by Sara Summers
Apparently there’s a woman out there, waiting for me.
I yawned and picked up my phone to check the time. The journals were definitely holding my attention, but as the clock said, it was 3 AM.
Still no Jordie.
I yawned again, then focused back on the journal. This entry was on the day we almost met in the coffee shop.
She’s beautiful. I have the most gorgeous mate on the planet.
She’s not like the other shifter women I’ve met. She has short hair, one major difference. Most shifter guys like long hair because it’s more “natural” and whatever, but hers falls just above her shoulders.
When I first saw her, sitting in a corner booth in this coffee shop, I knew she was it. She’s my one and only, the woman who the Creator intended to be mine. I wanted to go talk to her, to introduce myself, but something stopped me.
I sat across the room from her for a few hours, pretending to read a newspaper. Really, though, I watched her. She was entranced by something on the computer, and based on the way her fingers flew over the keys, I assume she’s a writer.
She seemed to really enjoy what she was doing.
A man came in and sat across from her. He was covered in tattoos, and his cotie was black. I’ve never seen a cotie that dark; usually they shine at least a little. I realized he was her brother, and then watched as he threatened her. I was about to step in, but she took care of him and he left.
She’s not just beautiful; she’s brave and strong too.
She stood up a few minutes later, looking at her right arm like it was on fire. I’ve heard that females’ coties tingle when they’re close to their mate, but I’d been there for ages, so I wondered why she had just noticed it then.
She packed her stuff and left before I could do anything. I followed her to a nice-sized house in the middle of the forest, and figured out that it was a grizzly shifter pack. She seemed safe and happy there, so now I’m in a hotel.
I don’t know what to do. She’s incredible, much more so than me. I don’t deserve someone like her. No matter what I do, I could never be good enough to make her happy.
I wish I could get her a redo. A new mate, a new chance. But this cotie on my arm matches hers perfectly, and if I never introduce myself to her, she’ll always be afraid. Probably afraid of me, too, and I don’t want that.
I don’t know what to do, but I can’t tell her who I am. She deserves better.
When I finished reading that entry, I was crying uncontrollably. What kind of guy was he? How did I end a man who thought so highly of me and so little of himself? What was I supposed to do?
I couldn’t read anything else that night. I was tired physically and emotionally, and I needed to get some rest. It was apparent that Jordie wasn’t coming home any time soon, so I let myself fall asleep with his journals still on the bed.
I dreamt of Beauty and the Beast that night, only Jordie was Belle and I was the Beast.
I missed sleeping in his arms.
Chapter 7
I woke up when he shouted my name.
“Sav!” Jordie called out, and I could hear loud footsteps around the apartment. He finally stepped into the bedroom and flipped on the light, then saw me still mostly asleep. “I thought you left.” He breathed out, his tense shoulders relaxing.
Then he noticed the journals next to me, in what was usually his side of the bed.
He took a step backward and I forced myself to sit up.
“Wait.” I told him, still sleepy.
“You don’t have to pretend to want me.” Jordie said, pain filling his eyes. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I wish there was a way to go back. I’ll find somewhere else to live, you stay here until the cops catch Steven.”
He turned to go.
“Stop.” I yawned. “I don’t want you to leave. Why would I want that?” he turned back around, looking surprised.
“I’m not a good guy. Maybe you didn’t read everything, because if you did, you wouldn’t want me to stay.” He shook his head and turned around again.
“Stop.” I repeated. “You made one mistake, and it wasn’t even a mistake, it was an accident. If you think that would affect how I feel about you, you don’t know me like you think you do.” My voice was tired and scratchy.
Once again, Jordie turned to face me.
“How can you say that? A little girl died because of me.” Tears filled his eyes, and I realized the one piece of the Jordie puzzle that I hadn’t yet discovered despite all my studying him and analyzing him.
He was sad. Really, really sad.
“It wasn’t your fault.” Water pooled in my own eyes.
“I didn’t write the story in the journals, you have no idea.” Jordie said, bitterly. I grabbed the stack of journals and placed them on the nightstand.
“Then sit here and tell it to me.” I said, pulling the blanket aside.
He shook his head, staying in the doorway. I sighed.
“Do you remember when you were worried yesterday that I could get pregnant?” I checked, pushing my hair behind my ear.
Jordie nodded and reached up to massage his neck.
“Well you don’t need to, because I don’t have a uterus.” I said quietly. “I physically cannot grow a baby.”
Jordie’s eyes widened, and he walked over to sit on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry.” He reached out and took my hand. “What happened?”
“My dad’s part of the mafia. He raised me and Steven to be like him. Murderers, thieves, liars... I had to follow along for most of my life, but just before my senior year in high school, I told him I wanted out.
“Dad agreed to help me get away, but when I got in the car to leave my family for good, there was a bomb inside. I heard it just before it went off, and I’d heard bombs before, seen them before too, so I opened the door and threw myself out of the car. I hit the ground hard, but managed to dodge part of the explosion.
