Remember You This Way

by C. R. Jane

  A note drops on my desk while my English teacher drones on about an assignment due next week. I don’t bother looking at it. I just swipe it off my desk and throw it in my bag to toss away later. I’m never sure who the notes are from since they come from all over the room. You would think that they would have given up by now since I don’t open them anymore.

  The bell rings and I hustle out of class. I have to talk to my calculus teacher about an extra credit assignment, and I have to do it before my next class starts. I’m almost to class when an arm lands in front of me and a hard body pushes me against the lockers.

  “Where are you off to in such a hurry?” comes the gruff voice of one of my frequent harassers. Tyler Bradshaw. He’s the school’s starting quarterback and would be the school’s golden boy if everyone wasn’t so obsessed with the resident rockstars. He brushes his nose against the side of my face, and I shiver in disgust. He’s done this enough for me to know that it’s best if I don’t move. As long as I let him say whatever he wants to say without giving him a reaction he usually gets frustrated and gives up. I’m not sure how he manages to time our interactions to when the guys are nowhere to be found, but he’s quite good at it.

  “When are you going to let me take you out, sweet thing?” he asks. He’s a good-looking guy with his dirty blonde hair and piercing brown eyes. In the past I would have been shocked and awed if a guy like him paid me any attention. It kind of ruins the appeal however when you know someone is just paying you attention because they want in your pants because they think you’re an easy lay. His hand slowly descends down my neck and I start to get worried, he’s never gone so far before. It keeps on going until he’s stroking the skin right above my bra.

  That’s when I start to struggle. “Get away from me,” I spit at him as I try to move out of his arms. Flashbacks of the times my stepfather has gotten this close to me rip through my mind making me feel nauseous and desperate.

  I hear a whistle, and he abruptly drops his hands and steps away from me. He gives me a knowing wink before he jogs away leaving me by myself. The bell rings as the hall starts to empty. I glare at all the cowards around me who are looking away from me. Classy place this is. I see what the whistle was about when Jensen comes around the corner. He sees me leaning against the lockers and a slow, easy grin crosses his face. Seeing him smile would usually make my day, but right now I’m so shaken up that it doesn’t make me feel anything.

  As he gets closer, he must see that something is wrong because he quickens his step until he’s leaning over me against the lockers. It’s the exact same position as what I was just in with Tyler, but while Tyler made me feel dirty, Jensen’s proximity just makes me feel safe.

  Jensen leans his forehead against mine. “What’s wrong, baby?” he asks. It’s the first real interaction we’ve had since the other night, and I’m relieved that he’s acting normal. We’ve texted a bit, but I haven’t been brave enough to bring up the craziness of dinner at his house yet. I know what it’s like to come from a shitty place, and when I’m away from my shitty place, I don’t like to talk about it. I figured that Jensen is probably the same.

  “Why was Tyler Bradshaw talking to you?” he asks when I don’t answer his question. I want to tell him the truth, about everything that’s been going on, but I stupidly don’t. The insecure girl inside of me is afraid that eventually my problems will be too much, and they’ll drop me. I don’t want to give them any more reasons for them to see how weak I really am.

  “Just making small talk,” I whisper, looking away from him as I lie.

  “I don’t want guys like that messing with you. If you have a problem with him or anyone else, you come to me, understood?” he says, forcefulness in his voice.

  “Okay,” I whisper. His eyes are wide as they flicker back and forth between mine, trying to read me. I cough and he loosens his grip on my arms. His gaze strays to my mouth and I watch as he wets his lips. “Shit, I’m not trying to scare you. I just can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt.”

  I pick up my bag from the ground, realizing how late I am to class. Then, it’s as if I’m possessed because I for some reason stand up on my toes and brush my lips across his cheek. I can feel his breathing quicken. “I can handle myself, Jensen,” I mutter as I move to walk away.

