Dancing in the Water of Life

by Thomas Merton

  An arthritic hip; a case of chronic dermatitis on my hands for a year and a half (so that I have to wear gloves); sinusitis, chronic ever since I came to Kentucky; lungs always showing up some funny shadow or other on ex-rays (though not lately); perpetual diarrhea and a bleeding anus; most of my teeth gone; most of my hair gone; a chewed-up vertebra in my neck which causes my hands to go numb and my shoulder to ache–and for which I sometimes need traction.

  Yet experiencing physical pain, feeling old, disliking his body, and even apprehending death could not stay Merton’s natural energy in his writing. Granted, as he danced around in his cerebral quadrille, he continually questioned whether he should be writing; what he should be writing; whether he, a solitary, should be writing at all–but, despite these doubts, he kept on writing and it was a productive and prolific period. Five books–Emblems of a Season of Fury, Seeds of Destruction, The Way of Chuang Tzu, Seasons of Celebration, and Gandhi on Non-Violence–were published. More manuscripts were in the hands of publishers. Nearly a hundred articles and reviews were written and published in this period, including, in my opinion, some of the best things he wrote–such as “Message to Poets,” “Day of a Stranger,” “Atlas Watches Every Evening,” “Rain and the Rhinoceros,” and the “interpretations” from Chuang Tzu. Nearly all of this large output was inspired, in one way or another, by his lectio (or monastic reading)–a major activity as well as his inspiration and something to which he devotes major space in this journal.

  As usual the range of Merton’s reading is staggering, covering religious as well as secular literature. His reading is without plan or system. He admits that he often reads books simply because someone sent them to him or because he happened to pick them up from a pile. But, no matter why he reads them, the books of his lectio become a part of what is going on in his head. One can almost sense in his reading and in his recording of it in his journal that his “dancing” slows down, almost stops, as he finds comfort and a kind of resolution in this process. As he puts it, the process “situates” him. In a way it helps him transform his journal from the “private” to the “public.” He says: “A journal is to keep one ‘honestly situated’” (the private function). Then a journal “can be transformed into ‘meditations’ or ‘pensées’” (the public function).

  This means more than just transforming the journal itself. It equally well applies to the writings, the “meditations” as it were, that grow from the process of keeping the journal. The process becomes an important factor in the production of Merton’s public writings. It was in this way that Merton’s “meditations” or “pensées” reached the world. In them we see the result and the distillation of the quadrille in his head, but the writings, mostly confident and assured, contain few hints of the “dancing” that produced them. The publication of the “private journal” does let us see how the dance in his head led to these writings, but the writings are not final answers–for him or for us. The dancing goes on. In one essay written in this period he invites us to join it. At the end of “Message to Poets,” after warning against the dangers of technology, collective ideas, banality, and abstraction, Merton says to his readers: “Come, dervishes: here is the water of life. Dance in it.” He answered his own invitation and he himself, the old man, despite “smashing,” never stopped dancing. His journal lets us watch Merton dancing “in the water of life.”

  This journal was edited from four sources. First is the large ledger-type journal Merton dated “August 1963–End 1965,” which comprises most of the volume. Second, “Reading Notebook #14” contained Merton’s original account of the visit to meet D. T. Suzuki in June 1964 (I surmise that he did not take the larger journal to New York with him); this account was integrated with the shorter account in the larger journal. Third, the original, shorter, and angrier version of “Day of a Stranger,” which had been requested as a “journal-like description of a typical day in his life,” is inserted as he dated it: “Sometime in May 1965.” Finally, the 1965 entries from “Working Notebook #17,” called by Merton “Some Personal Notes, End 1965–Beginning 1966,” are included as an appendix. Merton himself edited and shortened the larger journal for publication and readers will find sections of Vow of Conversation contained within this volume. Sections in Latin, French, Spanish, and German, mostly very short, are followed by English translations, some of them Merton’s own. Complete names of people mentioned by Merton are given; books he was reading and his own writings are identified in the text. Footnotes have been kept to a minimum.

