. She had been alone for just a little while before she met who she had thought was the love of her life, and then Carter was there.

  And now, she was alone again.

  But as soon as she thought that, someone knocked on the door, scaring her. She sloshed her hot tea, courtesy of Abby’s tea shop, over her fingers and cursed. Thankfully, it wasn’t too hot since she had fallen asleep right after she finished steeping it.

  She shook her hand and then wiped her fingers on her blanket. She didn’t even have a napkin with her. Hell.

  She quickly stood up, tossed the blanket over the back of the couch, and made her way to the front door. When she looked through the peephole, she swallowed hard, wondering why it had to be now. Why, when she could still smell herself on her fingers, would he be there?

  But she opened the door, raised her chin, and prayed that she wouldn’t break all over again.

  “Hi,” she said, her voice soft, this time with emotion. Thank God. She was so afraid that she had somehow lost the ability to feel. Apparently, all she needed to do to remember was see Carter again.

  Why was he here?

  Why was he here tonight of all nights?

  And why did he look like he had been out?

  He’d smoothed his hair back and trimmed his beard. He wore his bomber jacket over a nice crisp shirt and gray slacks. He wasn’t wearing a tie.

  He looked like he had been out on a date.

  And she hadn’t been.

  She was very aware that she still had sleep marks on her face from the pillow she had slept on. She also hadn’t brushed her hair after her nap and looked like she had been sleeping away her Saturday.

  She was living the life…at least sarcastically.

  It seemed that he was actually living.

  And it hurt.

  “Can I come in?”

  She automatically took a step back, gesturing for him to come in. After all, it had been his house for almost as long as it had been hers.

  “Did you forget something?” Why was that the first thing that came to mind?

  “I guess you could say that. I guess I forgot a lot of things.”

  She frowned, staring at him. “I don’t understand.”

  “Seems I didn’t understand a lot of things.”

  “Okay. What’s wrong, Carter?”

  “Everything’s wrong.” He turned on her and ran his hands through his hair.

  “Then why don’t you start from the beginning. Is someone hurt?”

  “Not in the way you’re thinking, but fuck, I don’t know how to start this. I don’t know how to say what I need to say.”

  She rolled her shoulders back, afraid. “Then just say it.” Maybe if they had actually spoken like this before, they wouldn’t be standing here right now, feeling like they were strangers. But that was for another conversation.

  Or, maybe, maybe it was for right now.
<
br />   “I was on a date tonight.”

  She hadn’t realized she had taken another step back, and then another and more until her back was pressed against the door. She was shaking. She had known this time would come. They were getting a divorce. They were no longer Carter and Roxie. This was supposed to make sense. He was supposed to go out and find someone else. He was supposed to go out and be happy. That was why she was letting him go. But the fact that he had actually done it, the fact that he was here right after it?

  Oh, God, she couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t she breathe?

  She put her hand on her chest, trying to calm her heartbeat. She knew her eyes were wide, and she knew her face was pale. She could feel all of that happening, and he just stood there staring. He put one hand out as if he wanted to help, but she couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe.

  Why couldn’t she breathe?

  This is what they wanted. So why couldn’t she breathe?

  “Oh,” she said, though she didn’t actually say the word out loud. She’d opened her mouth to speak, but nothing had come out. Nothing ever came out like it should.

  Why couldn’t she speak now? Why couldn’t she tell him that she hurt? Why couldn’t she tell him that this was all wrong?

  She needed to tell him that she wanted to be with him. She needed to tell him that everything would be okay. She should have said this all way before this. She should have told him that she was hurting and that she was in pain, that she had no idea who she was anymore.

  She needed to say all of that before she gave him the papers. She should have said all of that before he left.

  Now, he was here, maybe even smelling of another woman.

  She had just been dreaming about having sex with him, about being with him, and he had been out with someone else.

  She was going to throw up.

  She was going to be sick.

  She’d thought all the hurt was supposed to be over. She’d thought it was supposed to be gone.

  But it was back. It was all back.

  This is it.

  She needed to say something.

  And yet nothing would come out.

  “I never touched her, didn’t even hug her hello. It was a friend of a friend from work. Tommy’s wife’s friend. Not that you needed to know that.”

  “Oh.” There, she’d actually said the word this time. What did he want her to say? What was there to say? “Why are you here, Carter?”

  “Because I was on a fucking date, and all I could do was think of you. Why was I on a date, Roxie?”

  She blinked. “I can’t answer that for you.”

  “Well, I can’t answer it either. Other than the fact that I just wanted to feel again, and now I feel like I’m making all the wrong choices and moves. I’ve been doing it for far too long. How did this happen, Roxie? How are we standing here, acting like we’re strangers? You are my wife. Technically, you still are. And yet I can’t say the words I need to. They’re not even coming to mind when I’m looking at you. I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve fought. I know it’s too late now, yet I don’t want it to be too late. I was on a date with someone else, and I shouldn’t have been. She means nothing. And she knows it.”

  “I…” Roxie’s voice trailed off. She was trying to catch up. He was here, saying all these things now? Why couldn’t he have said them before? The papers were out. They had already walked away from each other. Why was he here again?

