How to Speak Boy

by Tiana Smith

  I sighed and tapped my fingers on the counter, debating the best way to spill my secret.

  “It’s really not a huge deal,” I said. It certainly felt less so the more time it went on without going anywhere. Naomi raised her eyebrows, clearly challenging my assessment of the situation.

  I considered keeping things under wraps, even now. But then, maybe it’d be good for Carter to think there was someone else on my mind, even if I knew I wasn’t going to do anything about it for a while. At least until after the state competition in two weeks. I was all about the focus lately.

  “We’ve been exchanging letters for a while now, but I don’t know who he is. Ms. Navarrete switched our assignments once by accident and we just kept writing to each other.”

  Grayson and Carter were silent as they worked on their desserts, but I could tell they were both listening intently.

  “Then we were supposed to meet like a month ago, but that never happened.” I shifted my weight on the barstool. “But we still exchange letters and he seems decent.”

  Carter was watching me. “So you were supposed to meet, and what happened? He didn’t show?”

  I shook my head.

  “What excuse did he give for that?”

  Even though Carter hadn’t sounded accusing, Naomi jumped to 15211’s defense, as she always did whenever I questioned things.

  “He said he had something come up. Give him a break. His apology was, like, A-plus material.”

  “She’s seen the letters?” Carter asked, pointing to Naomi. I couldn’t read his expression, but I wanted to. If he was 15211, what would he think about Naomi reading the words between us?

  Another thought struck me then. If Carter was 15211, then this would let him know I was on the other end of the letters, which was probably brand-new information for him. I analyzed his face for any signs of surprise, acceptance, or even excitement, but it was completely blank, like he was some kind of robot.

  “She’s seen some of them,” I said, as noncommittally as possible. There were some I hadn’t coughed up, wanting to keep things more private. Being the best friend she was, she hadn’t pushed.

  But could 15211 really be Carter? My mystery pen pal had been super flirty, and Carter probably wouldn’t be flirting with me in real life if he had a girl he was writing to on the side. Then again, maybe that was why he was dropping hints like the fact that he cooked. Maybe he’d figured out I was on the other end and now he was upping his game. I honestly had no way to tell, and the more I thought about it, the more my head went in circles.

  “He’s totally boyfriend material,” Naomi said, looking meaningfully at me as she said it. Her motive was clear. She knew how much Carter’s flirting had bothered me lately, and this was her trying to clue him into the fact. But she hadn’t clued into the fact that Carter was back in the running as a potential 15211 candidate since he was here cooking, so saying he was boyfriend material might actually backfire.

  “You should ask to meet again,” Grayson said. “See what he says.”

  “I dunno.” I chewed on my lower lip. “It didn’t work out so well the first time, and I don’t want to risk it.”

  “Wait, are you saying you actually like this guy?” Carter asked. He stopped stirring and the spoon slid into the bowl, but Carter didn’t seem to notice.

  What I’d give for a mood ring right about now, or something that’d give me some hint of Carter’s feelings. I’d have to tread carefully.

  Carter looked over at Grayson, perhaps gauging his reaction to my pronouncement, but Grayson was busy cutting apples for his dessert.

  “It’s … it’s probably nothing,” I stammered. “I mean, he hasn’t asked to meet me again, and it’s not like anything will come of it if it hasn’t already. Honestly, I don’t even know anymore.” Not to mention I’d been the one trying to hit the brakes on things. I’d only hit the accelerator when things had gone south with Grayson, so 15211 was probably getting whiplash, poor guy.

  “Sorry, Carter,” Naomi said. “But her heart’s taken. As her best friend, I can tell.”

  I winced, but neither Carter nor Grayson showed much reaction to this statement.

  Carter pursed his lips, considering. “What types of things does he write in these letters? Maybe you should show them to me. We could analyze them together.”

  “We talk about anything and everything,” I said, ignoring his hidden request. “Our parents, school, college, whatever happens to be on our minds.”

