You and Your Gender Identity

by Dara Hoffman-Fox

  Examples: If you think by doing _____________ you might lose your job and you depend on it for your main source of income, you would probably rank that as “high risk.” Or, if you think by doing _______________ your mother might disapprove but you don’t feel particularly bothered by that, you would probably rank that as “low risk.”

  Step 5: Can this be done in stages?

  Are there stages you can do this in to help minimize the potential impact? Write your answer in the fifth column.

  Examples: If you are thinking about cutting your hair shorter, should you do so a little bit at a time? If you are thinking of experimenting with the clothes you wear, should you do so privately at first? If you are thinking of wearing different clothing in public, should you have someone go with you? If you are thinking about using a different name, should you start by doing this with people who already know you are exploring your gender identity?

  Step 6: How can you prepare for possible damage?

  What you can do to prepare for the possibility that each of these areas might be detrimentally affected? Write your answer in the sixth column.

  Examples: Use items from your Self-Care Checklist and ideas from your First Aid Toolkit. If you are concerned about your job or your career, look into what your company’s policies are in regard to gender identity and gender expression. If you are worried that your partner might find out about your exploration before you are ready for them to, look into finding a couples counselor who can help you approach the topic with them sooner than later.

  Step 7: Repeat as often as needed

  Continue to revisit and revise your Risk Assessment Tool as often as you need to throughout the rest of your journey.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  Conducting Tests and Experiments

  We’ve already discussed how, during this stage of the journey, you are an explorer of the world that is your inner self. You will also be playing another role: scientist. As a scientist, you are actively exploring your gender identity through:

  1. Creating hypotheses.

  2. Testing these hypotheses through experiments.

  3. Gathering data by observing your responses (and the responses of others).

  4. Reaching conclusions.

  5. Validating your feelings through the results of your tests.

  This process is based on the scientific method and can be directly applied to your gender identity journey. By conducting these tests and experiments, you are stripping away what isn’t you to reveal what is you.

  HOW TO RUN YOUR OWN TESTS AND EXPERIMENTS

  Let’s take a look the steps in more detail so you can begin to run your own experiments. Additionally, if you have already been experimenting (even if you didn’t know you’ve been doing so) you can apply this approach to what you have already learned about yourself so far.

  Step 1: Create your hypotheses

  You are curious about something: your gender identity. Having questions that you want to find answers to is all that is required for you to complete the first step of the scientific method.

  Next, you conducted research that supported your inquisitiveness. The work you’ve been doing throughout the book has reassured you of the fact that: “Yes, I really do have a good question here.” (Otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten this far, right?) Now it’s time to create specific hypotheses that you can attempt to prove or disprove through actively exploring your gender identity.

  Here’s how your hypotheses will be broken down:

  If [whatever action you will take], then [predicted result].

  Your hypotheses need to be written in terms of what you are trying to answer about your gender identity. Use phrases that make sense for you without worrying about how other people may describe their experience.

  Here are a few examples:

  “If I start wearing a binder around my chest, then I will feel more comfortable.”

  “If I change (this) about the way I dress, then I will feel more authentic and therefore more at ease.”

  “If people start using the pronoun ‘they’ when addressing me, then this will feel affirming to me.”

  “If I start on a low dose of Hormone Replacement Therapy, then my gender dysphoria will be reduced.”

  Other descriptors you might use in your prediction are relief, a reduction of discomfort, connected, or more congruent.

  Don’t worry if you don’t know if the answers will be true or false, as this is the whole point of testing your hypotheses.

  Using items from your list of Exploration Ideas, write three hypotheses below that you want to test. You can always create more later—this is to just get you familiar with the process.

  Hypothesis 1:

  Hypothesis 2:

  Hypothesis 3:

  Step 2: Test your hypotheses

  As you look to your Exploration Ideas and devise ways to test your hypotheses, it’s best to come up with experiments that have the following elements:

  • Create a test that is clear: This means you change only one factor at a time during the experiment so you will know with clarity what created a certain result. For instance, if you do something different with your hair and your attire at the same time you won’t know if it was your hair or your attire that made you feel a certain way. In the beginning stages of experimentation, it’s important to test them separately.

  • Repeat your experiments: Run the same experiment more than once so you can see if that changes how you feel. You can do it in the same manner each time, but by putting yourself in different settings you can get additional feedback as to how you are feeling. For example you can change the setting, who you are with, what time of day it is, if it’s a work/school day or a day off, etc. Be sure to keep the test the same while changing the setting (i.e., if you change the item of clothing you are wearing, it means you are running a new test, and therefore you should document it separately).