  PART I

  Living as a Part-time Solitary

  August 1963–June 1964

  August 3, 1963

  From a prayer of Ambrose Autpert? ascribed to St. Anselm.

  Intret Spiritus tuus in cor meum qui sonet ibi sine sono et sine strepitu verborum lo-quatur omnem veritatem tantorum mysteriorum (sc. missae)…. Rogo te Domine per ipsum sacrosancti mysterium corporis et sanguinis tui, quo quotidie in Ecclesia tua pascimur et potamur, abluimur et sanctificamur, atque unius summaeque divinitatis participes efficimur, da mihi virtutes tuas sanctas quibus repletus bona conscientia ad altare tuum accedam ita ut haec caelestia sacramenta efficiantur mihi salus et vita. [Let your Spirit, who sings without sound and speaks without the clamor of words, bring every truth of such mysteries (i.e., of the Mass) into my heart…. I ask you, Lord, through the mystery of your most blessed body and blood, which daily we eat, drink, are washed and sanctified in your church, and by which we are made participants in your one and highest divinity, give to me your holy virtues by which, filled with a good conscience, I might approach your altar in good conscience so that these holy sacraments might bring to me salvation and life.]

  Finished St. Anselm’s dialogue De Libero Arbitrio today with great enjoyment. Clarity and strength of his dialectic. I have the sense that there is much more below the surface: a whole consistent doctrine and attitude in which this simple treatment of a definition is rooted. “Potestas servandi rectitudinem voluntatispropter ipsam rectitudinem.” [“The power of preserving the rectitude of the will on account of rectitude itself.”]

  August 4, 1963. Day of Recollection

  Hot day, but dry and with breeze in the afternoon. Pleasant enough in the novitiate chapel.

  I am wondering if I can perhaps begin to be more detached from my existence. Or to think of it, better to accept the unthinkable notion of it not-being. How insufficient are conventional meditations on death! I have the responsum mortis [answer of death] in me, and have spontaneously been aware of death as a kind of presence several times today.

  Distinguish this from death-wish and frustration. It is at once an acceptance of not existing any longer (whenever I shall cease to exist in this state I am in) and a full acknowledgment of the good of existence and of life. In reality, it is the acceptance of a higher, inconceivable mode of life entirely beyond our own control and volition, in which all is gift. To resign oneself to not being what one knows in order to receive a totally unknown being from a totally unknown source and in that source.

  My solitude is very real now, though I have more to do with other people than at any time in my life. I see the full irrelevance of so much useless communication, and have nothing to say–though I can speak and say nothing since it is expected of me.

  What is said to reassure my novices is perhaps “nothing” but it has its meaning. They need not the words, but the voice, and the warmth of a heart in it. This is not nothing.

  [R. J. Zwi] Werblowsky was here–professor from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem who has been teaching at Brown. Zalman Schachter sent him down. Had a lively and interesting visit. I wanted him to speak to the novices on Hassidism; he preferred to speak on St. John of the Cross. Used material from an article he has written in Hebrew for festschrift for some savant attracted to Cabalism. I thought this talk very good, very clear, insisting on the existential reality of faith as total emptiness and night. It was a very serious and valuable talk and has had a deep effect, at least on me,
if only to remind me of my own center, which I have ignored more or less, that is, I have forgotten its supreme reality and confused it with lesser realities. Some complained of his theology, but though he did not dot all the “i”s and cross all the “t”s his talks were very good. He does not think much of Hassidism, but likes Bahya ibn Pakuda and says he will send The Duties of Hearts.

  From an old Dieu vivant luminaire: it is clear that one must choose between people like [Emmanuel] Mounier and people like [Renato] Mori and [Louis] Massignon; between the progressives and optimists, à la [Pierre] Teilhard de Chardin, and the eschatologists. You can’t be both. You can’t be in every way fashionable. And presently the eschatological view is the least fashionable. But it is more my view and my choice.

