Remember You This Way

by C. R. Jane

  Setting me atop, we struggle with needy hands and fingers, tugging and frantically unzipping and then pulling my dress off of me, to reveal my bra and ridiculously tiny thong. They’re both quick to follow the dress.

  His hands engulf my slender waist as he pulls his lips from mine to attack my chest, sucking deep before swirling his tongue along the pebbled tips. I can’t resist the urge to hold his head in place, my legs shaking amid the pounding tempo of my clenching body. “Jensen... ” I cry out in a breathless pant. He groans through a final nibble, his husky breaths slipping through parted lips as he lifts me off the counter, making his way towards the brown leather couch.

  Dropping me to the couch, I yelp, barely able to catch up as he swiftly unbuttons his black skinny jeans. Bending, his large frame looming over me, he spreads my legs with his strong hands, “Is that what you want, baby? You want me to fuck you? Maybe I should make you beg for it.”

  “Jensen…” I gasp again, incapable of any words other than his name apparently, closing my eyes against the sheer decadence of his dominance.

  “Is that a no? You don’t think I should make you beg?” he questions, sliding his fingers along my body.

  “No!”

  “Then tell me who you belong to,” he orders, his tone firm and sexy as hell as he slides his fingers inside me.

  “You!” I scream in absolute frustration and need, gripping his wrist in an attempt to push his fingers deeper, my body bowing with desire. I am his. His, and theirs alone.

  “You’re fucking right, you are,” he growls, pulling his fingers from my depths, kneeling down on the bed between my widespread legs to thrust himself fluidly inside. He owns me in this moment - in every ridge, every ripple I feel against my sensitive nerves. I throb and pulse around him. I will never tire of the feel of him. Never stop wanting him. Never stop loving him.

  “And I’m yours, sweetheart. Always yours,” he whispers huskily, driving us to the brink before we both follow each other off a cliff that signals the start of a whole new journey for us...a whole new world.

  One where Jensen Reid is mine.

  He’s still inside of me kissing the side of my neck when banging starts on the door. It’s starting to become a pattern. But this time it’s not Miranda or some other crew member telling Jensen he’s late for an event, it’s Tanner.

  “Sorry to interrupt, but we need you to come out here, Jensen,” says Tanner. “It’s important.” Tanner sounds anxious and immediately I’m worried about what could have happened.

  Jensen separates from me with a groan, and I immediately miss him, like he’s a part of me that I can’t live without. He grabs a towel from a stack and pours some water over it, walking over to me. He reaches down to clean me, and I’m touched that this gruff, aggressive man could be so gentle. He cleans himself off and then pulls up his pants. I realize that he somehow remained completely dressed while I’m sitting on a couch butt naked.

  I jump up and begin to get dressed as well, a process that Jensen also helps with. Now that he’s popped the cork so to speak, it’s like he can’t stop touching me. After I get the dreaded pink dress on, I let him pull me into his arms. He brushes his lips against mine and starts to make his way across my face and then down my neck.

  “Baby,” he whispers, and his voice is so full of longing and love, something I’ve been desperate to hear from him, that I can’t help but start to tear up. I squeeze him closer until there’s a knock on the door again.

  “Come on man, I wouldn’t ask you to come if it wasn’t important,” says Tanner through the door again.

  Jensen starts to lead me out of the dressing room. Tanner’s waiting by the door with a worried look on his face. “Just you,” he says when he sees that Jensen’s gripping my hand. “It’s band business.”

  Jensen looks at him before turning towards me.

  “Stay in the dressing room. We’ll be right back,” he says. It’s annoying that I’m being told to stay somewhere but the tone he’s using is so sweet that I just nod before going back inside.

  Ten minutes pass, then twenty, and I’m bored and a bit hungry. I open the door and I’m surprised to see a hulking man with more muscles than I thought was possible on a human being standing outside the door with an earpiece on. I try to move past him. He turns and looks at me. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to stay inside. We can get you whatever you need,” he says in a deep voice that fits the bodybuilder thing he’s got going.

