The Trustworthy One

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  E.A.’s comment was so wise and, she reckoned, true. If their positions were reversed and she was the one sitting on the bed offering comfort, she would have done the same thing. Actually, she had said almost the very same words to Naomi before.

  But now? Well, at the moment, she wasn’t sure what to do. She felt strangely hollow, like all that was inside her was a bunch of emptiness. She sure didn’t feel like she was in any position to comfort Naomi.

  Looking for the right words, she turned her head to look at E.A. “Do you have much experience with death? I mean, other than Andy?”

  “Nee.”

  “I don’t, either. I’ve had loss and hard times, but I’ve lost only Andy. This feels different, though.”

  E.A. sat down on Kendra’s bed and kicked her feet out. When Blue snuggled next to her, she rubbed her side absently. “I bet it does. You adored Andy and hated your father.”

  The words were so shocking, Kendra laughed. “I canna believe you just said that.”

  “Why? It was obvious there was something special between you and Andy.”

  Yep, E.A. had just sidestepped her father and focused on the boy they both missed so much.

  Remembering a day she’d spent with him back in high school but had never breathed a word about to anyone, Kendra said, “There was something special between me and Andy. Some people thought I had a crush on him, but it wasn’t that. Andy… well, he helped me out one time.”

  “Really?”

  Kendra nodded. “Andy was really kind to me during a time when I sometimes felt really alone. He did me a big favor, and more importantly, he kept that secret.”

  “I’m impressed.” E.A. smiled sadly. “Our Andy really was more than we all knew, wasn’t he?”

  “I always thought so.”

  They sat quietly for a bit, Kendra trying to put a name to the way she was feeling, E.A. looking just as reflective. After a while E.A. spoke again. “Your father never apologized for all the things he did to you, did he?”

  “Nee. I didn’t expect it, though.”

  “Really? Not ever?”

  “I don’t know if he even remembered everything he did. He had a bad drinking problem. Mei mamm used to use that as an excuse, saying he couldn’t be held accountable for his temper or for any of it. I never believed that excuse, though.”

  “Of course not. You were a child, and your parents should have protected you.”

  E.A.’s voice was so sure, so matter-of-fact, that it almost made her smile. If only life were so cut-and-dried. She swiped at a tear rolling down her cheek. “My mother and my brothers came to see me a couple of days ago. They said my father didn’t have much time to live and that I should see him in the hospital.”

  E.A. shifted. “Did you go?”

  “Me? Oh, nee. I said I was still angry at him and didn’t feel anything for him, but that wasn’t the whole truth.” Even though E.A. didn’t prod, Kendra gathered her courage and admitted the awful truth. “I think there’s a part of me that was still afraid of him. Isn’t that something? Even after all this time?”

  “Of course you were. You didn’t know your father could be anything but scary and abusive.” E.A. paused, then continued. “Life with my parents was much different, but I think there’s always an invisible barrier that’s hard to cross. It’s hard to defy them.”

  “I suppose.” She shifted. “I guess what I’m struggling with right now is that all I feel is relief. That’s it. I’m relieved I won’t have to see my father again.”

  “Kendra, that’s okay.”

  “Naomi isn’t going to feel that way. Neither are my other siblings.”

  “So?” When Kendra stared at her in surprise, E.A. continued, “They aren’t children anymore. Not even Naomi. She might be sixteen, but she made the choice to move out of that house and in with your grandparents. Now she just made the choice to leave them and move in with you. She’s a girl who knows her mind.”

  That described Naomi to a T. “I hear you.”

  “And even if she is upset, if they’re all upset, that’s okay. You lived your first sixteen years putting their needs first. Because of that, you took the bulk of the abuse and the least amount of food and who knows what else? They can come to terms with the fact that you are just as human as the rest of your family. You aren’t Kendra ‘Superwoman’ Troyer. You’re just Kendra.”