  With a growl ripping from his chest, he catches my elbow and brings me in close again. With his other hand, he takes the bag from me and sets it back on the floor. “We’re late for class,” I whisper. He ignores me, pulling me close until I’m pressed tight against his chest. My body starts to quiver in anticipation when he draws his mouth close to mine.

  “What are you doing to me? I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind ever since the day I first saw you. There’s something about you…I don’t know what it is, but I want more of you,” he tells me.

  My eyes close and I shake my head in small little movements. His name falls from my lips in a breathy voice that embarrasses me. I open my eyes again, and his beautiful eyes pin me down, a tight knot coiling inside of me. I know he can see just how hard it is to let myself fall. Even with everything we’ve already shared, I still can’t help but hold a part of myself back.

  “What are you afraid of?” he asks, although he already knows the answer. I’m afraid I’m going to fall, and they are going to hurt me. I’m afraid that he’s a player that’s way more skilled at this than I am.

  “Stop questioning this,” he whispers, pulling a strand of hair away from my face. “What I’m feeling for you is new to me, but I’m ready to fight for it.” He meets my mouth, wrapping his fingers in my hair and drawing me close in a desperate way that gives me hope he’s been thinking about our kiss at the pizza place just as much as I have. At first the kiss is softer than I would expect from him, like a quiet whisper. Then he digs his hips into mine and my lips part, encouraging him to explore my mouth with his tongue. He pushes into me and it feels like he’s claiming me, like he wants to claim every last inch of me. My chest expands against his with heavy breaths and we meld into one, my arms locking around his neck as if I have no intention of ever letting go. His fingers shape to the fine contours of my skull like I’m made of glass. For a second, I don’t know where I start, and he ends. It feels like we’re one being.

  It’s different from Jesse’s kisses. Jesse has from the start always been so free and open with his emotions while Jensen’s emotions have always seemed to be buried deep inside of him. One’s no better than the other. But this kiss from Jensen seems like I’ve somehow succeeded in unlocking a part of him that he keeps from everyone. It’s like I have won a battle that I didn’t even know was being fought.

  A throat clears from down the hall, and I see that it’s the principal, Mr. Hardy. “Don’t you two have class?” he asks, and my cheeks flush with embarrassment. Although I’m sure that a normal student would probably get detention from being caught in the halls in such a compromising position, it seems that the influence of the guys strikes again because Principal Hardy doesn’t say anything else. Jensen takes his time skimming one more kiss across my lips, my cheeks, and the tip of my nose before I finally take back control, grab my bag, and hustle away. It’s a miracle, but somehow the teacher of my next class had left the room briefly to get some materials and I was able to slip into class with only the eyes of the students on me. For the next hour, the litany of notes and comments didn’t stop, but I didn’t care. All I could think about were Jensen’s lips, his rough words, and the fact that he seemed to like me...maybe even more than like me.

  My high lasted until math, one of my classes with Amberlie. She had a disapproving look on her face from the second that I saw her, and I wasn’t sure what was wrong.

  “Hey girl,” I finally said. Amberlie had become a good friend since the start of school, the best friend that I had ever had if I was being honest with myself.

  When she simply sighed in reply, I wasn’t sure what to do. One thing about Amberlie, she was always bubbly, always on,
always happy. Maybe it was a cheerleading thing. So, for her to be so non-Amberlie like...I must have done something bad.

  I couldn’t ask any questions for the first half of class because of the teacher’s lecturing, but as soon as we were supposed to start working with partners on some problems, I scoot my desk next to hers.

  “Ok, what’s the problem?” I ask. She rolls her eyes but says nothing, pretending like she is starting on the problems we were assigned.

  “Amberlie,” I say gently. I wasn’t sure what to do in these situations. I’d never had a close girlfriend but since I now had one, I didn’t want to lose her. “What’s wrong?”

  “Why haven’t you said anything to the guys about what’s been happening?” she finally snaps, anger glittering in her eyes.

  Now it was my turn to get quiet. This was not something I wanted to talk about, especially after what had just happened with Jensen.

