by Tiana Smith
Carter shrugged, cleaned up the spilled sauce, and passed me back the towel.
He left me alone in the kitchen, but the room wasn’t empty. It was full of questions.
* * *
I CALLED AN emergency meeting with Naomi later that night. She was babysitting and couldn’t come over even though her younger brother was asleep, so we video chatted. Her face and curls filled my phone’s screen, her eyes wide after hearing my news.
“You think it could be Carter?”
I shrugged. “I’m not saying I want it to be Carter. Just that it’s a possibility.” I held up the papers with all the students in AP Government. “He has Ms. Navarrete in the morning.”
Naomi whistled slowly, then scrunched her eyebrows. “I don’t know, though, Carter is so impulsive and says whatever is on his mind. Your letter guy seems much more deliberate.”
“Yeah, well, people always think about what they write more than what they say.”
“Not true. Think of all the internet trolls you just offended.”
I didn’t feel much like laughing, even though it was obvious Naomi was trying her best. She sighed.
“Okay, how about you read all the letters to me and we’ll go through them for clues.”
“That would take the entire night. We’ve been writing since the beginning of September.” Naomi still read a lot of the letters, so it wasn’t like this should come as a surprise.
Naomi raised her eyebrows. “Has it really been that long? Look at you go.”
“Focus.” I snapped my fingers. “What I need to know is, do you think it could be Carter?”
She deliberated, then bit her lip. “I mean, I guess?”
That was so not what I wanted to hear. I groaned and flopped back on my bed, dropping my phone to my side. Naomi’s voice floated up to me.
“Anything’s possible. But you have to admit the odds aren’t very good.”
I sat up and brought my phone back in front of me. “Well, it has to be someone. Some guy who’s a senior. And someone who’s in AP Government and Politics. That means the odds are pretty good actually.”
Naomi winced. “Well, when you put it that way.”
Both of us were silent for a while, thinking over the ramifications.
“I was all for having you move on with this guy, but maybe…” Naomi paused. “Maybe just put the flirting on hold for a while? At least until you know for sure it’s not Carter? Because that would just be awkward.”
“You’re telling me,” I muttered.
“Especially after things went south with Grayson. It’s not like you need any more drama right now.”
The reminder sent a pang through my chest. Wasn’t time supposed to make it hurt less? How come I could still feel the embarrassment and betrayal like it was yesterday?
I didn’t say anything and Naomi pushed forward.
“You know I’ve been a huge fan of this one-five-whatever guy all along, and I honestly don’t think it’s Carter, and you have nothing to worry about. Just give it time. Once we find out who it is, we’ll both look back and laugh at this.”
“I really, really hope you’re right,” I said. “Anyway.” I waved my hand in the air. “Enough about boys. We still good for our girls’ night tomorrow? Or do you think it will physically hurt you to be without Dax for that long?”
She knew I was teasing. Dax was actually pretty great as far as boyfriends went. He didn’t mind when I stole my best friend for a much-needed girls-only outing. Tomorrow, Naomi and I had tickets to a concert that we’d won off the radio. Neither of us knew the band, but hey, free tickets.
“You know it.” She gave me a pretend fist bump through the phone. “I’m bringing ear plugs, just in case they’re awful.”
“Smart. Bring me some too.”
She laughed and nodded.
We disconnected the FaceTime call and I fell back against my pillows again. I felt a little better. But it wasn’t enough to make me forget that Carter could be the one behind all of 15211’s letters.
I didn’t think that was something I could ever forget.
Chapter Sixteen
Dear 15211,
I’m not sure meeting each other would be the best thing. It would change … a lot. For starters, what if we do know each other?
What if we’re friends?
What if we’re not?
What if we can’t stand each other?
What if you’re my cousin? You gotta admit, that’d be creepy.
What if you once dated my best friend?
What if you once dated me? (I mean, I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I’d dated someone who was all the things you described. That’d be awful if I didn’t know those things about someone I dated. But still. What if?)
Once we know, we can’t not know. We can never go back. But we can wait, and we can see where things go.
There’s too many what-ifs.
15511
I wasn’t really worried about most of those things. Okay, yeah, maybe a little bit. But on the whole, I was now worried 15211 was Carter. Ever since that comment he’d made. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced. His parents were still married, plus they expected him to become a doctor, or lawyer, or something else important. He played video games too, like 15211 had mentioned. I had no idea if he liked programming them, though. But he had AP Government in the morning, so there was that too.
If I was right, and he found out that I was 15511, then that would change everything. What was frustrating was how different someone could be on paper versus real life. The facts were all the same, but I’d read into them. I’d built 15211 up, turning him into some kind of fantasy, when I should have known better. True, Carter was my friend and I thought he was a great guy. But in the letters, I’d made him into more than just a friend.
I had a letter waiting for me the next day. I couldn’t read it right away, so I shoved it in my pocket to read later. Then I transferred it to my suit jacket pocket when I changed after school for parents’ night. Parents’ night was basically where we all ate spaghetti in the school cafeteria but pretended it was something fancier because we drank water out of plastic cups shaped like champagne flutes. Our top-ranking students performed for the parents and sponsors who did a good job pretending not to be bored even though we all knew the truth. Making things more uncomfortable, we had to dress up.