  She was right. All she could be was herself. Imperfect, fallible, maybe a little broken. But she was also a good person, she knew that.

  “I didn’t know I needed you here, E.A. But it seems I really did.”

  E.A. reached out and held her hand. “I’m glad about that.”

  * * *

  An hour after E.A. went into Kendra’s room, both of them came out. E.A. looked thoughtful. And Kendra? Well, she looked much better.

  As Kendra walked into the kitchen barefoot, her dress wrinkled, and her eyes a little swollen, Nate thought he’d never been more transfixed by anyone. She had to be the strongest person he’d ever met.

  “Danke for staying,” she said quietly. “I appreciate it.”

  “I told him that E.A. and I could handle everything, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Marie said.

  “I only stayed for self-preservation. If I left, all I’d be doing is wondering about you. At least this way I know you are all right.”

  “I am.” She smiled so sweetly, that if they were alone, he would have crossed the room and pulled her into his arms. “Have you seen Naomi?”

  Marie shook her head. “I knocked on her door about a half hour ago and asked if she wanted company. She told me to stay out.”

  “Ouch.” She looked worriedly down the hall.

  “Oh, no you don’t,” E.A. said. “Remember what we talked about?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Kendra replied. “I canna rush over and make everything better. Not anymore.”

  “Good girl.”

  “So, it’s going on a quarter to eleven,” Nate said. “I don’t know about you three, but I’m hungry. I thought I’d make up some omelets. Anyone want one?”

  “You know how to make those?”

  “I grew up in a slightly less traditional house. When we were hungry in between meals, my mother told us to go feed ourselves. Me and my brother got pretty good at boiling noodles and making egg dishes.”

  “In that case, I’d love an omelet,” Marie said. “I was just looking through the kitchen to see what I could come up with.”

  Looking skeptical, E.A. said, “What did you find?”

  “Toast,” she said sheepishly. “I can make a pretty good piece of toast.”

  “We’ll put you in charge of that, then,” E.A. said as she joined Nate behind the counter.

  “What are you going to make?” Marie asked.

  “I’m going to fry bacon of course.” E.A. turned to Kendra. “And before you offer to help, the answer is no, go sit down.”

  Smiling, Kendra sat.

  Nate walked to her and rubbed her back softly. “It’s good to see you smile, Kendra.” Before she could answer, he kissed her brow.

  Though he could tell that E.A. and Marie were smirking at him, he couldn’t care less. He was exactly where he wanted to be.

  THIRTY–TWO

  “Well, there’s a story there, I think. Maybe four or five days after Andy and I spent the day together, I saw him at the park by the high school. He was walking through with a couple of his buddies, and I was taking Chris to the park to play on the swings. We were walking toward each other, and when we got close, I kind of smiled. But Andy looked like he’d never seen me before in his life. He looked right through me.”

  SUNDAY

  A full day had passed since they’d gotten the news. However, Naomi felt so raw and confused inside that she figured it might have only been one hour. Her emotions kept flip-flopping. Sometimes she’d feel a deep loss, and minutes later, she would accept his passing. Then, on its heels was a sense of dismay that things with her father had never act
ually changed. That was the hardest part, she thought. As much as she hadn’t really liked her father, she still loved him. And she’d secretly wished he would one day change and be the man she’d always hoped he would be. Now that would never happen.

  Soon after Nate had told them about Daed, Kendra’s phone had rung. Jeremiah had called to tell them the news. Naomi had overheard Kendra accept the news with little emotion in her tone.

  Later, when she and her sister were alone, Kendra had informed her that Mary was due to arrive the next day. She hadn’t wanted to stay with Kendra, her mother, or even with Chris. Instead, she’d gotten a hotel room at one of the nicest hotels in the area and had sent word that she’d see them at the funeral.

  Which was tomorrow morning.

  Yesterday, Kendra had quietly shared that she wasn’t going to help with the funeral arrangements or do anything other than attend.