  “I’m handling it just fine,” I finally tell her with a sigh when I can feel the weight of her stare on me. Right at that moment another note flies onto my desk. Amberlie snatches it before I can get to it and she opens it up and reads it. It’s a particularly nasty one describing in detail what the sicko wants to do to me. It gets quite violent at the end, and I turn away without finishing it.

  Amberlie looks sick to her stomach. “Is this what they all have been saying?” she asks. I shrug, trying to look like I don’t care, but failing. I don’t know how I’m going to get the note’s crude and quite frankly terrifying description out of my head.

  “I haven’t been reading them,” I reluctantly admit.

  “You have to tell someone,” she says, her voice rising loud enough to attract the attention of the rest of the class.

  “I’m handling it,” I tell her firmly again. We spend the rest of class only talking about the problems. When the bell rings, she hurries out of class before I can say anything. I walk to the lunchroom, a knot of dread in my stomach.

  I don’t see any of the guys in the lunchroom, which is strange because they’re almost always there before me. I get in the lunch line, grabbing whatever unfortunate entree I see first since my mind is in a million different places. Someone brushes against me, muttering “slut” as they do so. I’m almost to the cashier, and none of the guys have appeared. It’s a little bit embarrassing, but I actually haven’t paid for lunch since meeting the guys since one of them appeared every day to pay for me.

  When no one appears, I start to get worried. Walking out into the lunchroom, I realize that I have nowhere to sit without them here. The guys’ friends only are nice to me because of them, so sitting at my usual table wasn’t an option, and Amberlie wasn’t anywhere to be found. I guess eating in a bathroom stall will have to work today. I’m on my way towards the double doors of the cafeteria exit when they suddenly swing open, and Jensen, Jesse, and Tanner all walk in.

  They look livid, enraged, scarier than I’ve ever seen them. I finally understand why they seem to run the school and everywhere else in this town. There is a magnetism about them that makes it impossible to look away. The guys walk to the center table, paying no attention to all the people calling out to them. Jensen climbs to the top of the table and the entire lunch room goes silent.

  “Let me be clear about one thing,” he starts in a menacing voice. “It’s come to my attention that many of the people in this room have been messing with something that belongs to us. That ends right now. If I hear about anyone treating Ariana with anything but respect, we’re going to make you wish you had never been born. Do you all understand what I’m saying?”

  No one dares to say anything. I’m embarrassed and overwhelmed with what Jensen just did, but at the same time I’m in awe. No one has ever stuck up for me about anything in the miserable life that I’ve led so far. No one has ever cared.

  Jensen hops off the table and the guys all turn towards me. I hadn’t even realized that they had seen me when they had come in, but I was suddenly getting the feeling that they actually paid a lot more attention to things than I had been giving them credit for.

  Jesse crooks a finger at me to come to them and as if pulled by a string, I go. Jensen puts his hand on my lower back and marches me out of the lunchroom. I can hear the cafeteria erupt in noise as the doors swing shut behind us.

  “Where are we going?” I ask in a nervous voice.

  “We’re skipping the rest of the day. Hope that’s okay with you, Princess,” says Tanner in a sarcastic voice. I know better than to answer. We walk out to Jensen’s Escalade and pile in. I hop into the back before anyone can answer me, sensing that Jensen and Tanner are the scariest in this situation although Jesse doesn’t look like he is much better at the moment.

  No one says anything as we drive. We drive for an hour and a half in silence before I realize that we are driving to the beach. Tanner gestures to something and Jensen turns down what looks like a private driveway. Sure enough, we pass a gorgeous, light blue colored beach house before finally hitting a pristine private beach entrance. The guys get out of the car, and I follow suit. This time Tanner takes my hand and yanks me behind them.

