You and Your Gender Identity

by Dara Hoffman-Fox

  Do you already know someone who can be your Cheerleader?

  If you don’t know someone who can be your Cheerleader, where can you go in search of them?

  The Problem Solver

  This is the team member you turn to when you need someone resourceful, organized, and detail-oriented to help you move toward the next step of your journey. Although this team member is not the best at listening, they are excellent at being put to work. Give them a task to get to the bottom of and they will delight in doing so for you. For example, if you haven’t formed your entire team yet, ask your Problem Solver where you can go in search for them and they will come up with a list of websites, clubs, and organizations for you to start with. You may not take every bit of advice from your Problem Solver, but chances are you will end up using enough of it to make this person an essential member of your team.

  Do you already know someone who can be your Problem Solver?

  If you don’t know someone who can be your Problem Solver, where can you go in search of them?

  The Good Listener

  The Good Listener does just that—they quietly listen. They won’t try to offer advice, or try to fix things for you or tell you what you want to hear, or trash-talk whoever is upsetting you. They share space with you compassionately, attentively, kindly, and without judgment. After talking with them you’ll have a feeling of, “Wow, thank you! I feel better being able to let that all off my chest.” The Good Listener is of great benefit to someone who enjoys processing things out loud, and can come to their own conclusions by doing so. It’s like writing in a journal, or talking to yourself, but with a flesh and blood human there to keep you company while you do.

  Do you already know someone who can be your Good Listener?

  If you don’t know someone who can be your Good Listener, where can you go in search of them?

  The Sidekick

  This team member always has your back, without fail. They have strong opinions about those who hurt you and are unapologetic when it comes to how protective they are of you. Their enthusiasm for your well-being may be overwhelming at times, but their consistent loyalty to you makes it well worth it. Although this unwavering devotion may sound a lot like the Cheerleader, the Sidekick is going to have more of an edge to them. For example, if someone upsets you the Cheerleader might say, “Don’t listen to them, they are taking their own crap out on you. You’re awesome!” The Sidekick would be more likely to say, “What??? Where are they? I’ll kick their butt!”

  Do you already know someone who can be your Sidekick?

  If you don’t know someone who can be your Sidekick, where can you go in search of them?

  MAKING THE BEST OF HAVING A SUPPORT TEAM

  • Keep this list handy so you can turn to it easily when in need.

  • Be open to listing someone more than once if they are able to take on more than one role.

  • Tell the people on this list that they are on your team and which role they represent. Chances are they will feel flattered and will take their responsibility as that team member quite seriously.

  • Remember to thank your team members for being a part of your journey.

  • Sometimes your team members might need a break or will even ask to be released from the team. Although this may be difficult to hear, it’s important to respect their boundaries and give them the time and space they are requesting.

  • You are more than likely a team member for someone else in your life or will be at some point in the future. Think about which team member you would be and see that as a unique strength that you have to offer others.

  Use this idea of building a support team in such a way that makes the most sense for you and your journey. Be open to changing your team along the way, based upon your needs and the needs of the team.

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  “CenterLink.” CenterLink Member Gay Lesbian Bisexual & Transgender LGBT Community Centers – Search GLBT. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.lgbtcenters.org/centers/find-a-center.aspx.

  Hoffman-Fox, Dara. “How to Find a Gender Therapist.” YouTube, Ask a Gender Therapist. April 17, 2014. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRh5Ab87y9Y.

  “Reader Q&A: I’m Transgender & Feel Totally Alone - Dara Hoffman-Fox.” Dara Hoffman-Fox. April 17, 2015. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://darahoffmanfox.com/transgender-and-alone/.

  24 Lucas, 1977.

  25 Tolkein, 1965.

  26 Collins, 2009.

  27 John G. Avildsen, The Karate Kid, (St. Louis, MO: Swank, 1985), film.

  28 J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, (London: Bloomsbury Publishing PLC, 1999).

  29 Stan Lee, Uncanny X-Men, (New York: Marvel Entertainment, 1963).

  30 Lana Wachowski and Lilly Wachowski, The Matrix, (Burbank, CA: Warner Bros, 1999), film.

  31 Joss Whedon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, (Los Angeles: Mutant Enemy, March 10, 1997), television show.

  32 Shonda Rhimes, Grey’s Anatomy, (Los Angeles: ShondaLand, March 27, 2005), television show.

  33 Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, (New York: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., 1996).

  Summary of Your Responses for Stage One: Preparation

  Congratulations, you made it through Stage One: Preparation. You’ve done a lot of work to get this far, so let’s reflect on what you have accomplished. This is your chance to look back and consolidate your answers from each chapter. This will give you:

  • An overview of what you’ve worked on so far.

  • A chance to revise anything, now that you’ve had some time to reflect on your answers.

  • A quick and easy way to look at your game plan for greater success on this journey.

  Remember, your recorded answers from this stage of the journey create a living document of your personal history. This means you can go back and change your responses whenever you want, as well as fill in any exercises you were not ready or able to complete.