  “Speaking of college,” Carter said. He looked down at his bowl, slowly scraping some of the batter from the sides with a spatula. “Have you heard back from your dream college?”

  Yes, I was a horrible friend who’d kept my acceptance to myself because I knew he’d go off on another rant like he had earlier. I hated that our friendship had gotten so complicated lately. It never used to be like this, but lately, I walked on eggshells anytime he was around.

  “I got in.”

  Carter still didn’t know I’d be sticking around this area. I didn’t want to get his hopes up. Naomi already knew which school I’d been wanting, and I’d probably tell Grayson later. It was strange to think he actually did feel like a friend, like someone I could share those details with and know they’d only think well of me. It might have been naive, but I couldn’t help but trust him, despite what everyone else said.

  Carter was my friend too, but the kind that thought he knew what was best for me. Sometimes he was right, like when he pointed out Grayson wasn’t being completely honest, so it was hard to discount his opinion all the time.

  “Congratulations!” Grayson said, looking up from what he was doing. He seemed genuinely happy for me, the corners of his eyes crinkling behind his glasses and a huge smile in place.

  “Yeah, now I need to keep my grade up in AP Government, no biggie. Oh, and secure some financial aid to help. Sorry, Grayson, but I’m totally planning on taking you down at the state competition in two weeks to get that scholarship.”

  That last part was to change the topic, but it was also for Carter’s benefit. I hated doing it, but he wasn’t taking any of my hints and I didn’t like being outright mean to my friend.

  Grayson waved my comment away. “You know that will probably happen anyway. You’ve been beating me at all the latest tournaments. And you’ve been doing great in AP Government, so you’ve got this in the bag.”

  His comment made me feel all warm and fuzzy, which wasn’t a good sign. I had to turn away. I shouldn’t rely on him to boost my ego when he was my competitor. I shouldn’t care what he thought either.

  Naomi tackled me in a side hug, then turned to address everyone else in the room. “Best Valentine’s Day ever. My best friend got accepted into her dream college and we’re having a cook-off!”

  “More like a bake-off,” I said, motioning to the counter. “Technically, cooking and baking are different things.”

  She shrugged, then stole a chocolate chip from Carter’s batter. Dax came to where we were sitting and gave me a high five before wrapping his arms around Naomi from behind.

  “Way to go, Quinn.” He kissed the top of Naomi’s head and I was hit with a sudden ache.

  I looked up to find Grayson watching me, so I quickly averted my gaze to the desserts they were making. Grayson was making apple crisp while Carter had opted for some kind of giant deep-dish cookie pie that he was going to bake in a skillet. Both of them looked amazing, so that made my life more complicated than it needed to be.

  They argued for a bit about whose would go in the oven first, but Grayson eventually won out because his would take longer to bake. He smiled at the victory, the same smile he wore whenever he beat me at something. He obviously loved winning and it didn’t matter what it was he won. The question mark in my mind grew a size or two. Was Grayson setting me up to fail?

  True, we were competitors. But really, what did that matter if you liked being with someone? Grayson might see things the same way, if I gave him the chance.
>
  Maybe, after the state tournament, I’d know for sure. That wasn’t so long from now, only two weeks away.

  I chewed on my nail while Grayson put his apple crisp in the oven.

  Soon, I’d have to make a choice. About so many things.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Grayson was shaking his head at me. “I still can’t believe you picked Carter’s burnt cookie thing over my dessert. I thought you had good taste.”

  He turned onto my street and I fingered the edge of the foil that covered his leftover apple crisp. We’d eaten all the mini quiche, so Carter had put the leftover apple crisp in that dish. There wasn’t much left, but I still wondered if Grayson would let me take the rest home. It’d been that good. I’d had a hard time keeping all my salivating in check enough to lie through my teeth to proclaim Carter the winner of the bake-off.

  “I think this is proof that you still don’t really like me all that much,” Grayson said, which actually made me laugh out loud. That was so not my problem. Not anymore at least.