  “La solution des problèmes humains…diffère du tout au tout selon que l’homme se croit appellé à construire l’univers et lui-même par ses propres forces–même si cette tâche s’accomplit en nom du Christ–ou qu’il doit préparer par la souffrance, le sacrifice et l’adoration à reçevoir de la plenitude de l’Esprit une ‘terre nouvelle’ et de ‘nouveaux cieux.’ La parole du théologien ou du philosophe chrétien ne peut avoir d’efficacité réelle que si elle s’enracine profondément dans l’humilité de son debut intime pour la sainteté.” [“The solution to human problems…differs completely according as the man who believes himself called to construct the universe and himself through his own resources–even if this task comes to pass in the name of Christ–we whom He must prepare through suffering, sacrifice and adoration to receive from the fullness of the Spirit a ‘new earth’ and a ‘new heaven.’ The word of the theologian or of the Christian philosopher cannot have real effectiveness unless it takes root deeply in an attitude of humility from the beginning of his personal journey towards sanctity.”]

  August 9, 1963

  Terribly busy yesterday. The whole morning went on a visit to the dentist (Joe Green) at Lebanon with Fathers Herbert and Bede and Brothers Giles and Pius. Felt that much was lost in the kind of time-wasting one gets into. Yet we had lunch with the Greens and that was nice of them, and I hope I was not too reticent. But really exhausted with talking. Would have much preferred a silent morning and some work. Then I would have been fresher for the afternoon–A[rthur] M[acDonald] Allchin from Pusey House at Oxford [University] being here. I like him and he has pleasant and interesting things to say and is a nice person very interested in monasticism. (I like his book on Anglican monasticism.)

  He likes our Monastic Studies. Talks of Athos which he visited last year–its real decadence. Likes what he has seen of America. Was at the Faith and Order Conference at Montreal. Thinks American Protestant theology is lovely, which it is.

  I am reading St. Anselm’s De Veritate and the delight of the book is mysterious, clear, contemplative. It is very simple, deceptively so, and one is tempted to think he is arbitrary with his debere esse [ought to be] until one sees that the root is esse [to be] and not debere [ought (to be)], or that it is both, and he traces them both to the esse [being] of God which is the debere esse of everything else. The idea of debere–devoir–debt has been so wrung out and exhausted and so divorced from esse that for us it is a tired authoritarian command that has nothing to say but “You must because you must.” Anselm is saying “You must because you are, and being what you are you must say what you are, by being and action, and whether you like it or not you must say you are in God and from Him and for Him, and for no other!”

  My poem on the children of Birmingham is in the Saturday Review this week. (Dan W[alsh] showed it to me.) The article on the Black Revolution is (unofficially) approved by censors but may be stopped by [the Abbot] General. Dan Berrigan will be in the march on Washington with the Negroes.

  August 10, 1963. St. Lawrence

  Grey day, misty, cooler. After the Night Office, black veils of mist blowing over the middle cornfields and all the hills visible.

  Allchin leaves today. I enjoyed his visit, and especially his dear sweet Anglican spirituality, orthodoxy, etc. He has got me interested in reading some of the Anglican divines, and this is important. I am also thinking of [John Henry Cardinal] Newman. What is important is the recognition of the deep worth of Anglican writings and of the elements of mysticism which Anglicans themselves ignore. He points to [Richard] Hooker on the Incarnation as a theological source. In a broader way it was good to have some of the light of Oxford here. He represents what seems to me to be the most excellent in the English universities, a breadth, a simplicity, a sane traditionalism, a purity of vision and an originality that can only be combined in a really mature and developed culture. (Other side of this coin is the Profumo case!) I keep thinking of the broad court of St. John’s College at Oxford (if I had gone to Oxford I should really have gone there). It would be a joy to go to Oxford and stay at Pusey House: but immensely complicated. Not too complicated to think of, however.

  Translated a talk of Dom Adrien Nocent of Maredsous [Abbey, France] in chapter this morning. Especially on Liturgy of the word as announcement and response very good ideas. But if this just means that on top of everything else we now sing the lessons and responsories of Vigils, it becomes meaningless. The longer and more difficult the offices are, the less it is possible to experience them as a dialogue with God. And one falls back into the interminable and indifferent performances that have killed Liturgy, and forced people into abstractionism and “validism” in order to make the whole thing bearable, if not comprehensible.