Grayson and I would both be giving our speeches tonight, along with a Duo Interpretation pair and a staged debate between two people from our Lincoln-Douglas team.
Now, completely ready for my performance with time to spare, I stole away to the hallway to read 15211’s response.
People passed me to get into the cafeteria, but I carefully shielded the letter from anyone’s eyes, sliding down the wall until I sat cross-legged on the floor.
Dear 15511,
I understand you’re scared. I’m scared too. But it’s the things that scare us the most that have the best rewards, right? Didn’t someone famous say that once? If not, they should have, because it’s rather smart, if I do say so myself.
Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure all your what-ifs will disappear. I don’t have any cousins my age. As for the other things you mentioned, I’d remember if I dated someone like you.
15211
How could his letters still make me smile when I knew, well, probably knew that he was totally not someone I should be crushing on?
Carter walked through the cafeteria doors in that moment and I quickly shoved the letter under my leg. The absolute last thing I wanted was for Carter to see me reading this letter if it really was from him. I still needed time to sort everything out, especially my emotions.
Carter turned, saw me, and came over to where I was sitting, a smile overtaking his face.
“I dunno, Edwards, there’s all these people here, think you’ll cave under the pressure?” He sat down next to me and nudged me with his elbow.
“You wish. I’ve been killing it at competitions, or hav
en’t you noticed? That state championship scholarship is calling my name.” By “killing it” I really only meant I’d won two tournaments in a row, but I was all about celebrating little victories.
“Oh, I’ve noticed,” Carter said. His shoulders slumped a little. “You’ll get that scholarship and be out of here without even looking back.” Carter gave me a sad smile and I rolled my eyes. Part of me regretted letting him think I was so interested in the scholarship, but then he said things like that and I remembered why I’d done it in the first place.
“Whatever. You know we’ll keep up with each other online.”
This didn’t seem to make him any happier. He looked away, toward the main doors where more people were entering for parents’ night.
I looked over too and saw my mom laughing with another parent in the lobby.
While we were both looking that way and Carter’s head was turned, I tucked the letter back into my pocket.
“Mom!” I called, waving her over. Yes, I wanted to distract Carter. Distracting him was better than facing him. I was such a coward sometimes.
When my mom saw me, her face split into a smile. She parted ways with the parent and came to where we were sitting.
“There’s the star of the evening,” she said, and I rolled my eyes.
“Hardly,” I replied.
“Hi, Lindsey,” Carter said. “I’m trying to convince Quinn here to stick around Idaho for college. You’re on my side, right?”
Of course, my mom knew all about my plans to go to Boise State. She routinely told me how guilty she felt that she was part of my reasoning for wanting to stay. I didn’t want my mom’s puzzled frown to give me away, so I quickly interjected.
“Want to save us seats?” I asked. “I’ll be there in a second.”
“Sure.” My mom drew out the word. “And, Quinn, you know you can go wherever you want for school, right?”
That was one of the best things about my mom. She supported me 100 percent, and she always made sure I knew it. Sometimes to the point of embarrassment, like when I was thirteen and she proudly announced to an entire grocery store that we were buying my first period supplies.
I nodded hastily, hoping she’d get the hint now. Also hoping that this wouldn’t fuel another debate where she tried to convince me she could live without me. I knew she could. That wasn’t the point. The point was, I wanted to go to Boise State.
She patted my head and walked away.
“There’s your big competition,” Carter said, nodding to the doors. “Grayson just got here with his family.”
I didn’t want to look. Looking meant I was weak. But I totally looked anyway.
Grayson was flanked on either side by his mom and dad. His younger sister, I assumed, walked to the right of their group. She could have been Grayson’s twin separated by five or so years. She had the same light brown skin, easy smile, and wavy dark hair. She even wore the same style of glasses.
I’d seen Governor Hawks before, of course, a few times. But I’d never actually met her in person, and suddenly I wasn’t sure what to expect.
Her picture had been plastered everywhere over the last couple of months because she’d been campaigning for reelection. A Name You Know. Vote for Nasha. Apparently winning was a family trait, because she’d won by a landslide.
Behind their family, two men in suits hovered nearby, obviously security. They weren’t wearing uniforms, so they probably were trying to look like school faculty or something, but I knew all the faculty here, and neither of them were familiar.
I stood up and straightened my slacks. For some reason, this felt like a standing occasion. Carter followed, and we both stood awkwardly in the hallway while we waited for Grayson’s family to pass.
But they didn’t pass. They stopped.
Governor Hawks’s billboards made it clear she was confident, but in person, Grayson’s mom seemed even more imposing. It was obvious she was the one used to giving directions, not receiving them. Not that she looked mean. Just powerful. Her stance was the exact pose I tried to mimic whenever I gave a speech. She was born to be a public figure.