  There’s a campfire set up on the beach with a bunch of chairs set up around it. Tanner motions for me to sit, so I sit. As does everyone else. The silence between us is deafening as I listen to the waves crash against the shore. I have only been to the beach once before. My mom had briefly tried to get clean when I was 5 years old. It only lasted a month but during that month she had actually tried to do mom things. And going to the beach was one of those things. It was one of the very few unsoiled memories of my childhood that I had.

  “Do you know why we’re here, pretty girl,” says Jesse at last, after it feels like we have been sitting in silence for forever.

  “No,” I say hesitantly.

  “Why did Amberlie have to tell us about what’s been going on at school, baby?” asks Jensen in the same menacing voice he had used at school.

  I shrink back in my seat, feeling like a fool. “I was handling it,” I say, lying to them and myself.

  “You shouldn’t have had to “handle” that,” says Jensen angrily. “Amberlie said you were getting notes with rape threats in every class, that girls have been stealing your stuff, that guys have been touching you in the hallways. Is that all true?”

  I pause before answering, taking a deep breath before I do. Figures that Amberlie would say something after she was so mad at me today. I can’t find it in me to be upset with her though. “Yes,” I say stiffly, not looking any of them in the eye.

  “Why wouldn’t you say something?” asks Jesse, sounding more hurt than angry. “We could have stopped that immediately.”

  “Did you not think we could protect you?” adds Jensen. His voice sounds bitter and I think about the fact that it probably was a sore spot for him to feel like he couldn’t be trusted to protect and watch out for someone after what happened to his sister.

  “It wasn’t that,” I tell them, trying to sift through all the thoughts in my head so that they make sense. I look out at the ocean. It’s a perfect day, cool but perfect. The time I had gone to the beach it had been crowded and hot. Today there isn’t another soul around us.

  “It feels like we’re unequal,” I finally say. “You’re always doing things for me, buying things for me, driving me around, taking me everywhere with you. You all seem so far above me, and you give me everything...while I give you nothing.”

  There’s silence for a second before all three start talking at once. Jesse is listing all the things that I contribute to his life, Jensen is yelling at me for being an idiot, and Tanner is ranting about “how I could think that.”

  I can’t help but smile, which sets them all off again. Jensen and Tanner finally fall silent while Jesse keeps on with his list of what he thinks are my finer qualities.

  “I’ve never been able to depend on someone before. I’m not used to it,” I tell them. Jesse stands up, picks me up, and sits down again with me in his lap.


  “Get used to it,” he says, holding me tightly in his arms. Jensen looks grumpy and somehow I know he’s thinking that he should have thought to pick me up first. Tanner is looking out at the waves, a slight frown on his face.

  “No more keeping things from us,” says Jensen finally. I nod and lean back in Jesse’s arms, wondering if life could be as simple as that. That there could be someone out there who you could trust. That I could truly not be alone anymore. It seems like that could be the case.

  The sun is setting. Tanner and Jesse are out trying to surf, so it’s just Jensen and I sitting by the campfire which the guys started. Evidently the house that we passed belongs to Jesse’s family, so we can stay here as long as we want. Jensen’s sitting next to me, my hand is in his lap, and he’s absentmindedly stroking it.

  “We probably should talk about the other night,” he says. “I’m sure Jesse told you the basic story.”

  “He did,” I tell him, sitting up straighter. “But I would never tell anyone.”

  He looks over at me and gives me a sad smile. “Baby, I trust you.” He looks out at the guys surfing. “I trust those two idiots too. You guys are the only ones that I trust to know me.”

  It feels like I’m about as far away as a person can get from knowing him, but I don’t argue with him.

  “I still have nightmares about walking in and seeing her. I still can’t believe that somehow, I missed the signs of how bad she was. I had been spending all my time trying to grow the band. I didn’t pay attention when her boyfriend broke up with her or when my mother said that alcohol had been disappearing from the liquor cabinet. I didn’t pay attention to the fact that she was partying every night and coming back high and drunk. Or at least I tell myself I didn’t notice, but I obviously did since I can make a list like that,” he says with a sarcastic laugh.