  • Use your Risk Assessment Tool: Remember, your Risk-Assessment Tool (page 202) is there to help you plan your tests and experiments in such a way that balances the amount of risk you think you are taking with how much risk you are willing to take. It also takes you through the step of breaking down your tests into stages, as well as preparing you for possible negative consequences.

  • Have a combination of private and public experiments: More than likely, you will conduct your initial experiments alone (or already have done so in the past without knowing that’s what you were doing). This is a good way to gauge your reaction without the pressure of being around others. When you are ready, you’ll also need to run experiments in a public forum (i.e., situations where you can be seen). This is not about how the people around you feel, but about how you feel around those people while carrying out your experiment. Note: be sure to run your public tests through your Risk Assessment Tool before moving forward with them.

  • Have your First Aid Toolkit ready: Although you can hope for the best when you conduct your experiments, having your First Aid Toolkit at your disposal will help mitigate any injuries that might occur. This can include contacting people ahead of time who you have listed in your kit to let them know you will be running these tests and having any of your Self-Care Checklist items ready for use upon your return home.

  Using the space below, write down each of your hypotheses. Then, list the type of experiment you will conduct in order to test each one out. Be as specific as possible: include a time, place, and setting for each one. Also include when you will repeat the test, keeping in mind this can be altered depending on how it went the first time.

  EXAMPLE:

  Hypothesis: “If I start wearing a binder around my chest, then I will feel more comfortable.”

  1st Experiment: I will wear a binder around the house for the entire weekend, with my roommate present.<
br />
  2nd Experiment: If this goes well I will wear a binder to school for one day.

  Hypothesis:

  1st Experiment:

  2nd Experiment:

  Step 3: Gather your data

  All good scientists have a log in which they can record the observations and results of any tests they conduct. You’ll need to create this for yourself as well. In this log you can keep track of:

  • The date and time of your experiment.

  • If the experiment was private or public.

  • If it was public: the setting, people involved, length of time.

  • What you specifically tested (the “if” part of your hypothesis).

  • Observations of your experience.

  • Observations of others (if this was public).

  Try to gather your data from an objective perspective, reporting it as factually as possible. You can record your data for both your private and public experiments, as well as when you repeat experiments at different times.

  EXAMPLES:

  2/3/16: I found a new chat room and introduced myself as male—I was both nervous and excited beforehand—everyone addressed me by my male name and used male pronouns—it felt awesome every time it happened, felt like they were seeing “me.”

  7/6/16: Local swimming pool with a friend who doesn’t know I am exploring my gender—I went with my legs, chest, and arms shaved—I felt self-conscious and nervous at first, which lessened the longer I was there because no one seemed to notice or care!

  10/2/16: At home in my room, looking in the mirror—Since my hair is getting a little longer in the front I pushed it forward so it framed my face—I liked how it looked and it felt comforting; I then pushed my hair off of my face and I felt dysphoria come up; then it would go away when I let my hair back down—this was both cool and weird for me.

  Keep in mind that additional data may come in when you are not actively experimenting. That’s because you will start noticing more often when something doesn’t feel comfortable to you. List these types of observations in your log as well (e.g., “I went out in my usual manner today and could tell that I missed how I felt during the experiment yesterday”).

  Use the log on the following pages using the examples given above or create your own way of organizing this. Have it easily accessible so you can record your data as soon as possible after each experiment.

  Step 4: Reaching your conclusions

  Reaching your conclusions means you are taking the step to prove or disprove your hypothesis using the if/then formula. Your method of doing this will be a little different from the approach that scientists take to reach their conclusions. While they may have numbers to crunch, you will have your observations of yourself to analyze. This can include emotions, thoughts, sensations, and intuitions—all of which can come up during an experiment.

  It can be overwhelming to process all of these observations at the same time. Therefore it’s best to handle them as we have with the other steps in your exploration process: separate them out into layers and look at them individually.

  After each experiment, you can break the observations of your experience into separate categories. You can use categories such as emotions, thoughts, sensations, and intuitions, or you can use other terms that fit your individual experience.

  EXAMPLE:

  The hypothesis I specifically tested: “If I wear a feminine scarf when I go to the coffee shop, then I will feel more like ‘me.’”

  Observations of my experience:

  How I felt beforehand: Scared to death!

  How I felt during it: Still scared but did my best to cover it up—I then felt really good after the barista complimented my scarf.

  How I felt afterwards about doing this: Proud of myself for taking this step.

  How I felt with regard to what I tested: It felt really nice to wear something that felt more “me.”

