Man Crush Monday

by Kirsty Moseley

  I smile, my eyes discreetly raking over him. Eight in the morning isn’t even that early compared to how early some people start—Jared, for example.

  “I thought your week was next week?” I pass him back his ticket.

  “I got an extension on my deadline, remember? I told you last week. Because I hadn’t finished my illustrations, I was meeting my publisher again this week.”

  Understanding washes over me, and I nod quickly. “Oh, yeah. I remember you saying that now.”

  He smiles and closes his book after dog-earing the corner to mark his spot. “You’re finishing your shift now, right? This is your last train? Want to get a drink now or some food?”

  He remembered when my last train home was? Did he deliberately get on this train to ask me out?

  I chew on my lip and shrug. This might be my best chance at working out my feelings once and for all. “Okay, sure. I’m starving actually. I dropped my lunch today when I was swooped by a pigeon that looked like it had rabies.” I indignantly scrunch my face.

  He bursts out laughing, and I narrow my eyes in reprimand. It really wasn’t funny at the time. I screamed and basically tried to ninja-chop it, all while looking extremely stupid, much to the amusement of my colleagues and people nearby. Classic Amy.

  “Yeah, laugh it up, arsehole,” I joke, rolling my eyes.

  He shoots me an amused smile, fighting for control. “I’ll meet you out front then, shall I? Like last time?” he offers when he finally stops laughing and the train starts to slow because we’re approaching the last stop.

  I nod and smile. “Sure. See you in a bit.” I wave over my shoulder and head back to work, strangely excited but at the same time dubious about the plans I’ve made. Again, it feels like I’m somehow cheating on Jared by just hanging out with his brother even if it is just an innocent friend thing.

  By the time I’m finished and ready to go home, I fiddle with my bag strap and head out through the station to see Theo is standing by the main entrance, waiting for me again. He beams over at me as I walk to his side.

  “So, where do you want to eat? There’s a place down the road that does, like, barbeque food. They serve all day. I think it’s even happy hour at this time,” he offers, looking at his watch.

  I know the place he means, and my mouth waters as I nod emphatically. “I love it there! Let me just grab my bike, and I’ll wheel it there—saves me coming back this way after.”

  The restaurant is halfway home for me.

  He watches as I unlock Bessy, hefting her upright and pushing her along with us as we keep pace on the short journey. When we get there, I carefully lock her up outside. It’s weird, walking with him. He walks differently to Jared, I’ve noticed. Less stiff, his arms just kind of swing, his body lollops along rather than the measured strides I’m used to. His hair is less styled too, as if he half-heartedly attempted to tame it this morning and gave up because he was too tired. It’s almost comical, their differences.

  When we’re seated and looking over the menus, the smell in the air makes my tummy grumble, and I put my hand over it, silently cursing the pigeon again. “What have you been up to? Other than working?” I ask as he comes back from ordering our food and drinks.

  He sits back in his seat and takes a large gulp of his beer. “Went to the Lake District this weekend with a couple of friends. It was one of their birthdays, so it was basically just a piss-up weekend in a cabin. Trouble is, they’re both quite sporty and into exercise and fresh air and all that crap.”

  He wrinkles his nose, and I laugh.

  “So, they decided early one morning—after we’d been doing shots the night before, I might add—that it’d be a great idea to hike up one of the mountains. Picture me, absolutely hanging, climbing a damn mountain. Never felt so rough. I think I actually died twice on the way up. So, basically, my friends are now dead to me.”

  I chuckle and watch as he pulls out his phone, scrolling through the screen before turning his phone so I can see. In the first picture, he’s sitting on the top of a mountain on a pile of rocks, pale, his head in his hands. Behind him is a beautiful backdrop of scenery, but as he flicks through the photos, it’s just him in various stages of dying at the top, and his friends ripping the absolute life out of him for it.

  “Claim to fame: I puked up there. I’m probably the first ever to,” he says confidently. “I can probably find an actual action shot of that if you want?” he jokes.