  Chapter 1: Why Do I Need to Find Out the Truth? (Page 5)

  Are you uncomfortable with your gender assigned at birth socially, physically, and/or mentally?

  YES

  MAYBE

  NO

  Chapter 2: The Role of Fear on Your Journey (Page 12)

  What is your logline?

  Chapter 3: Feeling the Fear and Doing It Anyway (Page 17)

  What are your fears?

  Who is your Bodyguard?

  What days/times do you have set aside to meet with your fears?

  What are the ways you can take a positive approach to your gender exploration?

  In what ways can you be sure you are being kind to yourself throughout your journey?

  Who is your Nurturer?

  Chapter 4: Building Your Support Team (Page 33)

  Who is your mentor(s)? (Either hands-on, hands-off, or both)

  Who are your team members, and what roles do they play?

  STAGE TWO

  Reflection

  Introduction to Stage Two: Reflection

  The tools you acquired from Stage One: Preparation will increase your chances of making it through this journey in one piece. In Stage Two: Reflection, it’s time to start the digging in process and see what you discover.

  In this stage, you will:

  • Explore the origins of your understanding of gender, how you expressed your gender, and how others reacted to you when you did this.

  • Examine the challenges that arose during your adolescence and how they affected your ability to understand your gender identity.

  • Expose any shame or guilt you are carrying with you as a result of the experiences you had during this time period.

  At one point in your life, you were YOU. This was the YOU that existed before the influences of society and human nature came in with their rules, fears, and uncertainties. There are parts of YOU that were hidden away during this time. This YOU is still there and has a lot to say. This YOU is hoping you are ready to listen. These exerci
ses will help establish a direct line of communication with YOU, revealing important information that is essential to your journey.

  TIPS TO KEEP IN MIND DURING STAGE TWO: REFLECTION

  • Continue to practice self-care: These exercises might be difficult. Be sure to follow all suggestions for Pre- and Post-Activity Self-Care.

  • Make note of any issues that come up: Difficult memories might be stirred up while you’re going through these exercises. Make a list of any items you know you will want to revisit with a counselor, a friend, or on your own.

  • There are no right responses: This is your story. It is just as valid as the experience of anyone else who is working through Stage Two: Reflection.

  • Don’t worry about meeting criteria: Today’s model for gender identity is far more about discovery, exploration, and affirmation than it has been in the past. There are physicians, surgeons, and therapists with a gender-affirming approach who understand there’s no simple checklist that determines someone’s gender identity. As you work through this section, stay vigilant to any black-and-white approaches disrupting your discovery process. Let go of labels and diagnoses, at least for now, and give yourself room and freedom to explore.

  • Try not to compare yourself to others: You may have encountered individuals who claimed, “You have to have felt certain things in certain ways at certain times in order to truly have an issue with your gender identity.” This is completely untrue. Comparing yourself to them or anyone else will only bring up unnecessary doubts and confusion.

  • Be patient with yourself: Remember your Bodyguard from Stage One: Preparation? They are beginning to pace nervously up and down in front that Trunk of Secrets. It’s going to take a bit of prodding to convince them to let you open it. Go back to this exercise, as well as your Self-Care Checklist, to remind your Bodyguard why the time is now to open the trunk.

  Chapter 5

  You and Your Gender Identity: Childhood (Ages 3–11)

  In many ways, you were a blank slate when you arrived into this world. However, immediately after your birth, you began to be influenced by those around you. Were these “good” influences or “bad” influences? For the purpose of this exercise, the answer to this question doesn’t matter as much as accepting the fact that you were indeed influenced.

  Everyone goes through the experience of being influenced by those around them. In fact, you are an influence on the lives of those around you as well. Keeping this in mind will help you focus on the task at hand for Stage Two: Reflection: you will discover who you were meant to be before those influences began to take over. This version of YOU goes back to whenever you were old enough to think, communicate, and connect a few dots. You developed self-awareness, and with that came preferences, likes, dislikes, and the ability to make choices.

  I conducted a survey of my Facebook community (Conversations with a Gender Therapist), which includes a wide range of persons who identify as transgender, nonbinary, and/or gender diverse. I posed the question, “How old were you when you can first recall having questions about your gender identity?”34 Take a look at some of the responses:

  “It was when I was about eight that I cut off all my hair and tried to act like a totally new person at school named Jake. Of course I fooled no one and it wasn’t well received.”

  “When I was around eight is when I started playing online games and realized I could be whichever gender I wanted, and even have no gender sometimes! Even though I didn’t know what it meant at the time, I remember it being really cool to be able to do that.”

  “Very first time—three. I vividly remember wondering why I couldn’t dress like boys or go to the bathroom standing up. There’s even pictures of me sitting on the toilet the ‘wrong’ way!”

  “I was four years old when I knew something didn’t match up.”

