Absolution

by Jennifer Laurens

  Luke eyed me. “You have to promise, Z. I promised her I wouldn’t and I can’t go back on it.”

  He looked so determined and fiercely protective, my heart softened.

  “Only if you tell me everything.”

  He shook his head. “Forget it.”

  I headed for the house phone. “Then I report the assault.”

  “Crap, Zoe, you’re such an idiot sometimes.” He threw my phone across the room and I grabbed it.

  “He hit you!” I squeezed the cell phone in my fists. “And you’re going to let him get away with it? You’re going to let him continue to rape her?”

  Luke shuddered. “Don’t say it like that.”

  “That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

  “She just told me about it,” his voice rose. “What kind of ass would I be if I turned around and snitched on her?”

  “You’re not snitching on her Luke, you’re saving her. He’s going to continue to molest her until he’s locked up.”

  He averted his eyes. Luke headed for the couch and fell onto it with a moan, turning the bag of frozen peas over on his blackening eye.

  I joined him at the couch but remained standing, too angry to relax.

  Albert slowly moved closer. I shot him a warning glare to keep his distance which he, of course, disregarded. “Call the cops,” Albert hissed. “Call them.”

  “She’s so sweet…” Luke’s voice softened. “She doesn’t deserve this.”

  Luke rested his head on the cushion and closed his eyes. “You know those people you connect with right away? You feel it, inside. She’s one of those people.”

  I bit my lower lip. Luke’s feelings for Krissy were deeper than I thought.

  I tried not to be alarmed. I didn’t know how much time Luke had spent with Krissy, but whatever the time had been, their association had made an impact on him. Of the two of us, it was Luke who’d brought home the occasional stray animal, tried to save dying baby birds and couldn’t bear killing a grasshopper. His caring heart was big and tender, a characteristic he’d tried to cover up with drug abuse, unable to deal with his natural gift of compassion.

  Albert stood to the side of the couch as if waiting for Luke or me to explode again so he could jump on the rocket of fireworks.

  “For all the crap she’s lived with,” Luke went on, his voice drained of anger now, “she’s amazingly innocent.”

  “How did she get around to telling you about… everything?” I sat down next to him.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll just get angry again.”

  “Oh, do ask him for more details,” Albert piped with enthusiasm. “He doesn’t need much to be pushed over the edge.”

  “As if you’d know.”

  Luke stared at me, then bolted to his feet, started for the stairs. “I’m sick of your talking.”

  “I’m sorry,” I blurted. “I need to tell you something. Luke?” He ignored me. “Luke, stop for a second and listen to me.”

  “I’m done here.”

  I clenched my teeth. “What are you going to tell Mom and Dad when they ask you about your eye?”

  He was halfway up the stairs. “That you slugged me.”

  I ground my teeth. Luke’s bedroom door slammed and I turned my fury on Albert. “Get out!”

  “I’m growing rather fond of your family.”

  “Why? Because you lost your own?” I marched closer to him, ignoring flashes of warning in my head to keep distance between us.

  Albert’s shoulders lifted. “Family is overrated. Female companionship…

  now that’s something else altogether. Ask Matthias.”

  “Liar.” What I didn’t know about Matthias’ life and loves stung, a pinch I felt afresh any time I thought about it. So I fought thinking about it. I should have known Albert would bring up Matthias. “I think you hang around here because you want what you can’t have. It’s sick, yes, but that’s you.

  A sick, voyeuristic opportunist who leeches what he will never get. By the way, what happened to you at the hospital?” I cocked a brow at him.

  Albert’s gaze hardened.

  A sudden shock of energy sucked every last ounce of oxygen from the air. I couldn’t breathe. Mouth gaping, heart pounding, my gaze connected with Albert’s. Fear paralyzed my limbs. My heart raced like a butterfly caught in a jar. Panic took hold of my soul until warm heat pressed into my back.

  Rays of light bathed me from behind, and every muscle in my body loosened. Albert’s gaze shifted to something behind me. Matthias. I felt him, and knew he was there without needing to confirm with a look.

  “Leave.” His serene voice filled the room.

  Albert’s nostrils flared. His sharp gaze remained fixed over my shoulder.

  A second passed, then he dissolved before my eyes.

  I turned and flung myself into Matthias’ arms.

  “Zoe.”

  “I know, I know. I got carried away. I—I’m sorry.”

  His hand stroked my hair. “Please don’t entertain him again.”

  “Entertain?” I choked out. “I was hardly entertaining him.”

  He stepped back, cupping my face. “You know what I am talking about. You enable him by confronting him.”

  I nodded, grasping his wrists and closing my eyes. I savored his nearness. “I couldn’t talk.” My throat felt like Albert’s hands were wrapped around the tender flesh. “I’ve never been so scared.”