  “Who are you?” I snap, getting frustrated and a little nervous about the fact that it seems that I’m not allowed to leave Jensen’s dressing room.

  “Part of your security team, ma’am. We just arrived. Mr. Reid will be by to collect you soon.”

  Collect me? What kind of crap was that? Figuring that I wouldn’t be able to get past Mr. Muscles, I go back into the dressing room, slamming the door childishly to show my displeasure. I get out the phone that the guys’ bought me and start to scroll through pictures of tonight’s performance that the guys have been tagged in by fans. I feel a flutter in my chest when I see that there’s just as many pictures of me performing tonight as there are of the guys.

  As I scroll through the pictures, many that look like they were taken just a few feet away, a sick sense of dread comes over me. Gentry hates Instagram, so surely he wouldn’t see any of this, but there’s enough wives in our town that are obsessed with the band that one of them is going to see these pictures, and they’re probably going to get back to Gentry.

  I want to curse Jensen, but I can’t. Tonight, was a memory that I want to treasure forever no matter the consequences. I performed on stage in front of thousands of people. And they actually loved it. And then I had hot makeup sex with one of the boys I’ve loved for forever. Yes, I didn’t want to forget a second.

  And besides, I reasoned with myself, there’s no way Gentry is going to get past Mr. Muscles and the crew he has with him. Everything is going to be fine.

  It’s an hour before the guys come to collect me. They look somber and subdued, none of the boisterous excitement present that they usually have after shows. Jesse walks in and pulls me into his arms. His touch feels desperate as if he’s afraid that I’m going to disappear if he lets me go. Tanner looks noticeably subdued as he leans against the wall, not taking his eyes off me for a second. And Jensen...Jensen looks moody...and guilty. I hate that look on him.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, looking around the room. Tanner drops his eyes from me, and no one answers my question. “You’re scaring me,” I finally say.

  Tanner finally speaks up. “Nothing to worry about, princess. Just an over eager fan causing issues. We’ve got food coming to the bus, and I’m beat. Let’s head out.”

  I know that they’re lying, and it sucks. I should press them for more but suddenly I’m tired as well. It’s been an emotional day of highs and lows.

  As we walk through the greenroom, I notice that there’s a party going on. The crew, roadies, and backup musicians are dancing and drinking with what looks like a bunch of the girls from the meet and greet earlier. Everyone calls the guys’ names as we pass by but the guys just wave. I do notice that Tanner gets stiff as we pass a table where a few girls are snorting some white powder off the table, but he keeps on walking. The big guy from before is joined by a few other huge gentlemen dressed in black. They walk in front of us and behind us as we walk out of the room and through the tunnel. One of them goes onto the bus before us and we’re not allowed to get on the bus until he returns and gives the all clear.

  “Was that normal?” I ask as I snuggle into Jesse on the couch. Tanner’s rooting around in the fridge when he answers. “We can never be too careful on big tours like this. We’ve all had stalkers and fans who would do anything to get near us. Jesse even had a woman threaten to kill herself in front of him once if he didn’t sleep with her.”

  I gasp at the story and pull Jesse closer to me. “It’s just a precaution, pretty girl,” Jesse murmurs,
but he sounds distracted, and I can’t help but notice that Jensen hasn’t said a word.

  A knock sounds on the bus door and Tanner goes over to it, looking through the glass before opening the door to get the delivery of Chinese food that their assistant ordered for us.

  We spend the next hour eating more orange chicken and fried rice than I’ve ever seen while somehow watching an Avengers movie that hasn’t come out in the theatres yet. These guys really do live a whole different life.

  I’m laying with my head in Tanner’s lap while Jesse holds my feet as we finish the movie. Jensen is on the couch across from us and I’m acutely aware of the distance he’s trying to create.