  “I love you so much, Roxie. Or maybe I love what we had. And I know it’s too late to go back to that, but I hope to God it’s not too late to talk. Because we should’ve talked before. I know that everyone says that we should’ve talked all this time, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t face you and know what we lost, know what we might not ever have again. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because I loved you so much, and then I was afraid that I would hate myself and maybe even hate you in the end. Because I didn’t know who we were anymore. But I want to try. I just want to try and figure out what happened. I should’ve done this before, but I couldn’t. And that makes me a coward. A loser. I miss you, Roxie. Miss you so fucking much.”

  Tears ran down her face, and Roxie realized that this was the first time she’d actually cried in front of him in far too long. She hadn’t wept when he got hurt. Not in front of him anyway. She hadn’t cried when he left, not in front of him. She had sobbed endless tears over this man in private, had wailed over who she had become, yet this felt different.

  She couldn’t hate him for it. And she couldn’t hate herself.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “And that’s our problem. We never know what to say. And it’s bullshit.”

  She blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “It’s bullshit for both of us. We were fucking married, Roxie. We still are. Why can’t we just say what’s on our minds and in our hearts? Why is it so hard?”

  “I don’t know why it’s so hard. It was always hard. I don’t know what to say anymore. I never did. And you walked away, Carter. You walked away without looking back.”

  “I walked away because you told me to go. Because you’re the one who got the papers.”

  “You walked away a long time before that,” she snapped.

  “I was just following the path that you laid out for us.”

  A gasp. “That’s a lie.”

  He shook his head, wiping his face with his hand. “Maybe it is. Maybe it’s just what I thought. And maybe that’s why we need to fucking talk. I’m not saying I need to move back in or that we need to go back to what we were. But we do need to talk. Because I miss you so fucking much. I don’t know if you still love me, but I love you. I love you with everything that I am, Roxie. And I want to find out who we are now. I don’t want to date other women. I don’t want to be living in Landon’s place. I don’t want to go find a place of my own. I want to find the Carter that I need to be for the Roxie that you are now. And to do that, we need to talk. We need to…be.”

  She let out a breath. “Let this be, Roxie. Let us be. Just give it a try. That’s all I ask of you. Just give me a chance.”

  “It was hard to talk before, and it’s even harder now. You know what happened. You know what happened before.”

  “I do. And we never talked about that. That was our mistake. One of many.”

  “But what if we’re afraid? What if we’re even more afraid after we speak than we are now.”

  “Then we at least tried. I know we’re in pain. I know we’re making mistake after mistake. I know no one knows what to do with us. So, don’t let me walk away again. Let’s just try. That’s all I ask.”

  “It’s going to hurt more. To talk about the things we ignored. To talk about the why. To talk about how everything changed.”

  Carter came forward then and cupped her face. She closed her eyes, telling herself not to lean into his touch. She had missed this so much.

  “So be it. If it hurts, then it needs to. I should’ve done this before. We wasted so much time.”

  “It might not work. We might realize that there was a reason we didn’t talk, that there was a reason we’re in this position.”

  “But at least then we’ll know. Just don’t make me leave again.”

  “I don’t know what happens if you stay.”

  “No one does. But we need to figure it out. Together.”

  He didn’t kiss her then, as much as she might have wanted him to, and she was glad. Because she didn’t know what she would’ve done. Sex wasn’t an option, not just then. They needed to actually figure out who they were together.

  “What do you mean exactly? What are you thinking about?”

  He let out a breath, his shoulders relaxing just a bit. But there was still so much strain on his face and in his jaw. “Let me take you out on a date. A first of sorts.”

  “A first date when we’re technically still married?”

  “It’s what we need. At least, I think so. I miss you.”

  “I can go on a da
te.”

  She didn’t say she missed him back. Maybe…maybe he already knew.

  “Let’s just figure it out.”

  “We’ll do it together. Like we should have before.”

  And then he lowered his forehead to hers and just rested it there before letting out a shuddering breath and walking out of the house.

  She had no idea what to do next, but then he texted her. He sent her a message telling her a time and place for next week.

  It was Saturday, after all, and he knew that she would want to go to sleep early on a Sunday.

  He knew that because he knew parts of her. She couldn’t say that he knew all of her because she knew one of the reasons she was like she was now was because she didn’t know who she was either. No amount of cross-country skiing and trying to figure out who she was on her own would help that.

  She sent a text back, saying okay.

  Okay.

  She was okay.

  Even if she wasn’t okay.

  She would go on a first date with her husband.

  And she wept.

  Again.

  Chapter 13

  First dates were supposed to be awkward. Getting ready for first dates was supposed to be awkward. Getting ready for your first date with your almost ex-wife was as awkward as possible.

  Carter rested his forehead on the wall next to his borrowed closet and wondered what the fuck he should wear to a date with a woman he loved but whom he was no longer in a relationship with.

  He knew he wasn’t going to wear what he had worn the week before on his date with Stacia. In fact, though he probably shouldn’t have because it wasn’t like he had money just hanging out on trees anywhere, he had thrown away everything he had worn that night, except for his bomber jacket.

  That, he wasn’t getting rid of. That he’d had the night he first met Roxie. It was something he had worn for most of their nights out. Not just because it was special to him but also because it was special to him and Roxie as a couple. He also didn’t have another jacket, so it wasn’t like he could’ve worn something else when he went out with Stacia.

  He didn’t want to even think that woman’s name again. She was very sweet and nice. And going out with her had jump-started his doing what he should’ve done all along.