  It’s at this point you bring back in your if/then hypothesis and fill in the blanks. Using the example above:

  “If I wear a feminine scarf when I go to the coffee shop, then I will feel more like ‘me.’”

  If you ended up learning something different about yourself than you expected, it’s okay to change the second half of your hypothesis. Using the example above, this person may have realized they wanted to use a different phrase to describe the result, such as I felt more feminine, I felt less masculine, or, I felt gender completely vanish from me.

  Also remember that if you run your experiment more than once, you can get a more accurate sense as to what happens if any of the conditions change. Using the example above, the experimenter may go out later that week to their favorite coffee shop and gather this data instead:

  How I felt beforehand: Less scared than the first time but still fairly nervous.

  How I felt during it: The coffee shop was way busier than the first time and I kinda freaked out when I walked in. I got my drink as quickly as I could and left.

  How I felt afterwards about doing this: Disappointed that I didn’t stay longer and let my fear get the best of me, but at least I kept the scarf on!

  How I felt in regard to what I tested: Although the experience itself sorta sucked, it still felt really nice to wear it. In fact, I left it on the rest of the day when I was hanging out at home.

  Lastly, if you are having trouble getting in touch with how you were feeling during the experiment, revisit Chapter 11 (page 159) for reminders as to how you can do this.

  Using the space below, list each of your hypotheses and write in detail your feelings, thoughts, and intuitions about how each experiment went. At the end of each hypothesis, fill in the blanks with your conclusion.

  Hypothesis 1:

  Test results:

  Conclusion:

  Hypothesis 2:

  Test results:

  Conclusion:

  Hypothesis 3:

  Test results:

  Conclusion:

  Step 5: Validating your feelings through your test results

  After a while, you will develop a list of experiments you have conducted and data you have gathered. At this point, you can come to a broader conclusion that summarizes all of the information from your experiments. This conclusion can be as general or specific as you are comfortable with.

  Example of a general conclusion: “It is true that the more I masculinize my appearance, the less uncomfortable I feel, whether alone or around others.”

  Example of a specific conclusion: “It is true that according to my definition I am ‘trans’ because the more I moved away from being my gender assigned at birth the better I felt.”

  When you are ready, use the lines below to write a general and/or specific conclusion as a result of the testing you have conducted.

  Regardless of what you decide to do with these conclusions, you can use them as a way to validate your feelings. Although there isn’t a way to “prove” your gender identity, you can use these test results to reiterate for yourself, “This confirms that I was right—there is something of importance going on here.”

  Return to the Conducting Your Own Tests and Experiments tool as often as you need to throughout your gender identity journey. Chances are you will see changes along the way that you will want to take note of, allowing you to compare and contrast them to experiments you ran earlier on in your journey.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  68 Vogler, 155–173.

  69 Ibid.

  70 Christopher Nolan, Inception, (Warner Home Video, 2010), film.

  Chapter 14

  Putting It All Together

  You’ve embraced the Call to Adventure, Crossed the Threshold, Met the Mentor, encountered Tests, Allies, and Enemies, wrestled with the Dark Night of the Soul, and withstood Ordeals. Regardless of how far you have come in the cours
e of this guidebook, you are further along than when you began. Your self-awareness has grown as you discovered and integrated pieces of who you are into the entirety of your being. Now it is time for you to Return with the Elixir.

  You’ve spent much of this book getting in touch with what is really going on inside you without having to fit a certain phrase, narrative, or description of experience. Since you have acquired Wisdom of the Elixir, you can begin putting words to the question: “Who am I, concerning my gender identity?” The exercises in this chapter will help you with this task.

  Before we begin, let’s review what it is you have learned about putting descriptors onto your gender identity:

  1. You learned that you do not have to conform to a specific definition of gender identity. You discovered that your experience of your gender is unique, as is the way you decide to describe this experience. Find the words that make the most sense to you without trying to fit into any preconceived notion that doesn’t feel comfortable.

  2. You learned that you can use different words to describe your gender identity depending on the social context. Many of you will share what you have discovered about your gender identity with others—be they loved ones, coworkers, peers, teachers, the general public, old friends, new friends, mental health and medical providers … the list can end up being quite lengthy. Remember, how you decide to self-identify is what matters most. If/when you choose to share this with others you will want to be careful and wise, as some people will understand where you are coming from more easily than others. Certain situations will feel easier, safer, and more comfortable than others. You might decide to use certain words now and other words later, depending on where you are at in your discovery journey. Later in this chapter we will look at how you can approach these people, situations, and time frames in ways that empower you with as much control, comfort, and flexibility as possible.