Her black hair was pulled back and she wore a suit that looked simultaneously professional yet feminine. Her brown skin was flawless, like she’d had a professional apply her makeup just for this occasion. Either that or she was just one of those lucky women who had nonexistent pores and dangerously long lashes. But it wasn’t her appearance that demanded attention. It was her presence. Her sheer force that both intimidated and fascinated me.
I wanted to be her when I grew up.
His dad’s hair was graying on the sides and he kind of looked like Chris Pine, with the same warm smile. He was fit for his age, and tall, with broad shoulders and a relaxed pose.
“Quinn, right?” Grayson’s dad asked, extending his hand. He must have seen my shock because he hurried to add, “I saw the pictures from the fall fling. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Right,” I choked out, hoping he couldn’t see how much my hand shook when I stretched it out. How were you supposed to behave when you met the parents of a boy who you’d crushed on? “Nice to meet you, Mr. Hawks.”
How much had Grayson told them? Or, oh no. The police officer? What if she told the governor about our kiss?
Mortification. That was the only word that could describe what I was feeling. I knew that night would come back to haunt me. Sure, I still dreamed about it sometimes. Dreamed about things ending differently because I liked to torture myself. But this was a whole new level of torment.
“I hear you’ll be performing tonight?” Governor Hawks asked.
I nodded. Then I figured maybe I was supposed to actually say something, like nodding was somehow rude. People wouldn’t just nod to the president, would they? “Yes, that’s right,” I said, after it had already been too long. Ten points for awkwardness.
“You’ve beat my son at quite a few tournaments lately,” she said with a smile. “Your speech must be quite something. I’m looking forward to hearing it.”
“I … I’ll do my best.”
No pressure or anything.
I looked at the ground, feeling completely inadequate in this moment. This woman had accomplished so much. There was no way she’d be impressed with my little presentation.
“Quinn’s speech is amazing,” Grayson said. My head whipped up, surprised. His shoulders were back and his expression was earnest. From the way he looked at his mother, it was obvious he looked up to her and wanted to impress her. I just had no idea why he’d think I was a good way to do that, or why he’d want her to be impressed with me just as badly as I wanted that to happen.
I hadn’t been nervous before, but now my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and my stomach twisted into knots. Carter put an arm around my shoulders. “Yeah, my girl Quinn here is one of the best.”
Nasha’s eyes moved from Carter, to his arm, to Grayson, and back again. Her eyebrows raised, and I was too nervous to try and explain, even as I shrugged out of Carter’s arm. Grayson didn’t seem concerned about it or the way Carter had said “my girl Quinn.” As well he shouldn’t be. Grayson’s mouth lifted up in a smile and I wanted to roll my eyes at the lot of them.
Mr. Hawk’s eyebrows drew together in confusion.
“Didn’t you two go to the fall fling together, though?” he asked Grayson.
I shared an uncomfortable look with Grayson. Apparently his dad didn’t know not to ask questions like that. Either that or he was completely clueless about teenagers in general. Grayson cleared his throat.
“Well, yeah, but we’re just friends.”
Ha. We were not friends. Not anymore.
Even though I wished we were.
“Friends who go on dates?” His dad was not taking a hint.
Carter was enjoying this immensely. His smile was so big, he looked like he was competing for a spot in a toothpaste commercial.
“Yeah,” Carter said. “Like we’re going on a date tomorrow, r
ight, Quinn?”
I whipped around so fast Carter took a step back. “What?”
Grayson’s dad couldn’t catch up to this conversation. “You all are? All of you together? Grayson too?”
Grayson dragged his hand through his hair. His expression was pained, like this hadn’t been on his agenda today. I, however, was not going to get roped into a solo date with Carter simply to save face in front of Grayson’s parents. If I could make Grayson suffer too, all the better.
“Yes, all of us,” I said, keeping my voice cheery. “Grayson is bringing someone too. A group date. We’re all going as friends.” That last part was for Carter’s benefit. I stared him down as I said it, but Carter didn’t even look sorry. I wasn’t surprised. This was exactly the type of thing he’d pull to get me to be more social. But this time, I wasn’t secretly looking forward to it.
“Well, that sounds like fun,” Grayson’s dad said. He seemed proud of himself, like he’d finally cracked the teenager code and knew what we were talking about.
The governor’s face was hesitant. She likely wouldn’t contradict her husband in public, but we all knew “fun” wasn’t the best descriptor.
“Who are you going with?” Grayson’s dad asked him. Everyone turned to face Grayson, and I felt a surge of satisfaction for how uncomfortable he looked.
“Uh, I haven’t asked anyone yet.” Grayson adjusted the collar of his dress shirt.
“Well, it’s tomorrow,” his dad said. “That’s not giving the poor girl much notice. I thought we’d raised you to be more of a gentleman than that.”
Carter was eating this up. I elbowed him in the side to keep him from actually laughing out loud.
Governor Hawks looked like she was going to weigh in on the conversation, but I didn’t want her to have to explain things to her husband in front of everyone.
“Well, if you’ll excuse me.” I took a step away from the group. “I really should go get ready for my speech tonight.” Why’d the governor have to be so intimidating? How was I supposed to get through tonight with her watching?