  “You know yours was better,” I said. “You didn’t need my verdict to know that.”

  “Oho!” Grayson abruptly pulled over to the curb and parked his car. We still weren’t in front of my apartment yet. “You’re admitting you outright lied to make your friend the winner?”

  “You’re my friend too.”

  “Hmmm.” He put his hand on my headrest, and turned to face me. I stopped breathing. I wanted so badly to reach over, bring his face close to mine, and kiss him.

  But I didn’t. Because with the state tournament still looming over us, he was still my biggest competition. He could still break my heart.

  I slapped his arm playfully, because I had no idea what I was doing, or what I was supposed to be doing right now. Was I supposed to flirt? Push him away? There needed to be some kind of manual for this type of situation.

  “You didn’t need the ego boost,” I told him. “Everyone was pretty unanimous in loving your dessert. But did you see how crushed Carter looked when everyone was agreeing yours was better?”

  “Mmmhmm.” He was smiling. “Just admit it, I’m growing on you.”

  A little too much. Apparently all my trying to act cool and distant was about as ineffective as the hand dryers in the school bathrooms. Soon, he’d know about my feelings either way, so I might as well be the one to tell him. Right?

  “How’re things going with you and that girl you like?” I asked. Such a smooth transition. Could I be more hopeless?

  Grayson’s smile got even wider. “Pretty good actually.” He started the car again and pulled onto the street while I tried not to let my disappointment show on my face. If he really liked this other girl so much, he should stop flirting with me all the time. That was just common courtesy. Maybe I really was right to not trust him. This was the same thing, and same girl, he’d been talking to Carter about months ago, so was I that much a glutton for punishment that I’d put myself in the exact situation for a second time?

  Apparently.

  “What’s her name?” I wasn’t even trying to be casual anymore. I knew it was desperate, but really, what was I supposed to do?

  Grayson shook his head. “Nope, I’m not saying any names until you can tell me the name of your secret crush.”

  “But I don’t even know his name. You know as much as I do.”

  This comment made him laugh. I never realized before how much I liked hearing it.

  He looked over at me briefly, and I self-consciously tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

  “Back in Arizona…” He swallowed. “You said you didn’t trust me.”

  I bit my lower lip, but didn’t say anything.

  Grayson’s voice was low as he said, “Can I ask why? And not just the stunt that Carter pulled to make you hate me. I want the full reason.”

  I sucked in a breath. This was the moment of truth. If I told him the real reason I didn’t trust him, what would he do with that information? How would he take it?

  “Sometimes—” I started, but paused. I took a breath. “Sometimes I worry you’re only being nice to me to get close to me. Then, right before the finals round at the state meet, you’ll do something, I don’t know, just something, that will shake my confidence or ruin my chances somehow so that you can win. Like people say you did with Zara.”

  What had possessed me to say the truth? My hands flew up to my mouth and I stifled a gasp. But I turned to him with open eyes, hoping he’d be able to deny the rumors that had been circulating about him for so long.

  But he didn’t.

  The longer he was silent, the more my confidence in him waned.

  He sat there for a full minute without saying a word, and then he nodded. “So to earn your trust, I have to prove to you that I’ll still be your friend, even after you beat me at state?”

  I gave a low, uncertain laugh.

  Grayson nodded. “I can do that. Just you wait. Two weeks. I’ll be patient.”

  His comment made goose bumps rise along my arm. My butterflies came back in full force, but I reminded those butterflies that Grayson had said friend and that he was interested in someone else. And so was I. Maybe? I didn’t even know anymore.

  “I still think you should ask to meet him again,” Grayson said, his thoughts obviously following the same path mine had taken.

  I sighed.

  “Maybe this time will be different.”

  He pulled up to my apartment complex and parked the car. I didn’t open the door, not wanting to leave quite yet. I unbuckled my seat belt and turned to face him.

  “I live in the land of reality,” I said. “Dreams are great and all, but maybe it’s better to accept the facts and move on.”