  “What would you be doing right now if I wasn’t here?” I ask suddenly, and then immediately regret my question.

  “Partying,” Tanner replies. I sit up and turn to look at him. “So, you’re not partying tonight because of me?” I ask, feeling guilty.

  Jesse clears his throat and I see him shoot Tanner a look out of the corner of my eye. “We wouldn’t have partied with the crazy fan tonight. He was just saying in general.”

  Jensen stands up suddenly. “I’m going to bed,” he says, beginning to walk away. He stops before he leaves the room and turns and looks back at me. “Will you sleep with me tonight?” he asks. “I promise we can just sleep.”

  I feel a profound sense of relief from his request. I was beginning to think that we were going to go backwards again based on his sullen attitude. It didn’t seem like a big deal to skip one night of partying, but I had been thinking that he had realized how much my presence was going to hinder his life somehow during his meeting with the band. Judging by the pleading look of love in his eyes right now, that wasn’t the case.

  “I would love to,” I tell him, getting off the sofa.

  Jesse groans. “I get you tomorrow night,” he tells me. I want to invite Tanner and Jesse to come with us. I obviously have a problem since I miss them whenever we’re not in the same room. But Jensen seems like he needs some alone time tonight and that’s the only way to make this unique relationship of ours work is to balance all of their needs.

  “Of course,” I whisper to Jesse as I give him a kiss. I lean in to kiss Tanner next and he deepens it by pulling me into his lap. My heart is racing a bit as I reluctantly remove myself from his lap and walk towards Jensen. He takes my hand and leads me to the back bedroom.

  It’s the most normal night I’ve had with them I realize as we stand side by side in one of the small bathrooms and brush our teeth. It’s a different kind of closeness and I love it. The last few days have felt like nothing but drama. This is the first time that it feels like an almost normal relationship. If a normal relationship was with three gorgeous rockstars and people normally slept in their super tricked out bus during their world tour. That kind of normal.

  Since I haven’t gotten any clothes beyond the pink dress set I received tonight, I slip on one of Jensen’s t-shirts to sleep in. Jensen doesn’t take his eyes off of me as he slips off his shirt and jeans, leaving him in nothing but a tight pair of briefs that leave very little to the imagination. The fact that I don’t have to imagine how impressive he is underneath those briefs makes me blush and avert my eyes despite the fact that he was literally inside of me just a few hours ago.

  He gives a low throaty chuckle that only makes me want him more. Despite the fact that my body is burning for him after his little strip tease, he remains true to his word and just holds me. As I’m falling asleep wrapped in his arms, he whispers something in my ear. It sounds like he says, “I’ll always keep you safe,” but why would he be worried about that now? I fade into dreamland before I can ask any questions.

  (Jensen)

  Only in my wildest imagination did I ever think I would have this gorgeous creature in my arms again. I don’t dare fall asleep because I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to miss how she presses herself against my chest even in her sleep. I don’t want to miss her soft sighs or her sweet breaths. I don’t want to miss how she looks totally relaxed and open while she sleeps, so different from the girl who during the day is often so closed off. When my pride finally broke and I had her in my arms tonight, it’s as if a door was opened and on the other side of the threshold stood both my past and my future. A future that up to now, I’ve spent 5 years desperately trying not to want.

  I love her. I love her with every ounce of my soul and when I think of the danger I put her in tonight….my heart clenches in my chest painfully. I sigh and rest my forehead against her hair, causing her to stir briefly. I’ll die before anything happens to her.

  8

  Now

  I stand in front of the mirror looking at myself. I’ve been a brunette my whole life but I’m suddenly desperate for a change. It doesn’t feel like me anymore. And the fact that Gentry will be looking for a brunette is just another reason why I should make a change now.

  I look at the box in my hand and take a deep breath. I was too scared to try and bleach my hair with a box kit so I bought a box of black hair dye thinking it would be easier. The girls in high school had always had sleepovers where they dyed each other’s hair, coming back to school the next day looking totally different. It couldn’t be that hard to do.