  “Hard pass,” I scoff, shaking my head in amusement. I chew on my lip and take a sip of my drink. “Jared didn’t go with you?”

  I know he didn’t because he was talking to me last night, but Jared had told me he shared friends with his brother, so it surprises me he didn’t go away with them for the weekend.

  Theo shakes his head. “Nah, he said he had work and was invested in watching some show or something. He was invited but said no. I was surprised though. Climbing mountains is the type of thing Jared would enjoy. The weirdo.”

  I smile, my insides clenching at his answer. Invested in watching a show—is that because we were watching it together?

  The food comes over then, and I gasp down at mine in excitement. I’ve chosen the chicken wrap with fries, and it looks incredible. My mouth waters.

  Theo watches as I take a bite and then says, “So, it turns out, you thought I was cute on those train journeys too, huh?”

  I choke on my shock. The food that was delicious now tastes like cardboard in my throat as I look at him with wide eyes. I chew and swallow. His eyes don’t leave mine the whole time.

  “We made it a full thirty minutes without that coming up. Then, you had to go and ruin it.” I try to make light of the conversation as embarrassed heat burns from my neck to my hairline. I squirm on my seat.

  He shrugs casually and picks up his knife and fork, cutting into his burrito. “It needs airing. Dirty laundry just festers if not washed.”

  I chuckle at his stupid analogy. “That’s true.”

  He nods, thoughtful. “So, you and Jared are currently on a break, I heard, because you’re not sure if you like him or me.”

  I suck in a breath and sit back in my chair. “That’s not exactly it.” Or is it exactly that?

  He raises one eyebrow and waits.

  “I … I noticed you on those train journeys,” I admit, fiddling with my napkin. “I liked you.” Understatement. “So, when I met Jared, I thought you were the same person.”

  He nods in understanding. “So, where do feelings for me come into this? Jared said you confused things and weren’t sure if you were in love with me or him.”

  Oh God, kill me!

  My mouth opens and closes like a fish. He’s putting it so simply, but this isn’t simple.

  “I was attracted to you. I’m not sure if that’s love or not. We hadn’t even really spoken.” I grind my teeth. “I love Jared. I’m just worried that …” I sigh, not having the right words. “That maybe it’s not real. Maybe my feelings I had for you messed everything up, clouded things in my brain. That maybe what I thought I’d felt for you got tangled with what I thought I felt for him. And now, I’m not sure what I even feel at all.”

  “Sounds like quite a conundrum.”

  I nod. “And I’ve always been shit at puzzles.”

  He laughs and reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. “And what can I do to help you make up your mind?” His tone is flirty and suggestive.

  His eyes bore into mine, and I can see the passion there. It makes my back stiffen.

  I drop my eyes to the table and shrug. “Nothing.”

  “Are you and Jared going to work it out, you think?” he asks, stuffing in a forkful of burrito.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Maybe we could, you know, go out again this week or at the weekend. See how it goes? I did see you first. Rules are rules. I should have called dibs. Though if I said that to Jared, he’d probably reply he licked it, so it’s his.”

  I feel the blush creep ont
o my cheeks. He certainly did lick it.

  Coming back to his question, I think about it. Theo is so easy to get along with. Like Jared once said, he knows exactly what to say at the right time to make people love him. It’s so easy to see why I was so won over on those train journeys. And we’re so compatible; our humour is the same. No, he doesn’t make my panties wet with a smile like Jared does, but is that because there’s all this guilt inside me and a horrible feeling that I shouldn’t even be here? If I were willing to let that go, I could probably build something with Theo and have fun while doing it. But my mind shoots back to Jared and how much that would hurt him. I’m not willing to do that.

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Theo.”

  “How are you ever going to know then?” he asks, cocking his head like a curious puppy as he regards me with interest.

  “I don’t know.”