  When she’d told Kendra that it didn’t seem right to not help at all, her sister had said that Naomi was free to help all she wanted. Then she had given Naomi the option of staying with her, her grandparents, or even moving in with their mother or Chris while the funeral preparations were underway.

  Naomi had been shocked. Kendra’s actions seemed so callous. When she told her sister that, Kendra had only shrugged and reminded her that she was old enough to do what she wished. She had to make her choices based on what she wanted, not on what Kendra was doing.

  And that, she realized, was the price of growing up. She had to take responsibility for her own feelings and actions. No longer would she be able to blame anyone else for this moment, and that made her uncomfortable.

  Still not sure what she was going to do, she walked into the kitchen early that morning and found Kendra sipping coffee at her small table, Blue sitting next to her.

  On the table was a Bible. Kendra was writing in the margin but stopped when she caught sight of Naomi. Marking her place with a finger, Kendra looked up at her with a smile. “Gut matin. Did you sleep last night?”

  “Better than the last two nights. What about you?”

  “About the same, I guess. For some reason, I was thirsty all night. I kept walking to the kitchen to get ‘one more’ glass of water.” She grimaced. “Then, before I knew it, I was heading to the bathroom just as much.”

  Naomi smiled. That was Kendra. She never put on airs or tried to be someone she wasn’t. “I need a big cup of strong kaffi.”

  “Sounds gut.” Kendra paused, as if she was thinking about saying something else, but she didn’t after all.

  After Naomi filled her cup and added a good amount of milk, she sat down next to her sister. “I didn’t know you read the Bible in the mornings. Or is this only because Daed died?”

  Kendra looked surprised at the question. “No, this isn’t for Daed. I, um, I started reading the Bible when I was in rehab in Columbus.”

  “I didn’t know that.”

  “No reason you would. I don’t talk about it much.”

  Suddenly Naomi knew she needed to hear about it. “Does it help you?”

  “Reading the Bible? Jah.” She paused, then continued. “Some girls in the program had just started partying, then got hooked, I guess. But my counselor knew I had been trying to do whatever I could to forget everything that had happened in our haus. Of course, taking pills and drinking didn’t actually help me forget. All it did was make it harder to move on.”

  Looking wary, Kendra paused again. “Naomi, I’m not very comfortable talking about some of this with you.”

  “If I’m honest, I’m not comfortable hearing about it,” she admitted. “But I still think that I need to know more about that time of your life.”

  “All right, then.” Looking pensive, Kendra took a sip of coffee. “When I was in recovery, I discovered it helped to think of other things when all those bad memories surfaced. So, I started reading the Bible. Every time I couldn’t sleep, I’d simply open it up to a random page and start reading.”

  “Just like that?”

  Her sister laughed softly. “Kind of. I’m gonna be honest—you know how hard it is for me to read—those words weren’t easy for me! It was also especially hard when I would start in the middle of a chapter. I didn’t know who anyone was or what was going on.”

  “Is that why you started writing in the margins?”

  Kendra nodded. “The counselor gave me this Bible, you see. At first, I thought it was too special to use. I’d even get worried if any of the pages got wrinkled. But then I realized that was a silly worry. God’s word is made to be read and absorbed and thought about. I started writing notes. Sometimes, it was just to help me understand the stories or to underline words I needed to learn the definition of. Later, it was reflection.”

  Everything Kendra was saying made a lot of sense, and it also gave Naomi a far better understanding of how Kendra had been feeling. “Why do you do it now?”

  “Well, I think it’s become a habit.”

  “A good habit.”

  “Exactly. I need to do this in the morning, to remind myself how long I’ve been sober and to remind myself that even though something might be hard, I can still do it.”

  “Like reading is for you.”

  “Jah. Or overcoming addiction… or overcoming abuse,” she added softly. “That reminder made me stronger. I really think it helped me feel brave enough to make more friends and even open my shop.” She shrugged. “Maybe reading the Bible has even helped me do something I never thought I would do, too, such as going to a funeral for one of the people who hurt me when I was small.”