  “Remember, he can’t touch you. He uses fear because it paralyzes. It’s much easier to capture a frozen soul than a moving one.”

  “So I just need to not be afraid of him.” I swallowed. “He can’t make me do anything. He can’t.”

  Matthias nodded. “Now you’re on the trolley.”

  “It sounds easy but it’s so hard.” Staring hell in the face was the most terrifying thing I’d ever done, and I was doing it over and over again, facing Albert. I should be getting better at it.

  Matthias’ thumb grazed my chin. “You’re…” His soothing tone softened, he swallowed. “Amazing.”

  “He keeps bringing up you…and women.” My voice faltered. Please don’t think I’m weak, wondering about your past. Please.

  Matthias closed his eyes for a moment. I searched his expression, my heart trembling. “What happened?”

  My mind flashed with pretty painted faces, women laughing.

  “That’s your imagination, not my memory,” Matthias spoke in earnest.

  “Zoe, my life, those choices I made, the people I knew…they’re part of a past I don’t care to dwell on.”

  Faint images ghosted through my mind. One in particular—a woman with dark hair cropped to her chin—chestnut eyes, huge and beguiling, appeared for only a flash and then vanished. I wanted to see more of her. Who was she?

  Matthias’ strong palms gripped my shoulders. “Have you done things you’re not proud of?”

  “Of course.”

  “Once you’ve put them behind you, you want them behind you.”

  “I know, but if there was something about me you really wanted to know, I’d tell you.”

  His blue eyes dove deeper into mine, so deep, so questioning I almost turned my face away, ashamed. How could I demand something of him he clearly wanted to keep private and protect me from?

  His grip on my shoulders lightened. “Contrary to my father’s insistence, I was not the man about town he claims. After my mother left us, he was hard boiled, finding solace with any Jane who came along. Whereas my taste was more… dangerous.”

  “Dangerous?”

  Again, the face flashed across my mind: innocent doe-eyes, short dark hair, red pouty lips.

  “Who was she?”

  Matthias’ steady gaze held mine in unblinking dissection of my soul.

  Why are you doing this to him? “Forget it,” I said. “I’m sorry. You’re right.

  I shouldn’t make you share something that obviously brings you pain.”

  “It’s not pain. I don�
�t want you hurt over a phantom.”

  I stepped away, a sliver of cold unworthiness cutting into me. “I’ll try not to think about you and your… past.”

  But even as I said the words, I waited for more memories. The face…

  such captivating eyes. Whoever she was, she was beautiful. Jealousy sprang into my system like a wildcat on the hunt. Stop this.

  “She’s someone who doesn’t matter anymore.” His hands once again rested on my shoulders.

  “Where is she?”

  Any suspicion still prowling through me was momentarily satiated by the look of grim finality pulling his features taut. Still, curiosity scratched away at every catty female part of me that, in spite of his angelic nature, continued nipping at me.

  “Well,” I tried smiling, hoping to lighten the mood I’d hefted like a log between us, “as long as she’s not up in heaven tempting you.”

  “The only sheba tempting me is you.”

  Images of women crawling all over Matthias lodged in my brain. Like a celebrity mobbed by adoring fans, the women in my fantasy clawed at his clothes, kissed his face and ripped into him with lusty desire. Worse was the image that he smiled, had that lulled, aroused expression as if he enjoyed the adulation. The images shamed me. I couldn’t meet Matthias’ gaze. Surely, he saw the scene.

  I moved away, turned, giving him my back. I closed my eyes and willed the images not to grow more sordid. But Albert’s suggestion that Matthias had savored women in his life planted wretched seeds that now sprung wild pictures of tangled bodies lusting after one another.

  No, no, no. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I repeated the phrase over and over. But the pictures remained, winding on an endless loop of sweaty nakedness. I kept my back to him.

  “Zoe.” His soft voice penetrated the licentious show in my head.

  I swallowed. “I’m sorry. I’m human.”

  “He’s doing this to you.”

  How could I be sure the images in my head weren’t Matthias’? We could read each other’s thoughts, after all. They had to be his. Had to be. A shot of anger bolted through me that he’d recalled the memories, let alone lived them.

  I turned. Stared. Tried to decipher.

  After all this time, don’t you think I have more control than that? And I’d never lie to you.

  Another slug of shame hit me in the stomach but was replaced by an overwhelming cloud of distrust. “Sure, you have control but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen—and the fact that you won’t talk about it means you have something to hide.”

  Matthias’ crystal blue eyes narrowed. “That’s Albert, Zoe.”

  Fear scurried through my veins. I didn’t want Albert here, and I most definitely did not want him slipping inside and taking me over because I was turning into some crazy female. What was happening to me?