  Maybe I never will know. At this point, I’m still so confused over it that I have even considered not seeing either of them again. Maybe they would both be better off in the long run. I don’t want to ruin their relationship by choosing one over the other. Maybe I should just request a transfer to another route at work so I don’t see Theo and then just delete Jared’s number from my phone. A clean break from them both. Move on. I could take a vow of celibacy, adopt ten dogs, and become the local crazy dog lady. Lonely forever. I would rather that than hurt Jared.

  The rest of my week has been pretty dull. After parting ways with Theo on Monday night—and rejecting his offer to swap numbers again—I went home and just had time to shower and slip into my comfy lounge pants before Jared called, and we watched more of the season.

  The trouble now is, Jared and I are all caught up on the show. We binged it all, and there are no more episodes to watch. The last one was viewed during the week, and I am extremely disappointed about it. I miss Jared and his closeness and his crinkle-eyed smiles that make my insides flutter. The phone calls have taken some of that loneliness away. But because the show is finished, we have no excuses to talk; therefore, when we hung up the phone last time, we didn’t agree a time to speak again.

  It’s been three days since my last Jared fix. I am unreasonably disappointed that he hasn’t instigated contact again since then because I haven’t felt like I can. I hope he is just busy with work. I know he had a big project on, some hotshot company that has a massive ad budget, because he told me about it and how important it was. I just have to hope that’s the only reason he’s not called and not just the fact that he’s had enough of hanging on a shoestring, waiting for me to make up my damn mind.

  It has been almost two weeks now since we began our break, and there is no end or solution in sight.

  When my phone rings, I jump for it, suddenly thinking it’s Jared. I grin and pick up the phone, only to see it’s a mobile number I don’t have saved and not his handsome face lighting up my screen.

  My disappointment is all-consuming, and I scowl down at the phone in anger.

  I sigh and debate on not bothering to answer it; it’s likely one of those accident firms.

  Hello, we’ve been told you were recently involved in an accident. Is that right?

  But the trouble is, I’m lonely. It’s a Friday night, and I’m sitting in my pyjamas, eating Ben & Jerry’s straight from the tub, watching reruns of 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way, and trying to justify how my life could be worse because at least it’s not as messed up as some of these people on the show!

  So, I answer the call, expecting an automated voice.

  Instead, I’m greeted by the sounds of someone crying—hysterical crying at that.

  “Hello?” I frown.

  “Amy? Amy, it’s Deborah.”

  The name means nothing to me for a split second, and then I blink in understanding. Jared’s mother. Dread settles over me, and I feel my body go cold.

  “Deborah? Is everything okay?”

  “There’s been an accident!”

  My mouth goes dry. “What? When? Who?” My hand flies up to my chest as horror builds within it. Everything stops as I wait for her to speak.

  “Both of them!”

  twenty.seven

  “What?” My eyes widen, and I jump to my feet. “What’s happened, Deborah, please?”

  “I don’t know!” she wails down the line. “I just got a call from a nurse at the hospital. I’m listed in Theo’s phone as the emergency contact. It’s both of them. Both!” She’s crying so much that I can hardly make out her words.

  I swallow my horror, my body going cold at her words and the sound of her distress.

  “Are they okay?” My grip on the phone is so tight that my hand aches.

  I hold my breath and wait for her reply, but it doesn’t come. Instead, there’s jostling and crackling on the line, and a new voice comes on.

  “Amy, it’s Kenneth.”

  Panic is beginning to consume me. “Kenneth, what’s happened? I don’t understand. What kind of accident?” My heart is racing in my chest.

  “Deborah just received a phone call. There’s been a car accident. Both the boys were in the car. One has a broken leg and some other injuries but is relatively stable.”

  He stops talking, and I can hear Deborah’s wails grow louder in the background.

  “And the other?” I prompt desperately.

  “The other one has head injuries and some internal bleeding. They’ve had to rush him into surgery.”

  Oh God, no. Please, no.

  Surgery. My legs give out at the word, and I drop onto the sofa, putting my head in my shaky hand. “Which?” I croak, unable to form a full sentence. My brain hurts, and my stomach clenches as I wait for him to answer. My mind is still messed up, my feelings for them both so tangled that I don’t know what I want him to say.