  Kendra watched as Naomi again eyed the pages she had just written on.

  “If you would like a Bible, let me know and I’ll get you one to write in. You can give it a try.”

  Naomi thought she would like to try that, but she was a little worried about studying the Bible, too. She wasn’t used to failing, and she really wasn’t used to disappointing her sister. “What if it doesn’t give me comfort like it does for you?”

  Kendra shrugged. “Then it doesn’t. It won’t make me think less of you, Nanny. I’ll still love you no matter what.”

  Maybe it was Kendra revealing her difficulties or maybe it was the way she’d so easily accepted Naomi’s fears, but the time finally felt right to admit what she’d been grappling with for the past two days. “I’m struggling about what to do about the funeral.”

  “I know you are.”

  “I’m worried if I don’t do the right thing I might regret it.”

  “I reckon you are.”

  All of her sister’s statements were so nonjudgmental. Not a one of them gave her any direction! “Kendra, you aren’t helping! Can’t you tell me what to do?”

  “Nope. All I can do is let you figure this out on your own. It’s too important to simply tell you what to do and hope you’ll listen.”

  “But can’t you offer me any advice? Maybe pretend you were in my shoos?”

  “In your shoes, hmm?” She sighed. “Well, all right.” She walked over to the percolator on the counter and poured herself another cup of coffee. “Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would consider my choices first.”

  “That’s easy.” Holding out her fingers, Naomi said, “I can go live with Mamm. I can move in with Chris. I can stay here, or I can go back to living with our grandparents.”

  “So you have four options. Now you have to think of the pros and cons of each. Does that help?”

  “Kind of.” But not really. She wasn’t even sure there were pros or cons for some of her options; she just hated not to consider them.

  Kendra laughed softly. “Oh, Naomi. You are older and smarter, but you’re still the same as when you were a little girl, always wanting everything to work out.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Isn’t it, though? You were hopeful about living with our grandparents. You became Mennonite to please them. Then, when they started pressuring you about Mamm and Daed, you wanted to move in with me. W
hen Chris asked you to visit Daed, you did, even though you didn’t really want to. Now you are considering temporarily moving back home to make Mamm feel better.”

  “It’s not exactly like that.” She was getting annoyed.

  “Naomi, I told you the other day that I’m not going to pave the way for you anymore. I can’t. If you don’t like my opinions or my advice, I’m sorry.”

  Naomi stood up. “I’m going to go for a walk.”

  “All right. I have to go to my shop, but when you’re done walking, I’ll give you three choices: come to the shop to help me, come back home to do laundry and clean, or call up one of your other options and make arrangements to move.”

  “Fine.”

  Kendra stood up slowly. “Danke, Naomi.” She set her coffee cup down and walked to her bedroom.

  Now even more frustrated, Naomi walked out the front door and headed toward the high school. It was Sunday, so no one would be around. And she was glad of it. She wanted to walk on the track and think. She didn’t know how it had become her safe place, but it had.

  As she walked she threw herself a little pity party. She couldn’t believe that after Kendra had told her she needed to look within and choose what was right for herself, she had still gone and given her an ultimatum and told her to make up her mind soon.

  The sad fact was that Kendra really couldn’t relate to her problems. Out of preservation, she’d cut ties with most of the family. But that wasn’t Naomi. She’d walked the tightrope, trying to please everyone, but because of that, she was more confused than ever.

  She’d just done a second lap when she spotted Kane running toward her. She waved shyly, not sure whether he was running to see her or training for football.

  Three minutes later, he was at her side. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to stop.”

  “That’s because I wasn’t sure if you were here to see me or to work out.”

  “You.” He grinned.

  “Why?”

  Some of the confidence shining in his eyes slipped. “Well, because I hadn’t seen you in a couple of days. And because your sister called our house.”