  I grabbed my head, sunk to the mattress and let out a groan. Matthias was right. I knew he was right. But I wanted to satisfy the craving I had inside to know his past. I wanted to see that woman. Know about their relationship.

  Teenage girls thrived off gossip like hard candy, slowly sucking each morsel for detail.

  I took a deep breath. I can think about you and other women without Albert influencing me. I can get beyond this.

  Silence.

  I turned, looked up at him. A slice of trepidation cut across his face.

  What did it mean?

  I can, can’t I?

  Silence. Emptiness. His beautiful eyes that had given me comfort with just a look so many times before, now stared into mine. Fear and doubt cut me wide open.

  This can’t be happening. I can’t doubt you. Tears filled my eyes. Matthias knelt before me, his blue eyes deepening to midnight. He took my hands in his. “Look at me.”

  Don’t take your eyes from mine.

  I won’t. Please. Don’t let Albert do this to me.

  Matthias’ grip tightened around my hands. I can be here for you, but you have to choose, Zoe, whether or not to believe me.

  I do believe you. At least I had. Why was I questioning now? My mind seemed possessed. He’s hiding this from you because it’s the truth and no matter how ugly it is, the truth is that he was with other women. What you saw in your head is truth. No it’s not. Don’t be stupid. He’s an angel. Anger started like a fire racing from my toes up my legs, filling my body.

  Disgusted, I pushed to my feet. Walked away. Breath heaved in. Out.

  Nerves wound tight. Tighter. I wanted to scream. I closed my eyes. I can’t be around you right now.

  His power radiated behind me like an inferno. If I turned around, I could touch it. I could try again to look into his eyes and glean some of his soothing comfort.

  He’s not telling you the truth because the truth is exactly what you thought it would be, Zoe. Women. Lots of women. Sex. Intimacy. Nausea filled my throat. I swallowed.

  Zoe, your heart—

  My head was at war with itself. He loves you. You know he does. Why are you doing this to yourself? It’s not like you haven’t had your share of guys, you can hardly judge him.

  “Zoe.” Matthias’ touch on my shoulders caused me to start. His comfort wafted through my body. “See this for what it is—Albert’s efforts to hurt you.”

  Of course that was what it was. Knowing that didn’t remove the resentment lingering in my blood, or wipe the graphic images of my own creation from my mind.

  “Maybe you should leave.” The words left my tongue with the bitterness of profanity.

  Matthias turned me to face him, his palms anchored to my shoulders.

  “I’ll stay until you’re convinced that you’re all that matters to me.”

  “I hate being human,” I mumbled, grasping his hands. Our fingers linked at my shoulders.

  Matthias took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

  Afraid he might think I didn’t want him in my life anymore, I pulled his hands from my shoulders so our hands gripped tight, and brought us chest-to-chest. “I don’t really mean that.” I wanted him in my life no matter the cost. I’d spend the rest of my life fighting Albert’s influence if it drove me to death.

  The sober look on his face told me the unending nature of Albert’s assault might do just that. “I don’t care what Albert tries to do,” I said. “You’re not leaving me.”

  His fingers left my hands to trace my face. “He’ll tear you apart, and that will…” tear me apart.

  “I won’t let him. I won’t. I’m sorry I thought those stupid thoughts. I shouldn’t have.”

  He took me to the edge of my bed, set his hands again on my shoulders and gently eased me down so that we both sat facing each other. “This is where he’s going to dig. Here. With this. He’s going to continue bringing up my past because he knows it will hurt you the most.”

  The very idea tired me, and it had only begun.

  Matthias cradled my hands in his. “Her name was Violet.”

  His clear gaze was as true as it had always been. Why hadn’t I siphoned it moments ago? How could I have let Albert’s influence linger even a moment in my soul, creating frustration, feeding weakness?

  My heart thrummed in my chest. Violet. The woman’s face came into my mind. Pale, flawless skin. Enormous brown eyes. Parted ruby lips.

  Matthias’ expression stiffened a little, like even speaking her name caused him discomfort.

  “Stop,” I blurted. “I don’t have to know anything else.”

  “Her father was Pop’s rival.” His voice remained controlled. Factual.

  I searched his eyes for emotion—old love, pain, regret—anything. But the discomfort I’d just seen was gone and nothing else surfaced. “I thought I loved her. I thought she loved me, but I found out later that she…did not.”

  Gravity thickened the air. Did he know that his grip had closed tighter around my fingers? Matthias glanced at our joined hands and his hold loosened.

  “She was a bad seed, Zoe,” he said. “A mistake for me.”

  “I
’m sorry.” Did she hurt you? How long did you love her? Did you sleep with her?

  “I don’t want Albert using her to get to you in any way, so… I’ll answer your questions.” Prepare yourself for the answers.