  “We don’t know which is which. They were on their way back from the gym, so both had workout gear on and their wallets in their gym bags. Because they had no ID on them, they don’t know which wallet or bag belongs to which one.”

  Kenneth clears his throat. “Amy, I need you to go to the hospital. Can you do that for me? We’re on our way there now, but we’ve been away, visiting family, and we’re still an hour out at least. I need you to go there and see if you can tell which one is which. The doctors want to know. Please? Amy, can you …”

  “Yes,” I whisper my reply. I’m already on my feet, grabbing my handbag and keys, slipping my shoes on.

  “Thank you! Thank you, Amy! They’re at Addenbrooke’s. Go to A and E department. Can you let us know? I’ll be driving, but if you could, call Deborah as soon as you know anything.”

  “The one in surgery, is he going to be okay?” I ask, squeezing my eyes shut as I wait for him to answer. Abject terror is building like a storm inside me.

  “We don’t know. They told us to hurry and that it was serious,” he answers.

  His words feel like they’re killing me.

  Serious. How serious? Is one of them going to die? Which one?

  I nod and say my good-byes, running out of my flat so fast that the door bangs shut and flies open again.

  “Shit! Come on!” I hiss, grabbing for it and yanking it closed again before thrusting my key in the lock and angrily twisting it.

  I turn and bolt for the stairs, taking them three at a time, almost face-planting as I get to the bottom where my body is going too fast for my legs.

  I fumble with my keys again, finding the one that fits the communal storage cupboard at the bottom of the stairs. After wasting precious seconds attempting to get my key in the lock with my hands shaking like jelly, it finally opens, and I wrench out Bessy, throwing my leg over her and pushing away from the wall in one smooth movement. My panic is taking over, I’m losing it, my brain is spinning so fast that it’s making me feel dizzy, but I have to hold it together. All that matters is getting to the hospital. Jared and Theo are hurt, one of them seriously so, and I need to get there.

  As I join the road, my mind not really on the tas
k at hand but more on the two men in hospital, a car horn blasts behind me, and then it overtakes me, the guy opening his window to flip me the bird. I wobble precariously and wave an apology, pushing my legs faster on the pedals, wishing I had a car.

  The hospital is a good fifteen-minute bike ride away, but I make it in nine. By the time I arrive, I’m sweating, exhausted, and gasping for breath. Tears are streaming down my face, and at some point on the manic ride over here, I’ve realised I’m in my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas and am not wearing a bra. But none of that matters as I jump off my bike, unceremoniously dumping it against the railings and not even bothering to lock it up. I run for the A&E department so fast that I almost trip over my own feet.

  I’m almost frantic by the time I race up to the reception window and skid to a halt. I reach up and swipe the tears from my face. The receptionist looks up, startled.

  “Hello, can I help you?” she asks, shooting me a worried smile.

  I nod, gulping in lungsful of air. “Car accident. Two men brought in. Twins.” I can barely get my words out. My mouth has gone dry, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth as I pant for air.

  Understanding crosses her face, and she nods. “Just wait there a second. I’ll buzz Beverly for you. She’s the nurse who called the next of kin.” She holds up one finger and then picks up the phone, pressing the buttons frustratingly slowly.

  I lean against the counter for support as I glance around the waiting room. It’s only half full, and some of the people watch me with interest. I must look a sight, a girl hyperventilating and covered in a sheen of sweat, wearing pyjamas. I can’t bring myself to give a damn.

  Finally, the receptionist puts the phone down and smiles at me. “Beverly will be out in just a moment.”

  I step back, my eyes darting around, unable to stay on one thing for more than a second as I wring my hands and chew on my lip. The wait is like torture. Thoughts rush through my head so fast that I can barely process them before they’re gone.

  It takes a couple of minutes before the receptionist waves over my shoulder. “Beverly, this is the lady you’ve been waiting for. With the twins.”