  Have borrowed [Augustine] Baker’s Life of Dame Gertrude More [The Inner Life and the Writings of Dame Gertrude More, 1910] from Stanbrook [Abbey] and like it very much. An important and original book.

  August 13, 1963

  Deus, qui omnipotentiam tuam parcendo maxime et miserando manifestas…[God, who shows your almighty power especially in pardoning and showing mercy…] One of the most beautiful collects of the year, for this week (today a final day after Tenth Sunday Post Pentecost).

  Storms in the night–uninterrupted lightning for a long time and heavy rain.

  In the refectory last night was troubled by some things said about the paintings in Egyptian tombs–the serenity and sanity of Egyptian life. Troubled by the fact that, after all this, serenity was not enough. The people of God had to be chosen and called out of it. To a much less serene and sane life in the Desert! And we have grown to equate Egypt with “iniquity,” wickedness, defilement. The good pagan life: are we not allowed to love it! Now we try to by baptizing it. If we would get back to it, with divine blessing, how happy we would be! Yet is the American concept of life so different? The concept may be like the Egyptian one in some ways. The happy, comfortable life, serene, joyful, expansive but the reality does not come up to the reality of life in Egypt. There was, in all evidence, real earthly happiness in that peaceful land, at least in the best dynasties, whenever they were!!

  The Desert Fathers tried to resist this, turn it inside out, experience the happy Egyptian past in themselves as diabolical and who is to say they were altogether wrong? Yes–there is also the idea of stealing the gold of Egypt…eating your cake and having it. K[arl] Barth said that if you try to steal the gold of Egypt you simply take over the idols of Egypt. According to Dom Burkhard [Neunheuser], who used to converse with him at Mari-alaach [Abbey].

  Dom Burkhard Neunheuser was here with Dom Adrien Nocent. Much conversation and though I am tired of it, it is good for me. Both are very sym-pathique. Dom B. at the hermitage yesterday with a small group, talking of [Hans Urs] Von Balthasar, [Hans] Küng, Barth, etc. And of people who have left the Benedictines to marry. A problem–the same for everyone. The question of vows. I am for greater flexibility–a very long period under temporary vows, renewable every three years, and solemn vows only after about fifteen years (normally-perhaps less, perhaps more). May write this out and send to Paul Philippe,1 who will be in Cincinnati at the end of the month.

  Question of Masses–much discussion with Dom N. and Dom B. They talk much of conc
elebration and of priests communicating at conventual Mass. And of not celebrating private masses daily or even frequently. There is something to be said for this. The important thing, however, is liberty for each one to follow legitimate aspirations. Naturally this whole trend is strenuously opposed by Dom James2 and also, I understand by Archbishop Paul Philippe.

  August 14, 1963

  Proofs for Emblems of a Season of Fury have come in. The business with Macmillan is settled. They are returning the manuscript of Prayer as Worship and Experience. And the book (which I will not now release to anyone for publication) can be marked off as “experience.” Experience of how little I am able to contend with a corporation intent on making money out of my books and my name–or two of them at once. Experience of Bob Giroux,3 his reticences, suspicions, and specialized interpretations of my own statements–which he has now been scrutinizing from the point of view of a court of law, finding much that was not meant–and intent on blaming me over and over. It is a tiresome business, and finishing out the work for which I have contracted is probably not going to be fun.

  Experience too of the fact that my tendency to make statements that are personal, impressionistic and subjective may be all very nice in a book for him to sell, but not in a letter to a rival publisher–or in the context of lawyers and lawsuits. In a word, he does not like to see himself through the eyes of one of his authors. And so he has to see me as a rogue, at times, and sees reasons why I should be declared so objectively. I am not too convinced by all this–and yet there does arise the significance of “objective” statements arrived at in lawsuits. They may not be “true” but there is a certain limited finality about them, and they are resolved and they have nothing to do with anybody’s personal image of himself (unless a person is himself endowed with a juridical image). The truth of law and the truth of poetry. These are not neighbors.