  “I remember how much fun it was, when I was young, to be able to dress up for Halloween as whatever or whoever I wanted. Once I hit puberty it seemed like there was more pressure to dress up as ‘my gender.’”

  “I think I began questioning gender-roles, at the very least, when I was three or four.”

  “I do remember being seven or eight and praying and asking God to make me a girl by morning when I woke up.”

  “I definitely remember being in grade school, probably around seven or eight years old and finding myself disagreeing with people when they said I was a boy or when my teachers separated us into girls and boys.”

  As you can see, these memories can date back to as early as three years old. Although these individuals may not have known what was going on or what to call it, at the very least they knew they felt a certain, curious way.

  Now it’s time for you to journey back and remember how you felt.

  SUGGESTIONS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN LOOKING BACK AT YOUR CHILDHOOD

  • Everyone is different when it comes to how far back they can remember childhood, and it’s okay if you aren’t able to remember these earlier years. Do the best you can—it’s possible other memories will resurface later as you look at your teenage years. You can then return to this exercise and fill in any blanks.

  • You may have gone through childhood without realizing there was something going on with your gender identity, only to realize it later in life. This is a completely valid experience as well. If you don’t connect with the exercises in this chapter, it’s okay to skip them.

  PREPARE FOR SELF-CARE

  Take a look at your Self-Care Checklist (page xxxii) and find an activity you will do before working on this chapter and an activity for afterwards.

  Which Pre-Exercise Self-Care Activity did you choose?

  Which Post-Exercise Self-Care Activity did you choose?

  Now, set aside a few minutes to do your Pre-Exercise Self-Care Activity. When you are finished, turn the page to begin the first exercise.

  Understanding Your Experience of Gender Identity in Childhood

  As a child, you began your self-discovery process tabula rasa—a blank slate. You went through life as if nothing else mattered besides just being yourself. You may or may not have been aware of your gender during this time, perhaps even having a gender-less feel to who you were.

  Eventually you started to notice there was something beyond just your own personal world in which you existed: a bigger world with certain rules, traditions, and beliefs for you to learn and, eventually, adopt. The following exercise will walk you through examples of these rules, traditions, and beliefs for the purpose of pinpointing which ones you were exposed to.

  YOUR FIRST INTRODUCTION TO THE BIGGER WORLD

  Read through the items listed below. Which of these rules, traditions, and beliefs were you exposed to between the ages of three and eleven? Place a checkmark in the box next to each item that applies to your experience in childhood.

  You learned that your society is divided up between boys and girls and that you were supposed to fit into one of those categories.

  You were exposed to TV, movies, media, and other means of communication that your society used to let you know how you were “supposed to” behave.

  You interacted with other kids (at school, on the playground, siblings and cousins, etc.) and noticed how everyone tended to fall into certain roles, both in real life and during pretend-play.

  You were classified and socialized as a certain gender (“This is what girls do, this is what boys do—since you are a ______, you need to follow these rules”).

  You were rewarded for behaving like your gender assigned at birth.

  You were scolded/punished for not behaving like your gender assigned at birth.

  The more you tried to express your true self, the more uncomfortable social situations became for you.

  No one else talked about feeling the same way as you—therefore you assumed you were the only person in the world who felt the way you did.

  You felt like you were acting the way you were supposed to as your gender assigned at birth and hoped you were doing it
right.

  You felt a sense of shame, embarrassment, and guilt for expressing and experiencing yourself in certain ways. You felt like you had to either stop doing them or had to do them in secret.

  You saw other people being put down or bullied for showing signs of being outside the norm.

  You knowingly or unknowingly experimented with different gender roles when playing (including clothing, items, and behaviors).

  Which of the above items most impacted, influenced, or confused your sense of gender and your ability to express it? Put a star next to those items.

  Your Unique Experience of Gender Identity in Childhood

  There is a fallacy that says you must have the right answers to prove you experienced discomfort with your gender assigned at birth during childhood. The truth is, we all come from different backgrounds and have unique ways in which we experience ourselves. There is no cookie-cutter approach to examining the roots of your gender identity questions. The fact that you are still working through this guide is enough to show you that you are meant to continue on this gender identity journey.

  There are many reasons why one person’s experience of gender identity in childhood can differ so much from someone else’s and all of these reasons are valid. The following exercise presents examples of these variables so you can understand which ones may have affected your experience of your gender identity in childhood.

  INFLUENCES ON YOUR EXPERIENCE OF GENDER IDENTITY IN CHILDHOOD

  Read through the items listed below. Which of these scenarios did you experience between the ages of three and eleven? Place a checkmark next to each item that applies to you.

  You were raised in an environment in which the gender binary was strictly enforced (“Boys do this and girls do that”), where consequences were imposed when you showed any resistance to your place on the binary. These consequences might have included being teased, scolded, receiving corporal punishment, and/or being sent to a counselor whose job it was to talk you out of how you were feeling. Therefore, you might have pushed away your true feelings in order to protect yourself from emotional, mental, and/or physical harm.