  Nothing was working out the way I wanted it to, when it came to my love life at least.

  “That’s pretty pessimistic, don’t you think?”

  I shrugged. “Pessimism, optimism, I don’t know. I can’t help hoping for the happily ever after even though I know it doesn’t really happen all that often.”

  His eyes were soft as he considered me. “I don’t think that’s true. I mean, you got accepted into your dream college, didn’t you?”

  It was sweet that he was trying to cheer me up, but the news he’d delivered about things going well with his crush basically made it so I couldn’t think positively even if I tried. I shifted my weight so I was leaning against the car door and facing him.

  I shrugged. It was time to steer the conversation away from me. I was pretty sure if I let this continue, I’d spill all my feelings for Grayson, even though that was a mistake. “Do you know where you’re going yet?”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “If my mom had her way, I’ll be shipped off to Princeton to study politics, literally following in her footsteps.”

  I waited without saying anything, sensing there was more.

  “I haven’t heard back from Princeton yet,” he said. “But I may or may not have sent in an incredibly awful essay in an attempt to sabotage my chances.”

  This made me smile. “Really?”

  He nodded.

  “Why don’t you tell your mom you don’t want to go there?”

  He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side. “You’ve met her. You try telling her your own plan when she has something else in mind. She’s like a force of nature.”

  I didn’t have a response to that, which made Grayson laugh.

  “Okay,” I said. “So, if you don’t want to study politics, what do you want to major in?”

  Grayson drew in a breath and let it out. “Maybe one of these days I’ll tell you.”

  I smacked his arm again. “So full of secrets! You never tell me anything.”

  “That’s not true,” he said. “I tell you more than I tell anyone else.”

  My heart grew about twenty sizes with that revelation. I could feel it swell inside me, almost as much as I could feel the blush creeping across my cheeks.

  “Really?” I knew my
smile was impossibly big, but I didn’t care. It was funny how my emotions could go on such a roller coaster within only a few minutes. Well, maybe funny wasn’t the word for it. “Will you at least tell me where you want to go?”

  He paused, then said “Boise State” in a rush.

  “No way! That’s where I’m going. To study marketing.”

  Truthfully, I always pictured him in a place like Princeton or Harvard. If you had the money and grades, why wouldn’t you take that opportunity?

  “Really?” Grayson brought a hand to the back of his neck. “I’ve never wanted to go to school in the east. I’ve visited a few times with my mom, and everything is so different. The culture, education, everything. I think if anything, my mom’s taught me to love Idaho a little too much, because I can’t imagine leaving. I like the pace here. Plus, why waste that much money on an Ivy League education if I don’t even want it? Lots of other people would kill for that spot, so I say, let them have it.”

  “What will you do if you get in to Princeton?” I asked.

  “Hide my acceptance letter from my mom.” He laughed.

  “She seems like the type of parent who’d have access to your email. Maybe she’s already set up a filter to forward college emails to her own account.”

  “She’s in meetings enough that hopefully I can delete it before she ever sees it.”

  “Solid plan.” I nodded. “It’s not like she’ll ask you about it or anything.”

  He sighed. “I know. Eventually, I’m going to have to face her. It’s not that she’s unreasonable. She’s just … well, you said it best. She’s intimidating. She has a lot of expectations for me, and I respect her opinion and don’t want to let her down. My grandparents came from nothing and my mom expects me to make something of myself just like she has. The American dream and all that. She’s worked too hard for me to have a better life for me to throw it all away.”

  “It’s not throwing it away if you have a different dream,” I murmured. But I was barely paying attention to the conversation anymore, because I was thinking back to how 15211 had mentioned his parents wanting him to become the next president of the United States. Grayson’s mom wanted him to be a politician, and those two things were pretty close. I couldn’t remember the rest of the letter off the top of my head, it had been so long ago, but I looked over at Grayson to see if maybe there was something else he wasn’t telling me.