“It still got me, though, and I had burns for months. I have a scar here, on my neck, from a piece of metal that sliced me.” I pulled my hair to the side and Jordie reached over to touch the raised mark.
“I was in the hospital for weeks, because when I landed, something broke inside my body. They ran a ton of tests, but I was bleeding constantly, the heaviest blood I could imagine. My body was a waterfall.” I grimaced at the memory, and Jordie looked a little ill. “Sorry, TMI.” I smiled and yawned.
“They couldn’t figure out what was causing it, but I was losing too much blood. They said they could give me medicine to change my hormones, that it might stop the bleeding, but that if they removed my uterus it would definitely stop for good.
“I told them to take it out. I was tired of being sick, and I wanted to get away. Marley’s dad had claimed to be my guardian, and since we’re shifters no one disagreed even though we didn’t have proof. If the same thing happened now they’d be a little stricter because they understand coties better, but it worked then, and I was glad.
“He got me out of the hospital, and I stayed with the grizzlies through graduation. I didn’t leave until that day we almost met in the coffee shop. I knew I had to get away from Steven, and I was running from you too.” I gave him a sad smile.
“Not being able to have kids is part of the reason I ran.” I admitted to him. “I was afraid that my mate—you—wouldn’t want a woman who couldn’t have children. I’ve been extra worried, because you teach little kids.” I explained.
“Sav, that doesn’t change anything about the way I feel about you.” Jordie pressed a kiss to my forehead, wrapping his arm around me.
I guess that was all it took for him to let his guard down. I just had to shove my way in by discovering all the secrets he was hiding.
Part of me wanted to laugh; some fairytale our story was.
That was sarcasm, by the way. In case you missed it. Our love story is the opposite of a fairytale, and that’s just the way I wanted it.
“Do you think
that whatever you tell me will change the way I feel about you?” I asked Jordie, being as gentle with the question as I could be.
He sighed.
“I was fourteen, and Felicity was eight.” His voice shook, and I had a feeling he had never told anyone the story before.
I scooted closer to him, resting my hand on his leg so he knew I cared.
“We went out to this hill that we liked, one day. She loved it when I was in panther form, so she made me shift. We stood at the top of the hill and she told me to race her down. She couldn’t shift, but she’d run on her little legs while I was on all fours.
“There was a big rock on the side of the area we played in. We always avoided it, since it got in the way, but that day we were extra close to the rock.
“Felicity shouted ‘go’, and I took off running. I knew she would want me to win, because she always wanted me to win.” He smiled a little, though his smile was full of pain. “I reached the bottom of the hill in panther form, and then I heard her scream.
“She had taken a few steps, then slipped on a wet patch of grass. It turned her foot just enough to send her smashing into the big rock we always avoided. In most cases, she would’ve been fine, just a little bruised. But she hit the rock with her head in just the right place that it broke her neck or spine or something. She died instantly.”
He closed his eyes, and I reached up to massage that place where his neck met his shoulder, the place he always seemed to be reaching for. There was a big knot under his skin, and I rubbed at it to try and get it out.
“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have left her alone on the hill. I should’ve been more careful, made sure she was safe. If I had done things differently, she would still be alive.” He grimaced.
“It wasn’t your fault.” I disagreed. “You never intended to hurt her. Believe me, the only people ever at fault are the ones who do things on purpose.”
“If it wasn’t for me—“
“She would’ve lived a much lonelier life, if it wasn’t for you. Felicity wouldn’t blame you, so why are you blaming yourself?”
He seemed startled by the question.
“Don’t leave your heart in the past, Jordie. Live in the present, here with me.” I scooted close enough to lean my head on his shoulder. He sat there for a few minutes, just thinking. I gave him the time to take it all in, staying quiet and doing my best to stay awake while he did.
“I thought you didn’t want to find your mate.” Jordie finally said. “You were running from me.”
“I told you I thought you were some forty year old man.” I shrugged. “If I was a forty year old woman, I would’ve thought you were the bee’s knees. But since I’m barely twenty, I ran. Besides, you met my brother. I haven’t had any good experiences with panther shifters, even the ones outside my family.
“I didn’t want to get dragged back into the world I had just barely escaped, and I thought you’d take me back to it.” I added. “You said you didn’t want a mate, either.”
“I was lying.” Jordie sighed. “To you, but mostly to myself. I’ve always thought her death was my fault, and that I didn’t deserve love. That’s why I don’t have many friends, and it’s why I followed you around without showing myself until Steven was going to kill you.” He admitted.
“Wait, where did you get that stuff that knocked him out? Sorry, that’s random, but teachers don’t exactly have access to drugs like that.”
“I used to be part of a wolf pack.” Jordie finally smiled. “One of the shifters was a vet, and he figured I might have to use it on someone eventually. He gave it to me before I graduated because like you said, panther shifters aren’t usually stand-up people.”
“Ah.” I nodded, then yawned again. “Can we talk some more in the morning? I’m worn out.”
“Of course. Sorry I took off after last night. That was…” he shook his head, smiling wryly. “The best night of my life.”
