You and Your Gender Identity

by Dara Hoffman-Fox

  THE QUESTIONNAIRE

  1. How do you feel about the name you currently use and are addressed as? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  2. How do you feel about being addressed by a gendered term that coincides with your gender assigned at birth (e.g., ma’am, sir, ladies, fellas, lad, lass)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  3. How do you feel about being addressed by a gendered term that does not coincide with your gender assigned at birth? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  4. How do you feel about being addressed as your gender assigned at birth pronouns? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  5. How do you feel being addressed by gendered adjectives such as pretty or handsome? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  6. How do you feel about using the public restrooms/changing rooms that you are expected to based on your current gender presentation? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  7. How do you feel about having/not having a menstrual cycle? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  8. How do you feel about being able to/not being able to conceive a child? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  9. How do you feel about the amount of body hair that you have (or don’t have)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  10. How do you feel about having the amount of facial hair that you have/don’t have? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  11. How do you feel about your voice? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  12. How do you feel about tone and pitch in which you speak? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  13. How do you feel about your eyebrows? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  14. How do you feel about your hairstyle? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  15. How do you feel about your current wardrobe? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  16. How do you feel about wearing/not wearing makeup? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  17. How do you feel about wearing/not wearing earrings, having/not having piercings and/or tattoos, and carrying/not carrying certain accessories? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  18. How do you feel about your height? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  19. How do you feel about your chest? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  20. How do you feel about your body shape? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  21. How do you feel about the structure of your face? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  22. How do you feel about the size of your hands and feet? How much (if at all) is this connected to gender-related concerns?

  23. How do you feel about having (or not having) an Adam’s apple? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  24. How do you feel about your genitals? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  25. How would you describe your sexual orientation? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  26. How do you feel about having partners, concerning physical intimacy? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  27. How do you feel about having partners, concerning emotional intimacy? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  28. How do you feel about assumptions others make about you based on their perception of your gender? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  29. How do you feel about the way your family addresses you when not using your name (e.g., son/daughter, niece/nephew, mother/father)? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  30. To what extent do you feel your hobbies and interests truly reflect who you are? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  31. How do you feel when you are separated into groups by gender? How much (if at all) is this connected to your gender-related concerns?

  SUMMARY OF YOUR RESPONSES

  • Read through your answers. Place a star next to the responses that are most problematic to you (e.g., revealed a high level of disconnect, dissatisfaction, discomfort, etc.). These can be questions that do or do not relate to gender.

  • Which of these questions and answers that you just listed are related to gender? Place a second star next to those responses.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  46 The use transgender and trans in this section is a reflection of the most current definitions that are being used to describe the feeling of discomfort and misalignment between one’s gender assigned at birth and one’s actual gender. Trans tends to speak more of the experience of nonbinary persons and transgender to those who have a more binary experience.

  47 Dara Hoffman-Fox, Conversations with a Gender Therapist, Facebook post, May 20, 2015, https://www.facebook.com/darahoffmanfoxlpc/posts/1021174231233789.

  48 Dictionary.com, s.v. “identity,” http://www.dictionary.com/browse/identity?s=t.

  Chapter 9

  Deconstructing Gender

  While filling out the Questionnaire, you examined different aspects of who you are and determined how much gender affects each of them. This was to help you get a more accurate picture of the specific areas of your life you struggle with the most when it comes to the gap you feel between your gender assigned at birth and your gender identity. The next step is to put aside whatever you think you know about gender and approach it with an open mind as we spend this chapter deconstructing gender.

  You probably have at least a basic idea of what gender is—otherwise you wouldn’t be reading a book entitled You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery. This chapter is your chance to fill gaps in your understanding of what gender is, as well as what it means to question your gender assigned at birth.

  As we begin this leg of the journey, keep in mind there are multiple ways to define and discuss gender. This is just my way. Be sure to continue to seek out and explore other perspectives until you find the one(s) you most deeply resonate with. What matters most is that your answers are right for you.