  Taking one last look at the old Ari, I get to work. I’ve never used any kind of dye so I’m sure I look ridiculous applying it. After I’ve got it covering all my hair, I have a momentary freak out about how dark it looks. What if I end up looking like some kind of goth chick and the guys kick me off the tour from embarrassment? Taking a deep breath, I turn away from the mirror, nervously counting down the time to when I can wash it.

  There’s a knock on the door. “Everything alright, Princess?” asks Tanner. “Your stomach feeling okay?”

  Lovely. He thinks I’m taking a crap in the tour bus. I cringe, despite the fact that he can’t see me. “I’ll be out soon,” I tell him. “Feeling fine,” I add.

  “We have to go do soundcheck. Will you be okay meeting us in the greenroom?” he asks. “Security is waiting right outside the bus to take you.”

  I roll my eyes thinking of the hulking giants that have become my constant companions when the guys are busy with commitments. “No problem,” I respond. I hear him walk away, and I give a sigh of relief as I realize it’s time to wash out the dye.

  I get in the shower and watch as the water turns black from the dye. I stand in the scalding hot water until the water finally runs clear and then, wrapping a towel around me, I step out of the shower and look in the mirror. It’s dark and my freak out continues, but I force myself to calm down while I blow dry it. The color lightens up as I dry it, and I start to have hope. I put on some makeup, putting more eyeliner on my eyes than usual but feeling like the dark hair requires it. I put on some red lipstick for good measure, and then I take a step back from the mirror to take a look at myself.

  I look good. And completely different. I had always thought of myself as having a girl next door kind of look about me, but this girl looking at me from the mirror is no girl next door. She’s the star of the show. It’s like I’ve put on a costume and all of a sudden become a braver, sexier version of myself.

  “I can be this girl,” I whisper.

  Taking one last look in the mirror, I crack the door open and peer out to see if anyone’s in the main room of the bus. Seeing that there’s no one there, I walk to the back bedroom where I’ve been storing my stuff, and I open up the closet.

  When Miranda conveniently “forgot” to order me new clothes, Tanner had their personal stylist go out and get me an entirely new wardrobe since I couldn’t exactly drop by Gentry’s house and pack my clothes up. My wardrobe now reflected the style of what a “rockstar’s girlfriend” should look like as the stylist had snootily told me after seeing my reaction to some of her picks. The stylist didn’t realize that my reaction hadn’t been bad, it had just been awestruck. For years I had been wearing pink, pearls, and paisley. I still hadn’t fully been
able to accept that it wasn’t my life anymore. There was no pink in the stylist’s picks. And definitely no pearls. The new clothes hadn’t fit who the old Ari was, but they definitely fit the new Ari. Feeling daring, I choose a black corset that I pair with a pair of skin-tight black jeans. Sky high black heels with red bottoms complete the look. It’s like I’ve stepped into a disguise, and I’ve been given permission to be anyone but myself for the night.

  Taking a deep breath, I head out of the tour bus, careful to press the code to lock it up behind me. I’m gratified that my new look is a good one by the fact that my security team takes a double take when they see me. I think Johnson, the security team leader, could actually be described as looking shocked by my new look.

  “Ms. Thorne?” one of the guys asks, swallowing hard. That was another change. I was permanently stuck with the name Olivia Thorne for the duration of the tour until my divorce from Gentry was finalized, and the guys felt I was safe. Jensen’s made up pseudonym for me had stuck.

  To the newspapers requesting interviews after the show I was just the mysterious ingenue that had disappeared just as quickly as I had appeared. Miranda had made quick work with the band’s publicity team in making sure that I disappeared from the headlines after that next day. I was hoping that I would get another chance to perform with the band, but ever since that first night they had seemed overly cautious about everything without telling me why. Maybe my new look would get them to stop treating me with kid gloves.