“I thought the same thing, and I forgive you.” I put my hand on his cheek and leaned my head up to give him a quick kiss.
Of course, the “quick kiss” turned into a slow, thorough one, but you wouldn’t have heard me complaining about that.
“I love you, Savanna.” Jordie whispered, pulling me close (he was the big spoon in the situation). “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“I love you too.” I murmured, reaching my hand back to touch his cheek again. “Sleep good.” I yawned again, and drifted off to sleep only a few moments later.
Chapter 8
The next morning, we slept in. I actually woke up before Jordie, which was a first. I was content just lying there in his arms, though, so I didn’t get up.
I knew he was awake when he ran his hand down the curve of my side, so I rolled over to smirk at him.
“Hey.” He smiled lazily. “Want to tell me all your secrets while I make you breakfast?”
I shook my head but I couldn’t hold back a smile.
“No, but I’ll make breakfast while you tell me all your secrets.” I offered.
“You drive a hard bargain…” he nodded grudgingly. “But I’ll accept your deal.” He sat up and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I slept better last night than I ever have before. Thank you.” He smiled again before sliding out of bed and pulling some sweats on.
I followed him into the kitchen, wearing my inside-out big t-shirt and some black fuzzy socks that I may or may not have stolen from Jordie’s drawer.
I won’t admit to anything.
Once mafia, always mafia. At least in some ways…
I started on the pancakes and eggs while Jordie cooked the bacon, sitting on the counter and answering all my questions.
“So, I can ask you anything, right?” I checked, just to make sure.
“Anything you want.” He nodded. “I’ve never actually answered people honestly to the questions they’ve asked, so try to be understanding if I’m hesitant.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
“But after you ask five questions, it’s my turn to ask five questions.” He added a clause.
“Fine.” I agreed. “First question… why were you crying at Marley’s house? I saw your eyes all teary.”
“I wasn’t crying. Next question.” Jordie amended the rules, but I shook my head at him.
“You have to answer all my questions honestly. You don’t have any vetoes, they’re all gone from all the days you didn’t tell me anything.”
“Geez, you’re picky.” He grumbled.
I whipped my spoon out of the pancake batter and pointed it at him.
“Answer the question.”
“Your friends were really cool. They talked about me like I was someone good and desirable. I know it makes me sound like an emotional wimp, but it touched me. I’ve never been wanted before.” He shrugged. “Excuse me if my eyes got a little watery.”
“Yeah, let’s blame it on the odor those strawberries were letting out.” I nodded.
“Burned like onions. Those suckers were strong.” Jordie agreed, but his face broke out in a massive smile, of the size and likes I had never seen before.
“Whoa. If my friends had seen you smile like that, I wouldn’t have been able to fight them off. Dang unmated females. Good thing you saved it for me.” I smiled wryly, looking down at my batter.
“I saved all of me for you.” Jordie smiled down at me.
“Alright, next question.” I had to think about what I wanted to ask. “What’s your favorite kind of food? If you followed me around the world, you must’ve tried at least as many different types as I did, and I’m not even really creative with my food choices.” I stirred some more water into the batter to give it a better consistency.
“You’re right.” Jordie nodded. “I tried way more food than you did, but then, I worked full-time last year and have zero student loans to pay off, so I had more money to spend than you.” He grinned again, and let me tell you, nothing and no one could look as sexy as Jordie did with his f
ace lit up in a grin.
“I don’t know about that.” I lifted an eyebrow, pouring some batter into the pan before turning to face him. “You’d be surprised if you knew how many readers I have on my blog every day, and all those ads add up.”
“You think you made more last year than I did?” he shook his head. “No way.” His smile lingered, and I loved it.
“In the last eight months, I made enough money that I could buy any house I want, pretty much anywhere I want, and live comfortably for the rest of my life.”
“You’re kidding.” Jordie lifted his eyebrows, but kept smiling. I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to the silent, sad guy I’d been living with yesterday.
“No, really. Millions of people all over the world want to know how shifters minds work. Even though I’ve stopped traveling, I still get almost as many hits every day as I was getting while I traveled.”
“That’s insane. I knew you were popular, but not that popular... I can see why, though. Your blog is great.” He grinned, not that the smile had completely disappeared at any time during our conversation.
“Thanks.” I smiled. “Question 3…” I turned around to flip the pancake. “What happened to you? You were sad and gloomy, and then today, I don’t think you’ve even stopped smiling once.”
“I’m kind of wondering the same thing.” He admitted, still smiling. “I don’t know, I just feel really light. I told you a lot of things I’ve never told anyone else, and somehow it made me feel different. Happier.” He shrugged.
“Aww.” I looked down at the stove and smiled, brushing my hair behind my ear. “I’m glad you’re happier.”
“Can I ask you a question yet?” he checked as I dumped the first pancake from the pan to a plate.
“Fine.” I rolled my eyes, but he was smiling so I was smiling.
It’s funny, I felt lighter too. Lighter and happier, just like Jordie said.
“Do you remember the post you wrote about love letters a few months ago?” he asked.