  What Gender Identity Is and Isn’t

  Think back to the question you were asked at the beginning of this guidebook:

  Are you uncomfortable with your gender assigned at birth socially, physically, and/or mentally?

  YES

  MAYBE

  NO

  Again, this question is phrased as such because you were assigned a gender at birth based on the physical manifestation of your biological sex, not based upon your actual gender identity.

  Biological sex includes physical attributes such as external genitalia, sex chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones, and internal reproductive structures. At birth, it is used to assign sex, that is, to identify individuals as male or female.49

  Using these criteria alone to identify individuals as male or female, and therefore as boys and girls, presents several problems.

  BIOLOGICAL SEX DOES NOT DETERMINE GENDER IDENTITY

  Since an assumption has been made that one’s biological sex and gender identity are identical, this means an infant is assigned a gender identity as soon as their biologic
al sex is determined.50 This assumption of gender is based solely on whether the baby has a penis (assigned male), a vagina (assigned female), or a combination of both (assigned intersex).

  However, there is a significant amount of documented instances in which a person’s gender identity and assigned biological sex do not align, supporting the conclusion that biological sex does not determine one’s gender identity. Although far too many infants continue being assigned the wrong gender either before or at birth, this ritual is so deeply embedded into our society that it is difficult to imagine how this practice could be altered. For now, we are taking the step of recognizing this is an issue, as well as encouraging people to talk about their experiences of having been assigned the wrong gender at birth.

  Your Gender Assigned at Birth

  Based on the physical evidence gathered by doctors, your parents, etc., what sex (and therefore what gender) were you assigned at birth? Circle your answer.

  Male

  Female

  Intersex

  On the scale on the next page, where do you think you might fall when it comes to your actual gender? Indicate your answer below. (You can always change your answer later on.)

  Male __________________ Even Split __________________ Female

  Nowhere on this scale

  Various places on the scale at various times

  I’m not sure yet

  WHAT DETERMINES GENDER IDENTITY?

  So what does determine one’s gender and therefore their gender identity? It’s a complex question with many answers, depending on whom you ask. Gender identity is typically described as one’s internal sense of themselves as male, female, both, or neither. However, the following attributes can also be included in the way a person might describe their gender identity:

  • Gender expression (or desired gender expression)

  • A combination of masculine and feminine traits

  • Biological sex

  • Sexual orientation

  Additionally, the process of coming to conclusions about your gender identity and how to express it cannot help but be influenced by the social environment in which you exist. You can learn more about this through the study of social identity theory, which was first theorized by Tajfel and Turner in 1986.51

  Whether or not you incorporate all, some, or none of these factors into your definition of gender identity, the idea is that you determine your gender identity.

  WHO DOESN’T QUESTION THEIR GENDER IDENTITY?

  The above definition of gender identity can come across as confusing to someone whose gender assigned at birth is in alignment with their internal sense of gender (a.k.a. cisgender). Someone who is cisgender doesn’t spend time or energy questioning their gender identity—by coincidence it happens to match the biological sex they were assigned at birth. This doesn’t mean someone cisgender won’t have issues with certain gender roles and stereotypes that are placed upon them. However, this is separate from having issues with their actual gender identity not matching the sex and gender they were assigned at birth.

  Individuals whose internal sense of gender does not align with their gender assigned at birth will more than likely spend time and energy over the course of their life trying to determine what’s really going on inside of them (see Wisdom Tip 4: The Stages of Gender Identity Formation on page 95).

  Gender identity is a core aspect of who we are. Again, those who have never questioned their gender identity may not understand why this is true or what it even means. I encourage these individuals to pay attention to how many times within one day they are:

  • Verbally gendered (being addressed or referred to as a specific gender).

  • Told to use a gendered space (public bathrooms, changing rooms, clothing departments).

  • Expected to abide by rules and expectations based on the gender they are perceived to be.

  You will quickly observe that gender is an inescapable part of a person’s daily life.

  YOUR OWN GENDER IDENTITY

  Revisit the attributes which can contribute to your description of your gender identity:

  Your internal sense of self as male, female, both, or neither

  Gender expression (or desired gender expression)

  Combination of masculine and feminine traits

  Biological sex

  Sexual orientation

  Knowing you can change your answers later, what would the rough draft of this look like for you? Fill in the blanks with your answers (remember, you do not have to fill in each blank—only the ones which feel relevant to your description of your gender identity).

  What is your level of comfort with the gender others perceive and assume you to be? Rate on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very uncomfortable and 10 being very comfortable.

  DEFINING TRANSGENDER, GENDER DIVERSE, NONBINARY, AND GENDER DYSPHORIA

  For those searching for answers about their gender identity, it can be helpful to know definitions of the various terms that could be used to describe one’s experience. In this section, we’re going to look at the terms transgender, gender diverse, nonbinary, and gender dysphoria.

  Transgender

  Over the past few years, we have seen shifts in how the term transgender is used to describe one’s experience of their gender identity. Keeping this in mind, what follows are examples of how transgender is currently being used. As you read through them, be mindful that:

  • You are not limited to connecting with only one of these descriptors.

  • You have the freedom to connect with one descriptor now and then realize you connect with another one or a different one at a future date.

  • You can feel disconnection between your gender assigned at birth and your gender identity while also not relating to any of these descriptors.

  Transgender as an Umbrella Term (a.k.a. Trans)

  This perspective goes with the idea that the word trans means across or beyond. Therefore, trans-gender means, in this case, you are going across or beyond the gender you were assigned at birth, with the destination varying greatly. This is why there are so many options beneath the transgender umbrella. Both nonbinary (e.g., agender, genderfluid, genderqueer) and binary (i.e., transman, transwoman) identities can find a home within this definition of transgender.

  This term can simplify one’s search for answers about their gender identity. The umbrella gives multiple options from which to choose. Knowing there are so many others who feel they fit within the context of that umbrella can help bring someone a feeling of community, belonging, and relief.

  However, this term can create confusion by lumping all gender identities and gender expressions into one category. The general population may not understand there are differences between how everyone under the umbrella identifies. It can also frustrate people who have a specific gender identity and don’t want to be “lumped in” with other gender identities beneath the umbrella.

  Transgender in Reference to Medical Transition (a.k.a. Transsexual)52

  This perspective pertains to those who feel transgender describes someone who is (or will be) taking medical steps to align themselves with their gender identity. These medical steps can include hormone therapy, hair removal, and a number of surgeries.

  This definition of transgender is what our current mainstream media profiles most frequently; therefore it comes with unique benefits and challenges. The average layperson is being taught that to be transgender is to transition medically and socially from their gender assigned at birth to the other side of the gender binary.

  For some this assumption can be useful. If this mainstream description of transgender fits who you are, then it may be easier for others to comprehend what you are going through. However, if you identify as transgender but do not fit the narrative that is being popularized by the media, this could make it more challenging for you to convey your personal experience to others.

  Transgender as a Descriptor of a Medical Condition

  Some prefer to use th
e term transgender only when describing what they see as a medical condition relating to the discrepancy they feel between their gender assigned at birth and their gender identity. For instance, if you were assigned male at birth and your gender identity is female, you would use the descriptor of transgender only in the context of working with mental health and medical professionals. Otherwise you refer to yourself as being female or a woman.

  Everyone has the right to identify however they choose—if this is a perspective that you connect with, be sure to look at whether this desire to separate yourself from the term transgender is empowering or if it stems from a place of internalized transphobia (Becoming Aware of Internalized Transphobia, page 102).

  Do you connect with any of these descriptors of transgender? Do you feel disconnected from any of them? If so, why?

  Gender Diverse

  There are individuals who experience discomfort with their gender assigned at birth but feel the word transgender doesn’t accurately describe this feeling. Gender diverse is one of the options available to those who are seeking a way to describe their experience without having to put themselves into a category they feel doesn’t truly fits them.